Why am I fighting NOW?

Trial
Trial (Photo credit: ecstaticist)

There have been several changes in me, since my experience with my X-monster. Some have caused me to question, “why?”

These are my thoughts… For that full year of nothing short of Hell, my X calculatedly and decidedly tried to absolutely DESTROY me from the inside, out. He tried (and succeeded for a time) to kill my confidence in every area… not limited to, but including confidence in speaking to others. I mean saying ANYTHING. I second-guessed everything that was coming out of my mouth. Silence…he painstakingly tried to make sure I was afraid to say anything to anyone…anywhere. Especially at work. He had me to the point that I couldn’t take a step without fear. I couldn’t be in my home, car, shopping, talking to friends, ANYTHING, without looking over my shoulder. I couldn’t speak a word without having to comb over it with a fine-toothed comb, to make sure nothing was said that would or could be twisted by him, and used against me at any given time. I failed in this, by the way, as he could and did twist everything.

One of the things about my experience that has been echoing in my head and heart are the memories of how he made me feel, look and sound when I was alone or with others. How I felt about myself. How defeated I was, and utterly so.

When I fought HARD to get away from him (finally), I believe it put him into a state of panic, since he absolutely KNEW what he was doing, trying to do…and he LOST! He failed 😀 He also knew (as I told him) my natural inclination of coming back fighting, when I grow tired of mistreatment or abuse. It took me a long time to reach that point. I didn’t get in his face, but the chosen avenue was SOOO much better! He knew I would expose him and I DID. All he has left are the pieces of his attempts staring him in his face. They scream back at him, proverbially, “YOU F’ING FAILURE!!” and he can’t STAND IT! Why is he trying soo hard to turn people against me, now? It’s all he has left to try to control my thoughts and emotions. He’s trying to cause me to be afraid, still. Not happening!

You see, I’m STILL fighting…and WINNING!

Every day, when I feel that familiar pang of fear or discouragement, it reminds me of EVERYTHING he tried to do to me, and cause to erupt inside of me. It makes me angry, and more determined to PROVE HIM WRONG! So, I step where I haven’t before. I have learned to hate the fear that was my closest confidant when growing up. I hate it, plain and simple. It reminds me of his controlled, controlling and twisted nature. It reminds me of everything he did to me, and the patient, calculated steps he took to do it all. He was trying to brainwash me for whatever reason. I caught on to his ultimate goal for me, and started SWINGING.

I am NOT the defeated person he tried to portray. I am NOT the weak individual that he tried to convince me of. I am NOTHING that he tried to force me to believe. Daily, I set out to PROVE him to be…UNDENIABLY, 100% FULL OF POOPY!!!

You see, he actually did me some good in the long run. Before, I was paralyzed by fear (at times) when I saw something I wanted for myself. Afraid of trying. Afraid of my own shadow and others’ anger toward me. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of being anything other than a whipped puppy dog.

He made me hate my own weaknesses to the point that when I feel that “fear” or “discouragement”, I instantly stand taller, dig in my heels and FIGHT BACK! You see, he gave my own weaknesses an evil face. His.

Without him I would never have found that courage.

Believe me, I don’t have any sort of respect or admiration for the Monster, and what he’s allowed to come out of me in the end. I hate him for it. There…I actually was able to SAY it! I HATE HIM FOR IT! It was through his abuse and hurting me, that I have been given the ability to FIGHT BACK!

I’ll probably always be in this fight. Proving him wrong. Not allowing him to win…EVER. Every day is a decided step. Every day is a bit unbalanced, yet I am finding more balance (I think).

This is apparently another step in the healing process. Eventually, I will outline each phase. Maybe that will be my “one-year” post.

Believe it or not, I hate each day that I have to take those steps. It’s not the actual “steps” that I am taking, but the fact that I’m doing it out of anger, instead of the goal of bettering myself…though that WILL be the outcome either way. It’s because I still see his face, hear his voice…his taunts, his attacks, his attempts at changing my thinking and views of him, myself and everything in between. It’s because HE IS STILL (in a small way) controlling me that I’m fighting back. In that, I hate this part of the process. I want to feel confidence in each step, rather than the potential defeat looming in the background, if I don’t. I don’t want it to always be ME proving him WRONG that I decide to try anything.

If I don’t end this post now, it’ll go on forever. The end.

peace 😀

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9 thoughts on “Why am I fighting NOW?

  1. I think that’s the real best revenge: You take the ugliness they created in your life, and you create your own beautiful without them. Go you!

    1. Judy, I’m not sure what to call it. If it was revenge, there would be more pride involved. I just hate what he created inside of me to the point that I rebel against it at every turn. If I feel fear or discouragement, it reminds me SOO MUCH of how I felt that whole year, it almost makes me nauseous when I do feel like that. The only option I have is to push back in the opposite direction. He tries to cause fear to the point that I’m paralized by it…I push forward in order to keep from feeling like that. A feeling and memory I can’t stand. Not real sure how to describe that. The end result will be a beautiful life. More so than I have ever experienced. Reaching that point will be rapturous. Until then, it is what it is. I’ll just keep pushing back :D. I do feel some pride when I see my fears melt when I step. Tootles 🙂

      1. You’re right about revenge having more pride involved. Revenge is a destructive tool that does more harm to the person bent on it, than to the person for whom it’s intended.

        I’d call it choosing to live your life on your terms. Awesome.

        1. You are most definitely right about that one! I didn’t realize that’s what I’ve been doing lately…choosing to live life on MY terms. That’s a good feeling, in spite of everything else. It’s about time that I did that. Thanks for this. time for bed, for me. Good night 🙂

  2. Paula

    I agree 100% with Judy. You are so close. Soon, none of your posts will be about him. Just about how happy and wonderful you are. You’ll forget why you initially started writing your blog in the first place. You will be transformed!!

    1. thank you, Paula. I still see and feel areas that need so much more, in order to know I’m whole again. Until then, gains are being made irregardless of the reasons. I just have to be happy with the fact that they are GOOD changes in the long run. I would love to see that day when each time I feel “whatever”, I don’t have to be reminded of that time. You’re great! Thanks 😀

  3. You wrote: I’ll probably always be in this fight. Proving him wrong.
    I don’t believe you will always be in this fight. You know that having this fight is part of the healing and as you keep healing, you won’t have to prove him wrong anymore. He will be a non-issue.
    And I agree with Paula, you will get to the point where none of your posts will have him in it, and you will be entirely free of him! And isn’t that why you started writing!? Keep on writing!

    1. Thanks Bethany 😀

      I know that this is yet ‘another’ stage in this healing process, though this bruise (if it can be called that) sets pretty deep. I can already see some signs that any significance he ever had in my life, or the pain he caused, is already dwindling some. Those experiences don’t seem to be so far on the fore-front anymore. I still find myself questioning everything and trying to understand the ‘monster’ he is, at times though I know that no amount of understanding will ever cause anything regarding him, or what he caused, to finally settle inside of me. I just have to continue trying to accept it, and push forward. Some of my steps are stunted, but still…I keep moving. If I stop, life stops and he wins. Can’t let that happen. Thank you for all your encouragement!

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