Monkey See, Monkey Do…


Original page:http://www.worth1000.com/entries/644027/monkey-in-the-mirror (courtesy of yahoo image search)

A couple of months ago, my company started moving people around. Managers switched stores, employees went to different stores in the area or out-of-town… My store went through some changes too. One of our Assistant managers, traded places with another store’s Assistant Manager. They ‘ store swapped’. This change has had me thinking, ever since. I’ll explain why, and why it’s making me think. Also, WHAT I’m thinking. I realize that things might be coincidental..but there’s so much “coincidence” here, it makes me wonder…and makes me a little uneasy. I’m not sure why. What are your thoughts? I dated my x for a year…but had to endure seeing him, longer.

First, the question: Since Psychopaths mimic emotions as a method of social survival, do they or can they mimic in other areas, too, as a way to appear to be more perfect?

Here’s why I’m posing this question… but first, I need to describe the “monster’s” regular mannerisms as I came to know him: (I have to note: my X is closer to ‘Senior citizen’ status than is the Assistant…who is almost 20 years younger)

  • Appears to be highly intelligent.
  • His gait is swift…was always too quick to keep up with him when walking ANYWHERE.
  • Has a regular ‘slump’ in his posture
  • Speech pattern is quick, direct and processes thought rather quickly.
  • Appeared to be efficient in his routines
  • Hair cut short…almost a military (Marine-type) “high and tight”
  • Wears a particular brand of black tennis shoe as regular work attire

I’ll save the last one until a little later on in this entry…

Now, our new Assistant Manager’s mannerisms:

  • Appears to be highly intelligent.
  • Swift gait
  • Regular ‘slump’ in his posture
  • Speech pattern is quick, direct and processes thought rather quickly
  • Efficient in his routines
  • Hair cut short…almost a “high and tight”
  • Wears the SAME particular brand of black tennis shoe as regular work attire

He is married (This is the difference between them) but doesn’t speak of his wife with others, though I have heard him on the phone with her…he is loving and nurturing with her. He’s caring with customers, though not a person to be manipulated or taken advantage of. He seems to be a ‘real’ person.

I had never worked with this Assistant Manager before, though I did speak to him on occasion when delivering products to his original store. I never witnessed his mannerisms until he came to work at my store. The first day I worked with him, the similarity of their mannerisms made it hard for me to accept him. (similarity? More like EXACT REPLICAS!) It’s still hard for me to work with him, just because of the ‘de ja vue’ I’m getting in seeing the similarities. He reminds me TOO MUCH of my X-monster. I do like him, though, and am impressed by his professionalism. He’s probably one of the best in management I’ve seen in many years…if not ever.

Backing up… (this is one that almost has me convinced) My x, about 5 months before the dramatic end, complained of neck and upper back pain. Part of our job is to continuously answer the phones. In their store, they have to do this, help customers, and work with computers at the same time. A good environment for neck and back ailments…I am aware of this, though it is just unnerving. Last week our new Asst. complained of pain in the exact same area. His complaint wasn’t near as exaggerated, though.

The question again: Since Psychopaths mimic emotions as a method of social survival, do they or can they mimic in other areas, too, as a way to appear to be more perfect?

You can see why I’m posing the question. I have never come across any article that implies daily mannerism mimicry. I can see why he would, though. He (My x) wants to appear to be perfect. My first thought when he (the new Asst) started working for our store was, “who is mimicking whom?” I thought about it…if one is truly mimicking the other, (The asst is younger), it would have to be my X. He’s the one who fits EVERY ONE OF THE CRITERIA of a Psychopath. He’s the one who mimics emotion. He probably views the Asst as someone who appears to be as perfect as anyone there. The monster probably admires him, too.

What are your thoughts? Thanks in advance for your input. This one, for whatever reason, is something important to me, to try to understand the Monster.

Peace 😀

Stages…


As I have mentioned before, each stage I have experienced since escaping the psychological hold of my X-monster has presented itself without warning, and completely absent of any mercy. I begin experiencing something new and generally I can recognize where it’s stemming from…but apparently, not always.

In order to explain this, I have to go back a few steps…back to the final ‘finale’. This process took a couple of months to see to fruition. I broke ties with him, though I recognize this isn’t the normal recognized pattern of Narcissist/Psychopath/Sociopath and the partner…whether they be male or female. Generally the victim is grasping at straws, trying to find some way…ANY way to make their partner happy. By the end of their hell on Earth, their abuser usually dumps THEM without warning or remorse. In my case I recognized the abuse. I recognized what he was causing inside of me because of his incessant attacks at my dignity and belittling attempts, and I began to take steps to get AWAY from him. Since I was so emotionally (by this I mean by way of fear, being what I call a ‘jelly-fish‘, and missing any sort of sense of self-worth by that point) tied to him, it had to be done skillfully and planned. I had lost almost all of my natural ability to stand up for myself, though I tried (I learned later that I couldn’t win) to make him see the error of his ways. I had to find another way to get away from this ever-deepening trap he had me held in. I was emotionally and psychologically trapped for over a year. I was afraid for my job. He threatened me, unwaveringly, as it either pertained to my job directly, or the punishment I would endure if I talked about him or our relationship in any way. He said “I’ll know”… he used fear tactics, and keeping me teetering emotionally, in order to keep me silent. It was a skillfully thought out plan on his part. He knew my weaknesses after all.

What I did have in my arsenal was a family at home. I didn’t live with him, though I spent enough time at his house (in order to keep him “happy”, and try to avoid the attacks) that it could have had the same type of effect. I had my own home, in which were waiting my daughter and granddaughter. They were living with me, trying to get on their feet. I was so engrossed in my own hell, I wasn’t there for them or myself. I used them as an excuse to spend less time with him. My granddaughter has some major health problems which cause her difficulty in breathing at times. I would express my worry and tell him “I have to be there in case she has to go to the hospital!”. He pretended to understand. I at the same time, expressed to him my need to spend time away from him. He agreed to leave me alone and give me my space to think. Instead of leaving me alone, he showed up at MY house every day (and almost as many nights) for 2 weeks. I didn’t have the guts to tell him no. At the same time he would say, “If you need time to think, I’ll give you that time.” But as fact would have it, he refused to do that. He used that time as a ‘fact finding’ mission, and used whatever he could to attack me and my dignity, as was commonplace. I realize this is disjointed. Please bear with me. I refused to be intimate with him. I had other reasons for this, but I told him I wanted to distance myself in order to have the chance to feel close to him again. I lied. My real reason was in the separation. I needed to separate myself emotionally (fear, intimidation included). I realized it was a process I had to take. Otherwise, if I had failed to do so, I would absolutely NEVER recover from his onslaught of torturous behavior.

When I realized he wasn’t willing to comply with my requests, I began looking for obvious signs of his abusive nature, and the abuse itself (they were very obvious to me from the beginning. I pointedly watched and listened for them, making note so I wouldn’t miss a thing). I began to call him on EVERYTHING! All the way down to the double-standards he tried to hold me to…but he was above his same judgment. Keep in mind, the only information he had to seemingly (to him) support his suspicions, was whatever he found over the internet via search engines, (spokeo, pipl, peoplefinders, etc.) which revealed that I had been married more than once, and I had a social networking site, which I told him about prior. I caught him in one particular outright lie, at one point. I am the daughter of a Border Patrol agent. My brother is a police officer (now detective) and I have a couple of friends in the legal field. I used knowledge I gained from them to support my findings. That, and knowing his normal reactions to certain subjects and situations, which in this case he failed miserably. yep, I called him on that one too. I went from that to outright picking fights. It had to be done.

With each step I took, I was able to see more clearly. I was able to hold him in complete disdain (though I was entirely confused by this point). I was tired of being afraid and anxious all the time, and I was ready for a fight…ok, as ready as I could be. I wouldn’t be disappointed. As was the standard, I still couldn’t predict what he would pull out of his hat. I couldn’t predict his manipulations being poured out against me, exponentially. I couldn’t predict the new threats and attempts to change my way of thinking. I couldn’t predict what he could do from that point. That was the standard when it pertained to our relationship from the beginning. He was completely unpredictable.

He tried to convince me even more strongly that I was mentally “unstable”, and that he was, as he said, “…the only one who ever helped you THROUGH this!” …yadda yadda yadda… He faked tears, too. He tried to convince me that in my decision to not be intimate with him, I was actually hurting myself. He continued on. I kept him at ear’s length, while trying hard to tune him out. However, I WAS aware of what he was saying to me. I can’t remember the last thing, but to that one I told him, “I think I’m gonna say good night, now”. I said it calmly, and directed. He absolutely FLIPPED! He called me delusional, among other things, YELLING all the way to his car. It didn’t end there. He continued on later in emails, calling me (blowing up both my home phone and cell phone, intermittently) every minute. I would not answer. During all of this, I still had the natural assumption that he had at least SOME human characteristics. Again, he proved me wrong in everything. I still tried to maintain some sort of working relationship with him, in order to ‘protect’ my job.

Soon after, I caught him directly in a manipulation attempt…a con-game, in which I was the subject. He had expressed his undying love for me only the previous day. He believed that during the first “break up”, I had gone out with another co-worker. Though I told him that never happened, he didn’t believe me. He was determined to find out the truth. He started talking to me about this particular co-worker, and asking questions out of the blue…trying to get me to say something negative about something the other guy supposedly said (This was MONTHS after the first attempted breakup). “I’m surprised you don’t have something to say about ‘that’ one…” to which I responded “Well, if it’s true, then it’s not right…but I don’t believe he would ever say or do anything like that.” Prior to this, my X expressed his hatred of that man. Within the next couple of days, I saw they just became friends on facebook. That made me feel uneasy, so I decided to talk to him about it. It appeared that he was trying to set me up. I reminded him of what he personally told me regarding his hatred of that other man. He quickly (again) told me I was a liar, I was making it up, I was delusional, etc… I found out then that I was right, and I THEN saw that he had no boundaries, no natural limits, and is capable of ANYTHING. He attacked me with his full arsenal. I learned that same day that he was still (though he expressed in the 4 page email 5 months prior, that he was sorry for doing this) scoping out my neighborhood at 2 and 3 am. He never stopped. My neighbors saw him. I then went to my manager, and filed an emergency restraining order with the District Court, which was in effect as soon as it was signed. There were a couple futile attempts on his part to contact me again…I called the police… this was the end of that…

It was finally OVER! I could be at peace (though only to a small degree) while in my own home. This started the phases I would go through, and am continuing to go through…

The first one, what I call panic attacks…uncontrollable trembling and crying, hysterically. I was unable to think. I couldn’t stop pacing. I couldn’t sleep. I called my friend during these times. The dear woman didn’t get much sleep during this. It finally subsided after almost 2 weeks of being hit with it morning, noon, and night. Having to go to work to support my job, believe it or not, definitely helped during this time. I had to force myself out of my house, but I stayed functional-ish.

Then there were the different facets of fear I would experience, later. (These continue, without warning of the next onset)

A few phases I have experienced, I haven’ t been able to find my way out of. I am still alienated from my friends. I date other men, but have a fear of ANY closeness. As soon as they want to take our time together to the next level of affection…I run the other way, never to be heard from again. I’m afraid of a relationship. this in itself is a phase, though I don’t know what to call it. I can’t say no to going out with a male friend, or someone new I’ve met. I feel like I have to, to keep from offending them. Sick huh? I can’t seem to tell them what I need or don’t want. I just disappear.

Tonight revealed another stage…I was taking everything male customers said to me, offensively. I was snappy even to seasoned customers who I had developed a report with. This is COMPLETELY unlike me! It was uncontrollable.

I’m still in the beginning stages of healing. I realize that it’s an ever-going process, which will be unbearable at times. I am a prisoner to introspection, so I am more aware than a lot of people as to the goings on inside. This only helps me to recognize what I am experiencing. It just doesn’t help me past it.

I am expressing this today, to maybe help you to recognize stages you might be going through, too. You aren’t crazy. You are going through a healing process, too. Your’s might be different, as we all respond differently to stress and abuse. Thanks for bearing with me through this long entry. I use this blog to think through things, too. I want to be sure that others can read what I’m going through, as no one deserves to feel alone. Thanks to you that I have met here, i don’t feel so alone. We are experiencing much the same things. Thank you!

Again, I want to wish you and I both…PEACE!

 

In days like these…a little peace is in order…


In days like these...a little peace is in order

This is the remarkable moment when a tiger bowed its head and placed a paw up to the hand of a small girl . . .

“Photographer Dyrk Daniels noticed the 370lb Golden Bengal Tiger had taken an interest in the child, who was leaning against his glass enclosure.

As the tiger, called Taj, headed over to her, Mr Daniels got his camera ready, expecting him to snarl and bang against the glass.

‘I noticed that Taj had taken an interest in the girl and was heading towards her.

‘I thought for certain that the little girl would need therapy after the encounter and fear cats for the rest of her life.

‘I could not believe my eyes when Taj approached the girl, bowed his head and then placed his huge right paw exactly in front of where the little girl’s left hand was.

‘It was incredible to watch. Taj let down his right paw, rubbed his cheek against the glass where the little girl’s face was and moved off.’

Far from being scared, the little girl was so excited that she started clapping as she walked back afterwards towards her mother.

‘I have never seen such tenderness from such a large predator,’ Mr Daniels said.”

Picture: Dyrk Daniels/ Solent News & Photo Agency

Certain things I’ve found to be helpful…


I’ve mentioned before about some of the past abuses I have been through (maybe it was in a comment). I discovered the tool of writing, by accident. I was still having some problems with memories of what I had endured as a child. I was lucky enough to have quite a lot of time at my disposal when I was young, in order to be able to write in private. I began writing. It was VERY hard to start…I was afraid of doing it wrong. No kidding! I had to convince myself that there is no wrong way to write when it’s for your own benefit. Once I started, I at first started with “this is stupid”, “I have nothing to say” and the like. Soon it evolved into recognizing which emotions I was feeling at the time, which were compelling me to write. “Anger”…then I would describe why i was angry. “Sad” and “afraid”…this was usually sparked by one of “those” memories…so, {gulp} I started writing those memories. Within the first sentence or so, I found myself reliving the event…to a point. There were the familiar tears and trembling that had been my lot to carry. They began to surface as I wrote each word. I wrote until I absolutely couldn’t anymore. I would put the pen down, dry my eyes, and pray. I needed a hug from someone but I had no one I could talk to, except God, about everything. Once that memory was on paper, I was terrified to read it again, so I took the paper outside and burned it. Wow! I had power over that memory!! The more I exercised the journaling (for lack of a better term) process, the easier and more empowering it became. Once I was no longer afraid of those memories, it became easier to write others. I stopped being afraid to face them, somewhere along the line, which is what has given me the ability to write about my experiences in a public blog.

I have been talking with another wordpressian who is finding it difficult to start writing. In talking with that person, I realized that others might be finding it to be equally difficult to begin. All you know is you are being compelled to do so, by something in your soul (or what have you). I wanted to mention this, because it has been a great help to me throughout my life. Let me warn you though, it is a painful process and may take practice to be able to finally face those scary events and feelings. Once you get past the fears associated with it, I believe you will find it to be a great psychological and emotional cleansing experience. Depending on the subject you write about, as well as the emotions (fear, pain, anxiety, hatred, etc), you may find it helpful to burn what you write. Of course you would have to write on paper to do this, no matter how much you might find it enjoyable to watch your computer go up in smoke! lol!!

Another one I found (of course not all have this option), is spending time in a secluded nature spot, with something you find relaxing and enjoyable. At one time, for me, this was walking our 4 goats around our 5 acre property. It was secluded with lots of trees. The goats were friendly and playful, which made me laugh. I enjoyed walking with them, or sitting with them, being alone with my thoughts. They acted like a sort of buffer for me, in order to be as strong as I needed to be. I got a much-needed peaceful moment, and brain break. These days, I have to plan for such times. when I do, it’s usually a favorite campground that I can “day camp” in. For you, it could be anything…a bath, scented candles and a good (or not so good) book. I recommend keeping those times as positive as possible. Stay positive when going back to your regular routine. This is important! You will become stronger each day.  These rejuvenation times are to strengthen you and allow you to spoil yourself. When you finally have had enough for one day, you will feel rejuvenated. Yes, you deserve it! Yes, it’s OK to treat yourself to something wonderful. It doesn’t have to mean spending money, either. Nature provides much of what we need, as humans. Too bad we can’t “cue” the wildlife to show up when we want them to! 😀

Listening to music might be helpful for some…for me, it’s not a good idea. If I am already in an emotional/psychological tail spin, I CANNOT listen to music! I can feel each emotion in the notes, and when I am having a whirlwind day, the emotions in song become accentuated and concentrated. I need to have my “me” time, first.

If you are feeling as though you are in a whirlwind…THIS is the time to drop whatever you are doing, and get a brain break…even if only for a few minutes. PLAN to get away for a few hours in the very near future (if you are unable to just go), and KEEP THIS APPOINTMENT! You need time to just “be” for a while.

These are just a few things that have helped me through the years in dealing with my own memories. I’m having to relearn how to take this time, again. Living through an existence with a psychological vampire is HORRENDOUSLY draining. It leaves us drained and zapped of everything we REQUIRE to feel alive and not disjointed. I’ve heard our experiences described as “psychological/emotional rape”. Couldn’t be more accurate. We all need tools at our disposal which we can pull out at will, to help us regain some much-needed peace, confidence, and to finally feel in touch with ourselves.  Even for a short while, these tools (above) will allow us time to rekindle what we need at the time…whatever that might be. Each person will experience something different. Be sure you have someone to talk to during the writing process…for me, I was only able to write. I had no one else but God, and my pen. if you don’t feel safe talking to someone, PRAY! Above all, Don’t be afraid to cry.

I wish you all peace today.


Wow, is all I can say… Amazing how I can see my situation here.

Psychopathyawareness's Blog

* Note: This article is written by a friend who goes by the pseudonym “Peace”

During a relationship with a psychopath, we are likely to experience a range of emotions that we’ve never felt before: extreme jealousy, neediness, rage, anxiety, paranoia, etc. After the inevitable devalue and discard, many of us blame ourselves. If only I hadn’t been so jealous, then maybe he wouldn’t have left me… If only I hadn’t been so needy, then maybe he wouldn’t have left me… If only I hadn’t been so—

Stop.

Those were not your emotions. I repeat: those were not your emotions. They were carefully manufactured by the psychopath in order to make you question your good nature. Victims are often of the mentality that they can forgive, understand and absorb all of the problems in a relationship. Essentially, they checkmate themselves by constantly trying to rationalize the abuser’s completely irrational behavior.

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Tactics Murphy 25 May 2011


I found this on an article I found http://speakoutloud.net/category/psychological-abuse. I think it’s very useful and informative. I can relate to many of the tactics, and I thought it would be helpful to share it with you all.

 

Tactics Murphy 25 May 2011


Pocket Purpose Blog

Ever since the March/April issue of CFA Magazine published an article, The Financial Psychopath Next Door by Sherree DeCovny, everyone’s been talking about sociopaths and psychopaths in management.

[Update: On March 14, 2012, a Goldman Sachs executive director resigned after publishing a New York Times op-ed that said the firm’s culture is “toxic,” with managers openly talking about “ripping their clients off … sometimes over internal e-mail.”]

Charming, bright, dangerous, lying psychopaths

As DeCovny wrote: “These “financial psychopaths” generally lack empathy and interest in what other people feel or think. At the same time, they display an abundance of charm, charisma, intelligence, credentials, an unparalleled capacity for lying, fabrication, and manipulation, and a drive for thrill seeking.”

Seems she’s rung bells with a lot of people. One Wall Street therapist told her that although there’s an estimated 1 sociopath in 100 in the general population, he’d put it at four times…

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Exposing Online Predators & Cyberpaths


In reading about Psychopaths and their victim’s stories, I have come to the conclusion that, though my X monster IS a psychopath, he falls in a rarer (I think this to be the case, though I’m not certain) category of Psychopath. I have studied several profile types. One of the differences I have come across is that most psychopath/narcissists tend to lie spontaneously, without much for-thought or goal. They tend to be chronic liars. Mine, though he sometimes did lie without much for-thought (as it seemed)…the majority of the time it was with a predetermined purpose. He constantly schemes against people, or to further his own stories. It’s usually within the guise of a coverup, that he lies. The worst of these, was telling a fact about himself that, to a normal individual, would be shocking and a potential “deal breaker” in the scenario of a new relationship. At first he tried to show himself as a caring individual who didn’t want to hurt someone by withholding the truth.  What I learned later, is that he would never openly admit to ANYTHING that would make himself look bad…except to avoid detection in a more detrimental, bigger  scale. This one has me a little fearful.

He’s a patient schemer, who understands human reactions to general things and can manipulate others by exploiting their own human tendencies. Here’s one method he uses: If you want to be trusted (though you aren’t trustworthy), tell something about yourself, appearing to be for the protection or in the best interests of the other…then the listener (partner) won’t believe you are anything but a selfless caring individual, who CAN be trusted. The subjected person won’t listen or look for the “bigger” picture (Why would we? Afterall, he’s being completely honest about his worst, now…). We believe what we see…at first. Boy, did I learn my lesson there! I learned that he was dangerous at that point in time, though I really didn’t understand HOW dangerous until later on. He used this with great patience and skill. He’s good at his game.

It has been suggested that Psychopaths/narcissists/sociopaths don’t or can’t understand that what they are doing is wrong. That they believe their lies… I have come to believe through my experience, that the only lies they believe are the ones made up in their paranoid psyches. their delusions. The reason for their scheming and conniving…the reason for the “tit-for-tat” games, and stalking behavior.. Their pathological distrust of everyone around them. If mine didn’t know that what he was doing/causing was grossly WRONG, then why the need for such elaborate attempts at hiding the truth? Why would he need to manipulate everyone around him to believe an altered reality…an absolute LIE, at his choosing and implementation? Why would he take literally MONTHS to plan and scheme each move and manipulation, if he didn’t already know he was being sneaky and underhanded?? He knows what he’s doing, he knows it’s wrong, he knows the damage he’s inflicting and just doesn’t care! He thinks he’s entitled to inflict such damaging, because…after all… ultimately, no-one can be trusted…except himself. Kind of a bizarre twist, isn’t it? Calculatedly evil individual. I will never call him “human”.

Another tool he uses to gain access to whatever he needs to form his theories, which he defends at all costs, is search engines over the internet. He combs all avenues of the internet, searching for anything to prove his delusions are correct…that the reason for the distrust is viable. He thinks it, therefore it is…  I knew (after he told me) he searched for information about me, prior to asking me out. I thought at the time that it was to make sure I wasn’t some x-con or something. A legitimate reason. The thing I didn’t realize is it didn’t stop there. He continued unwaveringly. For everything he thought he found, which he twisted to “prove” his story. he expected answers. The truth wasn’t good enough. the fact that the information he found had nothing to do with him, and happened (or what-have-you) YEARS prior to meeting, wasn’t good enough. the badgering began, and continued. He stalked my family’s pages, friends, etc. looking for any information which could be manipulated for his abuse of me. It never stopped. I learned that this is considered being a Cyberpath. it isn’t limited to online relationships, but includes someone who obsessively searches every possible corner of cyber-space, in order to intimidate, frighten, control, or harm…etc… . He went so far as to try to convince me that he was very ignorant in his knowledge of the computer and the internet, in the beginning. Why? So I would trust that he couldn’t and wouldn’t stalk me in that way. This behavior only fueled other behaviors.

I suppose I’m writing this all, so you can understand that not all psychopaths fit inside a neatly formed mold. This one isn’t of the “norm”…at least of that which I have come to understand is the “norm”. For more information about Cyberpaths, I have included a link. Quite an interesting research topic. I didn’t know there was a name for this behavior, either. I have learned much more than I ever wanted to or thought there was need for. Without him, I wouldn’t have known an individual LIKE him, could have possibly existed.

I believe he came into our relationship as a scheme, in and of itself. I will never understand why his need to manipulate and con me from the absolute beginning. it’s as if this type of scenario is needed for him to fill some sort of gratification. One drops out, and he chooses another subject for the same scenario/game. I still don’t get it. It just doesn’t make sense. He didn’t want or need our relationship, or me as a real person…he needed to re-play the scenario for his own gratification. I was a pawn in his game. This type of thinking of his, is why i believe he’s capable of serial rape or even murderous tendencies.

Please use caution when trying to put this type of sick/twisted individual into a neatly packaged mold. You just might not come out of it…

Exposing Online Predators & Cyberpaths.

http://enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Cyberpath

Music…


 

Music has been a very strong and helpful friend, throughout my life. I realized at an early age, the tool I had at my disposal would be one that could express what I could not. It could be a song I heard on the radio or one I had running through my head that I could identify with.

We have emotions. There’s no doubt about that. The fallacy of the human language is it’s lacking description for most emotion we feel, Our language lists each emotion, categorically…and yet misses the boat more often than not. I remember times, growing up, when I would feel sad or “disjointed”. A song would come over the airways which would dig deep into my soul and I would get a sense of peace. As if God used that medium of entertainment to give me the most meaningful, deepest hug possible. I have always picked myself apart, in an attempt to understand the goings on inside of me. Introspection. There have been times that I couldn’t make sense of how I felt or calm the storm alone, though I fought hard…VERY hard. I started writing lyrics, and had a knack of picking up just about any instrument and play by ear. I did just that. What I couldn’t get from the radio, I made up myself.

With the knack for music, I recognized the gift I had at my disposal. I have never looked at my abilities as a gift (I’m not a perfect musician, nor do I fall under the category of “gifted” as society would understand it) or that I was “above” anyone. The gift is the music itself. Not my abilities. I have been proud and humbled on many occasion. I always sought to touch others…much like this blog…through singing and writing. If I lost the heart behind it, there would be no sense to continue going through the motions, so to speak. This is basically the other part of me, that someone can’t see. It’s linked to my heart and soul. If a person meets me, they meet that side of me, too. It’s amazing how some people see it as a threat, and not something “protecting” or swaddling for others. (strange to use that term, but it describes it best.) My monster-X tried to destroy that. The amazing thing, is in only a seconds time he just about did. Very skilled individual, in using someone’s insecurities against them, to manipulate them into being beat-down and timid…and easier to control. I wasn’t aware of this, really, until I was finally away from him.

I looked back at that day. He was doing what he always did when being manipulative and conning…he got me to talk about the subject he wanted to use at the time…this particular time it was my love for music. In order to talk about that, I have to open my heart and soul and lay myself bare, in a way. My greatest mistake here is I fell back into believing the monster was, at least partially, human. He had a great knack of proving me wrong…shockingly so. I described why I love music so much, and why I love to sing. Keep in mind that I was taking steps to pull away from him, to break the ties entirely. In taking the steps, he knew I was pulling away and he was losing control. He started to jab deep…areas he knew would hurt the most (psychologically). He started REALLY trying to convince me that I was “mentally unstable“, and the like. He said, “So…music is therapy to you…” then, “you can’t sing yourself back to mental health!”. I felt the cold steel from the monster, stab my soul at that instant. There he did it! He not only cheapened the value of music for me, but took a chunk of my self-confidence with it. He was trying everything he could think of, to get me in a place that I would be more receptive to his brainwashing, and turn me into a victim of “Stockholm Syndrome“.

I tend to Introspect and analyze the situation entirely when my nervous system begins to scream. I understood what I was seeing and experiencing from him. I realize that most aren’t that intuitive. With me, it’s not intuition, but more of an ability to “step outside the forest, to see the trees”. I can mentally and emotionally put myself in a place outside the circumstance to gain a better understanding of the situation, as if I’m witnessing someone else’s life. Amazing how I have that learned ability, and yet he was still able to damage me. He’s good at what he does.

I wasn’t aware his attempts, pertaining to the meaning I have with music, until I auditioned for a singing contest. I didn’t make it to the finals, because I had no confidence…AND IT SHOWED! My voice wasn’t strong…I sounded like a little child, trying to sing. It was a wake-up call. I have always had confidence in this area, and it was GONE! I began to remember everything said on that day. I only realized then, what he did.. and with intent. I knew he was trying to convince me that I was “unstable”. that part was obvious. I didn’t know that he SUCCEEDED in destroying my faith in music…and my part in the world (a small world). He only succeeded for a short time. I am still battling the confidence in that area, but I absolutely REFUSE to give that one to him! I said to my friend, “He can’t have that one.”

Another contest is going on. I’ve entered again, but this time to prove something to myself…and have it be a final “In your FACE” gesture to him. A final “F-you!” (please pardon the profanity). Heading out tonight after work, to see what the line-up is. though I need the money, it isn’t really to win this time. It’s to reaffirm an area inside of me that is my greatest friend!

He’s taken other areas from me, that I had confidence in. One I fear is completely gone. One step at a time…Alanis Morrisette sings one that I can relate to…”Not as We“. You can find it in my links. I can’t seem to upload the song from my computer. Sorry about that. One step at a time…one battle at a time. Breathe in, Breathe out. It’s my mantra these days 😀