Dreaming up scenarios…


Lykke Li 4

I mentioned earlier in my blog that I have decided to compete in a singing contest…well, finals are this coming Thursday night. I’ve chosen 2 songs that I know and can do well (ok, in my sleep). As I’m sure I’ve become “famous” for… “let’s back up”… to the night of the semi-finals…

I kept this contest kind of “hush-hush” from people at work. I didn’t want the monster to show up out of spite. (he would). I still wanted to keep it under wraps, but I had to ask the assistant manager for help, so I could get out asap. The assistant manager that I closed with that same night, fixed it so I could get off work a little early, and be on time for the contest. When I made it to the finals, I wanted him to know so he knew that his efforts paid off..even just a little bit. Next thing I knew, EVERYONE at work was congratulating me for making it that far! The manager who opened the store the next morning heard about it from the first one. He asked if I wondered why everyone was congratulating me. I said “yeah, why is that?” He said he went around the store, including the corporate offices, and asked them to. He said, “I know what it’s like to do something that makes you proud, and the only congratulations you get are coming back from the mirror”. So sweet! However, very nerve wracking! By the end of the day, everyone…and I do mean EVERYONE knew about it…every store in the area…including my X.

Finals are coming up. I’m confident in my song choices. There are a few people coming from my own store, to see the performances, and to root me on (it’s a have-to kind of thing, and maybe based in a little curiosity). I’m nervous about that since I’ve never sang in front of any of them before. I feel like I have to prove myself to them, still. Silly.

The closer the competition gets, the more scenarios are running through my head. They are not real. I realize this. They are nothing but dreamed up from the deepest recesses of my psyche. My fear of the beast. The common thread? “How will I handle things”?

The first scenario.

I get off work a little later than I wanted to and show up at the contest, a little disheveled, disorganized, and nervous. I walk into the area where they are holding the contest and see the other 6 contestants…and a monster, sitting with everyone else from work. I’m instantly angry…just before I’m called up to perform.

I take the cordless microphone from the host of the competition and glare at the beast, sitting there with a snide smirk…staring me down…trying to shake me… I then point him out to the staff and tell them “I deserve to have him watch me and smear all of this in his face, but HE doesn’t deserve to be here watching ME…please escort him out”. 1) the bouncers remove his evil hide from the room, with him yelling all the way out the door. Or: 2) The bouncers (or staff members) don’t see any need, and allow him to stay anyway…while he REALLY tries to shake me to my core, glaring at me the entire time… (I have enough trouble with stage fright)

The second scenario..

I show up on time (by whichever or whomever’s good graces) due to getting out of work early. I’m able to relax with my friends and people from work for a while. A little while later, I look over toward the entrance and see my X walk in with his girlfriend… I’m 1) confident and empowered by his presence…not because of any good he’s ever done, but because I finally get to give him the final “fuck you” to his face. I sing the songs I know so well, with more power and emotion than ever, and there-by completing my purpose for choosing to compete in this one again. Or: 2) I’m instantly shaken, unable to overcome my immediate anxiety. My singing is (again) weak like a child’s, and he’ll be able to rub THIS in my face…however indirectly…as is his M.O. of late. I’ll have to concentrate on the faces of my friends and family’s so as to avoid his piercing gaze. One of the scoring factors is stage presence. If I’m unable to engage the rest of the audience, this score will be a very low one. I’m in this to do my absolute best. Not to do a repeat of the last attempt.

His favorite game is “tit-for-tat”. He’s highly retaliatory and ruthless in his attempts. His greatest goal right now, as it concerns his hatred of me is to hurt me in whatever way he can. Knowing him, he knows my love for music. He knows how it’s been my driving strength throughout my life. He knows he scarred it before… He might attempt to do this again, out of spite.

I can hear my own advice to others echoing in my mind… “9 times out of 10, we worry about things that haven’t happened yet”…”We expend much-needed energy on ‘what-ifs’ and ‘maybe’s’…” Yep, I hear it loud and clear, but still…I know him. He (much to my detriment) knows me too…my greatest weaknesses…my fear that I’ve been battling since running from him almost a year ago. I can’t help but wonder how I will handle it. I don’t want to fall back into the jelly-fish that I hate so much. I don’t want to give him ANY strength over me. I’m just not over anything completely, and my strength, though is definitely better, it’s still shaken easily. Scared? Yea…very. Scared of singing? Not at ALL! Stage fright is there, but so is confidence. I shake like a leaf, but can still sing.

One of the songs I’ve chosen is one that my dad requested for his funeral. It was an honor…what an understatement. No one knew he would die. He and my Mom just so happened to discuss his wishes, 2 weeks prior to his death. The timing was really strange. As if there was someone setting things into motion. He told my mom that he wanted a song that I sang on CD…one that they paid for, for me to do. He didn’t like the original artist’s rendition…only mine. And that’s the one he wanted for his funeral. It’s also the one I’m doing for finals. It’s taken me 2 years to be able to sing it again, without completely losing it. My mom will be at the contest, too. This will be the first time she’s heard it since my dad’s funeral. It needs to be perfect, for the both of us. For my Dad.

I can’t allow a psychopath/vampire/predator to take this one. He’s the one who’s dead inside. Not me. Peace and strength need to be my guiding force during the competition, no matter WHAT happens or WHO is there. I just have to find a way to allow it to be.

“Breathe in…Breathe out…”

Hmmm.. It’s not by accident that I found this story about wonderful Malaki Paul (Britains’ Got Talent 2012). Listen to him struggle at first…then come back with such a strength! Listen to his song… Very encouraging. 😀 Absolutely wonderful talent in this young boy!!

Brainwashing and Battering Fatigue: Psychological Abuse in Domestic Violence


.Paula, I cannot express how grateful I am for the whole article, of which I represented the ‘abstract’ version in my previous post.

It’s vindicating to see your life in others’ publications, but hard. Very DIFFICULT. I can’t express this. I’m dumbfounded. This is my ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP with my X monster, all the way down to the descriptions of seeing things through a cloud (the article describes this as seeing things as a blur). It’s amazing that the way I chose to separate myself from him, emotionally is also addressed in this article. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read this!! Click on the link below..

I might print this for my HR manager.

http://www.familytx.org/research/Psy%20Abuse.pdf

Brainwashing and battering fatigue. Psycho… [N C Med J. 2000 Sep-Oct] – PubMed – NCBI


I, too, was thinking that the only way out was suicide. I went so far as to start planning. I saw no way out at the time…but then something changed. I looked at other options and angles. I didn’t know which direction was the right one, so I just ‘moved’ my feet. The rest is history, as they say.

At the end of my relationship with the monster, I recognized, in his panic, his attempts at quickly trying to get me to accept a new line of thinking. He failed in this. I already recognized the need to run away from him. These attempts only solidified my fear of him, more.

I recognized the final stage of brainwashing, coming out of his mouth. He didn’t count on the fact that I had already taken steps to separate myself from him, emotionally. He didn’t count on me running away from him before he had the chance to finalize my new “brain”. He didn’t count on losing. F*** him.

This perfectly describes this, as well as the tactics that were used against me, and many of YOU who are in this with me. Recognize anything?

 

Brainwashing and battering fatigue. Psycho… [N C Med J. 2000 Sep-Oct] – PubMed – NCBI.

Page 2… removal of the shroud…


I beat everything around in my head…everything about what I had learned and been made aware of. I thought, stewed, contemplated, schemed, had night-mares (yep, those too) and thought some more about what to do about the con-game my X had finally implemented.

One thing was for sure, I ABSOLUTELY HAD to deal with it. It couldn’t just be swept under the carpet. If I had confronted the woman I work with, I would have definitely been viewed as a trouble maker at work. This would have confirmed (seemingly) the lies my X is spreading.

Nope, couldn’t go “there”. But, he couldn’t be allowed to get away with it either.

I thought about setting her up in a way to cause her fear that she and the lies she is propagating, had been realized, and in turn cause her to be concerned about getting into trouble from management. There again, I would be viewed as someone who is awful.

I thought about the direct approach, and let her know without a doubt that I knew everything. She could go to management about that one too, and (here again) I would be viewed as a trouble-maker, and verify (seemingly) his lies. Too many turns without any concrete direction.

Still, I had to bring it out in the open, somehow. He could not be allowed to absolutely get away with this, but I still had to be EXTREMELY careful about how I dealt with everything.

Any one of these options could have started a war…and I was aware of the potential…

I lined out the problem, which is obvious.

  • The big picture: A carefully planned and implemented scheme to attack my integrity in my job, and among my co-workers..my x’s insatiable need to play out the ‘tit-for-tat’ game.
  • The method of transmission: A bitter “old” woman,  who is an habitual back-stabber and gossip. An easily manipulated ‘pawn’ in his game.
  • My own fears
Now, what I came to realize while trying to come up with the best solution…
  • The REAL picture: I have worked HARD to rebuild myself, and my integrity in my company. Integrity speaks louder than the lies of a Psychopath.
  • Weak minded people, who HAVE no personal integrity, will placate the 2 of them and in turn fail to come to me directly to see if the gossip is valid or not.
  • Those weak-minded people (some of whom claim to be my friend) are absolutely part of the problem, too and NOT my friends.
  • The Psychopath, though he is and has been a definite problem, isn’t the root of the big picture. He just got his plan in motion, though he couldn’t do it himself. He depended on another person’s weakness toward gossip, to get it into full force.
  • The main problem is people who are willing to spread lies without confirmation of truth.
  • The problem is GOSSIP as a whole.

How do I combat the woman? The gossip? By shutting her down at her greatest vulnerability…NEEDING to bad-mouth people, to insure that she still looks good. She really is insecure. First, I have to keep myself in ‘check’ by not allowing or tolerating any gossip being told to me, directly. I decided that if she asks me anything personal…trying to get information…my immediate response will be, “It’s none of your business”. If she wants to talk to ME about others, my response will be, “I don’t want to hear it”. It’ll be direct and pointed, and leave no question. One thing IS certain…it WILL make her angry, and she will probably take it to management. Here’s the thing…I already alerted “management” of how I intend to handle this, with her. He already knows.

It can’t just stop with her. I have to painstakingly fight against gossip getting to my ears, and in turn REFUSE to be part of the problem, by allowing it in the first place…even if only to be cordial. I cannot allow myself to talk about anyone else…bad OR good. I don’t normally, anyway…though I HAVE, only to express my displeasure with how a person treated me. After all…if the person I’m talking to, isn’t directly involved, it’s still gossip.

This side of the gossip-chain, ends with ME!

The person my monster chose to exploit and propagate this lie, has been manipulated to believe the same lie. He chose to exploit her greatest weakness…her insecurities and inability to refrain from gossip or tearing others down to make herself  look better. She’s still his pawn, and a willing participant. I still don’t feel sorry for her.

I know I have to shut her down directly, without harming anyone in the meantime, or turn ANY eyes on me or the perpetrators. Except for one person’s…My HR Manager.

I went in to work early today, in order to talk with him about the situation. I explained everything to him…how it all started…reminded him of the scheme I suspected last summer. I told him it’s happening now. I also told him I don’t want to get anyone into trouble, but I thought he should be aware of it. I talked with him last summer, about my X and the monster he is. He believed me then, though only to the best of his ability…without experiencing it himself. He understands how this all played out and why my X has chosen NOW to do it. He asked me what I wanted to see done about this. I actually told him, “nothing…it’s just something you needed to be aware of”. I reminded him that I learned how to predict his potential schemes, and also learned to think like him.

Somehow, it got around to where I’m still living, and my HR Manager asked me how that was going. I told him I’m still afraid to walk to my car for work, and have to be sure where my X is when I do. I also said it’s getting easier for me to deal with. He asked if my X has been leaving me alone. I told him that, except for implementing this scheme, he hasn’t talked to me or approached me in any way, since filing the restraining order last summer. He was glad to hear that.

I can’t express how damaging gossip can be. I can’t express how childish and mindless it is. Grown intelligent adults are supposed to be beyond gossip, and should never tolerate it. We get lazy. We are afraid of making someone mad, by telling them you want no part of their gossip. It’s easier to remain “cordial”, or to succumb to the desire to bad-mouth someone else, ourselves. Refusal to conform to this, isn’t being self-righteous in any way…it’s drawing solid boundaries, and growing into better members of this race we call,

“HUMAN”…

Thanks to you for all of your encouragement, and advice.

A small victory, shrouded in betrayal


Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss from job #2. He, his sister and myself talked about a new contract and my role in it. We talked about another person who will be working with us, and he mentioned that he doesn’t feel hopeful about this person…he didn’t want her working with us, but it wasn’t his call. His sister (co-owner of the business) hired her. This lead into the next phase of the discussion…

He said, “to be perfectly honest, I’m worried about working with YOU.” then proceeded to explain why. A woman I work with is known for being a back-stabbing, gossip monger. She’s my age and gossips like kids do in junior high/middle school. She doesn’t care if the information is true, untrue, etc..only if it’s juicy and will hurt someone else. Apparently she walked up to my 2nd boss (They have had a contract for janitorial work at the original company I work for) and volunteered some information that she said “I think you should be aware of this…just looking out for you”. She told him that I have filed sexual harassment charges against 3 people. One was against a co-worker, one was against someone I worked with at a previous job (she told him the NAME of the business) that I worked at prior to being hired at my present company (job #1) and the third she wasn’t sure about. I about came unglued!!! This is where I go back in time a bit…before the end of my hell…before I made my steps to get away from the monster…

It was within the first 6 months of being employed by my current company. I delivered to one of the area stores within the company. When delivering, I had to walk into the store and pick up any transfers to other stores that I delivered to. I had been seeing my X for a relatively short time, though it was enough time to start effecting me psychologically and emotionally. I had delivered to this particular store a few times already, and had noticed one older man staring at me the entire time I was there (only a matter of a minute or 2) from across the room. I was still learning my position. The 2 times this individual decided to talk to me, he was condescending and rude. I decided I didn’t like him. Soon after, I took this same route, and he followed me out to my vehicle…watching me…on my way back into that store he said, “can I say something without offending you?” To that I replied, “I don’t know…probably not.” He said, “Lord you make those jeans look good!” I looked at him, absolutely FUMING, and said, “yep, that about does it” and left.

When I got back to my home store, I started ranting and raving about this asshole, the audacity he showed in making that comment in the first place, especially when he’d only been rude each time prior. Yeah, he pissed me off. As a result, management got involved and filed a formal sexual harassment case against him, on my behalf. He got into trouble and was moved back to the home store. I didn’t intend to get him into trouble…he just made me SOO ANGRY, and I was over the top. I just wanted to get it off my chest. Had I been in different circumstances, not being manipulated and stalked by my ‘boy’ friend and being anxious as a result…that would never have happened. But, I made the mistake and I own what happened.

Of course I told my monster about it. He said things to me about it, that made me think he didn’t believe me, and that I was wrong…that he looked down on me for it. Later he said he was “proud of me” for standing up for myself. I deserved to be angry. The guy WAS wrong, but my reaction to it caused him to get into trouble. Not my choice, but I didn’t stop it either.

A little later I was moved to that same store that I had previously delivered to. It just so happened (I became an in-store delivery person) that one of the accounts I delivered to, was the gas station I had worked for, for about a year and a half. I knew everyone there. I was at least pleasant acquaintances with everyone there, though there was one person I wasn’t particularly fond of. I delivered to that gas station one day, and one of the mechanics snapped me in the rear with a towel. Nothing major. The guy that did it just happened to be the one I didn’t particularly like. It made me uncomfortable, only because of who it was, but I took it exactly how I should have. A momentary “pick on you” time…not meant to be offensive. I called him an ass, and walked away, snickering. Yep, I told the monster about that one, too.

Not long after this, I realized that ANY information I told him, regardless of how innocent the information was, became fuel for his manipulative rants, and fuel for gas-lighting. He used it to…well you know…

Immediately after telling him about my day, he got irritated and asked me if I talked to the store manager (at the gas station) about it, “That was blatant sexual harassment” and “If you DON’T talk to the manager(s) there about it and complain, I will lose ALL respect for you! Especially after you got (so n so) into trouble!” I reassured him that I would talk to someone about it, without any intention of doing so…EVER. He was mad, I wasn’t. I thought that would be the end of it… Nope.

A few days went by and my monster let me know that he went to the sales rep that took care of the gas station, and talked to him about the situation that happened (WHAT situation?!). The sales rep is also the reason I got hired by the company I’m with now. He got me the job. He’s a sales rep for that company. The sales rep and I met while I was working for the gas station. He loved my report with the customers and work mates. He believed in me, and believed I would be a great addition to the company he represents. Yep, I told my X about that, too. My X told him that  I SAID I was really angry about what the mechanic did, and that I was threatening to stop delivering to that gas station unless something was done. My monster said it…went behind my back to do it. It made me angry, because he MADE ME LOOK BAD to every one there. I started to recognize the scheme he was setting up. It was a blatant LIE that he told. “She SAID”. Who would question? I was his girlfriend. I realized that with this lie, he would probably try to make me out to be someone who cried “WOLF” at any opportunity. I told my daughter about my suspicions, then. I also told my best friend, and best guy friend, immediately after it all happened.

Then the final exodus…the shit that hit the fan…his veil of garbage became transparent to me, and I made it out…somewhat alive, though wounded. Still, I knew it wasn’t over. He was still hooked on the ‘tit-for-tat’ games. He has to come out on top, no matter the cost to ANYONE else. He had his ammo lined out, ready to use at the opportune moment. The woman who is the 12-year-old, in a 45-year-old woman’s body…the back stabber… became his pawn.

On my way home from the meeting yesterday, I began to mull over the information I was given. Then it dawned on me…the ONLY way she could have known about anything having to do with the gas-station scenario, is if my X-MONSTER was feeding her the information…knowing she is who she is. What a better tool to use, than someone who doesn’t mind hurting others for her own gain? His plan…the one he put into place a year ago, is finally being played out. It’s probably been going on for a while. This is just the first time I’ve heard about it. He told her that I turned my ex-coworker in for sexual harassment, knowing she would go back and spread HIS LIES for him, to undermine MY integrity as an employee and a person. What a perfect little tool she’s turned into. I have to see her tomorrow…

Now, the small victory…

Up until now, everything I have admitted to anyone about the monster I met and our relationship was still hard to believe, for anyone…though my friends know me…they know me better than I know myself. They believed me and what I told them, though it was still hard for them to fathom.

My best guy-friend was waiting for me at my house, while I was at the meeting. He’s also the first one I told about what was going on, really. The first one I told about the monster I had encountered, and his manipulative/conniving nature. About his cruelty.

I came home, still fuming over the information I had just learned. Upset that the con-game was in full swing, and the woman I work closely with is his chosen mode of expression. I don’t feel sorry for her, though. It just plays into the person she is, already. My friend remembered everything I said to him, at that time…when my X was lining out his arsenal to discredit me “just in case” I saw him for what he IS. My friend is now, awe-struck. Now he sees it for himself.

In a small way, the veil that my X has tried so painstakingly to protect, is being removed…ever so slightly.

I definitely have GOT to talk to this woman. I’m debating on taking it to management as well, as I warned my HR manager of my suspicions when I originally took the situation to him, last summer. He was aware of my X’s potential, and of the things I believed would come up, from him. He’s aware, though I don’t know if he’ll remember what I said.

I am soo grateful that my 2nd boss decided to verify the information with me, before acting on it. I called him later to tell him where the woman was getting her information. During the meeting when the information was first divulged to me, I told him the truth. I also admitted what had happened with the man that was at the other store (not the gas station), and the sexual harassment charges, and how I played a significant role in that. I also let him know that I talked with that man, and I will stand to my grave on the fact that he’s a good man. He’s caring and a VERY good employee. He made a mistake that I over reacted, regarding his comments. I deserved and had a right to be angry. I was wrong in my reaction. That man and I are for all intents and purposes, friends.

I can’t begin to express how harmful gossip is. that’ll have to be another post. This one is far long enough.

I’m a little stuck, here. Any advice would be welcomed. How do I deal with this?

Anger???


It’s late. I should be sleeping right now. Instead, I have a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings overwhelming me.

The past several months, I have spent my time (even prior to my exodus) trying to make sense of the Monster I met. Trying to make sense of what was left of me…coming to grips…finding a name for the changeling that I had met. Once all of that was figured out, as much as it could be, a wonderful thing happened. I wasn’t in ‘as much’ turmoil. Above all, having felt so horribly ‘alone’, I wasn’t alone anymore. Many men and women have gone through the exact same thing as I. Psychological abuse is such a difficult thing to describe, explain and understand, much of the world around us doesn’t see the need to take a stand, nor can they accept it as a form of abuse (other than through textbook teaching) without the understanding that only experience can offer… after all, we’re just crazy, right? NOT IN THE LEAST!

I understand that in trying to make others see what my X had done, I was doing nothing but affirming HIS story. I sounded crazy to those who had never experienced a life which included the psychopath he IS. He went through great lengths to convince others that I was a mental case. With every word that I confessed to others, without their full understanding, they couldn’t grasp what I was saying. How could they? I couldn’t understand anything, myself.

I can’t expect anyone to believe me. A normal human just doesn’t act that way or go through such immeasurable lengths to torment and manipulate others…everyone around them. People who haven’t experienced the psychological mine-field of a Psychopath or Narcissist, aren’t equipped with the understanding that would foster, in turn, any empathy. It is what it is.

I have experienced fear, self-doubt, confusion, loneliness, shock, dismay, horror, anxiety and depression… every one of these… in the past year. Amazingly, I can say each one was my closest confidant on a daily basis.

Since breaking away, I continued feeling each of these for a time. Over the past several months, they have been replaced by growing confidence, strengthening peace, joy (to the point of almost giddiness), relief, understanding and knowing I’m truly not alone.

But, with everything else…WHERE IS THE ANGER?

Where is the disappointment? The rage that I’m entitled to?

My time has been spent trying to silence the confusion that was left in me. Trying to silence the echos of his manipulations, his gas-lighting, his voice. In all of this I realize that, though I really SHOULD be…I have yet to get angry.

Why not?

Disdain is there, as is bitterness….and yet, absolutely NO anger!

I read a blog tonight called “The Power of Rage” http://www.narcissismfree.com/blog/?p=862, which made me realize that it’s still missing.

In my past when there has been abuse, rage naturally showed itself eventually, over the injustice that was being dealt to me, as a tool to finally stand up for myself. To finally grow a “pair”. I became 10 feet tall and bullet proof. This time? I used anger, though it was an act of sorts. I wasn’t angry, though I fought against him as if I were.

Part of my healing in the past has been when my psyche and heart was able to finally release, and the result was rage. A righteous indignation of sorts. Fully controlled, and undamaging.

Perhaps I’m not ready for that ‘release’ yet. I’m fighting for that lost confidence, and winning. Maybe that has to be enough for now.

All I can say at this point is, I’m SO tired of ALL the stages and phases that have to be in order to heal.

Through everything, I AM victorious…just need some more time.

 

Top 10 Tips To GUARANTEE An Abusive Man Won’t Leave You Alone | Recover From Emotional Abuse


Top 10 Tips To GUARANTEE An Abusive Man Won’t Leave You Alone | Recover From Emotional Abuse.

Read this blog entry from Annie Kaszina…

How many of you can relate to this one?? I know I sure can, as I had done most of these things listed here. She’s right… I kept the monster right at my heals as a result.

Nuff’ said…

 

These days…”X” vs: ‘ex’


First off, I have to re-iterate one particular fact, as it stands. I am not a psychologist, or any sort of a professional (other than being a smart-ass) anything. Most of my posts have been about personal experience, trying to make sense, come to grips, find camaraderie with other victims of Narcs and Psychopaths in order to heal and in turn, help others.

As the stages I am experiencing, develop, evolve and surprise me, I find that I’m (as I have been since before coming to the conclusion that the monster I experienced, was and is a Psychopath) learning as much as I’m expressing, here. My overwhelming drive to understand, has evolved to a more professional approach. This could be a stage, in and of itself.

I view it as an indicator that I’m beginning to reach the point of being able to accept the ‘Monster’, as well as the damage he’s caused…maybe almost to the point of apathy (as it pertains to myself and my own pain). I’m able to breathe again, and experience peace. I still don’t view him as Human, in any shape or form…more like a changeling of sorts. I view him as an “X“…not an “ex”. I’ll explain the difference as I see it. This is my own idea, and it definitely fits right now. Something I have been aware of, though I didn’t completely understand why, is that I have unwaveringly described my past-monster as my “X”, instead of an “ex”. I realize that “ex” is the more recognized, appropriate choice of verbage in a grammatical sense. I haven’t been able to adhere to that rule. The question remained, “why?”. I have spent the past few days picking that one apart.

The “ex”: A human-being who, though is a past part of your life, a person still clings to a connection with that person of sorts. It’s someone that you don’t mind clinging to the memories, though however painful they might be. A person still recognizes the “ex’s” part in his/her life (bear with me…this is me, trying to sort out the feelings I have with each term), while still trying to adhere to the generalized view that the monster is still ‘Human‘.

The “X”: An individual who is viewed as completely reprehensible, devoid of anything “human” other than the carbon-based, chromosomes that link him/her to the genus of “Homo-Sapiens“. The “X” is an individual who you want to forget. Someone who you refuse any connection with, at all. One who you are determined to “X” out of your life…past, present and future. He’s not worth the agony of still trying to see the ‘human’ inside of him. That “ human” is completely devoid of anything linking him/her of that wonderful place in society.

I realize that I’m VERY BITTER, still. It’s my goal to drop any bitterness, as I realize that still gives him power over my every day life. Anything resembling a link with him MUST BE ERADICATED!

I cannot erase what has happened, nor who has caused the damage. Though, I wish I could. Completely erase him from existence. Erase the confusion and triggers that are left. Erase the past year and push the “do-over” button. As fact has it, I still have to work through everything, in order to find a semblance of normalcy again. Day by day, it’s happening. I’m grateful for that.

There are areas that remain a trigger, which will keep me frozen in time. One is the word “relationship” or “boyfriend”. Another is just seeing a car that is the same make and model as my “X’s” car. Seeing just the same color on another car, is a small trigger.

Day by day, I’m getting a bit tougher. A little bit stronger.

Thanks for being here..

My theory based on a blog by ‘openpachute.wordpress.com’…


I received notice of a new blog entry by http://openparachute.wordpress.com/2012/04/12/moral-behavior-in-animals/. First, I recommend that you all visit this blog. It’s very insightful and informative. this particular entry is really neat. In it is a video about the study of primates and others in the animal kingdom, to see if they exhibit a level of morality, determined by their displays of empathy, fairness, compassion, etc. The video is great! you will definitely laugh. It’s done very well and is very cleverly done.

During the ‘yawning‘ study, it sparked a thought for me (as does everything else on the planet)…Franz DeWaal mentions that the fact of yawning being contagious, is actually due to empathy. the response of seeing another yawn, which causes us to yawn, activates the same areas of the brain as does empathy. I wonder if we were to test someone who exhibits traits of Narcissism or Psychopathy (or ASPD) with the ‘yawn’ test, will they in turn, feel the need to yawn too? Or will they, since they obviously lack human traits as a whole, fail to yawn in turn? This just gets curiouser and curiouser… I would love the opportunity to test this theory. I wonder if this could be used by the lay-person, to test someone for Narcissism, Psychopathy or Sociopathy. If their romantic interest  doesn’t yawn back, could it be an indicator of these anti-social “isms”? Hmmm… I might try it out on random people just to see what might develop.

Even Elephants display cooperation. chimpanzees show compassion and empathy toward their counterparts. The Narcissist and psychopath cannot. They seem to be less evolved than our animal neighbors. Truly a thought-provoking subject.

Completely off the topic…

Today at work one of the guys who works with my X came into my store for a class. He made a point to come up to me and talk with me. He said they “miss my smily face” around there. He asked how I’ve been and how I like my new position. I had great things to say, and included lots of smiles. It was refreshing for me. I hold nothing against those who work with my x. The opinions they have of me aren’t because of me. They only know what has been portrayed by the Psychopath among them. I care about every one of them and hold no animosity toward anyone there…except for the obvious individual. The monster will forever be a monster. It’s not their fault that they have been duped by him.

All in all a great day today.