ok, here’s your chance to reaffirm who YOU are.
Since my X, everything I am has been really shattered. My confidence, self-esteem, thought processes…everything. Daily, I force myself to remember who I was before he came into my life. I was bubbly…almost irritatingly so. Since I was born without much of a social filter, this alone can be unpredictable. Most anything can be funny, and I’ll use it (whatever “it” is), to at least bring a smile to my face. I work with customers on a daily basis…poor people! I sometimes see them as a “captive” audience. If something catches me as funny, I’ll say something to my poor customers. Most times they join in the jocular episode, and we all have a great laugh. I’m still able to find a LOT of humor in life. Sometimes I can be quite the smart-alek. That’s the fun side of me, which also gives me a lot of my fun in my life.
I was too trusting of people. I believed everyone was primarily good, with good tendencies and wouldn’t intentionally hurt others. I knew some really liked to hurt others, but I believed they ALL were acting out of some past hurt, themselves. I felt sorry for them, and tried to be a friend that they could talk to. This part has most definitely changed within the past year. I will never trust like that again. This is good and bad. Bad because I have taken on some of “his” mindset…almost to the point of being paranoid myself.
I have always had an obnoxious conscience. by that, I mean that if I did anything accidentally or intentionally that could have been hurtful, it’ll eat me up inside for days. I have never intentionally hurt anyone, but sometimes I make decisions that I don’t think through, which hurt someone else’s feelings. I try to make amends when this happens. Sometimes there’s nothing I can do to “fix” it, and have to be ok with the outcome. I feel horrible about myself as a person, but not forever.
I have always been a thinker. I analyze everything around me. People’s tendencies and why people act or think the way they do. I have always tried to “understand” everything…but mostly as it pertains to myself.
I’ve always been considerate of others. when I smoked, I wouldn’t just pull out a cigarette around someone until I asked if it would be offensive. When given the ok, I would still try to be considerate and do everything to keep from being obnoxious with it. This also applies to when I was driving with someone else in my car. I would refrain from smoking with another passenger, especially if I knew they didn’t smoke.
I guess what I have noticed the most about what is “gone”, is feeling like I can be myself around people. I suspect this will change with time. I work for the same company as my psychopathic X, and many people I work with are his “friends”. Since the psychopath really has no friends (they have only tools), I guess they THINK he is their friend. I see everyone around me as a potential threat, in that they can divulge information to him that he can try to use against me. Keep in mind, he’ll use ANYTHING…any information… that he can twist for his own gain. His favorite game to play against people is “tit-for-tat”, and is HIGHLY retaliatory. The best thing I could have done is take everything that was once a “secret” and make it highly visible. I went to management, and people around work that I trusted. I pleaded with them to not talk about me at all to him, or his acquaintances. I also told them how much I fear him. He spent our entire relationship, testing me for reactions to certain things, and tormented me in the mean-time. I’ll be quite surprised if he doesn’t become a serial killer sometime in his life. He’s that twisted.
What I want is to be myself again, without fear of any kind.
Now it’s your turn. What did you like about yourself? What do you like now? What would you like to see from here? Feel free to be open. It’s a wonderful blessing to have friends that have been through the same thing. We can relate to eachother. That, to me, is a wonderful blessing.