Hullabuloo… (couldn’t think of a better title)

Great white shark at Isla Guadalupe, Mexico, A...
Great white shark at Isla Guadalupe, Mexico, August 2006. Shot with Nikon D70s in Ikelite housing, in natural light. Animal estimated at 11-12 feet (3.3 to 3.6 m) in length, age unknown. Français : Photographie d’un Grand requin blanc (Carcharodon carcharias) de 3,5 mètres environ, prise à l’île Gadalupe en août 2006. Matériel : Nikon D70s dans un caisson étanche Ikelite. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An update about giving boss #2 my notice…

Everything went better than I expected. My #2 boss handled things ok. Of course, he was upset…though he didn’t yell. (Thank YOU!) He was relieved that I wasn’t planning on leaving him high and dry, and that I would give him the time to replace me. It’s going to be a difficult 2 weeks, but I’ll do it. I’ll just need some extra sleep!! 🙂 Yesterday, for instance, was a 14 1/2 hour day between both jobs, as I was called into work early RIGHT AFTER doing 4 hours with the other job. I had just gotten home, fed Myrtle the turtle (and the friggen gold fish that she’s decided are her friends) and let the dog outside. My boss called me in to help because (of course) they were short-handed. I hopped into the shower and was out the door in 1/2 an hour (in my primary job, there is no need to try to look like a beauty-queen…). I handled the long day alright, though I was pretty tired when I finally got home.

In giving my notice to boss #2, I realized something that I do habitually, which is also something that marks me as a target for abuse. I anticipate the “other foot”, the proverbial “bomb” drop, the “sh** hitting the fan”…you get it :D… and I automatically turn into the (you guessed it) jelly-fish! I’m a peacemaker by nature. some anticipation is healthy. To allow it to consume you, is most definitely NOT! As I anticipated hearing his anger, predicting what he might do and say, I automatically calmed and quieted my voice, instead of speaking with determination and confidence. I’ve learned that it’s the best way to calm the savage beast, normally. Unfortunately it also sweeps issues under the carpet until they grow, fester, and become something humongous! In my case, I believe it’s what gave my X the ability to control and manipulate me. He recognized this weakness in me, and exploited it with great cunning and skill. He knew I had a difficult time standing up for myself. I don’t like to make waves, so my chosen physical/emotional motto has been “understanding first”. As I have said, some is healthy. When it’s imbalanced and used to manipulate you, of COURSE it’s not healthy!

In my experiences and exodus over the last year, one thing I have determined is I will NEVER  ever go though that  AGAIN! I want and need to identify what makes me a visible target to this type of individual –the Psychopath/narcissist– deal with it in a healthy way, and make changes where possible. The peacemaker approach is a good one to have but, if it’s imbalanced, it becomes food for the Psychopath. He thrives on that type of person. He sees that type response as a “win” for him. Sam Vaknin calls it a source of Narcissistic Supply. I don’t know about you, but I view the “supply” as food for the psychopath…and I want to see him STARVE! The sad thing is I should have learned all of these things: how to react in a healthy way, how to stand up for myself, and especially how to carry myself with confidence in EVERY area, during my growing years. Instead, I was taught that the Man had the last word. If he’s angry, you stay quiet. Always respect other’s wishes, to the point that your needs are ignored. These are the lessons I learned. Jelly-fish. How to be a victim for the rest of your life. How to constantly be in a state of “starting over” if you DO have the guts eventually, to get away from an abusive situation.

I’ve had enough of this life-style! I have to relearn EVERYTHING I was taught, so I won’t be a target of a Psychopath ever again! So I won’t be a target of manipulation and abuse in any way, ever again.

One thing I can thank my X-monster for, is FORCING me to recognize the hard things about myself, teaching me that evil people DO exist in life, and that those evil people pray on those they perceive as WEAK. If you are naturally prone to high levels of empathy, you are MOST targeted! If you are nice, understanding, somewhat naive, and have been abused in your childhood…you can count on being targeted. The Psychopath is like the great white shark. They can smell the blood (spot those with damaged psyches) from miles away (in a crowd of people), target and attack the victim, once chosen, and enjoy a great meal (Narcissistic/Psychopathic supply).

My goal is to change enough that I’m not an obvious meal to them. So I can be just a part of the crowd…blend in with other pseudo-normal individuals. So I don’t ever have to experience that type of hell again.

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4 thoughts on “Hullabuloo… (couldn’t think of a better title)

  1. Here’s to learning how to be healthy! Recognizing the problem is the first step, and it’s huge. So much of this post describes me. You are making changes already. Good for you.

    1. It’s nice to know that others can relate. Every day, I recognize “weak” areas inside of me. Things that have just “always been”, that only made me feel odd and disjointed from the rest of normal society. I recognize (finally) just WHY these are not strengths, per-say, but weaknesses which make me a great target for abusers. I have always told people, after the big “break-up” with a boyfriend, “I swear I have this great BIG bulls-eye on my back that screams ‘All ass-holes only’. I never knew just WHY I was such an easy target. I’m beginning to understand. I’m emanating a non-spoken invitation for physical, emotional and psychological abuse, that I never thought were even a factor. I hate change. It means long, painful roads ahead. On the flip side, it also means that I’m finally becoming WHOLE! 😀

  2. This is good stuff: knowing the peace maker mentality is good, but taking it to the extreme is not so good. When you do that, that’s not peace. Because true peace is peace on both sides. 🙂 I’m glad telling your boss you were leaving went well. It will be good for you not to work two jobs (plus maintain a blog which I know is so time consuming too).
    I’m happy for you. Just breathe easy over the next two weeks. Keep on singing! 🙂

    1. I love what you said here, “…true peace is peace on both sides.” Well said! I think when I was trying (literally ALL of my life!) to maintain peace in any area, it was to shroud myself from someone else’s anger. Whether it was directed toward me, or between 2 other people. Either way, it always affected me by the way it made me afraid. I was (and still am) skilled at calming a situation, fight (between 2 others), or situation. I can usually ease tension in that type of scenario, between myself and someone else, or others. Now, I see that it wasn’t out of being the “good” person, but in order to protect myself from what I was (am) most fearful of. Hard lesson. Harder to figure out just how to change that. I’m trying to take that first step through, instead of freezing and defusing. It’s a hard decision, and even harder to implement.

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