A new year.

One thing that my “X” kept saying that has stayed with me since day 1… “Make this year better than the last”. In everything he said and did, this is one I’ll choose to hold onto. It’s actually good advice.

Humans are difficult learners. We learn facts, figures and new skills, quite well. when it comes to life-lessons? Not so much. We tend to make the same mistakes over and over, while all the while wondering why we are still “stuck” in a tumultuous pattern. My pattern that I am stuck in (or have been, up until my experience with my “x”) is getting involved with abusive men.

Since finally ending things with that inhumane, non-human…I have been very scared of getting involved with any other man. Relationships right now, scare me. I’ve gone out on dates, but as soon as the man shows any sort of tendency toward “liking” me, or having romantic feelings…I run the other way. I might be opening another can of worms, that I can’t handle. I’m just looking for some way to convince my psyche that I’m not dead.

One foot in front of the other. I am trying to rebuild any lost integrity in my job, since it’s my manager’s opinion of me over the last year that has really taken a toll. I was in such a constant state of anxiety while at work, that I was making ridiculous mistakes. I need to mend a bridge with a fellow employee, as well. Rebuilding my relationships with my friends is another one. I’ve been avoiding contact with them for over a year. I know they love me, no matter what, but I need to get out of this phase of avoiding them. I did that in the beginning of my relationship with my “X”, to avoid conflict with him. Later on, it became a way of protecting them from him. Now, I suppose I avoid them because I’m ashamed.

He wanted to go to my best friend’s house with me, for a visit. Prior to this, he wanted nothing to do with them, and did everything he could (lies about car problems, and becoming angry with me, accusing me of cheating on him) to keep me from spending time with them as well. It worked. During that time, I learned that if he was to go to their house, it wouldn’t be a diplomatic visit. It wasn’t any sort of “meet and greet” session that he was proposing (though he would have faked that sort of scenario). He would have sized them up,  mentally taking note of everything he could possibly use against them. He was so suspicious and paranoid, ANYTHING could be used. He only met 2 of my friends at a birthday party that he really pushed to go to. He wasn’t invited, but I arranged for him to go, just to shut him up.

He didn’t say anything positive about anybody there, and acted like a bull-dog when it came to me. When we were done, he proceeded to let me know all of the things wrong with my friends, their personalities, and why he didn’t trust them. That was the end of him meeting anyone. This is going to be a difficult process..but one that is absolutely NECESSARY to get past my experience.

I found another blog that I’m going to recommend to anyone who is interested… http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/moving-on-life-after-the-psychopath/

Again, this is a place for you to talk, discuss, vent and find other’s who can relate to what you have been through. You have friends here and you are NOT ALONE!! I wish you all a wonderful new year! Remember to breathe when you walk 🙂 Change is sometimes a scary venture, but ALWAYS something that is needed.

Peace…

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2 thoughts on “A new year.

  1. I totally understand your struggle. I have experienced psychological abuse and witnessed as a child many instances of domestic abuse. It is a very hard cycle to break. I believed at one point I could change this pattern by ‘taking myself off the market,’ give myself time alone and then ‘hop back in.’

    It never works because the same dynamic, the same needs, the same hole is still there. It is the thing which predators recognize. Check out my post about this @ http://ayannanahmias.com/2012/01/03/malice/. The men and women who abuse other people are predators and they know how to easily identify their prey.

    The only way that I could truly begin to heal was through ‘Cognitive Therapy’ because ultimately in addition to recognizing our ‘holes’ (which are actually the pain that we experienced at some point in our lives which we secreted away and never dealt with), we have to change our patterns of interacting with life.

    For me, once I began to get a grip and change my interpersonal relationships I thought I was ‘healed’ and would never experience abuse again. But oh, how wrong I was! Abuse takes many forms, it can morph from physical to psychological to self-inflicted very easily. So for me, once I got a grip and could immediately identify a man and the dynamics that would turn into an abusive relationship, I began to experience psychological abuse in the workplace. I attracted managers and coworkers who exercised negative power over me and I began to interact with them as an abused woman.

    I continue with my Cognitive Therapy sessions to this day and I have finally begun to break that pattern as well, but it is one that people like us must be ever vigilant about. We must remain in the present, in touch with our feelings and emotions, to not contradict what our heart and head tells us – because we can’t fix abusers, we can’t change them, there is nothing wrong with us if we value ourselves.

    Ultimately we get one life to live, and we deserve the best that it has to offer. When we live a quality life, we can be our best and in a position to offer back to the world, our communities and our families the abundant gifts that have been bestowed upon us.

    Stay strong in your journey!!! ~ Ayanna Nahmias

    1. I appreciate your comment very much!!

      One thing that my “X” said repeatedly is, “…I knew you were abused before I ever asked you out…”. The first couple of times he mentioned this, I asked him how he knew. He said, “I just knew”. Being very ignorant I didn’t know that someone could actually pick an abused woman (or man) out of the crowd, I wondered just HOW he knew. It wasn’t until I watched “I, Psychopath” that I understood how. He “knew” through the eyes of a predator. Ted Bundy (according to the documentary) was skilled in this area. The documentary showed how this is done. I suppose there are other tell-tale signs that would cause a predator to take notice and action.

      This is one area that I have learned about in my research. It was shocking that I actually placed myself (on a daily basis) on the “chopping block”, every time I walked out of my house. This is a behavior that I don’t know how to change. It’s all I know. It’s in how I walk (according to the previously mentioned film), obviously…but I’m not aware of other things or actions that would be a “bulls-eye” to a predator.

      I can relate to much of what you wrote. I was abused throughout my life by family, friends of family, school officials, friends, and witnessed very scary events. This last experience about set me “over the edge” so to speak. I can now say that I understand some of the plight that those with PTSD, go through on a daily basis. This is something I NEVER wanted to learn! I never wanted to learn any of this…yet here I am.

      I’m blessed to know that others know and understand. Thank you for your reply. I will read your blog after work tonight 😀

      Phoenix Rising also has a blog that I am going to recommend to you. Very well written and informative. Very helpful in the “understanding” phase, too.

      http://phoenixsphere.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/the-narcissicists-seduction-a-card-trick/

      I hope you have a great day!

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