I am constantly aware of the world around me, these days. I’m aware of people and their reactions toward me. The change in me after being under the thumb of a narcissist is, I am never completely comfortable…anywhere! I feel as though I am living in borrowed space, looking through someone else’s eyes. I have been made to be afraid every moment and day of my waking life, for the past year. Though the relationship is over, the hell I have had to endure isn’t completely over. Every day is easier, though I still don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m still forced to be aware of everyone around me and how they might be viewing me as a person. I still feel like I have to look over my shoulder AT ALL TIMES. I’ve never been a paranoid person in any way, shape or form. Yet the reality as it sits today is that I’m paranoid! It’s not that I can’t trust others around me, per se’…but I don’t trust them as it pertains to my “X”, and their flawed views of him as a person. I feel that I’m the one being looked at as the awful person. That I’m not trusted or believed. I have to be constantly aware of any potential turn of events. Aware that at any given time, he could turn the corner and be everyone’s friend, and I’ll still be the one on the outside, wanting to join everyone on the inside. This might not make sense. I’m just writing it as it comes out.
Some of the things I have noticed: The way I think, has been completely changed. I’m not quick-witted, nor am I able to concentrate very well. My ability to remember much of anything, has been affected too. My memories of the past year are not vivid. I remember…don’t get me wrong…but it’s as though I’m “seeing” things through a cloud. I see most things through a cloud. It’s effecting everything in my life. My ability to recall the previous days events, for example, are embarrassingly slighted. The ability to maintain a thought while writing, has also been affected. I have always been proud of my writing abilities. Now, there is little to be proud of. I sometimes wonder if, through the past year’s Hell, I haven’t been afflicted with some sort of dementia-like disorder.
I’m not the “me” I loved (though there still was room for improvement). At the same time, some of the things that I have lost over the years through other bad experiences, such as; empathy, compassion, etc. are so bare and open, I tear up at the slightest provocation. This IS something that I saw as beautiful about myself, so many years ago. It’s nice to see that side of me again, though there is no balance. When will this all stop so that I can pick up and continue on, without any left over residual residue?? It’s been 7 months since he’s been totally out of my life. Yet, 7 months later I am still having to live next to where he works, see his car and on occasion I still have to see him at work. He leaves me alone…though I’m sure he’s till watching my every move… enquiring of others about anything he could use against me at any given time.
I saw him come into my store the other day. He didn’t come near me, but I did see him come in. I wasn’t ready for that. I shook for several hours as a result. I am completely aware that wishing someone would die, is wrong…but… What if he did die some day? Would my hell be over just because of that? Honestly, I don’t believe so. I’m still stuck in the life he conditioned me to. I don’t believe it would be “all better” just because some entity was merciful enough to destroy him for me.
This is just a result of being tired of feeling and living like this. I’m really tired of this. I just want to be “me” again! Silly, bouncy, bubbly, intelligent, little ol’ me. Where did I go??
Thank you for allowing me some ‘venting’ time. Tomorrow will be a good day, regardless of everything else. My granddaughter and I will get to spend the day together. We’ve made plans to go to a play area for a while. I’ll be making her a large breakfast, with everything she likes. I want her to feel special for the entire day!
This one word is just as much a wish for myself, as it is for anyone going through the same thing as I am… PEACE!