I started this blog in the hopes that I might be able to find a way to heal from the abuse of a Psychopath. I wanted to find ‘like-minded’ individuals, so I could know I wasn’t alone…others who had been through exactly what I had. I found them…YOU…in spades! Not only have I found other survivors of Narc/Psych abuse, but our experiences amazingly mirror eachother’s and strangely so. I was shocked, amazed and relieved, all at the same time.
Through reading and interacting with other bloggers here, my healing has taken on so many different directions. My journey isn’t just in the shadow of a Psychopath. It’s all-encompassing.
Judy’s post this morning is one that sparked a moment of rememberance (if it’s not a word, it most definitely SHOULD be! lol) http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/the-story-continues/. She and I have a lot of things in common. Not in the “we both like peanut butter” kind of way, but in our experiences, how trauma has affected both of us, and the descriptions she uses, are some I can understand. The amazing thing, is I am beginning to remember more than I have in years. I have a vast space of literally YEARS that I can’t remember. I have always been ashamed of that, and have never admitted it to anyone. I thought something was wrong with me, all these years. In a nut shell, the reason I can’t remember, is it’s tied to extreme anxiety. I lost the ability to handle extreme anxiety at a young age. Her post brought back a memory I had lost, all in her descriptions of herself. She wrote this in her post; ” I didn’t see the point of bringing up stuff that was all my fault. I couldn’t bear the thought of having any more blame laid at my feet. The burden was already so heavy.” I remember this all to well, now. How that felt, then. So much fear that I couldn’t process… I buried it away into the deepest recesses…wherever that was. Eventually I will remember the scenarios surrounding that quote above. Right now, my heart and mind remember. The events are a hazy shadow.
This journey has proven to be more than I bargained for. I want to change in ways that I won’t be a meal for a psychopath/Narcissist, ever again. That involves getting into the cob-web recesses of my heart, soul, and psyche, in order to dredge up old scars that have never been taken care of. It’s these scars that allow for the predator to pick us out of a crowd. They smell meat…even though it’s dead and rotted (in a way). To them, that translates to “weak” and “vulnerable”. A perfect target of prey. Not again.
There is something pulling me in these needed directions of healing. If it were completely up to me, I wouldn’t dredge this shit back up, in the first place. Yet…here we are. Not a fun time, I can assure you.
I am including all of you in each step… and this one is a biggy. Wonder where THIS road leads!