First, I apologize that it has been so long in between posts. Much has been going on in my home and finding time has been more of a commodity.
Its difficult to choose just how to start this, though I know the first step is: STARTING!! I’ve been thinking about this for the past few weeks, and I believe the first thing I should say (which I believe many can relate to) is “The newly found road I’ve been on in the healing process, has been long and completely unpredictable”, to say the least! After finally getting rid of the (I believe this to be the case, though no documentation has been found as of yet) psychopath that had tormented me for the last year, I have experienced very good days, in which I get a taste of the “old” me that I thought I had lost for good. Prior to this, however, I had to experience a “purging” of sorts. It was as if my psyche was doing some mental cleansing (garbage out), and I was left with a week and a half of anxiety attacks, out of absolutely NOWHERE! This was the most difficult stage. It was immediate, taking place daily…usually in the morning when I was having my coffee and trying to get geared up for my upcoming shift at work. I shook and sobbed uncontrollably. I did have those times that hit me at night. My poor friend was/is my sounding board. She’s kept me from caving in, giving up, and losing…which would have allowed that bastard to win COMPLETELY. These days I struggle with feeling comfortable in my own skin. I feel “off”.
He spent the last several months trying very hard to convince me that he was my “savior”, and that I was mentally unstable. Each time he tried this approach, I thought to myself “But YOU ARE THE ONE THAT HAS CAUSED IT!!!”. The majority of the time, I stayed silent…though toward the end, I shut him down in various ways.
…this is obviously going to be a sporadic thought/writing process. Please chime in where ever you want. I am hoping my experiences will open your thoughts to find some understanding for your own situation. I have discovered that, though I try, I am unable to completely fathom and accept what has happened to me by another (I use this term lightly) human being. It’s hard to fathom, because I could never have dreamed up this type of person. I can’t possibly twist my mind enough to make him up. There-in lies the confusion. It’s an inner contradiction because I have to force my self and mind to accept what is completely NOT understandable, nor does it make sense from a human stand point. It just does not COMPUTE! As I said earlier…some days are wonderful, as I am able to get a glimpse of myself again…others? Lets just say I am in a horrendously tumultuous thought pattern. My personality type? I’m a thinker. I analyze to fully understand any situation, scenario, question/answer.. you name it. Usually when I pick apart the inner workings of anything mechanical, I understand it once I take it apart. I see how everything fits together, and any other thing that needs to be fixed. When done, the mechanical portion is better than before I sought to understand it. This? This is just not that simple.
Next post…Who are YOU?? I mean, all our lives we have gotten somewhat used to the type of people we are. fun-loving, joking…almost a pain in the arse to our peers…though happy being ourselves…you know what I mean? Before going through your hell over the past (__) [enter # years/mos] What made you so fantastic? This is OUR chance to reaffirm who we know ourselves to be…and that person who the abuser tried to destroy for his/her own gain. Questions? Just ask.
I have to work tomorrow, but please feel free to respond. Maybe we can help eachother? I do know I’m not the only person in the world to have experienced this. Sleep well.