As I have mentioned before, each stage I have experienced since escaping the psychological hold of my X-monster has presented itself without warning, and completely absent of any mercy. I begin experiencing something new and generally I can recognize where it’s stemming from…but apparently, not always.
In order to explain this, I have to go back a few steps…back to the final ‘finale’. This process took a couple of months to see to fruition. I broke ties with him, though I recognize this isn’t the normal recognized pattern of Narcissist/Psychopath/Sociopath and the partner…whether they be male or female. Generally the victim is grasping at straws, trying to find some way…ANY way to make their partner happy. By the end of their hell on Earth, their abuser usually dumps THEM without warning or remorse. In my case I recognized the abuse. I recognized what he was causing inside of me because of his incessant attacks at my dignity and belittling attempts, and I began to take steps to get AWAY from him. Since I was so emotionally (by this I mean by way of fear, being what I call a ‘jelly-fish‘, and missing any sort of sense of self-worth by that point) tied to him, it had to be done skillfully and planned. I had lost almost all of my natural ability to stand up for myself, though I tried (I learned later that I couldn’t win) to make him see the error of his ways. I had to find another way to get away from this ever-deepening trap he had me held in. I was emotionally and psychologically trapped for over a year. I was afraid for my job. He threatened me, unwaveringly, as it either pertained to my job directly, or the punishment I would endure if I talked about him or our relationship in any way. He said “I’ll know”… he used fear tactics, and keeping me teetering emotionally, in order to keep me silent. It was a skillfully thought out plan on his part. He knew my weaknesses after all.
What I did have in my arsenal was a family at home. I didn’t live with him, though I spent enough time at his house (in order to keep him “happy”, and try to avoid the attacks) that it could have had the same type of effect. I had my own home, in which were waiting my daughter and granddaughter. They were living with me, trying to get on their feet. I was so engrossed in my own hell, I wasn’t there for them or myself. I used them as an excuse to spend less time with him. My granddaughter has some major health problems which cause her difficulty in breathing at times. I would express my worry and tell him “I have to be there in case she has to go to the hospital!”. He pretended to understand. I at the same time, expressed to him my need to spend time away from him. He agreed to leave me alone and give me my space to think. Instead of leaving me alone, he showed up at MY house every day (and almost as many nights) for 2 weeks. I didn’t have the guts to tell him no. At the same time he would say, “If you need time to think, I’ll give you that time.” But as fact would have it, he refused to do that. He used that time as a ‘fact finding’ mission, and used whatever he could to attack me and my dignity, as was commonplace. I realize this is disjointed. Please bear with me. I refused to be intimate with him. I had other reasons for this, but I told him I wanted to distance myself in order to have the chance to feel close to him again. I lied. My real reason was in the separation. I needed to separate myself emotionally (fear, intimidation included). I realized it was a process I had to take. Otherwise, if I had failed to do so, I would absolutely NEVER recover from his onslaught of torturous behavior.
When I realized he wasn’t willing to comply with my requests, I began looking for obvious signs of his abusive nature, and the abuse itself (they were very obvious to me from the beginning. I pointedly watched and listened for them, making note so I wouldn’t miss a thing). I began to call him on EVERYTHING! All the way down to the double-standards he tried to hold me to…but he was above his same judgment. Keep in mind, the only information he had to seemingly (to him) support his suspicions, was whatever he found over the internet via search engines, (spokeo, pipl, peoplefinders, etc.) which revealed that I had been married more than once, and I had a social networking site, which I told him about prior. I caught him in one particular outright lie, at one point. I am the daughter of a Border Patrol agent. My brother is a police officer (now detective) and I have a couple of friends in the legal field. I used knowledge I gained from them to support my findings. That, and knowing his normal reactions to certain subjects and situations, which in this case he failed miserably. yep, I called him on that one too. I went from that to outright picking fights. It had to be done.
With each step I took, I was able to see more clearly. I was able to hold him in complete disdain (though I was entirely confused by this point). I was tired of being afraid and anxious all the time, and I was ready for a fight…ok, as ready as I could be. I wouldn’t be disappointed. As was the standard, I still couldn’t predict what he would pull out of his hat. I couldn’t predict his manipulations being poured out against me, exponentially. I couldn’t predict the new threats and attempts to change my way of thinking. I couldn’t predict what he could do from that point. That was the standard when it pertained to our relationship from the beginning. He was completely unpredictable.
He tried to convince me even more strongly that I was mentally “unstable”, and that he was, as he said, “…the only one who ever helped you THROUGH this!” …yadda yadda yadda… He faked tears, too. He tried to convince me that in my decision to not be intimate with him, I was actually hurting myself. He continued on. I kept him at ear’s length, while trying hard to tune him out. However, I WAS aware of what he was saying to me. I can’t remember the last thing, but to that one I told him, “I think I’m gonna say good night, now”. I said it calmly, and directed. He absolutely FLIPPED! He called me delusional, among other things, YELLING all the way to his car. It didn’t end there. He continued on later in emails, calling me (blowing up both my home phone and cell phone, intermittently) every minute. I would not answer. During all of this, I still had the natural assumption that he had at least SOME human characteristics. Again, he proved me wrong in everything. I still tried to maintain some sort of working relationship with him, in order to ‘protect’ my job.
Soon after, I caught him directly in a manipulation attempt…a con-game, in which I was the subject. He had expressed his undying love for me only the previous day. He believed that during the first “break up”, I had gone out with another co-worker. Though I told him that never happened, he didn’t believe me. He was determined to find out the truth. He started talking to me about this particular co-worker, and asking questions out of the blue…trying to get me to say something negative about something the other guy supposedly said (This was MONTHS after the first attempted breakup). “I’m surprised you don’t have something to say about ‘that’ one…” to which I responded “Well, if it’s true, then it’s not right…but I don’t believe he would ever say or do anything like that.” Prior to this, my X expressed his hatred of that man. Within the next couple of days, I saw they just became friends on facebook. That made me feel uneasy, so I decided to talk to him about it. It appeared that he was trying to set me up. I reminded him of what he personally told me regarding his hatred of that other man. He quickly (again) told me I was a liar, I was making it up, I was delusional, etc… I found out then that I was right, and I THEN saw that he had no boundaries, no natural limits, and is capable of ANYTHING. He attacked me with his full arsenal. I learned that same day that he was still (though he expressed in the 4 page email 5 months prior, that he was sorry for doing this) scoping out my neighborhood at 2 and 3 am. He never stopped. My neighbors saw him. I then went to my manager, and filed an emergency restraining order with the District Court, which was in effect as soon as it was signed. There were a couple futile attempts on his part to contact me again…I called the police… this was the end of that…
It was finally OVER! I could be at peace (though only to a small degree) while in my own home. This started the phases I would go through, and am continuing to go through…
The first one, what I call panic attacks…uncontrollable trembling and crying, hysterically. I was unable to think. I couldn’t stop pacing. I couldn’t sleep. I called my friend during these times. The dear woman didn’t get much sleep during this. It finally subsided after almost 2 weeks of being hit with it morning, noon, and night. Having to go to work to support my job, believe it or not, definitely helped during this time. I had to force myself out of my house, but I stayed functional-ish.
Then there were the different facets of fear I would experience, later. (These continue, without warning of the next onset)
A few phases I have experienced, I haven’ t been able to find my way out of. I am still alienated from my friends. I date other men, but have a fear of ANY closeness. As soon as they want to take our time together to the next level of affection…I run the other way, never to be heard from again. I’m afraid of a relationship. this in itself is a phase, though I don’t know what to call it. I can’t say no to going out with a male friend, or someone new I’ve met. I feel like I have to, to keep from offending them. Sick huh? I can’t seem to tell them what I need or don’t want. I just disappear.
Tonight revealed another stage…I was taking everything male customers said to me, offensively. I was snappy even to seasoned customers who I had developed a report with. This is COMPLETELY unlike me! It was uncontrollable.
I’m still in the beginning stages of healing. I realize that it’s an ever-going process, which will be unbearable at times. I am a prisoner to introspection, so I am more aware than a lot of people as to the goings on inside. This only helps me to recognize what I am experiencing. It just doesn’t help me past it.
I am expressing this today, to maybe help you to recognize stages you might be going through, too. You aren’t crazy. You are going through a healing process, too. Your’s might be different, as we all respond differently to stress and abuse. Thanks for bearing with me through this long entry. I use this blog to think through things, too. I want to be sure that others can read what I’m going through, as no one deserves to feel alone. Thanks to you that I have met here, i don’t feel so alone. We are experiencing much the same things. Thank you!
Again, I want to wish you and I both…PEACE!