Here is an article that someone shared on the dreaded social medium, Facebook, that I would like you to read before continuing this entry:
We have all been there, whether it was because of abuse, mistreatment or even due to an emotional immaturity, which keeps us from being able to handle our own emotions. None of us are exempt from hitting that horrendously dark place within ourselves. I believe most everyone, at one time or another, has thought of suicide at least once in their lives. Most don’t go through with the plans that have been kept so safely in our thoughts, but, unfortunately, some do attempt it and others succeed, to the utter anguish and pain of the family and friends who love(d) them so very much. I, personally, have been in that same dark place, more often than I care to admit. I had the same plans of how to implement my own demise and even kept the tools with me, for a while, ever-ready for that “perfect” time. Thank God I never went through with it.
I haven’t kept much of my own life, a secret. I have shared some of the darkest times of my life, hoping to find someone who could understand, if only to know I wasn’t alone. I found some who were sweet enough just to placate me, for a time. You might be able to relate to this, as well.
I know it’s not a pleasant place to revisit, even in your own memories, but if you think back to that time, can you remember where the greatest help of all, came from? Your experience might be different than my own, and I understand that while I write this… What was it that, ultimately, helped you to find strength? Some might claim that God was their strength and healer, and I am not intending to discount that, one bit.. Claim and acceptance are two different things, here. We can recite whatever prayers or positive affirmations we know, till we’re blue in the face, exhausted in the attempt, while still being buried in that dark place, feeling as though we are drowning. It is only when we dig our heels in deeply, and push through the mental/emotional torment, that we can find strength. We canNOT be slaves to it! Though, so many just give up while hoping that some miracle will find them and magically relieve them of their torment. What happens to them? There is no real peace, no relief, even though they put on a “happy face”.
It’s hard to admit to anyone, that we are struggling. It’s harder to let it show to strangers, let alone those who we are close to.
“…Cry and you cry alone.” There comes a time when that’s all you want to do. It’s all you can do. What that is, is your soul begging you to explore the vast expanse and complexity of YOURSELF. It’s your heart’s cries, crying out to you, begging to be acknowledged. We tend to want to find someone, who will make you feel safe and whole again, if only by letting you cry out to them. I’ve done it, as most others have. I remember those times. I exhausted my ability to “talk it out”, only to still be drowning in my own life, when either of us ( my friend, or myself) were done with the conversation. I was still left with myself, at the mercy of myself, with only myself as the teacher and confidant.
We don’t want to face our own emotions, by ourselves. Heck, we don’t want to face them at ALL, when they are so raw and bare…but we must face them in order to be free. Thoughts of suicide, suicide itself, emotional/mental breakdowns, and so forth, are all brought about by initially being afraid of our own dark place. Afraid to face it, head on. It’s when we ignore our own heart and psyche’s cries to us, that it hits overload.
Silence, when you are in that same dark place, can either make or break us. It’s when our worst thoughts and memories take over. It’s also when we are most able to hear our own hearts (our own mental/emotional cries), and have the ability to recognize that same voice, calling out to us. Interpreting the cries of our own hearts, is where the challenge lies.
I learned to hear my heart’s cries as if it was child in agony (sort of), like my own child. I sat in the silence that I hated so much, and tried to listen…just listen. Your heart will tell you what it needs, if you would be still enough. It expresses through depression, swells of negative thoughts, etc. That dark place is a result of being used, abused, and doing so much for others, but treating yourself as an afterthought. It’s brought out by placing your OWN needs, last, being willing to invalidate yourself while meeting someone else’s needs.
I’m not saying that I’ve perfected this art, but only that I can recognize my heart’s voice when it cries deep within me, now. I still go through those times, occasionally, but I recognize that the last thing I need to do is be buried by my own fear, and give up without hearing, first. It’s still a very tangible version of hell.
I mentioned ‘Claim and acceptance’ earlier… If you are a believer in God, his mercy, his peace, etc.. you already have an avenue to take toward healing. God can only bring healing, if you accept it and ALLOW IT! How many are so afraid of facing their own emotions or dark times, that they run from accepting the healing? I know that might not make sense.. In order to allow yourselves to be healed, you need to accept the pain, or the cause of the pain, first. In order to accept healing, you must first be willing to remove the fear of your own emotions. Fear also keeps us enslaved to the same emotions which are tormenting us. It keeps us slaves to negative thinking patterns, because we are afraid to face them enough to let them go. Remember Jesus and the lame man, in the bible? Whether you believe in such things, or not, this is still a lesson that is very viable… Jesus healed the lame man, and told him, “Now, take up your bed and walk”. Do you suppose that same man felt any different? I think he might have, but he was used to being lame, unable to walk. How hard do you think it was for him to trust enough to stand up? Was he afraid of falling? Did he think Jesus was ‘full of it’? Maybe. What might have happened if he chose to stay bound to his bed, because of fear? It was his choice to accept that healing and face his own pain, or choose to stay on his bed. He walked.
Face your dark place, and don’t run from it or ever give up. Let yourselves cry. let yourselves be angry, but don’t let yourselves be imprisoned by it. Acknowledge your heart’s cries, and validate yourselves. Learn to be introspective, in order to understand what you need for yourself, to become whole.
Peace and wholeness are your gift. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel pain, or anguish. It does mean, however, that you CAN accept those gifts. They are already yours…but first you must face your pain and fear enough to stand up and walk. Each day can be spent in defeat, or as a day conquered. Hear your heart, acknowledge what it’s trying to tell you. Fight to try and understand what you need, and then do it! It’s a long road. It’s a hard and painful road, but well worth it!