Goodbye. Hello

This lady is talented… Do we ever think about the “Goodbye” or “Hello” as we say it? So many meanings in each one of those words. So many emotions behind them, that can change with each time. Yet, it’s just a word… isn’t it?


I am and so I write

Today is the last day of 2015. It’s tradition to say goodbye 2015 and then say hello 2016.

But, oh how there is always a “but” in what I write. But hellos and goodbyes happen every day in our lives.

Hello for meeting new friends and meeting old friends which is really hello again. Hello to a sunrise, an unexpected adventure, a surprise, or just a casual greeting.

Goodbyes are however different. They evoke a strong emotional response. Tears. Heartaches.

– Goodbye to a beloved sister, father, brother, friend. Oh, the longing to be with them for just one more moment to say … but what can you say in a moment?
– Goodbye to being happy or goodbye to being sad. Happy times go fast while sad times drag on and on or so it seems
– Goodbye to a yesterday filled with memories even as today is a…

View original post 17 more words

Such a Neat Little Box

I’ve been on this particular endeavor since 2011-2012, which was the beginning of my healing process from a very real, personal hell. I met a Machiavellian, who managed to utterly destroy me, progressively and with malicious potency. I began reading everything in regards to Narcissism, as well as the other malignant personalities which are included in the dark triad; Narcissism, psychopathy and Machiavellian-ism.

There are tons of personal accounts, and clinical descriptions – listing the characteristics of  these individuals. The major characteristics are pretty consistent throughout each description, whether that be of the clinical professional, or the disgruntled, damaged ex-subject/target. What I have found in my own experiences is that the disordered are impossible to spot, for the empath. We can learn skills to protect ourselves from one variety of these “golden ones”, but completely miss the boat when dealing with individual #2 or #3.

Yes, they all love bomb. Yes, they manipulate, idealize and discard (the method of discard they might use, isn’t always walking out and leaving you for another subject… it can purely be emotional abuse and using the silent treatment for YEARS!). They constantly talk about themselves, and feign empathy and consideration for the onlookers. When you are alone with them under the veil of anonymity, you get the brunt of their disorder(s). You might be in a situation where you aren’t able to just up and leave, and are forced to play act in spite of the hell you are in, in order to maintain some sense of normalcy for the children who are also in the home, or what have you. Your situation is most likely different than anyone else’s. We all might share some similarities, but the “meat” of the experiences are, most likely, shockingly different.

I’m still on a quest. Who I have always been, has been effectively destroyed. It’s true that many of us who have been a victim of a Narcissist, and in all that victimization entails, will most likely encounter another Narcissist or a varying degree of such. I have now had the chagrin of being a victim of 3? I married my last one, who was actually a covert narcissist. I’m not a professional, in that I have never gone through school in order to clinically diagnose anyone. However, my personal experiences include a persistent, insistent and malicious whittling away of my own persona. My own personality and confidence. I have been manipulated in so many ways, my psyche is spinning. I won’t bore you with details, but I will tell you not to fall into the trap, expecting the disordered to fit into anyone’s description or limitations of a clinical explanation. The next one will derail you.

Beware anyone who has NO enemies. Do NOT assume you or your story will always be believed. Be strong enough in your own self, to withstand the storm that follows. You won’t be alone, as there are many of us who have walked the same road you are on. However, those around you just might believe the Narcissist. He is ALWAYS good at his (or her) play-acting. Some play the roll of victim, using a learned tone to sway the affections of others. It works. Its destructive. Long-time friends or family members, just might side with the Narc. Don’t be angry with them. They fell for the same bullshit you did.

The Narcissists don’t fit into a nicely organized, compartmentalized box. They ooze through each minute crack, to form their own shape.

If you find yourself in this position, you do have friends here, who choose to be here for you. I’m one of them.

Life consists of consistently moving your feet, no matter what life throws at you. Don’t give up, and NEVER EVER allow yourself to absorb any lies thrown at you. Especially those that denigrate you. You are worth the fight.



Guard your heart

Over the past 9 years (hard to believe its been that long), since I got away from my monster, I have had many ups and downs. One thing rings true: I don’t know everything there is to know about anything. I’m still at a loss regarding the manipulative, cruel, taunting jackholes. I thought I “figured” it out, or at least as much as I needed to in order to protect myself in the future. Instead, I have learned the contrary. Narcissists have different personalities and base tactics, though their MO is always the same. I have met the Narcissist, the Machiavellian, and the altruistic passive-aggressive (also known as the Covert Narcissist). Beware the latter. They tear you apart from the inside-out ever * so * nicely *. Beware every one of them, of course. What I’ve found is, the “in your face” variety, though cruel, leaves nothing to the imagination. You get what you experience. They give you one hell of a pile of red flags, to do with what you will. Unfortunately, we choose too often to ignore or explain away those red flags, giving them the ultimate permission to devour us alive. They cause you to doubt your reality and what you are seeing. But they don’t hide very well. The covert narc is cunning and sly. They put on a show for onlookers, and absolutely ignore you, your needs, your polite requests or anything else (after they have won you over, of course) behind closed doors. This person acts sweet and their lies are as smooth as butter. The one thing you will notice…it’s all about them. Everything done or said is viewed as a personal attack. And they retaliate. You won’t be allowed to talk about your day, without the covert narcissist interrupting you to make a joke, incessantly, or interrupt you to talk about themselves constantly. You can’t ask for help with something, without being accused of snapping at them. If you happen to be in a drive thru at a fast food joint, if the person behind the speaker sighs, your newly found covert narcissist will call them “rude”. All I had left was to go quiet. I was silent for quite some time. It didn’t do any good to nicely talk about anything…it was always viewed as some personal attack. When one of my grandkids cried, he (you guessed it) thought it was directed at him. He made himself out to be a victim when my baby grand child cried. No kidding.

Just stupid.

As long as were on the subject…beware ANYONE who has no enemies!!!

Needless to say, the latter has caused a deeper wound than even the monster in the beginning. This is just an update from a woman who has dealt with enough. Had enough. Time to do what needs to be done, without looking or even wanting to find the ever-illusive “good guy”. I’ll be buying a home soon.

I’ve lived my life as I was taught by my beautiful mother. Put all others needs before your own…especially the man. The result of this has been me, paying off “his” bills, paying “his” child support, performing as the proverbial Carolyn Ingalls, for the betterment of her family. I sacrificed everything good I ever was, as well as my potentially successful life, all for nothing. I’m 52 now. I don’t have a career. I don’t own a home. My credit has some dings (otherwise it would be excellent now) due to my “husband” having some surprise garnishments, right after we were married. It seemed he had a tendency of running from bills, calling them “fraudulent” and “invalid”. 6 months of garnishments to a newly married couple, has some detrimental consequences. When we met, my credit was decent. I opened a credit card to pay for his new wedding ring. He bought mine from Pawn 1. For 6 months, I made my own bread, and found recipes for things we buy the packaged mix for. Lawry’s taco mix comes to mind. I wasn’t able to make the payments for his ring, for 6 months!! Anything to help ease the financial burden, expecting it to be over in a couple of months. Once the first one was over, here came garnishment #2. I cashed out my 401k and paid off the bills I had that would go to collection, ignoring the new ones since “it would be over soon”. My credit is regaining strength again.

I taught my daughter the same as my mother taught me. It hasn’t ended well for either of us.

Spare me the critique of my writing skills. Spare me the judgment or ridicule. I am who I am and make no suggestions otherwise. I haven’t “arrived” to some grand epiphany. I am a human who admits mistakes.

Forgive me, readers. Peace to every one of you.



Idealization, and trauma bonding

This is a post I wrote as a guest for another blog, a few years ago. Until now, it’s sat in my “drafts”… It’s been 6 years since I’ve been free from that hell. Life continues to throw me into various “ready or not” scenarios, even to this day. Eh, it’s still life…I’ll take it…

I’m a thinker. I’m analytical. I look at all aspects of any given topic before forming my own conclusion. Some might say I think WAY TOO MUCH! But, be that as it may, it’s my own curse and its been invaluable to me. Sometimes, as in the case of my relationship with a Psychopath 2 years ago, I can think myself into being entirely stupid. The sad thing is, I’m not alone, here..

I can’t think of a relationship where, in the beginning, there weren’t over-the-top butterflies, “I-love-you’s” being thrown around, and “I can’t stop thinking about you”. These are the words we say when in a new, seemingly perfect relationship. We want to spend every waking moment with that person and sometimes, every sleeping moment. We are in a state of euphoria. Cloud 9. Everything is perfect. We have an ‘idea’ of who that person is, and some of us feel safe for the first time in our lives. We’ve never known love like “this” before. This is the early part of any relationship, good or bad… Idealization. This is mutual. Otherwise we don’t have the emotional fortitude to actually fall “in love”. It’s what happens when the attraction is mutual. The attraction is both physical and emotional. We believe in who we have met. We believe they are the sweet, caring, self-effacing individual we have always dreamed of. Our proverbial “knight in shining armor”, who has come to sweep us off our feet, out of our own personal hell, and onto that beautiful white horse waiting in the distance. There are ferries, castles, over-the-top chivalrous escapades to drool over…. We believe what we experience from that person, early on. We are caught up in the faerie tale, with hearts beating and eyes a swooning… Really, people? Isn’t that just the way it is, early on? Especially for the insecure, needy woman who has read too many childhood “happily ever after” stories. Don’t worry. I’m not pointing any fingers that aren’t already pointing at myself…

Once we believe the story line, it’s hard to think that it just might be a FALSE perception of the object of our desires. False, because we all put our best foot forward in order to impress and capture the heart of another. We fail to show our faults, or our idiosyncrasies to the new love interest. If we did, we would have a tougher time enjoying a relationship in the early days. This is every bit as true, if not more so, when dealing with someone who is abusive.

The abuse doesn’t usually show, right away. Much of the time, there will be little snippits of the partner’s abusive personality. It starts slow, normally. Of course there are still the sweet times, which keep us enthralled with the other. It’s just THAT which will keep us hanging on. The next thing you will notice in time, is less and less love being shown, and more controlling behavior, or angry outbursts. If you are lucky, you will notice the abusive tenancies early on, being able to walk away before any real abuse takes control. Many of us weren’t so lucky.

We’re stuck in faerie-tale land, where we still believe our partner is the chivalrous knight, who, when he comes to his senses, will still whisk us away to our dream-come-true. “It’ll be ok. He’s just had a bad day…(week, life, etc)” as you wipe the drainage from your freshly blackened eye, arm, open wounds… “I just need to be patient, loving, caring, bandaging his perceived emotional wounds…” If you view the abuse with a clouded, blind eye, it doesn’t make it go away or stop. No matter how much you believe in him, or your relationship.

Lets imagine a real scenario. One that many of us know all too well, already. The abuse has started, a little at a time, coupled with loving gestures and words. He’ll draw you a beautiful personal bath, with scented candles all around. “you work so hard, and I don’t show you enough how much I appreciate you”. As he walks away, while you are swooning again, yet still being careful not to bump the arm that he hurt the last time he threw you. You forget the abuse for a moment, and begin to cry alone. You remember how upset you were at the monster you saw just the previous day. This “monster” has become the Knight in shining armor, once again. “He really DOES love me! How could I have doubted him?” You swell with guilt, mixed with pain inside your heart, and in your body. You begin to trust again.

What you are witnessing here, is a blatant attempt to break your spirit. To cause you to second-guess yourself and to do whatever you can to gain his love, again. You are in pain, and he thinks it’s fun to control you in such a malicious manner. You are desensitized to what it means to be in a healthy relationship. This type of scenario becomes common-place, and you find yourself doing anything in your power to survive. “To Protect and to Serve” isn’t just the motto of our nation’s police. It’s the motto of the abused partner.

When we are finally used up, psyche’s destroyed and our hearts are seemingly non-existent, our previous knight finds another damsel and discards us for her. We, in our emotional and mental chaos, are left reeling. Our world that we fought so hard to preserve with hope, love, sweat, tears and yes, our own blood at times, has been pulled out from under us. We scramble to hang onto whatever sliver we can, in order to cling to what has become “accepted” and “protected”. We love them. We put so much heart into the relationship and felt such repetitive euphoria over this man, that it becomes almost impossible to let go. Regardless of the abuse we suffered at the same time.

This is what becomes a Trauma bond. ( Many of us have gone through exactly this. The trauma bond is what makes it so hard for us to find our confidence again, outside of the relationship. We call, relentlessly, trying to get him to see the error of his ways. “We were meant to be together!!” or “What did I do wrong? I’ll fix it! I’ll prove to you I’m good enough for you…” and so-on. We text, call or show up at his place of employment, only to be met with either silence, or outright cruelty. He doesn’t care, and is happy to tell you. We then go into unrelenting depression, blaming ourselves, our lives, our children… whatever we think the cause might be, for being thrown away. Some victims resort to suicide, to quiet the pain within. Others become stuck in the unrelenting emotional and mental tail-spins, which are a direct result of being discarded so callously.

What so many don’t understand, is, IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT TO BEGIN WITH!

Even if you were the one to walk away from the abusive relationship, recognizing how dangerous it was for you and/or your family, you might still find yourself missing the abuser. After a time, the bond still hooks you to the trauma. It becomes familiar to you and just life as you are used to, regardless of anything else. You have been subjected to constant anxiety and fear, with the occasional honey-moon stage, where everything seems “ok” again. You can’t walk away without being affected by it. You are used to the dramatic mood-swings and even the abuse. To try to walk into normal life again, is difficult at best. PTSD becomes a huge factor in our healing process. It takes time to become centered again.

Remember to be kind to yourself. You may find yourself clinging to memories of the good times, with only shadows remaining of the bad. Force yourself to remember what you endured. Create an exercise to center your heart, mind and psyche. He’s had such a strong hold on you, that you will have a tough time differentiating between your voice and his, for a while. Especially when you hear his taunts, demeaning statements telling you that you are “stupid” or “ugly” or “slut” or, or, or… the possibilities of what you heard for so long, are endless. Would you say those things to yourself? Absolutely NOT! You are hearing his voice still. When you learn to recognize this, then take steps to silence it, replacing those intrusive thoughts with what ever is good or uplifting. No matter what it might be.

The trauma bond will become less of an issue, over time. Believe me when I say this; it takes nothing short of fighting for your very life, to get over this type of abuse. Start to take steps, even small ones, to challenge yourself, your talents and your confidence level. When you are in a position where saying “yes” could be the life-changing wonderful happening you have always wanted, but in the past you would second-guess your ‘qualifications’ or abilities, and say “no” due to a fear of failure… Definitely say YES! The first step out of the familiar is very hard, but when you begin to try in spite of the fear, you will discover a whole new world at your feet. A whole new YOU!

Be patient with yourself, during this time. We all become impatient when wanting to move on and be “over” things. The fact remains that you absolutely can NOT rush through. Concentrate on keeping your feet moving forward, and refrain as best as you can, from becoming fixated on what lies BEHIND you.

My favorite line, which I took from a movie, is “Father, how will I find you?” the father replies, “Don’t be silly, William. you follow your feet..” In other words, keep moving. Don’t stop moving. Even during those hard days that just walking out your front door to go to work, is almost impossible.. move your feet. Even baby steps are steps moving forward. You might go back to the abuser, before being able to let go. If this happens, don’t beat yourself up. Even leaving can be a process. If one approach doesn’t work, try another until you find one that works for you. It will still be painful, but you will become stronger by the day. Keep your friends close to you. They are invaluable.

It has taken every bit of the last two and a half years, for me to get to where I am today. Will I ever be the same again? No, but honestly, why would I want to be that person again? The person who was an easy target, simply because I didn’t trust my own intuition or what I was witnessing, is the whole cause of being targeted in the first place. I had to learn hard things about myself because of the abuse I endured. It’s because of these lessons that I am stronger than I have ever been in my life. I’m 47.

It’s time to finally live.

Life changes things…ready or not

I haven’t produced many posts, lately. I would apologize for that, to my followers but I see no need to, really. As humans we know just living life brings many MANY changes, from day to day. Some are miniscule, some are gargantuas. Regardless, change brings stress, growing pains, and new life. Today, I find myself really challenged and heartbroken.

Back in January, we had my little 3 month old grandson come to live in our home. The circumstances would break anyone’s heart, as a mother. I won’t get into the details surrounding the placement of our grandson, but know that it has torn me apart. I have a responsibility to my adult children, to fight for them, support them and correct them when needed. That responsibility becomes threatened when they do not show responsibility for their own lives, or that of their families and children. When our grandson came to live with us, my role changed drastically. Even though I was still pulling for my daughter to make the right decisions, my ultimate responsibility moved to being the provider and protector of this beautiful baby boy. He is now 9 1/2 months old, still away from his mommy. I have supported my daugher throughout this ordeal, loving her unconditionally and offering reassurance and advice. She still won’t take care of her personal life in order to bring this baby home, legally. This breaks my heart. My role has changed, now, in that I have to make some hard decisions. She has made up my mind as to which direction I need to take this situation and how I should handle my relationship with her. Unfortunately, I have had to go “no contact” with her, recently.

My first born. My beautiful baby girl has to become a stranger to me, now. I wish it was different, I really do.

Recently, she began trying to lie and manipulate me into allowing the baby to be increasingly in unsupervised and unprotected areas. I need to explain a little. He was removed by the state and placed in our custody as a “relative-placement”, due to unhealthy situations which put him in danger. All contact is predetermined by the state, in a supervised environment. She has been trying to convince me that “it’s ok” to change places, because someone else said. Dr visits, change of building for counseling, Etc. Her lies became increasingly obvious, as I double checked everything she planned or suggested, with those other parties, directly. She didn’t know I have all of their phone numbers. Daughter, I’m not that stupid. Since she’s trying to manipulate me, I cannot trust her any longer. She’s becoming desperate, and that is the reason for it. As a mommy, I fully understand her heart, right now. But that doesn’t make it right. What she is suggesting would allow it to be easier to snatch the baby and run with him, placing him in grave danger. I won’t allow it. I am his protector and I will fight any entity to ensure his safety. Even if that entity is my daughter.



People with masks

Does someone you know, seem to ooze confidence? Do you look at friends’ posts on Facebook and think, “Wow, I wish my life was like THAT!” or, “He’s so nice and sincere…”? Does someone around you have everyone loving them, and almost worship the ground they walk on? Someone, who has no enemies…at ALL?

These people are just like everyone else. They want others to view themselves as something other than the fucked up mess they really are. They don’t have self confidence, or they are trying to paint a pretty picture so everyone “likes” them, which is a great way of saying they really don’t have any confidence in themselves. They don’t like themselves enough to be real or stand behind what they do or say. They don’t admit wrong doing, or they are so afraid of back lash, or upsetting someone, they candy-coat everything that comes out of their mouths.

I study everything and everyone. It’s a bad habit, I know. Probably not the most productive, interrelationship-wise, way to be. I’m aware of that. However, I would rather see the real person and sometimes the only way to do that is to analyze their habits, choices of verbage, interaction with others and so-on. When you do this, you start to understand who the person is…really… It takes some time…

Everyone you meet, has some sort of mask. Either, they actively show a false persona to hide their true selves from the rest of humanity, due to some unresolved self-hatred or fear of anger, or they become a recluse for the EXACT SAME REASON. Afraid to let themselves show, because they don’t think the real person is “good enough”. Does this sound like someone you know? Trust me, you know quite a few.

Do you ever find yourselves jealous of another, because they “have it all together” and “everyone loves him/her”… Don’t worry, they aren’t all that wonderful. They just don’t want anyone to know their beliefs, opinions or what-have-you, for fear of upsetting someone. They are the ones who say to themselves, “I don’t like that” but will say to you, “would you like me to do ‘this or that’ for you?” to change your behavior into what is more palatable or closer to their own desired outcome. It’s manipulative, really, though painted in a pretty light.

We all want to be well liked. We all want to be able to hold our own heads high, in a crowd. The best way to do that, is to love yourselves enough to understand that not everyone will like you, nor will you like everyone around you.

Once upon a time, I knew someone who enjoyed being self-righteous. That person said about himself, “I do what I say and say what I mean”.. Even though he wasn’t being honest about himself, what he said does hold some truth.

If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you tell someone something that upsets them, own it and make apologies or amends where you can. If you do something that is either right or wrong, own it and admit it. The attractive person is real to themselves and to others. Anything less than that, is a lie.

Are you confident enough to stand behind what you say, or your actions? Are you big enough to admit to your mistakes, even if it hurts another? Or are you like so many others, and back-track to minimize what was said, telling the other person, “I don’t believe I said that” when you KNOW you did? (That’s also gaslighting, by the way). You might not mean to be manipulative in any way, but in being like that (yes… it’s manipulative), you are also showing your low self-image. Your lack of confidence.

Let your yes be yes, and your no mean no. Are you man or woman enough to love yourselves enough to be REAL to everyone? I don’t mean to tell you to bare all of your skeletons for the rest of the world to see, and in turn show how vulnerable you are. That just invites attack. Stop hiding yourselves, for whatever reason. Lasting relationships and friendships come from accepting others for their faults, strengths, weaknesses, and mistakes. You allow someone to really know who you are. In the end, that’s the most rewarding way to be, and breeds the best intimacy between you and those you love. Why build a relationship based on lies?

Have a wonderful week


When will things get back to “normal”?

Do you ever wonder when, or even IF life will get back to normal? I spent a few years wondering that same thing. Then I realized, “normal” is such a relative term. Emotional chaos and psychological upheaval, are both very real, when you get out of an abusive relationship. Just because he or she is out of your life, doesn’t mean it’s “over” completely. You’ll go through good days, when you are surprised how little you thought of the relationship. Other days you’ll fee like its only been hours since your world fell out from under you. The only advise I have for you on those days is, BREATHE! Take a deep breath…then another… get up and walk or call a friend. Get busy doing something. Be determined not to just breathe, but to live!!

Normal… Here’s my version of normal: Both of my kids are struggling and barely off the streets. I found a wonderful man over a year ago, who I married this past summer. His kids are only slightly more stable than my own kids. Both of our previous lives have been compiled into one major fucked up scenario. We, as well as our children, take turns with our fucked-up-ness and are no where near what the status quot would view as “normal”. All of our children feel safe with the two of us, and know they can turn to us when they need us. Financially, we’re like babies, trying to get things under control, though I can now say, “It’s a wonderful life.”

After my exodus, I day dreamed about what life would be like when I was my normal self, again. The thing is, I was forever changed because of what I lived through. I would never see that part of myself again. The part that I was comfortable with and who I thought I loved, I would never get back. It was that part of me, that I grieved for a very long time. It was also those parts I lost, that were also the reason(s) I was such an easy target. I don’t mourn those parts of me, anymore. I needed to change.

Normal for me, used to be emotional chaos even before the monster came into my life. I was always panicking when I thought someone was angry with me. I back-tracked over my words, relentlessly, to avoid any negativity from any person. I over-explained myself to the point that I looked like a child. A vulnerable child. I had no self-confidence, though I believed I had plenty. I trusted everyone, and put my own heart on the line, without a second thought. Normal… I was FAR from normal. But, that life was normal for me, regardless of how horrible it was. It was normal because it was what I was used to.

“Normal” has changed, so very much! Once upon a time, my counselor asked me what my personal morals were. I tried to answer her questions, but I was repeating my parent’s morals…I was repeating what society had taught me, throughout my life. She kept saying, “That’s THEIR morals, but what are YOUR’S?”. It took me this long to finally be able to answer the question. I feel like I’ve finally arrived! Ha! The thing is, once I was able to answer that question, I also realized that my personal morals would be what would also create my “normal” life. What I’m used to and am happy with, now.

Morals are not only what is acceptable in society. They are also what your own code of ethics, are. Normal to me, as well as what are my personal morals, is… Never lie to myself. Always be real and true to myself. (This sounds so self-centered). If I’m going to say or do it, I might as well stand behind it. That means; if it comes out of my mouth verbally or in action, I have to have the confidence to stand behind it. Don’t cower or backtrack. No excuses or lies, especially to myself.  This line of thinking and living, demands self-confidence, in order to follow through. If I have planned to accomplish something during my day off, but chose to procrastinate instead, I cannot make excuses. Making an excuse to someone else for my inaction, means I am lying to myself as well. If I procrastinated, I am honest about it, come-what-may, even if that means someone becomes angry at me, for it. I own it and most definitely earned it. That’s just an example. Society’s morals are in the mix, too. I still cling to and claim them.

The result of all of that is, I don’t live in fear of the unknown, anymore. I walk with it, now. I’m not afraid of anger so much, anymore. I’m still learning and growing, but I’m very satisfied with who I am as a person, now. I am finally living my “normal”, in all it’s failings and frailties. I can breathe deep, knowing that, though the life I’m in isn’t real stable, the life I AM, is…

What a wonderful awakening 🙂




I laugh every time I think of this…

I was at work one day, when a girl I worked with and I were talking. I don’t remember the conversation at all. I do remember, however, that I was a little worked up about something. She has a very dry personality, with an equally dry sense of humor, yet she is very funny! All at once, she motioned with both arms and hands, as if to suggest the motion of breathing, while uttering the magical mantra, “Goozz-frabba…”. My attention was instantly drawn away from whatever I was frantic about, to this girl. Straight faced, uttering “Goozz-Frabba”, I forgot whatever it was that was bothering me and instantly giggled.

You know, everything we see and hear has meaning. Everything has a definition or distinct purpose, even those things that seem to be utter nonsense. Everything, including that silly phrase, has meaning. That. Silly. Phrase… What happened when she said that to me, complete with the hand/arm motions, is that I instantly calmed down and found a giggle coming out.

Looking back, I am grateful for that girl and that small moment in time. What it meant to me was a silly way to break a spiral-out-of-control (ish) thought pattern, and put things back into perspective. After-all, what I was worked up about didn’t really matter that much. Perspective. It’s what causes a lot of unnecessary negativity, sometimes. Perspective is quite simply, how YOU see something. It’s your point-of-view. 2 people can be on opposite sides of the same lake. One can see beach, the other nothing but rocks, sea-weed, and trees. If neither one knows the other is there, viewing things quite differently, of course the only view that they believe exists, is the one they are seeing personally. If you get those same two people together to talk about that same lake, they might argue about who’s view was accurate. The reality, though, is that both are right. They just witnessed the proverbial lake in different ways.

You and I have been abused by someone. Why else would you be reading my blog, and why would I be writing it? You have your accurate view of the abuser in your past, where his/her family and friends have never seen that side of him. Their view is the nice guy. The selfless one, who they believe wouldn’t hurt anyone. Both views are accurate, depending on personal perception. Neither one is wrong.

I have found myself in a bit of a whirlwind regarding the death of an abuser. Part of what has bothered me, is that he died without the truth ever being known. There is no vindication for me. No epiphanies would come out into public knowledge. My view of the man is based on my own perspective. The same man is viewed very differently by his friends and family. The pain is a very real thing for them, regardless of my own selfish desire to have those painful truths realized by those who idolize him. The fact is, it will probably never happen. The fact is, it really doesn’t matter.

Two sets of perspectives. One is no more right than the other, based on personal experiences. Both are truth.

Goozz-Frabba…. Breathe, relax, let it be.


Death of an Abuser

I am one who has wished for someone to die…That they just stopped existing… I dreamed about what life would be like, if that person wasn’t on this planet any longer. I was horrible enough of a person, to actually waste my time on such a dark wish. The thing is, I thought I would be ecstatic. I’m not.

My mom called me last night, while I was enjoying some time with other family for Christmas, to tell me the Pro-Social sociopath was dead. I sounded cold-hearted when she told me. I feel bad for his family and friends, who love him. I feel bad for his son, and dog. He died on Christmas Eve. I sounded uncaring. Cold. Inhuman. The fact is, I was in shock. I still am. I don’t know how to feel…

I got my wish. How do I feel about that?

My human self is at odds with my angry bitter self. I was able to say to someone, “I don’t hate him…”, after we split up. But deep-down, I really did. I tried to bury that darkness, by renaming it. “He’s not right for me.” and “Someone loves him. It’s just not me.” There were other things I said, trying to rid myself of that hatred. The fact is, I may not have outwardly wished for his death. I might not have said it, or even accepted it, but each time I had to see him, I secretly wished he just didn’t exist. I didn’t want to see him anymore. Ever. Even though I thought life would be better without him on the planet, I find myself strangely, slightly mournful. I don’t even know if that’s the right word. Am I feeling guilty? Maybe.

I wasn’t the one who was cruel, in every way imaginable. I wasn’t the person who was mean. I wasn’t the abuser. I did the right thing, when I made him leave. I did the right thing, when I ended contact between us. I was entitled to be angry and to hate him. I earned that right. Right??

I’m going to try to put this into real-life perspective.

When he finally left, I was relieved. I was happy and ecstatic to have my home and life back. I was only slightly scathed by the ordeal. There was some damage, as you cannot go through abuse of any kind, without it changing you to some degree. He wasn’t my first abuser. He was an echo of the first monster, from four years ago. Been there, done that, burned the t-shirt.

When he left, he was dead to me already. Except for those times that life insisted that I would have to see him again. And again. And again. How did I handle having to see him as part of my job? At first, it was difficult. I didn’t want to be there. He remained cruel to me. Heartless. I left his shop with as business-like of an attitude as I could muster. Under my breath I said to him, “Fuck off, asshole”, as I walked out the door. The days went by, and I started being a little more at ease with the situation. Never trusting him, but always walking away with my head held high.

My job has changed. New company. New life. I haven’t had to worry about seeing him again, for over a month. I still thought about him from time to time, but as a distant memory of an old nightmare. That is where he has stayed…

Until now.

I once asked a figurative question, when I was freshly away from the monster who started all of this… four years ago… “What if he did die? Would my nightmare be over?” The monster of my past is alive and well, though not in my life. He’s affected me and created the canvas of a new me, which is still being painted.

The pro-social sociopath of my not-so-distant past, who solidified those changes and allowed them to take a more solid form, is gone. I don’t hate him. I don’t pity him. I’m glad he’s gone, but I’m more glad that he doesn’t have to live a lie any longer.

For his sake…

Rest in peace…