Day by day…

First, I apologize that it has been so long in between posts. Much has been going on in my home and finding time has been more of a commodity.

Its difficult to choose just how to start this, though I know the first step is: STARTING!! I’ve been thinking about this for the past few weeks, and I believe the first thing I should say (which I believe many can relate to) is “The newly found road I’ve been on in the healing process, has been long and completely unpredictable”, to say the least! After finally getting rid of the (I believe this to be the case, though no documentation has been found as of yet) psychopath that had tormented me for the last year, I have experienced very good days, in which I get a taste of the “old” me that I thought I had lost for good. Prior to this, however, I had to experience a “purging” of sorts. It was as if my psyche was doing some mental cleansing (garbage out), and I was left with a week and a half of anxiety attacks, out of absolutely NOWHERE! This was the most difficult stage. It was immediate, taking place daily…usually in the morning when I was having my coffee and trying to get geared up for my upcoming shift at work. I shook and sobbed uncontrollably. I did have those times that hit me at night. My poor friend was/is my sounding board. She’s kept me from caving in, giving up, and losing…which would have allowed that bastard to win COMPLETELY. These days I struggle with feeling comfortable in my own skin. I feel “off”.

He spent the last several months trying very hard to convince me that he was my “savior”, and that I was mentally unstable. Each time he tried this approach, I thought to myself  “But YOU ARE THE ONE THAT HAS CAUSED IT!!!”. The majority of the time, I stayed silent…though toward the end, I shut him down in various ways.

…this is obviously going to be a sporadic thought/writing process. Please chime in where ever you want. I am hoping my experiences will open your thoughts to find some understanding for your own situation. I have discovered that, though I try, I am unable to completely fathom and accept what has happened to me by another (I use this term lightly) human being. It’s hard to fathom, because I could never have dreamed up this type of person. I can’t possibly twist my mind enough to make him up. There-in lies the confusion. It’s an inner contradiction because I have to force my self and mind to accept what is completely NOT understandable, nor does it make sense from a human stand point. It just does not COMPUTE! As I said earlier…some days are wonderful, as I am able to get a glimpse of myself again…others? Lets just say I am in a horrendously tumultuous thought pattern. My personality type? I’m a thinker. I analyze to fully understand any situation, scenario, question/answer.. you name it. Usually when I pick apart the inner workings of anything mechanical, I understand it once I take it apart. I see how everything fits together, and any other thing that needs to be fixed. When done, the mechanical portion is better than before I sought to understand it. This? This is just not that simple.

Next post…Who are YOU?? I mean, all our lives we have gotten somewhat used to the type of people we are. fun-loving, joking…almost a pain in the arse to our peers…though happy being ourselves…you know what I mean? Before going through your hell over the past (__) [enter # years/mos] What made you so fantastic? This is OUR chance to reaffirm who we know ourselves to be…and that person who the abuser tried to destroy for his/her own gain. Questions? Just ask.

I have to work tomorrow, but please feel free to respond. Maybe we can help eachother? I do know I’m not the only person in the world to have experienced this. Sleep well.

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5 thoughts on “Day by day…

  1. Pingback: How Could He Do That To Me? Shock and Disbelief After Discovering Your Lover is a Psychopath, Narcissist, etc… « Phoenix Rising

  2. I am so grateful to have found your Blog.
    I am stumbling in the 3rd week of mine leaving me when we ALL know, it should have been the other way.
    I am starting at day one of your blog in the hopes, you have found yourself.
    Don’t want to start the book at the end.

    1. I’m so glad you found my blog! And, thank you for your comment. I wish I could offer you something that would show you this is an easy transition ahead. It isn’t. But it’s not the “end”…it’s only the beginning. Each day you experience will bring you more and more of yourself. Even a “you” that you haven’t met yet. One of the first things you will go through (You’ve probably been going through this for a while, even before he left), is the “gotta understand” phase. It’s grueling, but empowering and enlightening, at the same time. The best thing I could have done, is start this blog, just as you have done by reaching out to others who can understand. I’ll be here with you, every step of the way. The #1 thing you need to accept within yourself is that you are NOT alone!! No matter how much his lies tell you you are. Drown your thoughts (his thoughts) with absolutely everything positive, and don’t be afraid to research every question you have about what you have been through. This is YOUR journey, and it will take shape as you NEED it to.

      One of the best things I have learned is to NEVER allow your feet to stop! That means, no matter how down-trodden you are, no matter how buried you are in pain, keep moving forward. Find ways to gain even a little strength for each day. This will become easier, I promise you 🙂

      1. Oh, thank you for your reply.
        I have been stating to me and everyone around me how THIS TIME is DIFFERENT!
        How do I know?
        I haven’t CRIED………
        So much for that (after reading your reply 😉 but I AM grateful!!

        I don’t even KNOW you and you just reassured me that he hasn’t taken everything from me like I keep “thinking” he has.
        Had he taken my “soul” which was his first and ONLY intention, I may have not been able to move forward.

        I THINK I am, I think I AM, I THINK I AM!!

        1. Good girl!! That is the best mantra I have heard, yet! :), and one of the best defenses against the lingering effects of a psychopath! Be sure to check out phoenixphere.com. A wonderful blog, which is also another woman’s journey of healing. She has been extremely valuable for me and my own journey. Any other people who’s comments you will find throughout this blog. They have become my life’s breath, especially in the beginning.

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