I beat everything around in my head…everything about what I had learned and been made aware of. I thought, stewed, contemplated, schemed, had night-mares (yep, those too) and thought some more about what to do about the con-game my X had finally implemented.
One thing was for sure, I ABSOLUTELY HAD to deal with it. It couldn’t just be swept under the carpet. If I had confronted the woman I work with, I would have definitely been viewed as a trouble maker at work. This would have confirmed (seemingly) the lies my X is spreading.
Nope, couldn’t go “there”. But, he couldn’t be allowed to get away with it either.
I thought about setting her up in a way to cause her fear that she and the lies she is propagating, had been realized, and in turn cause her to be concerned about getting into trouble from management. There again, I would be viewed as someone who is awful.
I thought about the direct approach, and let her know without a doubt that I knew everything. She could go to management about that one too, and (here again) I would be viewed as a trouble-maker, and verify (seemingly) his lies. Too many turns without any concrete direction.
Still, I had to bring it out in the open, somehow. He could not be allowed to absolutely get away with this, but I still had to be EXTREMELY careful about how I dealt with everything.
Any one of these options could have started a war…and I was aware of the potential…
I lined out the problem, which is obvious.
- The big picture: A carefully planned and implemented scheme to attack my integrity in my job, and among my co-workers..my x’s insatiable need to play out the ‘tit-for-tat’ game.
- The method of transmission: A bitter “old” woman, who is an habitual back-stabber and gossip. An easily manipulated ‘pawn’ in his game.
- My own fears
- The REAL picture: I have worked HARD to rebuild myself, and my integrity in my company. Integrity speaks louder than the lies of a Psychopath.
- Weak minded people, who HAVE no personal integrity, will placate the 2 of them and in turn fail to come to me directly to see if the gossip is valid or not.
- Those weak-minded people (some of whom claim to be my friend) are absolutely part of the problem, too and NOT my friends.
- The Psychopath, though he is and has been a definite problem, isn’t the root of the big picture. He just got his plan in motion, though he couldn’t do it himself. He depended on another person’s weakness toward gossip, to get it into full force.
- The main problem is people who are willing to spread lies without confirmation of truth.
- The problem is GOSSIP as a whole.
How do I combat the woman? The gossip? By shutting her down at her greatest vulnerability…NEEDING to bad-mouth people, to insure that she still looks good. She really is insecure. First, I have to keep myself in ‘check’ by not allowing or tolerating any gossip being told to me, directly. I decided that if she asks me anything personal…trying to get information…my immediate response will be, “It’s none of your business”. If she wants to talk to ME about others, my response will be, “I don’t want to hear it”. It’ll be direct and pointed, and leave no question. One thing IS certain…it WILL make her angry, and she will probably take it to management. Here’s the thing…I already alerted “management” of how I intend to handle this, with her. He already knows.
It can’t just stop with her. I have to painstakingly fight against gossip getting to my ears, and in turn REFUSE to be part of the problem, by allowing it in the first place…even if only to be cordial. I cannot allow myself to talk about anyone else…bad OR good. I don’t normally, anyway…though I HAVE, only to express my displeasure with how a person treated me. After all…if the person I’m talking to, isn’t directly involved, it’s still gossip.
The person my monster chose to exploit and propagate this lie, has been manipulated to believe the same lie. He chose to exploit her greatest weakness…her insecurities and inability to refrain from gossip or tearing others down to make herself look better. She’s still his pawn, and a willing participant. I still don’t feel sorry for her.
I know I have to shut her down directly, without harming anyone in the meantime, or turn ANY eyes on me or the perpetrators. Except for one person’s…My HR Manager.
I went in to work early today, in order to talk with him about the situation. I explained everything to him…how it all started…reminded him of the scheme I suspected last summer. I told him it’s happening now. I also told him I don’t want to get anyone into trouble, but I thought he should be aware of it. I talked with him last summer, about my X and the monster he is. He believed me then, though only to the best of his ability…without experiencing it himself. He understands how this all played out and why my X has chosen NOW to do it. He asked me what I wanted to see done about this. I actually told him, “nothing…it’s just something you needed to be aware of”. I reminded him that I learned how to predict his potential schemes, and also learned to think like him.
Somehow, it got around to where I’m still living, and my HR Manager asked me how that was going. I told him I’m still afraid to walk to my car for work, and have to be sure where my X is when I do. I also said it’s getting easier for me to deal with. He asked if my X has been leaving me alone. I told him that, except for implementing this scheme, he hasn’t talked to me or approached me in any way, since filing the restraining order last summer. He was glad to hear that.
I can’t express how damaging gossip can be. I can’t express how childish and mindless it is. Grown intelligent adults are supposed to be beyond gossip, and should never tolerate it. We get lazy. We are afraid of making someone mad, by telling them you want no part of their gossip. It’s easier to remain “cordial”, or to succumb to the desire to bad-mouth someone else, ourselves. Refusal to conform to this, isn’t being self-righteous in any way…it’s drawing solid boundaries, and growing into better members of this race we call,
Thanks to you for all of your encouragement, and advice.
- I am a Pawn. (jmorelos13.wordpress.com)
- Stop Gossiping (mrcrazypanda55.com)
- Employees Will be Anonymous Gossip Mechanism (socyberty.com)
- Gossip (painisanillusion.wordpress.com)
- Ooooh, let me tell you what I just heard… (respectedeclectic.wordpress.com)
- Do you like to gossip? (atpy.wordpress.com)
- Office Gossip: Is It A Bad Thing? (chicago.cbslocal.com)
- Why Gossiping Is So Much Better When Grandma Does It (tooyoungtofeelold.wordpress.com)
- How to Deal with Gossip (socyberty.com)
- When Someone Hates You (wonderyearsof2.blogspot.com)