As promised, quite some time ago…Who is the “You”, you remember?

I think it would be a good thing, today, to reaffirm who we “know” ourselves to be. The narcissists, psychopaths, ASPD individuals made great strides to rip our identities from us. He/she has dented our self-confidence, self esteem, and the very make-up that makes us content in life. I’m trying to put feelings into words, here, going solely from how I am left to think and feel. It’s truly difficult to see straight lines through the mire of confusion, left within.

Part of what has helped me, is reading EVERYTHING about the person (predator). I first, researched everything…beginning from picking out the areas of concern, when they showed themselves. Extreme paranoia..that lead me to finding the definition of Paranoid Personality Disorder. That was some, but not everything. Then I found information about Narcissism…NAILED IT! But not fully…still more…My friend thought he was sociopathic, so I looked that one up…CLOSE, but not quite. PSYCHOPATHY!!! There are some minute differences between this and my X (but not in the disorder..only the examples of  scenarios were different (slightly). Most, lead you to believe for a long time that they are your “soul-mate”. Mine did too, for a time…but AT THE SAME TIME wasted NO time finding my weaknesses and exploiting them. He wasted no time putting me off-balance and on edge. In my case, it was the times he was sweet and caring, that made me think I was mistaken..and put me into “patient and understanding” mode. This lead to the final act of separating myself from him…I started calling him on his lies and inconsistencies. Boy, did THAT cause a whirl-wind of panic within him!!! He turned up the manipulative attempts, and reprogramming… I went to the courthouse, here, and obtained public copies of his records. There it was…Written evidence from 20 years prior, that he had done the same behavior to his x-wife!!!! She wrote and signed a statement about his behavior. This became useful in court, later.

The next phase was researching everything that I had become, because of him..which lead me to writing, and finding others who had been through the same thing. This last phase has been the biggest help! I found videos of the disorder, “I, Psychopath” is one I really do recommend. Any videos by Sam Vaknin on youtube are helpful as well. If you choose to watch these videos, keep in mind that the man IS a CLINICALLY DIAGNOSED psychopath/narcissist! I would suggest limiting the input you receive, because of the individual he is. Still, there are useful informational videos about abuse types, and Psychopathy victims. Its reaffirming to see what you have been through, in other sources. It’s also quite vindicating. Imagining yourself being vindictive toward him, is (twistedly) empowering. Don’t follow through with your day-dreams! lol!! There are still laws, ya know 🙂 It’s still fun to think about. I dream of taking every card he bought for me, cutting them up into little pieces and super-gluing them to the windshield of his car. Fun thought!

During all of the purging and researching, I haven’t lost sight of who I know myself to be, completely. Squirley, intelligent, bubbly, caring, me! I’m in here, somewhere…

Who is the real you? This is a time to strengthen yourself, by reaffirming what you know to be true. Good things and bad. It’s also the time to re-define ourselves. We are a rough new slate, that needs polishing again. We choose what to keep, from here. I am reminded of the 6-million dollar man … “we will make him(her) stronger, more powerful than before”. This should be our daily mantra.

Feel free to comment. I believe this one is important for all of us! I have a dr’s appointment to be at, shortly, but I will be including something in the comments as well.

Have a wonderful day, y’all!

Peace 😀

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