Dreaming up scenarios…

Lykke Li 4

I mentioned earlier in my blog that I have decided to compete in a singing contest…well, finals are this coming Thursday night. I’ve chosen 2 songs that I know and can do well (ok, in my sleep). As I’m sure I’ve become “famous” for… “let’s back up”… to the night of the semi-finals…

I kept this contest kind of “hush-hush” from people at work. I didn’t want the monster to show up out of spite. (he would). I still wanted to keep it under wraps, but I had to ask the assistant manager for help, so I could get out asap. The assistant manager that I closed with that same night, fixed it so I could get off work a little early, and be on time for the contest. When I made it to the finals, I wanted him to know so he knew that his efforts paid off..even just a little bit. Next thing I knew, EVERYONE at work was congratulating me for making it that far! The manager who opened the store the next morning heard about it from the first one. He asked if I wondered why everyone was congratulating me. I said “yeah, why is that?” He said he went around the store, including the corporate offices, and asked them to. He said, “I know what it’s like to do something that makes you proud, and the only congratulations you get are coming back from the mirror”. So sweet! However, very nerve wracking! By the end of the day, everyone…and I do mean EVERYONE knew about it…every store in the area…including my X.

Finals are coming up. I’m confident in my song choices. There are a few people coming from my own store, to see the performances, and to root me on (it’s a have-to kind of thing, and maybe based in a little curiosity). I’m nervous about that since I’ve never sang in front of any of them before. I feel like I have to prove myself to them, still. Silly.

The closer the competition gets, the more scenarios are running through my head. They are not real. I realize this. They are nothing but dreamed up from the deepest recesses of my psyche. My fear of the beast. The common thread? “How will I handle things”?

The first scenario.

I get off work a little later than I wanted to and show up at the contest, a little disheveled, disorganized, and nervous. I walk into the area where they are holding the contest and see the other 6 contestants…and a monster, sitting with everyone else from work. I’m instantly angry…just before I’m called up to perform.

I take the cordless microphone from the host of the competition and glare at the beast, sitting there with a snide smirk…staring me down…trying to shake me… I then point him out to the staff and tell them “I deserve to have him watch me and smear all of this in his face, but HE doesn’t deserve to be here watching ME…please escort him out”. 1) the bouncers remove his evil hide from the room, with him yelling all the way out the door. Or: 2) The bouncers (or staff members) don’t see any need, and allow him to stay anyway…while he REALLY tries to shake me to my core, glaring at me the entire time… (I have enough trouble with stage fright)

The second scenario..

I show up on time (by whichever or whomever’s good graces) due to getting out of work early. I’m able to relax with my friends and people from work for a while. A little while later, I look over toward the entrance and see my X walk in with his girlfriend… I’m 1) confident and empowered by his presence…not because of any good he’s ever done, but because I finally get to give him the final “fuck you” to his face. I sing the songs I know so well, with more power and emotion than ever, and there-by completing my purpose for choosing to compete in this one again. Or: 2) I’m instantly shaken, unable to overcome my immediate anxiety. My singing is (again) weak like a child’s, and he’ll be able to rub THIS in my face…however indirectly…as is his M.O. of late. I’ll have to concentrate on the faces of my friends and family’s so as to avoid his piercing gaze. One of the scoring factors is stage presence. If I’m unable to engage the rest of the audience, this score will be a very low one. I’m in this to do my absolute best. Not to do a repeat of the last attempt.

His favorite game is “tit-for-tat”. He’s highly retaliatory and ruthless in his attempts. His greatest goal right now, as it concerns his hatred of me is to hurt me in whatever way he can. Knowing him, he knows my love for music. He knows how it’s been my driving strength throughout my life. He knows he scarred it before… He might attempt to do this again, out of spite.

I can hear my own advice to others echoing in my mind… “9 times out of 10, we worry about things that haven’t happened yet”…”We expend much-needed energy on ‘what-ifs’ and ‘maybe’s’…” Yep, I hear it loud and clear, but still…I know him. He (much to my detriment) knows me too…my greatest weaknesses…my fear that I’ve been battling since running from him almost a year ago. I can’t help but wonder how I will handle it. I don’t want to fall back into the jelly-fish that I hate so much. I don’t want to give him ANY strength over me. I’m just not over anything completely, and my strength, though is definitely better, it’s still shaken easily. Scared? Yea…very. Scared of singing? Not at ALL! Stage fright is there, but so is confidence. I shake like a leaf, but can still sing.

One of the songs I’ve chosen is one that my dad requested for his funeral. It was an honor…what an understatement. No one knew he would die. He and my Mom just so happened to discuss his wishes, 2 weeks prior to his death. The timing was really strange. As if there was someone setting things into motion. He told my mom that he wanted a song that I sang on CD…one that they paid for, for me to do. He didn’t like the original artist’s rendition…only mine. And that’s the one he wanted for his funeral. It’s also the one I’m doing for finals. It’s taken me 2 years to be able to sing it again, without completely losing it. My mom will be at the contest, too. This will be the first time she’s heard it since my dad’s funeral. It needs to be perfect, for the both of us. For my Dad.

I can’t allow a psychopath/vampire/predator to take this one. He’s the one who’s dead inside. Not me. Peace and strength need to be my guiding force during the competition, no matter WHAT happens or WHO is there. I just have to find a way to allow it to be.

“Breathe in…Breathe out…”

Hmmm.. It’s not by accident that I found this story about wonderful Malaki Paul (Britains’ Got Talent 2012). Listen to him struggle at first…then come back with such a strength! Listen to his song… Very encouraging. 😀 Absolutely wonderful talent in this young boy!!

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11 thoughts on “Dreaming up scenarios…

  1. I’m so excited for you! Sing for your dad; he’ll be listening and cheering for you. The monster doesn’t deserve anymore real estate in your head. GO YOU!!

    1. lol!! now THAT’S funny! 😀 You are so right, he definitely doesn’t deserve more real estate in my head! (I got quite the picture from that one!) haha!

      I’m not one who is into the idea that our dead friends and family can or do engineer scenarios for our benefit, but this time I wonder. This is (right now) the biggest fight of my life…and I need my Dad with me by my side again. I really need to BE the strong one, myself, otherwise I will still be seen as weak by my X. I need to stand strong on my OWN 2 feet, otherwise my X will come back with a friggen vengeance, more empowered and a bigger threat to me than ever! I believe Dad knows that, too. (knowing my dad, he’ll still be there irregardless of anything I need to do for myself. He’ll just be somewhat silent…an ominous presence…as he always had been 🙂

      If he were alive, I know what he’d be doing with my X. Same thing he did to a particular teacher of mine in Jr High who held my class and I hostage inside the school, during a teacher’s strike. Apparently my teacher was confronted by my dad and soon after let us all go (I don’t remember any of this…only bits and pieces). My dad’s temper was one a person didn’t soon forget, if on the receiving end…especially if the individual was between my Dad and one of his daughters. i didn’t know about anything my dad did until years later. Pretty cool! I do believe, however, that all things become clear in death. He knows who and what my X is, even though they never met. He’ll say his peace, somehow.

      I needed to take time remembering my Dad, right now.

      Thank you!!

  2. I definitely have the kind of mind that runs through ALL of the scenarios of a situation. Of course, not ALL of them, but I try to prepare myself for the worst so that, hopefully, something not so bad happens instead. If I’m prepared for the worst, I can handle less!

    Just focus on singing this for you, your mom and your dad. Let that give you strength.

    Wishing you so much luck with the contest. I wish I could hear you sing!

    1. I wish you could be there too! I’m sure things will be fine. I just worry. I’m not ready to see him again, especially on a night that I need to reaffirm who I am, and grow confidence. I need to win..not so much the contest, but this battle. Thank you for the encouragement!!

  3. I am so excited for you too! I know you told me you were going to do a competition, but this sounds really good. Do you think you could video it and put it on your blog? Big big congratulations and for getting this far.
    I am also with Judy who said sing for your dad. The monster doesn’t deserve anymore real estate in your head. So so so so true. Don’t give him that power. Sing for your dad!!!!

    1. Thank you for your encouragement!! I’ll try to video it and put it on for you. I don’t know how to do that, but maybe I can borrow someones phone that has video recording capabilities?? I have a video camera that is 8mm/digital, but I lost the memory card that goes with it. Yeah, if you couldn’t tell, I’m just a wee-bit nervous! Tomorrow night after work… Phew! The place is gonna be PACKED! I believe everything will be fine. After mulling over all the scenarios, I doubt he’ll show up. He isn’t going to place himself in any situation where he can be exposed. He already knows I would expose him. I’ve done it before.

  4. Wait! I thought when I looked at this from my phone that the first pic was a video. Where is the video!? 🙂
    It is interesting how much we change when we put aside the people in our lives who are dragging us down. It is confirmation, isn’t it, when others see that change? (never mind that the judge thought it was something he said–such a man). 🙂

    1. lol!! You know? I’m really not worried that he took credit for any change he saw (or they saw). The cool thing is that I know what I walked in with in the previous competition. I was such a shell of myself. such a scared little person, that all I wanted to do is melt away into the background, without anyone being able to hear me…much less see me!! I love the change in the fact that i have all but conquered this one! the fact that a noticeable change was noticed, spoke volumes to me!!

      It means that I’m getting stronger day by day, in spite of his (my X’s) influences and abuse. i am able to hold my head high more often, and for longer periods of time. In short, he’s completely LOST this battle!! The noticeable change is a testament of that fact. Enough so that other’s notice it!! That to me is a HUGE win! That is the win I wanted to see when I auditioned this time. I wanted to see confirmation and affirmation, as well as be able to see and hear it, myself. This was a battle between he and I. I win! I would have won this battle, without ever winning the contest! That was just the icing 😀

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