Anger???

It’s late. I should be sleeping right now. Instead, I have a whirlwind of thoughts and feelings overwhelming me.

The past several months, I have spent my time (even prior to my exodus) trying to make sense of the Monster I met. Trying to make sense of what was left of me…coming to grips…finding a name for the changeling that I had met. Once all of that was figured out, as much as it could be, a wonderful thing happened. I wasn’t in ‘as much’ turmoil. Above all, having felt so horribly ‘alone’, I wasn’t alone anymore. Many men and women have gone through the exact same thing as I. Psychological abuse is such a difficult thing to describe, explain and understand, much of the world around us doesn’t see the need to take a stand, nor can they accept it as a form of abuse (other than through textbook teaching) without the understanding that only experience can offer… after all, we’re just crazy, right? NOT IN THE LEAST!

I understand that in trying to make others see what my X had done, I was doing nothing but affirming HIS story. I sounded crazy to those who had never experienced a life which included the psychopath he IS. He went through great lengths to convince others that I was a mental case. With every word that I confessed to others, without their full understanding, they couldn’t grasp what I was saying. How could they? I couldn’t understand anything, myself.

I can’t expect anyone to believe me. A normal human just doesn’t act that way or go through such immeasurable lengths to torment and manipulate others…everyone around them. People who haven’t experienced the psychological mine-field of a Psychopath or Narcissist, aren’t equipped with the understanding that would foster, in turn, any empathy. It is what it is.

I have experienced fear, self-doubt, confusion, loneliness, shock, dismay, horror, anxiety and depression… every one of these… in the past year. Amazingly, I can say each one was my closest confidant on a daily basis.

Since breaking away, I continued feeling each of these for a time. Over the past several months, they have been replaced by growing confidence, strengthening peace, joy (to the point of almost giddiness), relief, understanding and knowing I’m truly not alone.

But, with everything else…WHERE IS THE ANGER?

Where is the disappointment? The rage that I’m entitled to?

My time has been spent trying to silence the confusion that was left in me. Trying to silence the echos of his manipulations, his gas-lighting, his voice. In all of this I realize that, though I really SHOULD be…I have yet to get angry.

Why not?

Disdain is there, as is bitterness….and yet, absolutely NO anger!

I read a blog tonight called “The Power of Rage” http://www.narcissismfree.com/blog/?p=862, which made me realize that it’s still missing.

In my past when there has been abuse, rage naturally showed itself eventually, over the injustice that was being dealt to me, as a tool to finally stand up for myself. To finally grow a “pair”. I became 10 feet tall and bullet proof. This time? I used anger, though it was an act of sorts. I wasn’t angry, though I fought against him as if I were.

Part of my healing in the past has been when my psyche and heart was able to finally release, and the result was rage. A righteous indignation of sorts. Fully controlled, and undamaging.

Perhaps I’m not ready for that ‘release’ yet. I’m fighting for that lost confidence, and winning. Maybe that has to be enough for now.

All I can say at this point is, I’m SO tired of ALL the stages and phases that have to be in order to heal.

Through everything, I AM victorious…just need some more time.

 

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16 thoughts on “Anger???

  1. The rage took many, many months to surface in my case. And it was a fantastic release! (One analogy that I have used when speaking to people about the narcissist/sociopath from my past is vampires. Everyone romanticizes vampire tales. But they fail to see the dark side of what it means to be a vampire. Many folks “get it” after I describe the manipulation that leads to control that leads to possession…just like a blood-sucking vampire, sociopaths seek to destroy, conquer, and dispose.) Great post!

    1. I suspect it will be the same for me. Heck, it’s been 10 months since I broke up with him…and still? Nothing… I just think it’s odd. I looked up the 7 stages of grief and compared them to my situation. It fits…kinda. I think life after a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath has it’s own stages of grief. One of these days I’ll list them…as soon as I can identify them. I haven’t gone through or learned what they are to do that yet. I had heard the analogy of a vampire. It definitely fits! Both are predatory in nature. My X’s teeth were messed up, too!! lol!

  2. Over 6 years ago I made this same journey. I took my kids and I left the narcissist that I married. I went through many of the same things you are describing for a long time. I determined I would not date or enter into another relationship until I found out what in me seemed to be attracted and would pick someone like that. It’s been a long journey – hard, nerve wracking and grueling, but I now have peace, self-love which I never thought I would have again and have finally found someone that loves me for me and isn’t the least bit controlling. The journey back to yourself – is well worth it. Nice post!!

    1. thanks for the encouragement! Part of the trigger of ‘relationship’ for me, is that I don’t want a repeat of THIS! I want to see a change in my thinking that could be what is drawing the abusers to me. One of which is my SILENCE, when I’m being mistreated. I don’t know how to bring about that change, but I’m determined to do so. Thanks again 😀

      1. A few books that helped me – “Charmers and Con Artists and their flip side” by Sandra Scott. The book is excellent for spotting Narcistic behaviour. Saved me. Another is “The Secret Laws of Attraction – How to Get the Relationship You Want.” – by Talane Meidaner. That book really shows you how to identify your own needs and fulfill them so you don’t keep making the same mistakes. 🙂

        1. Thank you for the suggestions. I don’t really know of what is good out there, though I have read an article or 2 from Sandra Scott. i would imagine that her book is just as helpful. I’ll look into these.

  3. Anger is part of the grieving process. I remember listening to my sister talk about there being no rage. I didn’t say anything. She wasn’t ready. When it finally showed up it was spectacular, and she was finally in a place where she was able to handle it. There were plenty of times when she thought the rage was winning, but she was so much stronger, and she’s making it through. So will you.

    1. I wonder if, in order to complete this process (ie: feel that rage), I’ll need to get out of this home, first. I know that seeing him almost daily has been harmful in a lot of ways. I’m dealing with it a little better, though there is still some fear when I leave my house…knowing he’s still able to watch me. Thanks Judy! I imagine this post is a little bit ‘de ja vue-ish’ for you 😀

      1. It’s sad to know I’m not alone, and good to know I’m not alone. It saddens me others have to go through the crap, and a comfort to know it isn’t only me. 🙂

      2. I know exactly what you mean. We hate to see and hear of others having to go through any injustice. When it’s happened to us, its comforting to know we aren’t alone. I’m glad I found you all! Too bad we can’t all meet somewhere for lunch.

    1. More than anything, I would like that release. I still deserve to be angry over what has happened, but for whatever reason I’m not. I’m just extatic to be away from him! When the time is right, I know it’ll come. I picture an oil field. Before the geizer, there has to be a removal of all the layers of dirt, rocks and sand. Once all of that is removed (ie: the process of healing), the oil is allowed to explode out of the earth. The release will be like a geizer, once all of the trapping layers are removed. I guess I’m just impatient. I want to be completely whole NOW!! The rage will be an indicator that it’s finally (for the most part) over. count on a list of the stages eventually… that one is likely to take as much time as feeling the release :). Once I can name them, there will be a list and description. Thanks for your comment ;D

  4. Pingback: the common roots of anguish, angst, anxiety, anger, and arrogance « power of language blog: partnering with reality by JR Fibonacci

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