My journey…

Diamonds On the InsideI started this blog in the hopes that I might be able to find a way to heal from the abuse of a Psychopath. I wanted to find ‘like-minded’ individuals, so I could know I wasn’t alone…others who had been through exactly what I had. I found them…YOU…in spades! Not only have I found other survivors of Narc/Psych abuse, but our experiences amazingly mirror eachother’s and strangely so. I was shocked, amazed and relieved, all at the same time.

Through reading and interacting with other bloggers here, my healing has taken on so many different directions. My journey isn’t just in the shadow of a Psychopath. It’s all-encompassing.

Judy’s post this morning is one that sparked a moment of rememberance (if it’s not a word, it most definitely SHOULD be! lol) http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/the-story-continues/. She and I have a lot of things in common. Not in the “we both like peanut butter” kind of way, but in our experiences, how trauma has affected both of us, and the descriptions she uses, are some I can understand. The amazing thing, is I am beginning to remember more than I have in years. I have a vast space of literally YEARS that I can’t remember. I have always been ashamed of that, and have never admitted it to anyone. I thought something was wrong with me, all these years. In a nut shell, the reason I can’t remember, is it’s tied to extreme anxiety. I lost the ability to handle extreme anxiety at a young age. Her post brought back a memory I had lost, all in her descriptions of herself. She wrote this in her post; ” I didn’t see the point of bringing up stuff that was all my fault. I couldn’t bear the thought of having any more blame laid at my feet. The burden was already so heavy.” I remember this all to well, now. How that felt, then. So much fear that I couldn’t process… I buried it away into the deepest recesses…wherever that was. Eventually I will remember the scenarios surrounding that quote above. Right now, my heart and mind remember. The events are a hazy shadow.

This journey has proven to be more than I bargained for. I want to change in ways that I won’t be a meal for a psychopath/Narcissist, ever again. That involves getting into the cob-web recesses of my heart, soul, and psyche, in order to dredge up old scars that have never been taken care of. It’s these scars that allow for the predator to pick us out of a crowd. They smell meat…even though it’s dead and rotted (in a way). To them, that translates to “weak” and “vulnerable”. A perfect target of prey. Not again.

There is something pulling me in these needed directions of healing. If it were completely up to me, I wouldn’t dredge this shit back up, in the first place. Yet…here we are. Not a fun time, I can assure you.

I am including all of you in each step… and this one is a biggy. Wonder where THIS road leads!

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10 thoughts on “My journey…

  1. When I came home from Thailand, I could remember practically nothing from before my time there. It was unsettling. People would talk to me, and I didn’t know who they were. They’d tell me how much they appreciated all my letters. What letters? Entire events no longer existed in my memory. Years disappeared. Over the years, some of the memories came back, but many have never returned. And some I wish had stayed in the dark. You’re becoming healthier. Go you!

    1. In writing your new story, I’ll bet you’ll start remembering more. I’m finding that, as well. Through your writing, as well as my own. You too are becoming healthier! “Go YOU” right back atcha 😀

  2. I know first hand you must dredge up every bit of cob web covered memory, each instance of abuse, process it, grieve for the person in you that it happened to, and then – let it go. It takes so much hard work, mental exhaustion, bucket loads of tears, and great support from a therapist and family, but healing really can happen for you.

    1. The process I’ve been in this past year has been moving with one solid goal. Healing. It’s almost like I have been unable to do any of this without my experiences with my X-monster. He was/is evil, yet without what I have gone through, I wouldn’t be seeing these doors opening. I had to go through that in order to move another mountain. What a friggen conundrum! What amazes me, is (though this would absolutely drive the guy CRAZY to know) some good has come from his evil. Whoda Thunk? thank you for your encouragement! 🙂

  3. Awesome! We are only vulnerable to the deeds of narcs and sociopaths and psychopaths if we allow our shame and secrets to over shadow our goodness. The more we project an acceptance of who we are and where we came from, the more we will repel the monsters. After all, they are naturally pathetic creatures looking for company to abuse. Great post!

    1. Well said, Paula!!

      There are a few things I have learned through all of my time with the monster and the months, following.. First, they identify us by being “expert” or “trained” observers. They recognize the traits of someone who has been abused in the past (we already have damaged psyches), or someone who was at least raised to be co-dependent. We become the “weak” animals, fit to be their prey. Once they have us, they exploit those weaknesses in such a way that they can further the process…brainwashing us to become agreeable and controllable. I have heard the term “psychological rape”. That’s exactly what it is, but first the easy target needs to be identified. The Narcissist or Psychopath then seeks to slaughter us psychologically and emotionally. The process, the implementation of it as well as SEEING it WORK, feeds their demand for “supply”. He exploited every piece of weakness and ammunition he could make up or dredge up, and created what I am, today. He made the weak areas, weaker. The only way I see to make him starve, or others like him is to end the weakness inside of me. Especially that which he created. In each area I recognize, I MUST take steps to correct it. I have a blank page in front of me, with no instructions as to just HOW to do that. The only thing i know for certain is, IT MUST BE DONE!! I am still recognizing areas that he has taken from me. Things that made me uniquely, me. I don’t know if I’ll ever see those areas come back, but I have to try. I have to eradicate his foot print. I have to erase his handy-work. Otherwise, he will always be in control, in one way or another.

  4. Wow–this makes me wonder what happened and when to cause you to squelch your memory. I’m reading this thinking what you mean is that even before the psychopath came into your life, you experienced things that made you feel shame and therefore “forgot” all of them. Is that right? I hate thinking that you have to bring these things back up and essentially live through them again. But if it will lead to your healing and to freedom from being preyed on in the future, then I think it’s good. But I’m no therapist, that’s for sure. I think you need a lot of support as you go through this. Keep writing. It seems you get a lot of that support through this blog. I for one will keep coming back as it is refreshing to witness first hand, as it happens, this transformation that you are going through. I have already seen and been witness to the strides that you have made and it truly is inspiring. 🙂

    1. I think the main thing with me, though I was abused as a child, was being afraid of someone’s anger…especially when there was no warning. Mostly that of my father’s. I learned to fear it so much that I was conditioned (very young) to disassociate myself, almost entirely from the situation or the anger itself. When I perceived a situation in which my dad could become angry, I found a “quiet” place inside that I could shield myself in. Growing up, that has become more of a natural thing for me, in that I have almost no control over it. I desensitize myself so much to severe stress, that i don’t remember much surrounding the event that caused me to be fearful. As a result of my over-sensitivity to that, I don’t remember very much of my child hood, or growing up. The things I DO remember, I remember vividly…dates, times, phone numbers, etc…that most people wouldn’t be able to remember. For example…I remember my phone number when I was 8 years old. I’m 45, now. I remember a license plate to a car that my husband and I owned, 20 years ago. Maybe I’ll write a post some time about the desensitization, and what I’ve been able to endure, because of it. Strangely so. Some things that would cause others to be in “fight or flight” mode…my pulse stayed at a calm 60 bpm.

      Some things need to be brought back into the light, because I covered them when I was a child or as an adult. I believe I am stronger now, and can handle facing them again. I won’t intentionally bring anything up, myself. It’ll have to happen naturally. Yes, I believe it’s IMPERATIVE to dredge (or deal with, naturally) up the hard experiences, in order to help heal ourselves, and to never be a victim again, to any abuser. It’s important. it’ll heal the still seeping scars, that these predators so skillfully sniff out in potential prey. It’s imperative to rebuild our psychological and emotional muscles. The time is NOW! Not “tomorrow”. Tomorrow keeps us afraid. Today, is being tackled here and now. Strength comes from Today, not something in the future.

        1. To go back to something you said in your earlier comment..”It seems you get a lot of that support through this blog.”.. Yes, this blog is my primary source of support. It’s invaluable in helping my healing process. Meeting and talking with everyone who has been through this, has definitely helped me. I had to do something. My counselor that I was seeing, though she was caring and a wonderful person, really couldn’t understand the why’s and what-for’s of why I was saying the things I did. She had never been through a life with a psychopath. I was never able to feel like she really understood. Yet, she was all I had at the time. When I stopped seeing her, I was left very much alone in my turmoil. So.. I started writing and reading other’s suggested blogs. I found like-minded people who had been through this, and are finding ways to get past it. Those people…Judy, Phoenix-Rising, Rootstoblossom, Colee112, Paula, and several more…quickly became my life’s-blood in the process. Its still on-going. I’m continuing to learn and find ways to grow past everything. When I say things with enthusiasm in comments, it’s because it’s something new I had learned and I’m letting it sink solidly in. Such as: Now vs. Tomorrow…it was something I realized right then and there. You are a blessing! Thank you 😀

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