A new year.

One thing that my “X” kept saying that has stayed with me since day 1… “Make this year better than the last”. In everything he said and did, this is one I’ll choose to hold onto. It’s actually good advice.

Humans are difficult learners. We learn facts, figures and new skills, quite well. when it comes to life-lessons? Not so much. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over, while all the while wondering why we are still “stuck” in a tumultuous pattern. My pattern that I am stuck in (or have been, up until my experience with my “x”) is getting involved with abusive men.

Since finally ending things with that inhumane, non-human…I have been very scared of getting involved with any other man. Relationships right now, scare me. I’ve gone out on dates, but as soon as the man shows any sort of tendency toward “liking” me, or having romantic feelings…I run the other way. I might be opening another can of worms, that I can’t handle. I’m just looking for some way to convince my psyche that I’m not dead.

One foot in front of the other. I am trying to rebuild any lost integrity in my job, since it’s my manager’s opinion of me over the last year that has really taken a toll. I was in such a constant state of anxiety while at work, that I was making ridiculous mistakes. I need to mend a bridge with a fellow employee, as well. Rebuilding my relationships with my friends is another one. I’ve been avoiding contact with them for over a year. I know they love me, no matter what, but I need to get out of this phase of avoiding them. I did that in the beginning of my relationship with my “X”, to avoid conflict with him. Later on, it became a way of protecting them from him. Now, I suppose I avoid them because I’m ashamed.

He wanted to go to my best friend’s house with me, for a visit. Prior to this, he wanted nothing to do with them, and did everything he could (lies about car problems, and becoming angry with me, accusing me of cheating on him) to keep me from spending time with them as well. It worked. During that time, I learned that if he was to go to their house, it wouldn’t be a diplomatic visit. It wasn’t any sort of “meet and greet” session that he was proposing (though he would have faked that sort of scenario). He would have sized them up,  mentally taking note of everything he could possibly use against them. He was so suspicious and paranoid, ANYTHING could be used. He only met 2 of my friends at a birthday party that he really pushed to go to. He wasn’t invited, but I arranged for him to go, just to shut him up.

He didn’t say anything positive about anybody there, and acted like a bull-dog when it came to me. When we were done, he proceeded to let me know all of the things wrong with my friends, their personalities, and why he didn’t trust them. That was the end of him meeting anyone. This is going to be a difficult process..but one that is absolutely NECESSARY to get past my experience.

I found another blog that I’m going to recommend to anyone who is interested… http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/moving-on-life-after-the-psychopath/

Again, this is a place for you to talk, discuss, vent and find other’s who can relate to what you have been through. You have friends here and you are NOT ALONE!! I wish you all a wonderful new year! Remember to breathe when you walk 🙂 Change is sometimes a scary venture, but ALWAYS something that is needed.