ok, here’s your chance to reaffirm who YOU are.

Since my X, everything I am has been really shattered. My confidence, self-esteem, thought processes…everything. Daily, I force myself to remember who I was before he came into my life. I was bubbly…almost irritatingly so. Since I was born without much of a social filter, this alone can be unpredictable. Most anything can be funny, and I’ll use it (whatever “it” is), to at least bring a smile to my face. I work with customers on a daily basis…poor people! I sometimes see them as a “captive” audience. If something catches me as funny, I’ll say something to my poor customers. Most times they join in the jocular episode, and we all have a great laugh. I’m still able to find a LOT of humor in life. Sometimes I can be quite the smart-alek. That’s the fun side of me, which also gives me a lot of my fun in my life.

I was too trusting of people. I believed everyone was primarily good, with good tendencies and wouldn’t intentionally hurt others. I knew some really liked to hurt others, but I believed they ALL were acting out of some past hurt, themselves. I felt sorry for them, and tried to be a friend that they could talk to. This part has most definitely changed within the past year. I will never trust like that again. This is good and bad. Bad because I have taken on some of “his” mindset…almost to the point of being paranoid myself.

I have always had an obnoxious conscience. by that, I mean that if I did anything accidentally or intentionally that could have been hurtful, it’ll eat me up inside for days. I have never intentionally hurt anyone, but sometimes I make decisions that I don’t think through, which hurt someone else’s feelings. I try to make amends when this happens. Sometimes there’s nothing I can do to “fix” it, and have to be ok with the outcome. I feel horrible about myself as a person, but not forever.

I have always been a thinker. I analyze everything around me. People’s tendencies and why people act or think the way they do. I have always tried to “understand” everything…but mostly as it pertains to myself.

I’ve always been considerate of others. when I smoked, I wouldn’t just pull out a cigarette around someone until I asked if it would be offensive. When given the ok, I would still try to be considerate and do everything to keep from being obnoxious with it. This also applies to when I was driving with someone else in my car. I would refrain from smoking with another passenger, especially if I knew they didn’t smoke.

I guess what I have noticed the most about what is “gone”, is feeling like I can be myself around people. I suspect this will change with time. I work for the same company as my psychopathic X, and many people I work with are his “friends”. Since the psychopath really has no friends (they have only tools), I guess they THINK he is their friend. I see everyone around me as a potential threat, in that they can divulge information to him that he can try to use against me. Keep in mind, he’ll use ANYTHING…any information… that he can twist for his own gain. His favorite game to play against people is “tit-for-tat”, and is HIGHLY retaliatory. The best thing I could have done is take everything that was once a “secret” and make it highly visible. I went to management, and people around work that I trusted. I pleaded with them to not talk about me at all to him, or his acquaintances. I also told them how much I fear him. He spent our entire relationship, testing me for reactions to certain things, and tormented me in the mean-time. I’ll be quite surprised if he doesn’t become a serial killer sometime in his life. He’s that twisted.

What I want is to be myself again, without fear of any kind.

Now it’s your turn. What did you like about yourself? What do you like now? What would you like to see from here? Feel free to be open. It’s a wonderful blessing to have friends that have been through the same thing. We can relate to eachother. That, to me, is a wonderful blessing.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “

  1. Tough questions to answer. I didn’t like myself, growing up, and there’s a lot I like about myself now. I look forward to becoming healthier.

    This caught my attention: “What I want is to be myself again, without fear of any kind.”

    I don’t think I was ever allowed to truly be myself, so I’m going about learning who I am now.

    1. Heres something I think is pretty cool. The things that make us “uniquely” us, include the parts we don’t like. The great thing about that and where we are now, because of a Narcissist or Psychopath (including any abuser), is we NOW have the ability to redefine who we are. We can erase that which we don’t like, or chose to keep it, to be an individual. Even though we are left feeling that we are zapped of all our strength, we are being drawn to rebuild that strength. We have different avenues and views that weren’t visible before. That in itself is exciting! I wish we had a “user’s manual” at our disposal.

  2. The experience of dating someone narcissistic has really changed my mindset and to tell you the truth not in a great way. I don’t trust anyone anymore, except my closest friends. I always expect everytime i explain something I have to be really detailed about experiences in it, forgetting that other people have empathy and can see your pain, rather than really knowing I have to justify it over and over and still get nothin from them. I also have kind of lost hope that there will be a time when I am in a happy normal relationship that isnt that isolating and hard, which is quite sad considering I just turned 23.

    but on the upside, I have been humbled by friends and family who have supported me and picked me up again.

    1. It amazes me how I can relate to much of what you wrote, here….ok, EVERYTHING you wrote here! This is exactly where a lot of my issues are. I have a friend who has been through some of what I have but with her experience, she dealt with a sociopathic father. She has been my main sounding board, but only because she’s my safety-net of sorts. Not because I have found someone that can truly relate. She’s all I have. She loves me for me (sounds like I am Lesbian…I’m actually a “me”bian lol! Fully straight…), and can kick the dingle-berries off of any abuser 🙂

      Thanks for mentioning about the fact that others have empathy and can see our pain, too. The ones that know me (unfortunately the ones at work were never really given a chance..I was so scared to say anything to anyone, because of my X).can tell what I have said is 100% TRUE.

      Right now, relationships scare me too. Give it time, Colee! You are a young, beautiful heart… you learned a lesson in life, that it took 40 years to learn for me. You have time to heal and pick up a new life. It seems you and I are in the same phase in healing. Keep on keeping on! Keep your feet moving, and your heart singing…

  3. Since leaving my narcissistic, sociopathic ex, I can be silly again. I can write my blog again. I can be friends with people in need again. I can take my time getting home. I can go an entire evening without wishing I hate a glass (or two or three) of wine to drink. I can feed my son soup for dinner if that’s all I’m in the mood to fix (and my son loves soup). I can read whenever and where ever I want without worrying that someone’s going to accuse me of ignoring him. I can go to yoga every day. I can pick up my phone and talk to my family without someone listening to make sure it’s really my family i am talking. I can forget details about my day without being accused of lying. I can have private thoughts. I can plan my future. I can be simple. Just me. 🙂

    1. I can relate to your response, too! This is where my giddiness comes from these days. i’m LOVING the peace and freedom! No-one listening to my day, and turning it into something awful. I would mention talking to a male customer and being able to laugh with him, and my X responding with, “He just wants in your pants…”, or talking to a co-worker and hearing him be angry and accusing, “Did you say anything about us?” or “he just wants in your pants” and turning it into a grilling session…a game of 20 questions that I would lose, though I was innocent.

      It’s nice to have my past be my past, without someone accusing me or making me pay for what he THOUGHT was fact…(he’s a cyberpath ~ http://enpsychopedia.org/index.php/Cyberpath ) search everything over the internet about me and twist it into his own theory and game…then make me pay for it.

      What you wrote, here, is what gives me the power to move my feet (I say that a lot…it guards against defeat…no pun intended :D). The knowledge of freedom gives us power to heal. I LOVE what you wrote, here!!…”I can have private thoughts. I can plan my future. I can be simple. Just me.”… Thanks 😀

  4. I wanted to thank you all for being so open. Isn’t it empowering to reaffirm all the good things coming out of your experience with Hell? Every day gets better. We become stronger and healthier with each day that our N,P,S or ASPD predator is out of our life.

    A request from me to you…if you are the praying type, please pray. This coming week, I will be taking over for a girl going on vacation. This means i might be required to go to my X’s store as part of the expectations of my job. My psychopathic X is a monster. I’m still very afraid of him. The restraining order I requested last summer didn’t come through, so as far as my job is concerned “it didn’t happen”. I will refuse to go to that store. My job could be in jeopardy because of that refusal. If my boss threatens my job, I’ll just tell him, “if this makes me lose my job as a result, then I’ll lose my job…” I won’t go there! I can’t go there!

    Thank you, guys 😀

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s