It’s late. I should be sleeping right now. Instead, I have a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings overwhelming me.
The past several months, I have spent my time (even prior to my exodus) trying to make sense of the Monster I met. Trying to make sense of what was left of me…coming to grips…finding a name for the changeling that I had met. Once all of that was figured out, as much as it could be, a wonderful thing happened. I wasn’t in ‘as much’ turmoil. Above all, having felt so horribly ‘alone’, I wasn’t alone anymore. Many men and women have gone through the exact same thing as I. Psychological abuse is such a difficult thing to describe, explain and understand, much of the world around us doesn’t see the need to take a stand, nor can they accept it as a form of abuse (other than through textbook teaching) without the understanding that only experience can offer… after all, we’re just crazy, right? NOT IN THE LEAST!
I understand that in trying to make others see what my X had done, I was doing nothing but affirming HIS story. I sounded crazy to those who had never experienced a life which included the psychopath he IS. He went through great lengths to convince others that I was a mental case. With every word that I confessed to others, without their full understanding, they couldn’t grasp what I was saying. How could they? I couldn’t understand anything, myself.
I can’t expect anyone to believe me. A normal human just doesn’t act that way or go through such immeasurable lengths to torment and manipulate others…everyone around them. People who haven’t experienced the psychological mine-field of a Psychopath or Narcissist, aren’t equipped with the understanding that would foster, in turn, any empathy. It is what it is.
I have experienced fear, self-doubt, confusion, loneliness, shock, dismay, horror, anxiety and depression… every one of these… in the past year. Amazingly, I can say each one was my closest confidant on a daily basis.
Since breaking away, I continued feeling each of these for a time. Over the past several months, they have been replaced by growing confidence, strengthening peace, joy (to the point of almost giddiness), relief, understanding and knowing I’m truly not alone.
But, with everything else…WHERE IS THE ANGER?
Where is the disappointment? The rage that I’m entitled to?
My time has been spent trying to silence the confusion that was left in me. Trying to silence the echos of his manipulations, his gas-lighting, his voice. In all of this I realize that, though I really SHOULD be…I have yet to get angry.
Disdain is there, as is bitterness….and yet, absolutely NO anger!
I read a blog tonight called “The Power of Rage” http://www.narcissismfree.com/blog/?p=862, which made me realize that it’s still missing.
In my past when there has been abuse, rage naturally showed itself eventually, over the injustice that was being dealt to me, as a tool to finally stand up for myself. To finally grow a “pair”. I became 10 feet tall and bullet proof. This time? I used anger, though it was an act of sorts. I wasn’t angry, though I fought against him as if I were.
Part of my healing in the past has been when my psyche and heart was able to finally release, and the result was rage. A righteous indignation of sorts. Fully controlled, and undamaging.
Perhaps I’m not ready for that ‘release’ yet. I’m fighting for that lost confidence, and winning. Maybe that has to be enough for now.
All I can say at this point is, I’m SO tired of ALL the stages and phases that have to be in order to heal.
Through everything, I AM victorious…just need some more time.
- The Man Who Lied to My Face (thewritingwolf.wordpress.com)
- Foolish Anger (jerfireandhammer.wordpress.com)
- Positive Anger (celestealluvial.wordpress.com)
- Resentment by Psychic Crystal (psychicsource.com)
- Is Your Anger a Cleansing Squall or a Destructive Hurricane? (psychcentral.com)