For you who wanted to see…

After the first song, the judges (as they did throughout the contest) commented HEAVILY about the change in me, since the last attempt in this particular contest. I wish my friend had recorded them. The funny thing is they thought the improvement was due to their advice to me. It’s amazing what one can do when determination sets in. The difference between then and now, is the confidence level! That’s it! I refused to allow the monster to take my faith and relationship with music!! I believe this is a turning point in my healing process.

I wanted to mention some of the GOOD changes, since leaving my X.. and possibly the best one. Before my experience with him, I really was a jelly-fish..especially when it came to abuse from men in general, but also with ANYONE. I let people walk all over me. I wouldn’t stand up for myself when someone was mean, a jerk, or cutting. That’s definitely changed!

One person this is affecting is my daughter. She told me I’m more “sensitive”. That might be the case in some respects, but what she is seeing (she is one who I’ve let walk all over me) is my absolute REFUSAL to do this anymore! I shut her down in an instant, as I do anyone else who is cruel. It’s still hard to do as my first reaction is silence. But I recognize that immediately, and speak up now.

I used to be VERY self-conscious. I was worried about how I looked or acted…whether or not I would be perceived as a “dork”. Since my X, I now refuse to make apologies for who I AM! I realize that there are times that I DO look and act like a dork. I also realize that is exactly WHO I AM, at times.

I’m still a bit shaky in areas, but I’m growing. There are areas that I’m afraid might be damaged beyond repair, but only time will tell.

I hope you will enjoy this video.


11 thoughts on “For you who wanted to see…

  1. Thank you so much for sharing this video! It’s wonderful that the positive changes taking place within you are so visible for everyone to see. It’s encouraging and it means you are on the right path. I’m glad your X didn’t take away the faith and love you have in your musical talent 🙂

    1. He had me at the point for a while, that I couldn’t sing (even alone) or listen to music! I recognized that this is an area that God has ordained for people. The bible (I can’t remember where) says something to the effect of , “Let my people dance”. I believe it was about the exodus of the israelites from Egypt. I could be wrong. Music is something that is mentioned in the bible, several times! What a shame that one individual (a sick one) can have ANY power to destroy the emotional and psychological outlet that it IS. It’s been my best friend since I was a little girl. It’s who I am. If I had allowed him to win…i would have been, for all intents and purposes, absolutely DEAD inside! I’m glad you liked this 🙂 Thank you for your encouragement through this process!! You (and others) are the reason I’ve been able to make it this far in MY exodus!! Huggs!

    1. Thanks Judy! Did I mention how it turned out? I WON!! By a VERY narrow margin! Everyone I competed with were wonderful people, and every bit as good! I’m loving that I WAS able to give my X the proverbial slap in the face that i wanted to!!

      I achieved my goals in this contest, and am soo proud of that! Not winning… (Though I LOVE the fact that I won) but that I did my best, had fun and I KNOW he’s heard about it! He knows he lost this one 😀 That is the best “pick-me-up” anyone could hope for!

  2. Congratulations! Winning is the best kick in the ass to your ex…lol…but it proves how good you really are! You worked hard at something you believe in and you earned it! Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you! And you’re right…it feels great rubbing this (proverbially..not actually) in his face. The hard work that was there, was trying to re-gain the confidence! I had to pull up my britches, put on my shit-kickers and get to work, determined to not allow him to take this one! It’s the most important thing, which makes me who I am. The other areas were already weak, and he just finished the ‘job’. Those are important, too, but not AS important to me. I’m amazed that I’m (seemingly) the ONLY one who sees him for WHAT (not who) he is.

  3. Oh my goodness! You sound great!!!!! And look at you being the awesome entertainer, working the crowd!! 🙂 I’m so happy for you that you went out there and did this–achieving one of your dreams. You look so beautiful rocking it up there. You are truly an inspiration! You are living and loving life. I’m toasting you with my glass of wine tonight.
    Our hearts really will go on, won’t they? 🙂

    1. Hey you! Thanks for this 🙂 Not sure what else to say, but thank you!! I really am happy you liked this. To answer your question…

      YES! Our hearts really will go on. Daily, no matter what hits us at any time, and each step of the way. When we feel our hearts are dead inside…there’s still a glimmer somewhere because of someone or something that causes our hearts to purr again. Mine is surprising me these days. I can’t really put it into words. We look back and see footprints on our hearts. They haven’t been placed there to hurt or ruin, but to lead to a better place…to shelter the deepest parts just for us to rekindle at the opportune moment. You don’t recognize it until you are able to feel for a second and look back on recent days. It’s almost to re-light a path that had been buried under a mound of crap. Footprints, to lead or carry… either way a blessing and a healing force.

      As far as being the entertainer…they MADE me do it!! lol!!! It’s totally unnatural for me to be a showman. I’m the wall-flower type. I have to force myself to be a front-person, and feel like a dork, doing it. Either way, it’s something i want to do and dork or not, I have to push through the insecurities every step of the way. Every day shows more strength and pride. Every day brings new revelations of who I really am, and what is possible. thank you for your encouragement and support!! You’ll never know just what it has meant to me 😀

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