Baiting


The other day I had an incident with my most recent ex, at work. I have to get the key to my vehicle from my manager’s office, every morning. My ex was flippantly standing in the doorway, preventing me from just walking past without needing to be cordial. I said, “excuse me”, as he stepped slightly to the side, letting me pass him. He said, “permission to speak?” I said, without hesitation, “NO!”.

That ended that, or so I thought. I delivered to my boyfriend’s shop, directly after that. I told him what happened. I didn’t see it as that big of a deal until he informed me, “I got a call from your ex a few mins ago.” My ex told him that he wanted to let him know about it, before I had the chance to talk to him about it. He (my ex) told my boyfriend that all he wanted to do is offer condolences because of my dog’s passing away. My boyfriend told me, “I think his intentions were good…” I let him know, “No, they weren’t.”. My boyfriend let me know later that he called my ex back. He told me, “You’re right. His intentions weren’t good, since he already knows you don’t want any contact from him…” He let my ex know that I don’t care about his well-wishes and want no contact from him, whatsoever. He threatened my ex that if he didn’t leave me alone, he would be the one to take it to corporate.

I love this man!

Chum. It’s meant as a lure to bait in fish. The bait is meant to ensnare and capture. Chum causes the consumer to drop their guard, and potentially trust the person again. Chum. I recognized it as soon as my boyfriend let me know what was said over the phone, to him.

My ex didn’t even like my dog..

Chum.. even as a nice caring gesture, it’s still meant to lure you in. If it is to offer condolences, it’s still chum. I mean as it is presented by a Narcissist or Psychopath. They don’t care about your feelings. At ALL! It’s meant to cause you to drop your guard again. Most people mean it as a caring gesture, to be nice and empathetic. We all know that the disordered individuals have no REAL empathy!

Don’t fall for it. Don’t take a bite. Walk away. It’ll seem rude to others around you. Still, don’t fall for it. Stay away, and stay safe from the already WELL known cycle you have personally seen from the individual. Recognize it for what it is.

Will Dr. Love save your marriage?


I can’t tell you how tired I am, of the MANY comments I’ve had to trash (gleefully), about Dr. Love, shaheed ramadan (forgive me if I sound horrible) “the ‘spell-caster’”, and the likes of them. I woke up irritable this morning, and after winning the battle against my stupid, annoying alarm clock, opened my comments and here was, yet, another lengthy comment about another spell-caster.

i’m sure that many of you have seen these too, especially if you comment on or follow my blog. It’s slightly amusing to me that they choose to post these advertisements/testimonials directly in the comment section of my entry, “When a psychopath, narcissist, cluster-b, ASPD won’t leave…”. I don’t want to set any comments to be moderated before posting, because others might need to read what you write, even if I can’t respond right away. Nine times out of ten, it’s on this particular entry.

This is BEYOND IRRITATING! If you haven’t already noticed, I do NOT BELIEVE THE TESTIMONIALS OR THE HYPE!

If you are being emotionally, psychologically or physically abused.. If you have been devalued and discarded… If you have been physically or psychologically abused by a Psychopath, Narcissist or just a flat out ASS-HOLE, why would you WANT to keep that relationship? No spell-caster, or person into demonology is going to be able to change the NATURE OF THE ABUSER!

Unfortunately, in the beginning of healing, when you are contemplating leaving the abuser and the horrible situation you are in, you might be fighting the urge to go back to him or stay. “Maybe I am just being unreasonable..” or, “It really isn’t that bad…is it?”. You are in the middle of second guessing yourself, your emotions, your anxiety and fear. This is due to the abuser’s ability and necessity to control you, your emotions, your thoughts and make you BELIEVE YOU ARE ACTUALLY CRAZY!! To some of you, just to read someone else’s words, just might vindicate you. You are probably shocked that some one else said exactly the same thing YOU ARE THINKING, RIGHT NOW! Why? Because I have been through it. Many others, who’s blogs I follow (or follow my own) have been in EXACTLY the same place, with the same thoughts that you are having. It’s an excruciatingly emotional whirlwind you are in, isn’t it? I remember being in exactly the same place, myself, all too well.

You might, in your desperation to cling to your “lost love”, try to enlist the assistance of a supposed “spell-caster”, to try to save your relationship. There are several women (especially) who, regardless of the abuse they are suffering at the hands of the perpetrator, want to have the same cloud-9 feeling that they got in the beginning of the relationship, before the abuse started.  That’s what they see when they look at the one who is, now, belittling them, hitting them, causing such anxiety and fear, and are walking on egg-shells around them, and so-forth. These “spell-casters” prey on people in these situations. They are scam artists and liars. They intend to keep you stuck in your situation so the “spell-casters” can manipulate YOU into falling for the hype. “I’ll give you what you want…for a price”. Hmmm…that is the same M.O. the psychopath uses to get you HOOKED, to begin with! Amazing, isn’t it?? Think about this.

This is the abuse cycle.. it applies in abuse of all types. If you are experiencing this, it’s a clue that you need to get AWAY FROM THE ABUSE AND ABUSER!! The cycle won’t change. The abuser won’t change, and neither will your circumstances, regardless of how much you “believe” in or “love” them.

PhyVio

What it fails to mention are the “Honeymoon phase” and sweet gestures that come in the middle of the cycle, which is used by the abuser to keep the ABUSED, STUCK!!

They don’t want anyone knowing what he is doing. In order to keep the secret alive, you are made to stay SILENT out of fear.

Why would you want this for yourselves? The only way to break the cycle is, to remove YOURSELF from it!

Period.

Now, to the idiots who are leaving there unwanted “testimonials” on my page: YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!!! Stop helping the abuser and the scam artist, by keeping women stuck! What would happen if someone read, and believed your stupid testimonials, and wound up being killed by the abuser as a result? How would you feel, to know you HELPED KILL ANOTHER WOMAN??

Spell-caster testimonials do not belong on an abuse-help BLOG!

If you, who are professing the hype (I assume you are being told to do this, to aid the spell-caster, at his/her request. You are probably being told that it will give the “spell”, power.) This is utter BULL-SHIT!! You might actually be abused, yourself. If this is the case, talk to me. Talk to someone for help, but PLEASE stop pushing this unwanted crap in sites meant to help women OVERCOME ABUSE!!

For the rest of you, I do hope you have a blessed weekend.

Stay strong and keep MOVING!!!

Back to living life


Wow! What a ride!! That’s what I think, when I reflect back to the beginning of hell, itself, and everything I’ve had to endure, to recover from it. No, not the biblical notion of “Hell”, but the life I lived and had been living for the past couple of years. This August will mark the 3 year anniversary of ridding myself of vermin. When I compare “then” to “now”, it’s amazing I’ve lived through it. The relationship itself, lasted only a year. The effects have lasted, and are still present, even today..

I’m resilient. I’m stubborn. I self-analyze, horribly. I do not accept defeat. I hate complacency with a passion.

As early as this past summer, I was still battling the effects of the monster’s abuse, though I was stronger. I was still in a bit of a minefield…or should I call it a “mind-field”… I wasn’t as paranoid as I was the previous 2 years, though I was still horribly distrusting of everyone I met or associated with.

When I moved into my house 2 years ago this summer, I was still fighting the need to look over my shoulder when I left my house. I still had to have every lock, locked, and every window opened only a little bit, so as to allow some protection from outside individuals. However, when I allowed myself some peace and fought to overcome the obvious affects of the abuse, I became stronger and more self-assured. The locks are still locked, but only because it’s safer that way. Not because I’m still ever vigilant to protect myself from pending doom, as it had been before.

I take a decided look around me, today, and think, “What a wonderful place I’m in, today!” It’s a good day.

Changing my conditioning is going to be a long and grueling process. I will make mistakes and trust the wrong people, as I had done before. I will be hurt again. It’s part of the human condition. Today, I accept my own humanity, and human frailty. I include emotional frailty, in that. I accept each day as it presents itself, FINALLY without fear.

I approach people with caution, now. I used to hate that part of the changes in me. Now, I embrace it, because it’s how I should have been from the beginning of my life. As a child who was taught to be wary of strangers. I have a healthy caution of strangers, now. I’m glad for that particular change in me! When fear changes to caution, it’s a good day. When distrust and paranoia changes to healthy boundary implementation, it’s a good day.

I will never be glad for any abuse I have ever suffered. Being victimized and abused, is NEVER EVER something to be glad for. However, I am grateful for the jaunt with the Psychopath of my past. Not for the abuse suffered, but for the drive it created in me to take a needed look inward, to the areas that needed overhauled. This journey began because of fear and a need to change. Period.

Those of you who are new survivors, you must remember that each phase you will go through is like a stepping stone. You have to climb up, step onto each one in turn, and then pass each stone, before you can take on the next. Do NOT attempt to take anything on, before experiencing the grueling parts of each step. Your journey is necessary!!! Every horrible step, muck, and thorn you experience, is NECESSARY TO HEAL!!! And most importantly, to become WHOLE! To grow to a place where you are making needed changes, which will better the rest of your life, the journey (whatever that will become for you) is NECESSARY! Don’t strong arm your way through it. It just doesn’t work. It’s a natural process, and important to live each day as it comes. Experience it. Allow yourself the time you need, to process each phase.

This morning, we are closer to the first day of spring. It’s getting warmer outside, and in some places of the country, the grass is beginning to grow again. I hate mowing, by the way :D..

Spring… life begins again..

Fitting.

There are so many


This morning, as I tend to do quite often, I’ve been reflecting, analyzing, comparing data (my own observations) etc. and I see everyone on wordpress and other forums, speaking up about the abuses they have suffered. Many of these have had dealings with a sociopath, narcissist, psychopath or any other cluster-b personality. I am included. I speak privately to other women who are too scared to be public about their abuse or recovery. I see countless women. Just women, though I know there are male victims as well. My question, when thinking about the throngs of survivors around us, is; why is this type of abuse still so unrecognized by the status quo?

With so many victims, now survivors, you would think just “word of mouth” would spread awareness of psychological abuse and the devils among us. The fact remains, however, that it stays in the realm of the “unknown” in the great expanse. Unless you are a psychological professional or have lived through the trauma associated with these deprived individuals, chances are you just didn’t know they existed outside of Hollywood’s over-exaggerations, made movies. I know I sure didn’t.

When I walked (ran) away from my abuser, over 2 years ago, one thought stayed ever present in my mind: “I couldn’t possibly have dreamed this type of person existed, in my wildest dreams. There’s no way I could have possibly made it up. I just don’t think that way…” I was in complete shock and disbelief. I so remember that, even now. I remember how crazy it FELT to me, just to make sense of the type of person I encountered. Honestly, even now to think about it, I can still feel the same shock. Some things are just best to leave where they lay.

So, back to my question: Why is it still such an unknown type of abuse? Even more so; why is just the knowledge that this type of human walks among us, still so uncommon? They aren’t ALL in prisons, and many lead productive, successful lives, as it appears. They don’t only exist in movies. They are among us. Statistics say, 4% of the population. One out of every 25 people you encounter, has a cluster-b personality, according to statistics. Pretty freaking common, and their mere existence is completely foreign to most people.

I have some ideas as to why this knowledge is still so unknown, except for psychological professionals or victims. One of which is; victims are still silent around the regular individuals we associate with. Friends and Workmates. We are open to talk to other survivors, because they GET IT. They understand. The rest of them we think will never understand. we don’t want to take the chance of sounding crazy to them, because we are afraid of the stigma associate with psychological abuse. This type of thinking keeps the abuse a secret, among the society who needs to be made aware. We are, most often, silent about it in public.

Another reason, I think, is that most of these cluster-b types are such chameleons, that they aren’t recognizable to the people around them. They skillfully fake normality and emotion. They stay hidden in the masses. That is, except for those who are closest to them. Lovers, closest friends, etc. What do the psychopaths do when they are discarded? They fight, ruthlessly, to keep their victim quiet, through fear. Their greatest weapon is SILENCE!

What are your thoughts?

The ongoing learning curve: Boundaries


When a victim makes the wonderful transition to ‘survivor’, it’s a great day indeed! That day holds different meanings, events and revelations for every person. Every person heals differently, and cannot be placed in a pre-defined mold. We are individuals, entirely. What might work for one particular survivor, will not work for every survivor. That includes: steps taken to rid ourselves of the abuser, overcoming the effects of the abuse (which will most likely take years), deciding whether to enlist the assistance of a counselor, or just strong-arm your way through the process and so-on. The fact remains, however, that we ALL go through the SAME stages and phases, over the course of many years. Some might not take as long to heal as others. I have been going through the process of healing for over 2 years, now, yet I’m still working through some difficult things. I know of women who are 28 years into the process, and are still working through the effects. Don’t be disheartened, though! There comes a time that the healing process isn’t so invasive or cruel-seeming. Once you break through the first signs of severe PTSD and start to become more like yourself, the rest of the process isn’t so bad. Just remember to breathe through those hard days, and keep moving your feet. 

Part of the process of healing is, boundary setting. We all believed, throughout our lives, that our boundaries were firmly placed. Too often, however, it becomes apparent that those boundaries were weak, only after we have lived through an abusive relationship. The abuser does break down our initial boundaries but, in order to have enabled the abuse, those same boundaries were weak to begin with. No, I’m not blaming anyone for the abuse that was suffered at the hands of another. 

I was one who, as a child, was never taught how to set firm personal boundaries. In fact, in some ways I was taught to have shaky ones. My needs, both physical and emotional, were always second to others’. I had my wants. I wanted to be treated nicely and decently but, in the face of hurting someone’s feelings or by being the “lesser sex”, I was taught to let those same wants and needs go, for the benefit of another. Does that make any sense? That left me to have to define for myself, what my personal boundaries needed to be. I had to learn how to enforce those same boundaries. Age-old lessons, intended to be firmly taught as children, had fallen by the way-side. Intentionally or not. 

Just the fact that I had suffered severe emotional and psychological abuse at the hands of another, alerted me that I definitely had to do some SERIOUS deep-down introspecting. Soul searching. I have been through other abusive relationships and experiences, throughout my life. It was only after my dealings with a Psychopath, that I was alerted to that necessity. I thought I was fine, in all ways. Exemplary in others. I couldn’t have been more wrong. The lessons I learned as a child, taught me how to enable and survive abuse. Not to avoid it. Lesson #1. Not a fun lesson, but necessary. 

So, what are some boundaries that are needed in order to avoid abuse? This was my first, personal question. One that I had to decide for myself. You need to make this decision, as well. 

I wanted to be treated nicely. Period. Something that I realized I had not been, repeatedly. I needed to take a step back and remember those particular times. What was I feeling when someone was mean or rude to me? How did I respond? What did my inaction or lack of response, create? This is the root cause of ALL ABUSE I ever suffered. The inability to respond and stand up for myself, enabled more mistreatment. I was silent about mistreatment done to me, or those times that someone spoke rudely to me. I didn’t let that person know my needs or any sort of boundaries, which enabled further mistreatment. Does that mean the abuse was my fault? NO! But, it does mean I enabled it to continue. Making sure my boundaries aren’t crossed is my own, personal responsibility and no-one else’s. Making sure your boundaries are respected and recognized, is YOUR responsibility as well, but first, you need to decide which boundaries are the most substantial and important to implement. 

Our first responsibility to ourselves, as well as those people we associate with is, to express our personal boundary when that line has been crossed. How can a person respect our boundaries if they don’t know about them? The level of mistreatment should decide the level of expression. By that, I mean whether we nicely let the person know, or are more forceful about it. If you grew up without this skill, putting it into place in later years, can be quite challenging. First, however, you need to learn how to SPEAK UP! This includes things that make you unhappy or uncomfortable.

If someone assumes you like flavored coffee creamer and puts it in your coffee for you, for instance, when you prefer black coffee. It’s not that important, right? Will you hurt that person’s feelings, if you let them know? Believe it or not, my inability to speak up throughout the years, was just this ridiculous. It’s a no-brainer. You would express to that person that you don’t like coffee creamer. It’s that simple. But, for me, I would be petrified of hurting that person’s feelings and would, in turn, choke down the flavored coffee to save potentially hurt feelings. Is it that person’s fault for making me unhappy? No. They were just doing something nice. It was my OWN fault by not letting them know my preference. 

Another example: If someone is bossy toward you, telling you what to do and how (I am talking about a friend here, and not an employer); it results in your feelings being hurt, offended etc. What happens when you are silent, just “taking it” to avoid making waves? Yep, that person continues to boss you around, and you become more and more offended. Eventually a blow-up could result when you have had enough. Or, that person will continue and you will be miserable. What could happen if you express your discontent, letting that person know how you would rather be treated? Chances are, that person will take steps to avoid treating you like that, in the future. That is, if they are a decent, empathetic person. Others just won’t care. The thing is, once you let them know, you have done your part by letting that person know your boundary and it then becomes THEIR responsibility to respect it. If you don’t speak up, they can’t possibly know. Most people aren’t so empathetic, that they can read emotions or thoughts. If that same person doesn’t care about your boundaries, and continuously violates them, you need to re-evaluate that friendship and leave it. If you don’t enforce that same boundary, once you have alerted that person to it, that also enables mistreatment and can turn into a severely abusive situation. 

Our boundaries are meant to protect us. When misused or invalidated by another, we need to re-evaluate the situation. If you deem a particular boundary as ESSENTIAL to your well-being, you need to learn to stand your ground or leave the situation completely. If abuse is present, that is a blatant violation and should be seen as such. 

This new knowledge left me with also learning how to speak up, nicely, about my wants, needs, discontent and so-on. When, in my case, you have never learned how to speak-up for yourself, but instead, learned to go silent, the implementation of this lesson does prove to be challenging. It doesn’t mean the old fear of hurting feelings, embarrassment, etc. doesn’t just ‘go away’. I still have to deal with the fear of speaking up. Yet, I need to do just that. What does that create? If a subject is difficult, but needs to be talked about or mentioned, I just blurt it out. That means I come across as sharp, or rude as a result. Not what I want. I have to learn how to communicate my needs, wants and boundaries, without hurting another’s feelings. Another thing I need to learn. 

I am aware of others who make this seem effortless. I compare myself to them, and am aware of the skill they have. I try to learn from them, as well. 

    

 

 

Trusting yourself


My road to healing…becoming more self confident in every area…has been a real challenge. I still struggle with trusting myself. I know I’m not the only person who struggles in this area. When a decision will directly affect someone else, causing notable anger and potential harm as a result, I REALLY struggle. The situation I am facing, requires me to stand up against a family member in defense of a little girl, legally. I filed the initial papers, over 2 months ago. This person has not been served her copies of the papers due to the fear, guilt and uncertainty I have as to whether or not this is the right thing to do at all.

In the past, it’s exactly this same problem I have, which has enabled great atrocities as a result. This time, I see very clearly that my indecision and fear could be the detriment of that little girl. But what if I’m wrong? What if my action against this family member causes THAT person’s undoing? Even harm? There is no easy route or ending. There are several days that I feel trapped in my own life.

The only person who can fix any of this is myself..

What defines you?


I wanted to share this with you all. It’s about overcoming obstacles associated with being bullied. As you are aware, the number one driving force behind any narcissist, psychopath or sociopath, IS to manipulate, demean, hurt, destroy, abuse, and yes, BULLY!!

This girl has definitely been an overcomer. She used the negativity around her, to become her driving force to succeed in her own life.

As she says in this video, “What defines you?”

What defines you? What is it that makes you so uniquely, wonderfully you? No one else can decide for you, or define you. You take the steps and you choose to be destroyed by negative influences, or become strong inspite of them. Yes, even those that have all but destroyed you. But, here’s the thing. You are still alive. You are still moving and breathing. Your experiences may have dampened your spirit, but it’s still there.

Find it. It’s possible.

I’m doing some Comparison thinking, today..


In the beginning, this blog was labeled as an online journal by another reader. I suppose that isn’t too far from being the case. It’s my personal journey of healing… good days, bad days, those days in between when I feel so disjointed from the rest of humanity, that I think I’ve actually “lost it”.

This blog, as it also is with my journey, has no defined direction. I don’t plan what to post at any given time. I write about what is most present in my thoughts at the time. My healing journey also has no other direction, but to move forward to a better, stronger and healthier life. What you read in each post, is where I happen to be on any given day.

I do a lot of comparisons in regard to where I am, vs. where I was two years ago (or so). You have walked through the mine-field with me, after initially removing myself from an evil entity’s grip/relationship. I remember the early days very VERY well… I was nothing short of a neurotic, emotional basket-case. My emotions were so disheveled that I couldn’t spend any given day, just being “bored” or “content”.  I would begin any day with a cup of coffee in the beginning, and a mini panic attack. Tears, shaking, ruminating and pure heart-ache were my closest confidant. Today, I find myself so much stronger and confident that I have ever been in my life.

Sure, I still second-guess myself. I still make excuses FIRST, regarding an individual’s moral character or any actions that seem less than caring. That’s just who I am, and have always been. I have come to the conclusion that, that part of my make-up isn’t going to change. It’s my personality. The difference is that I don’t IGNORE anymore. I speak up, when I have been mistreated in any way. I don’t condemn the person, recognizing that humanity needs to be the driving force of any action or reaction from ME, regardless of the person in front of me. Whether or not that person is any form of the dark triad or just a jerk, I still have to maintain my own humanity, and not lower myself to their standards of action. Does this make any sense?

Have I finally arrived to any semblance of a place, where further growth and learning are no longer needed? No WAY!! However, I am healthier than I was in the beginning. My physical health hasn’t changed, but my emotional and psychological self has become healthier. There’s definitely more room for growth, and I’m certain that I will see another tail-spin or 12 along the way.

In the beginning, before my jaunt with the Monster, I was a person who would allow for mistreatment, avoiding any negative influx from anyone just to keep the “peace”. I still struggle with this, by the way, in regards to certain members of my family. I’m hoping to make steps to correct this, very soon. But that’s another story. After my time with my x-psychopath, I met and dated a Narcissist (Though I believe he may either be a Sociopath, or have tendencies linked to that personality). After going through that mine-field, I found myself at peace for the first time, I believe, in many years. I ended things with him with a defined time-frame in mind.

The human part of me thought it would be best to give him a little time to come to grips that he lost his toy. AKA: Me. I knew that it could take some time, but I wasn’t going to let it go on forever, for my job or any other reason. I kept in mind, then and now, the stages a Narcissist will go through after being discarded. (I’ll outline those at a later time, for you all. If I forget, please remind me.) As he had done during our entire “relationship/baiting session”, enter self-loathing texts from the moment I said “Go Away”. Emails to follow. I let it go on for a little while, while still strictly adhering to “No contact”. After the first month and a half of weekly or bi-weekly contact from him, I recognized some options I had to choose from, in order to bring the harassment to an end. I decided to send him a final text, detailing the types of contact which were NOT allowed… which was any contact at all. He knew this already, but he’s a good one to find a loop-hole. I didn’t mention standing behind my work vehicle, watching me and making sure I saw him. He did that too..

He was talked to man-to-man, reminding him that I wanted him to leave me alone. That worked for about a week, then my ex enlisted the help of his close friend, who initially set us up to begin with. She contacted me on his behalf. I won’t go into detail (I may have, already, in a previous post), but I decided enough was enough.

I have tried to keep our relationship out of work, including the break-up. With his incessant harassment, I was left with no other options but to talk to my HR manager about it, him, and his pawn. After talking to management, they both have been talked to and have had their jobs threatened. A normal person would bow out at this point, and honor my wishes. A Narcissist, however, will change the playing field. I  know the next step will be my ex and/or his pawn, becoming very vindictive.

I’m ready for it, though I don’t know what they will do from here. I suspect that he will try to get me removed from my job, by incessant calls to my boss (anonymously, of course) complaining about me. Nothing that can be directly linked to him or her, outside of phone records. In a company of this size, no one will check phone records for any reason. They just don’t have time for that. That’s my prediction. Any physical tampering with my car would be unwise, since I have just talked to management regarding the harassment. It would be obvious who tampered with it. He’ll be more underhanded.

There again, he may choose to walk away entirely, finally respecting my wishes. Doubtful, but possible.

Now, I have said all of that to say this… Where does all of that leave me, emotionally? Before, I was afraid of my own shadow. Today, I recognize to potential threat that is looming around me, but I’m not afraid. I’m prepared. The smear-campaign has been going on throughout the relationship, grooming others around him to believe him and his story. Acting emotionally distraught, creates pity from others. It’s the best way to feign innocence. I don’t care about what he says to others. I did for a time, but I really don’t now.

I’m just finally happy living my life, being stronger and more confident than ever before. I don’t hate him, or even the Psychopath of my past, anymore. They are both pond-scum, and should be seen as such.

I hope this entry will help those of you who have not reached this point in your healing process, to have hope. There will be this time for you, too! Not continued abuse, but being able to have peace when you are mistreated from anyone. Being able to be happy, regardless of what others do to you, how they treat you or any harmful gossip they could start regarding you. To be able to go on with your life, in spite of any disordered individual’s (or plain old jerk’s) attacks against you, with peace and serenity in your hearts…

I’m grateful for all the time I’ve spent in hell. Seriously. One becomes stronger, entirely, when you have to fight for your own survival, in any way or form.

Keep breathing and pushing through the hard days. You’ll be happy at the end!

This, I promise!!

 

 

Loose lips sink ships..


I know… this is one of those “old, worn out” cliche’s. It’s an old saying that, for many, is left under the old rug that was thrown in the corner of your great grandfather’s attic, all but completely forgotten.

These past few weeks, I have been re-thinking those old, worn-out cliche’s that were always skillfully written to warn us of behaviors which would harm us or others. I, too, have thrown these cliche’s under the proverbial rug, thinking they didn’t (nor ever could) pertain to me. Many were coined well over 100 years ago, as a tool to teach the children (or adults) important life-lessons. How could they possibly stand in truth of application in today’s society? Unfortunately, people stopped listening and believing them. They are mottos to live by. This particular one is very important to learn and listen to. Only through hind-sight, did I learn the importance of it.

We, who have been targeted to be a meal to a predator, were only targeted because of our sweet, self-less, easily trusting hearts. Someone saw those attributes and decided it would be fun to mess with us and keep doing so. Period. Many of us wanted and needed someone who we could trust to hold us, empathize with us and finally make us feel needed, wanted and safe. There’s nothing wrong with that. We ALL want that, don’t we? Our downfall is in trusting right away. We give too much credit and trust where it hasn’t been earned yet. Too much trust with sensitive information about ourselves, our families, our children, jobs and friends. We believe (and most times, rightly so) that honesty and openness are crucial to any successful relationship. In a normal relationship between 2 NON-disordered individuals, this is the case. However, when one is disordered AND mirroring our deepest desires, we fall for the act, lock, stock and barrel!

Originally, the phrase, “Loose lips sink ships” was coined during WWII in war propaganda posters, reminding all citizens and military personal to stay quiet about any thing which might destroy a current movement of troops or artillery during the war. It is also true when opening yourself up to someone you blindly trust, without actually knowing the person.

In the excitement of meeting this “wonderful and caring” man, who seems to be exactly who and what we’ve needed or wanted, all along, we confide in them. We tell them our deepest desires and/or secrets. They are all too willing to play the part, too. Of course, they are only “acting”, and it works. They feed us what we need most, only to use it against us, later.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we ARE at war, here… I don’t mean that we are being chosen to fight on the front lines of any war-torn area on the planet. Our personal war is for our own psyches, heart, souls, confidence level and so-on. Our battle is to protect those we love. Our families and friends. We are left to fight FOR that which will be ripped apart, carelessly, maliciously and sadistically, otherwise. Without our stead-fast attention to details surrounding the relationship, and then to our own well being vs. detriment, we would become another casualty.

Yes, it’s just that simple.

We are the “ship”. We are that tactical entity, which the enemy wants to ensnare and conquer. When we give too much information without trying the character of the love interest, first, we are divulging information that can be used against us at any time.

It’s important to KNOW the individual first, and the only way to do that is to remain SILENT about anything in or around our lives that can be used negatively, as a way to bait or destroy. Time is the best factor we have in our arsenal, when really getting to know someone. When that  person shows you flaws in their character, believe it. Understand that, especially in the early days, they are on their best behavior. If they show the character flaws early on, it is just a FRACTION of that flaw! As time progresses and you both get more comfortable in the relationship, those flaws will become exponentially worse.

Watch for signs of a TRUE EMPATHETIC nature, vs. a phony one. The phony one will be superficial, with no substance.

Now, I’m not telling you not to ever trust someone with your deepest desires or secrets; only to be cautious and patient when considering whether or not the new love is trust WORTHY! Remember, the Narcissists and Psychopaths of this world, are pros when it comes to mirroring, as a huge manipulation tactic used to woo you into trusting THEM! It works. How about that wonderful person you met? Yep, he’ll disappear as soon as you are hooked. Then, he’ll begin to see you his REAL face. The promises and exclamations will disappear, followed by his once, god-ordained feelings for you. These will be replaced by subtle power plays, and toying with your emotions because he CAN!

Don’t close your eyes to mis-treatment, in order to “excuse” it or “wish” it away. You can’t ignore the obvious, really. Though several VICTIMS have tried. Do you notice the connection?

The ones who try to ignore the abuse, no matter how slight or covert, are the ones who will BECOME VICTIMS! I was, as were several other now, survivors. It all started with a failure to HOLD OUR TONGUES or have control over them, whether in silence, or being far too open with the new love interest.

Is your heart swooning at the very mention of his name? Has he done wonderful things for you, in order to gain your interest? Has it only been a few weeks? Of course he’s treating you wonderfully, sweety. Why would he treat you like crap in the beginning? That would defeat the whole purpose of pursuing you in the first place. He wants you to see him as wonderful. Understand that so many people who appear to be wonderful, are far from it. They just want to gain your trust. To gain a foot-hold, which they will use to abuse, exploit, attack and ultimately, conquer.

There is a place to trust your partner, fully. There is a place to cry on his shoulder when your world falls apart, and confide in him. That time is NOT WITHIN THE FIRST FEW WEEKS!!

Hold your tongue, for your sake and that of your families!

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