First off, I have to re-iterate one particular fact, as it stands. I am not a psychologist, or any sort of a professional (other than being a smart-ass) anything. Most of my posts have been about personal experience, trying to make sense, come to grips, find camaraderie with other victims of Narcs and Psychopaths in order to heal and in turn, help others.
As the stages I am experiencing, develop, evolve and surprise me, I find that I’m (as I have been since before coming to the conclusion that the monster I experienced, was and is a Psychopath) learning as much as I’m expressing, here. My overwhelming drive to understand, has evolved to a more professional approach. This could be a stage, in and of itself.
I view it as an indicator that I’m beginning to reach the point of being able to accept the ‘Monster’, as well as the damage he’s caused…maybe almost to the point of apathy (as it pertains to myself and my own pain). I’m able to breathe again, and experience peace. I still don’t view him as Human, in any shape or form…more like a changeling of sorts. I view him as an “X“…not an “ex”. I’ll explain the difference as I see it. This is my own idea, and it definitely fits right now. Something I have been aware of, though I didn’t completely understand why, is that I have unwaveringly described my past-monster as my “X”, instead of an “ex”. I realize that “ex” is the more recognized, appropriate choice of verbage in a grammatical sense. I haven’t been able to adhere to that rule. The question remained, “why?”. I have spent the past few days picking that one apart.
The “ex”: A human-being who, though is a past part of your life, a person still clings to a connection with that person of sorts. It’s someone that you don’t mind clinging to the memories, though however painful they might be. A person still recognizes the “ex’s” part in his/her life (bear with me…this is me, trying to sort out the feelings I have with each term), while still trying to adhere to the generalized view that the monster is still ‘Human‘.
The “X”: An individual who is viewed as completely reprehensible, devoid of anything “human” other than the carbon-based, chromosomes that link him/her to the genus of “Homo-Sapiens“. The “X” is an individual who you want to forget. Someone who you refuse any connection with, at all. One who you are determined to “X” out of your life…past, present and future. He’s not worth the agony of still trying to see the ‘human’ inside of him. That “ human” is completely devoid of anything linking him/her of that wonderful place in society.
I realize that I’m VERY BITTER, still. It’s my goal to drop any bitterness, as I realize that still gives him power over my every day life. Anything resembling a link with him MUST BE ERADICATED!
I cannot erase what has happened, nor who has caused the damage. Though, I wish I could. Completely erase him from existence. Erase the confusion and triggers that are left. Erase the past year and push the “do-over” button. As fact has it, I still have to work through everything, in order to find a semblance of normalcy again. Day by day, it’s happening. I’m grateful for that.
There are areas that remain a trigger, which will keep me frozen in time. One is the word “relationship” or “boyfriend”. Another is just seeing a car that is the same make and model as my “X’s” car. Seeing just the same color on another car, is a small trigger.
Day by day, I’m getting a bit tougher. A little bit stronger.
Thanks for being here..
- More About ‘Cultivating Indifference’ By Psychopathyaweareness (phoenixsphere.wordpress.com)
- Freedom to Not Forgive a Person with Anti Social Personality Disorder and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (lifebegins45.wordpress.com)
- Don’t Give the Psychopath too Much Importance (psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com)
- Survival Of A Psychopath(With Borderline Tendencies…Survivors…Fodder, Challenges Or Newly Educated Fireballs?) (sorceressofthedark.wordpress.com)