These days…”X” vs: ‘ex’

First off, I have to re-iterate one particular fact, as it stands. I am not a psychologist, or any sort of a professional (other than being a smart-ass) anything. Most of my posts have been about personal experience, trying to make sense, come to grips, find camaraderie with other victims of Narcs and Psychopaths in order to heal and in turn, help others.

As the stages I am experiencing, develop, evolve and surprise me, I find that I’m (as I have been since before coming to the conclusion that the monster I experienced, was and is a Psychopath) learning as much as I’m expressing, here. My overwhelming drive to understand, has evolved to a more professional approach. This could be a stage, in and of itself.

I view it as an indicator that I’m beginning to reach the point of being able to accept the ‘Monster’, as well as the damage he’s caused…maybe almost to the point of apathy (as it pertains to myself and my own pain). I’m able to breathe again, and experience peace. I still don’t view him as Human, in any shape or form…more like a changeling of sorts. I view him as an “X“…not an “ex”. I’ll explain the difference as I see it. This is my own idea, and it definitely fits right now. Something I have been aware of, though I didn’t completely understand why, is that I have unwaveringly described my past-monster as my “X”, instead of an “ex”. I realize that “ex” is the more recognized, appropriate choice of verbage in a grammatical sense. I haven’t been able to adhere to that rule. The question remained, “why?”. I have spent the past few days picking that one apart.

The “ex”: A human-being who, though is a past part of your life, a person still clings to a connection with that person of sorts. It’s someone that you don’t mind clinging to the memories, though however painful they might be. A person still recognizes the “ex’s” part in his/her life (bear with me…this is me, trying to sort out the feelings I have with each term), while still trying to adhere to the generalized view that the monster is still ‘Human‘.

The “X”: An individual who is viewed as completely reprehensible, devoid of anything “human” other than the carbon-based, chromosomes that link him/her to the genus of “Homo-Sapiens“. The “X” is an individual who you want to forget. Someone who you refuse any connection with, at all. One who you are determined to “X” out of your life…past, present and future. He’s not worth the agony of still trying to see the ‘human’ inside of him. That “ human” is completely devoid of anything linking him/her of that wonderful place in society.

I realize that I’m VERY BITTER, still. It’s my goal to drop any bitterness, as I realize that still gives him power over my every day life. Anything resembling a link with him MUST BE ERADICATED!

I cannot erase what has happened, nor who has caused the damage. Though, I wish I could. Completely erase him from existence. Erase the confusion and triggers that are left. Erase the past year and push the “do-over” button. As fact has it, I still have to work through everything, in order to find a semblance of normalcy again. Day by day, it’s happening. I’m grateful for that.

There are areas that remain a trigger, which will keep me frozen in time. One is the word “relationship” or “boyfriend”. Another is just seeing a car that is the same make and model as my “X’s” car. Seeing just the same color on another car, is a small trigger.

Day by day, I’m getting a bit tougher. A little bit stronger.

Thanks for being here..

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8 thoughts on “These days…”X” vs: ‘ex’

  1. A bit of encouragement: Old boyfriend drove a Charger. Couldn’t stand seeing the car for over 30 years, and then Michael Westin, from Burn Notice, has a Dodge Charger. Love it! No problems now. 🙂

    No sense burying the bitterness, since it will only fester and bubble up. Better to acknowledge and figure out a way to work through it, so you live the life you want. Go you!

    1. Thank you, Judy…words of wisdom 🙂 I was actually trying to figure out just how to rid myself of the bitterness. Unfortunately, there are too many negative memories (dealing with the aftermath), to bury it or push it away. I have to find a new view to rid myself of the bitterness. Working on that one. Thanks!

  2. Personally for me, the bitterness, whilst still sometimes pops it’s ugly head up, has faded with time as my ex narcissist becomes less and less part of my life and less shaping of who I have become. Being with someone like that changes you in good ways, but unfortunately bad as well, I think losing all the bad changes I made certainly made me less bitter and resentful. (though I still experience these from time to time.)

    1. thanks for this! I have realized much the same thing about myself. My experience, too, has brought about some good changes…and some bad. Sorting them from eachother has proven to be quite the undertaking. The good thing is I know who I am, deep down, and use that as a great tool. Getting rid of the bad will be tough, though, since it’s solely linked to the fear and bitterness I still have. I’m not sure WHERE the link is, or the trigger, though I am completely aware of there being one. I suspect that with time, things will be easier to sever. One feeds and holds onto the other… You brought some realization to me, that I greatly needed. One thing’s for certain: There’s a big battle looming inside of me. I need to find the right tools and weapons to come out victorious.

      Thank you for your thoughts. I will keep this in mind :D…very helpful!

  3. I get what you are saying, even though I always consider my “ex” human and therefore an “ex” and not an “x.” You will never be able to erase him, but one thing you are probably already doing, and which I encourage you to continue to do is to figure out how to learn from this experience, figure out how it is making you stronger. One thing after I got divorced, I never wanted to get married again. You talked about triggers and how “relationship” was a trigger for you. “Wife” and “marriage” were triggers for me. I thought being a “wife” meant that I would be determined and defined by a husband and “marriage” meant entrapment. Now that I’m newly married, I see that it’s not that way at all (I just got remarried in December). Often, I think about this and am surprised at how much freedome I have EVEN THOUGH I am married. And then I think “wait”! This shouldn’t be “even though.” Even though shouldn’t be involved in this at all.
    You say you keep getting stronger. I believe as long as you keep striving for freedom from the bitterness, you will be just fine. I can already see you are a strong person just in the fact that you are writing this blog to get better and just in the fact that you are determined to get strong. Go you!!!

    1. I have definitely learned from this experience…in more ways than one. More ways than I can count. The weird thing is that all of the learning is all-encompassing. You can’t learn just one thing in a particular area, without touching on something else.

      The way you describe the words “marriage” and “wife”, are actually the same way I feel about “relationship” and “boyfriend”. I have been married before, too. The word “marriage” causes the same trigger for me as the others I’ve mentioned. I didn’t realize it before reading your comment, but It means pretty much to me, as it meant to you; having to become a lifeless spineless jelly-fish. Full of fear until I’ve had enough. It means giving up everything that I love, for the one who is the ‘head’ of the household. Funny…that even includes one dinner that I love to make, “tater tot casserole”. It means that in order to sing, I have to listen to the jealous bullshit that emanates out of a man’s mouth. It means trying to quell the anger inside of him, as best as I can…though never succeeding. It means being a hermit for ‘his’ sake.

      For whatever reason, this experience with a psychopath has been my proverbial straw. Yep…I’m the camel. Apparently, your comment struck a chord :D… I appreciate the encouragement! I’m a lot stronger than I was, that’s for sure! Much work is left ahead of me, but I’m making great gains.

      1. This is exactly what it took for me to identify the beast in my X. I researched every area I could about his behavior, and then finding everyone here has been confirmation of the true monster I had dealt with. there’s a difference between a jerk (the big D-word) and someone who has Antisocial Personality Disorder. I knew mine was a Jerk from the get-go. He was just so “over-the-top”, I knew there was something more. He wasn’t/isn’t just a “normal” jerk. Seeing other’s posts has been great in my journey. Without viewing other’s experiences, i would never be able to accept what I had been through, nor who I dealt with. I’ve suspected the same thing, in reading your descriptions. I didn’t say a word 😀 Even if your ex wasn’t someone with these ‘isms’, he WAS damaging enough for you to get away and get your life back. You’re free. remember this! Congratulations on your recent marriage! Go you!!

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