Music has been a very strong and helpful friend, throughout my life. I realized at an early age, the tool I had at my disposal would be one that could express what I could not. It could be a song I heard on the radio or one I had running through my head that I could identify with.

We have emotions. There’s no doubt about that. The fallacy of the human language is it’s lacking description for most emotion we feel, Our language lists each emotion, categorically…and yet misses the boat more often than not. I remember times, growing up, when I would feel sad or “disjointed”. A song would come over the airways which would dig deep into my soul and I would get a sense of peace. As if God used that medium of entertainment to give me the most meaningful, deepest hug possible. I have always picked myself apart, in an attempt to understand the goings on inside of me. Introspection. There have been times that I couldn’t make sense of how I felt or calm the storm alone, though I fought hard…VERY hard. I started writing lyrics, and had a knack of picking up just about any instrument and play by ear. I did just that. What I couldn’t get from the radio, I made up myself.

With the knack for music, I recognized the gift I had at my disposal. I have never looked at my abilities as a gift (I’m not a perfect musician, nor do I fall under the category of “gifted” as society would understand it) or that I was “above” anyone. The gift is the music itself. Not my abilities. I have been proud and humbled on many occasion. I always sought to touch others…much like this blog…through singing and writing. If I lost the heart behind it, there would be no sense to continue going through the motions, so to speak. This is basically the other part of me, that someone can’t see. It’s linked to my heart and soul. If a person meets me, they meet that side of me, too. It’s amazing how some people see it as a threat, and not something “protecting” or swaddling for others. (strange to use that term, but it describes it best.) My monster-X tried to destroy that. The amazing thing, is in only a seconds time he just about did. Very skilled individual, in using someone’s insecurities against them, to manipulate them into being beat-down and timid…and easier to control. I wasn’t aware of this, really, until I was finally away from him.

I looked back at that day. He was doing what he always did when being manipulative and conning…he got me to talk about the subject he wanted to use at the time…this particular time it was my love for music. In order to talk about that, I have to open my heart and soul and lay myself bare, in a way. My greatest mistake here is I fell back into believing the monster was, at least partially, human. He had a great knack of proving me wrong…shockingly so. I described why I love music so much, and why I love to sing. Keep in mind that I was taking steps to pull away from him, to break the ties entirely. In taking the steps, he knew I was pulling away and he was losing control. He started to jab deep…areas he knew would hurt the most (psychologically). He started REALLY trying to convince me that I was “mentally unstable“, and the like. He said, “So…music is therapy to you…” then, “you can’t sing yourself back to mental health!”. I felt the cold steel from the monster, stab my soul at that instant. There he did it! He not only cheapened the value of music for me, but took a chunk of my self-confidence with it. He was trying everything he could think of, to get me in a place that I would be more receptive to his brainwashing, and turn me into a victim of “Stockholm Syndrome“.

I tend to Introspect and analyze the situation entirely when my nervous system begins to scream. I understood what I was seeing and experiencing from him. I realize that most aren’t that intuitive. With me, it’s not intuition, but more of an ability to “step outside the forest, to see the trees”. I can mentally and emotionally put myself in a place outside the circumstance to gain a better understanding of the situation, as if I’m witnessing someone else’s life. Amazing how I have that learned ability, and yet he was still able to damage me. He’s good at what he does.

I wasn’t aware his attempts, pertaining to the meaning I have with music, until I auditioned for a singing contest. I didn’t make it to the finals, because I had no confidence…AND IT SHOWED! My voice wasn’t strong…I sounded like a little child, trying to sing. It was a wake-up call. I have always had confidence in this area, and it was GONE! I began to remember everything said on that day. I only realized then, what he did.. and with intent. I knew he was trying to convince me that I was “unstable”. that part was obvious. I didn’t know that he SUCCEEDED in destroying my faith in music…and my part in the world (a small world). He only succeeded for a short time. I am still battling the confidence in that area, but I absolutely REFUSE to give that one to him! I said to my friend, “He can’t have that one.”

Another contest is going on. I’ve entered again, but this time to prove something to myself…and have it be a final “In your FACE” gesture to him. A final “F-you!” (please pardon the profanity). Heading out tonight after work, to see what the line-up is. though I need the money, it isn’t really to win this time. It’s to reaffirm an area inside of me that is my greatest friend!

He’s taken other areas from me, that I had confidence in. One I fear is completely gone. One step at a time…Alanis Morrisette sings one that I can relate to…”Not as We“. You can find it in my links. I can’t seem to upload the song from my computer. Sorry about that. One step at a time…one battle at a time. Breathe in, Breathe out. It’s my mantra these days 😀




3 thoughts on “Music…

    1. Part of me wishes he would be there. I really don’t think it would be a good idea, though. i can’t even look at him without reliving everything. Would it be empowering for me? In my imagination…yes. In reality? Doubtful.

  1. Pingback: introspection, courage, and shame « JRFibonacci's blog: partnering with reality

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