Taking a few smiles with me


I can’t say that my memories of this duplex will bring very many smiles…except of my daughter and granddaughter.

This move is going to be a little bitter-sweet.

My grandbaby came to live with us when she was 2. Due to circumstances, her great grandmother was taking care of her, having temporary custody. The woman has a tendency to be possessive…especially of the wee ones. She refused to let her be home with her mother. It was nothing that my daughter was doing that would cause someone to take custody of her daughter, from her. There was no court order…just a verbal agreement between them, that my buttercup would come home once the situation settled down for my daughter. She was ready, my grandbaby needed to be home…the other grandma refused. Just a small stretch of that history.

It was in this duplex that we spent our first holiday together…just the 3 of us. My granddaughter was 2. We wanted to take her trick-or-treating, which was only a couple of weeks after we got her home. By the time we made it to pick out a costume, most were picked through…unless she wanted to go as Batman!! Naw…I didn’t think so…

Cowgirl!

She looked adorable in her little chaps, vest, cowgirl hat and boots. Not to mention the stuffed bunny she clung to as her faithful sidekick. Of course I took a TON of pictures! I, since I have had my own, babysat a few in my day, knew what kids do… I only had to wait for just the right moment…

There!!

Finger!

Nose…

“Snap” 😀 “Got It!”…and I walked away with pride, as every grandmother should!

Then there are the times that my daughter was at work, and I baby sat. My little buttercup would crawl up in my lap, or sit next to me and hold my hand. Every now and then, I would get a smooch on my arm.

The stories…either the ones I would read to her, or the precious ones she would tell me…

The times that she fell asleep on my lap, or when she would pick one of the neighbor’s flowers for me (oops)! She really IS that sweet and tender hearted.

I’ll miss waking up to my sweet grandbaby.

The other day she woke up while I was packing. She asked (now 4) ‘Are you moving, Grandma?’ I said, “Yes, baby”…I saw her choke back a little when she said, “But I won’t get to see you anymore…”. About broke my heart! I assured her that I would only be across town and she will be coming to stay with me, and will have her own room! She was pretty excited about that. Tears gone… only an uncertain smile was left.

Then there’s the dog. Oh the DOG! lol!! She’s a cocker spaniel mix. Very loving and sweet, not to mention smart as a whip! She hates change. I’m already seeing her pouting. She’s sleeping on my bed as I’m writing this. She’s forced herself under my blankets on several occasions…then there are the times she would sneak up behind me, lay her head on my shoulder…and stay there.

My daughter…I love my girl! I worry about her, incessantly! She hates me for that, I think. We haven’t had the best of times, as mother and daughter should. There have been some rocky times, that’s for sure. Her birthday was on the 24th, and we had a small cake and ice-cream party for her. I tried to sing her ‘happy birthday’, but my voice has been shot the past few days (went singing karaoke the night before). The more I tried, the less my voice sounded normal…

“happy (sqeak) birthday to youOuOu…” She laughed at me. I laughed, sang even worse… it was fun 🙂

It’s still been tough at times, having her living with me the past couple of years, but I have been able to watch her mature some, take care of my granddaughter, and grow. I’m grateful for that.

I’m happy to be moving into my own home…but I’ll be missing my WHOLE family!

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Things I’m going to miss about my apartment/duplex…


Ok…

let me think about it a minute….

I know there’s SOME-thing….

Something I like about this place….

Neighbors 10 feet from my front door??

Nope…

Screaming sirens 4-6 times a night??

Ummm nope…

How about the drug addicts causing problems around me??

Nope….

The Jack-ass that works next door??

Oh HELL NO!

Hmmmmm…………….

not a damned thing!!!!!

 

Wow!!


This dialog that I’m posting is an example of when you ‘step back’ in a situation, and can see the whole picture. We had already broken up, yet he was still trying to keep me trapped. After all, it worked so well in the past. I continued to talk to him for a time. He had my daughter’s things in his garage. He offered, as a way to show her how he was  the ‘good’ guy (before that, he had nothing good to say about her, and tried to keep my daughter and I apart). In the end, it was the only thing that was keeping us tied, even remotely. I continued to placate him, trying to find some way to diplomatically get rid of him. I had my job to think about, etc. In the end, the best option was to RUNNNN!!! And I did.

Prior to this point, I made a decision to stop listening to his crap. I stayed away for over a month…though he kept finding reasons to come around my place. I would come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t be there with him, or why I couldn’t spend time with him. It was all in the attempt to separate myself emotionally from him. I knew that was the only way I could get away, in the end. I was able to pay attention, more, once I stayed away more. I was able to recognize the manipulation and blatant brainwashing attempts, and I also was reminded that I held the cards, while talking to him on the phone. For all of you…you have the tools…HANG UP every time he tries his shit. I did. I also walked away, turned my back, refused to talk, refused any time…refused to listen or accept anything from him any longer. Is your monster still buying you things? Even car parts that you may or may not need?? It’s more ammo for him to use against you. DON’T ALLOW IT ANY LONGER!! Not even a candy bar!!!

I had no idea how much I knew, even before I ran from him. We had been broken up for a month and a half, at this point. Only a week later, did I realize just HOW dangerous he really was… this is a REAL dialog, saved in my emails. Names have been changed to keep from ‘public defamation of “character”, though we know he has no REAL character…only what he needs to APPEAR however he needs to at any given time.

It’s amazing how much you can see, when you step outside the pile… Even before ridding yourself completely of the psychopath…

I resent the original to him, here:

“Wow, did you even read that email? That’s not at all what was said. I’ll include it here:

“Ok…you want me to respond, I’ll respond…

When I voice my opinion (which isn’t my opinion, it’s generally how you make me feel), I don’t ridicule, judge or slam (intentionally). When you voice you’re “opinion”, it’s judgments, ridicule, and absolute attempts at manipulation. How am I doing? Feeling more like myself every day, thank you. Who is living in denial? The one who thinks going back to everything above will make it all “better” for me…when in all actuality, the only one who will benefit would be YOU. You think that the first thing that goes, which is the beginning of the absolute “end”, is intimacy. You couldn’t be more wrong, here. The first thing that goes is usually when the woman no longer feels secure in the relationship. This is usually the result of endless cruel taunts, and judgmental statements (other tactics are used too), intended to make the woman feel “less than”. Then goes the intimacy. I haven’t felt secure for months, with you. More than that, I’ve felt and been THREATENED! Each time I’ve opened my mouth to you, has given you more options
to use for ammo at a later (or sometimes, sooner) date. Want examples?? Think back to EVERYTHING you decided to say to me tonight, while we were sitting on the steps (I suppose you don’t remember). The lack of intimacy is causing more harm for me? Sounds like another vain manipulative technique to me, in order to convince me that having sex with you will make it “all better” for “me”, (aka: YOU). The end result? You can get “off” while maintaining your supposed integrity. Me? I’ll just be a tool for you. There are many things I can say to that one, as well as every other thing you said to me tonight. You’re pissed?? I couldn’t imagine why… I didn’t do anything to piss you OFF!! Except that I said “good-night”. I was as cordial as I could be in telling you I had heard enough. Though I suppose I really pissed you off, now. C’est la vie. Tie up loose ends? Again, C’est la vie. I don’t want, nor do I expect or need an apology from you. Tired of hearing them, to be perfectly honest. They have been half-hearted, blow-hard attempts at easing the situation, or offering a temporary pacifier for me. . You care? Naw…you’re just looking for another angle…

I see you..”

Sex has been your MAIN subject for being manipulative, as of late. Though it hasn’t been your only manipulative angle. I’ve asked myself why you’ve REALLY been in this, several times over the past year. It isn’t just for the sex, which couldn’t be more obvious. It isn’t because you love me (you’re words toward me have shown more contempt over the last year than LOVE). Sometimes the obvious only alludes me because I don’t want to believe it…I’m an easy target. You view women as an object/entity that deserves to be put down and controlled. Destroying a woman’s self-worth, is the best/easiest way to achieve this…but you already knew that, didn’t you? You chose me, not only because you thought I was pretty (Who wants something that isn’t nice looking?), but because you thought the job would be an easy one. I was “obviously hurt”, as you put it. The “easy job/target” usually comes pre-bruised, with a damaged psyche and heart. You just stepped into someone-else’s foot prints, and decided to try to finish the job. Women aren’t to be partners with. They are to be kept under the thumb, and made to understand their true PLACE in the relationship. Isn’t that right,? You stayed in this, because you didn’t want to start over with someone else. After all, you had already put so much time and hard work into what you presumed to be your final masterpiece.

You’re shallow enough to go out for nothing but sex. You’re also arrogant and shallow enough to think that is the only thing that should be needed to keep your “dream woman”. Buying her everything, to you, is just added insurance that she won’t leave you. You forget, you aren’t the only carp. You also aren’t the only man who has ever tried this. Unfortunately, I’m also not the only woman to have ever been targeted. I’ve been an easy target for you. That, I’m ashamed of. It was loud and clear from the beginning but I believed you loved me, also. I believed you’re whole goal wasn’t to hurt me and mold me into your “perfect woman” image… I hate being wrong, but hate being RIGHT even more.”

 (The end of our conversation on the steps was when he informed me that all of the ridicule, judgmental statements, and out-right calling me ‘crazy’, was what I “needed”. after all he was “helping me”…I told him good night, turned away from him and left him standing there…)

This was literally DAYS before I went to management…filing a restraining order…catching him in a scheme to catch me in what he presumed was a lie, just before discovering that he was STILL stalking my home in the middle of the night.

I went through this with absolutely NO plan, other than understanding that I was emotionally and psychologically trapped. I understood that in order to get away, I would have to sever the emotional side. I picked several fights, before this, trying to get HIM to break up with me. It was what I wanted. It didn’t work. This was the only other option that I could see (separating myself emotionally by spending less and less time with him, talking on the phone, etc.) When we spent time together, it was MY call, in MY home and on MY OWN terms, free to end it as I saw the need. It’s amazing how the veil came off as a result.

Maybe you can relate to this, or find some ideas for you OWN situation if you are still struggling with being free from your psych/narc.

The Big Day…


My count-down indicates that today is my “One Year” mark. The beginning of the end of hell, torment, abuse by a Psychopath…I should say “direct” abuse…but non-the-less…today is a wonderful day!! The day I actually broke up with him was June 19th. June 25, is when I made the decided CHOICE to NEVER listen to his psychological mumbo-jumbo, again!! A great, moment-by-moment strengthening day!

I learned the power of the “end call” button. I learned the power of being passive-aggressive and casually walking away from him when he’d start in, trying to ‘matter of factly’ speak to me about my ‘mental’ issues, and how HE was the ONLY one who tried to help me through it. Mental issues??? (please pardon the profanity here..but it’s needed) To him, now, I say, “FUCK you!!” I said it in other ways, then. I took control of the conversation when he tried to convince me of how unstable I was. When he tried to convince me that all of “our” problems were because I had “past relationship” issues.

He expected me to forget the fact that he used “out of the blue” attacks to keep me feeling unbalanced, teetering and afraid at every turn. Every time I tried to have fun with him, jokingly, he would snap back about something…anything…completely unrelated. He left me wondering “what the hell just happened, here?!”… Then the silent treatment. Or better yet, “you don’t exist” treatment. Yep, that was out of the blue, too. Usually in a time that we had planned for. Just hours before, he would express how he looked forward to spending time with me. I would show up… then…’nothing’. I would try to talk to him…’nothing’. I would sit next to him on the couch… nothing. He sat, stiff as a board, staring straight ahead…’nothing’. A few times, I just got my stuff together and left. Other times, I sat there feeling like I did something to provoke this, and trying to get him to talk to me. It was his plan, as I later learned.

Then, also out of the blue, he would come back, feigning concern, “I know you have been upset. I just wanted to do something nice for you” and pull out a new gift, pretending to “care” about my feelings that HE ALONE created…though he tried incessantly to ‘nicely’ talk to me about my ‘delusions’ and ’emotional/mental’ issues!

Here I go again, glorifying the monster. He does that enough, by himself.

Today, I want to talk about what is left. Contrary to what ever belief is “out there”, the only power he has over me is…well, it just ISN’T anymore. He spreads lies about me, gaining whatever “Awww…I’m sorry…” he can get from co-workers and family that he’s CONNED into believing a lie. He uses the other cashier as a pawn…never the less, a WILLING pawn. I see her in the same light…. THEY are a waste of my time, draining, and worthless.

I realized the other day, how I thought of pity toward the monster. Then I realized why…HE’S A FOOL!! HE’S ALONE IN HIS LIES, as the Narcissist that is aiding him. They both look like the minute organisms they are. Big mouths, no hearts in them, and…ehh…HEMMM…. NO FRIENDS!!!! They are alone in this world. Very alone.

I picked myself up by my boot-straps, when the time came and I was strong enough, then forged ahead…fighting to keep from looking back. Moving my feet…. I was continuously afraid, at first. That changed. I was continuously aware of ‘potential’ threats by him, co-workers, and anything around the corner (as he stalked me continuously). Today? I don’t want to provoke anything, as I am still very much aware of his potential…even that which I never saw… but, I know he can’t hurt me anymore. I mock him, inside. The tightrope I was teetering on, broke and I fell into a waiting train car, loaded with everything I LOVE. The “proverbial bomb” I waited for every day, blew up somewhere in his OWN mind. It never came for me again.

I am finding happiness again, succeeding in ways I never thought possible, and able to have pride in myself.

I don’t know what lies around the next corner. Here’s that ‘unknown’ thing again, that has always had me paralyzed in the past. Then? I would be frozen in step, averting the oncoming, unknown demons… Today? I face them head-on. The demons, the unknowns, aren’t so scary when you face them. Generally, I’ve learned that they are there for you to fight through to get to the “better” thing. Life. Hope. Little (or big) personal successes.

Above all, I have a greater sense of PEACE!!

 

Life begins NOW


Life begins NOW

Such a great reminder, I just had to share it. When we are out of a relationship or situation involving a psychopath, sociopath or narcissist…regardless WHO left whom… it’s the beginning of a life on OUR terms. We decide what we want to keep, throw away or what we want to build in ourselves. We are left with a mud-covered, though blank slate. We make our lives from here. LOVE IT!

For those of you, fresh out of a psychologically abusive relationship


The beginning stages of healing, after getting out of a relationship with a “cluster-B” (as I have recently learned about..which includes narcissists, psych/sociopaths, etc)…I won’t lie to you and tell you its “easy” or “a short battle” because, frankly, it’s pure hell. In fact, it’s every bit as excruciating, for a time, as the hell you just got out of. The difference is, it’s the pain of processing, moving forward and HEALING. JUST DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF, DURING THIS PROCESS!!!

When I escaped my Monster, I had a few driving facts echoing around me and inside of me, which really HAS helped me to keep the drive to keep fighting through the torment left by my X:

  • Freedom!!! I compared my life that year, to my idea of the proverbial, biblical account of a place called “hell”. A place where the ungodly go. Eternal punishment, damnation, etc. etc. Hell didn’t sound so bad, after I left him. The constant thought (and I was elated!!!) I had was, I lived through REAL hell, REAL torment, REAL EVIL, fought to be free and WON! Every bad experience I could ever go through, or had ever gone through, paled in comparison!! I looked into the eyes of evil, and lived. I walked (ran) away, gaining my freedom, which I lost for a little over a year. The sun never looked so beautiful. The smells and sounds around me became their own music. I couldn’t imagine heaven being much better than this! you are free!!! Accept this for yourself, breath it, live it, love every minute from this point forward!
  • Recognize that the thoughts in your mind, especially in the early days, are not YOUR OWN! Don’t let yourself forget how he tormented you, drilling into your mind EVERY belittling word…calling you ‘delusional’, ‘juvenile’, ‘stupid’, or even trying to convince you that everything was your fault for what ever reason. recognize that these aren’t YOUR thoughts…DON’T CARRY THEM! They are carefully placed, drilled and conditioned to be a PART of his CALCULATED attempts to control everything about you, who you are, your thoughts and actions. It was a sick game of his, wasn’t it? 
  • Once you have recognized what are actually HIS lies, mulling around in your psyche…take steps to silence them…SILENCE HIM…for good. Find something positive…anything…to replace those thoughts with. With practice, it will become easier, I assure you! I found positive affirmations helped with this. With time, you will be surprised at how seldom you are hearing his voice. You’ll notice changes and improvements in days.
  • Read, read, read…learn, learn, learn: Don’t fear your questions of “how”, or “why”…or even “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??” If you get an “I wonder…” research the subject. Understanding what you have been through, and what exactly you had DEALT with…the name of the Monster, etc. to the best of your ability, really IS recommended. You might feel like you’ve become obsessed. In a way, that’s true…so was I. But (through reading) I learned that it’s called the “understanding” phase. You aren’t the only one who has ever been in this spot! Read, and learn…it’ll give you some peace to understand as much as you can. Don’t get discouraged if it isn’t completely settled inside of you. You have been through absolute hell, with someone who’s sick, twistedness is such that you could NEVER have dreamed of or imagined in you worst nightmares. You won’t be able to completely understand everything you have been through, but soon  you will be ok with it. 
  • Seek support: I was still alone in everything when I escaped. I thought and knew I sounded crazy when I went to co-workers for help. All they heard from me was a whole lot of information, mixed with begging. Information that no one can possibly fathom, unless they have been through it themselves. In the attempt to ask for help, I inadvertently affirmed everything my X was telling them… They believe(d) that I really WAS/am crazy! One of the best things I could have done is begin my blog. The fact that you are reading this, means you are on the right road!!!
The final thing you need to accept for yourself, and you WILL realize while researching is…and this truly is the most important part…
you are not alone anymore
you are not alone anymore
Should I repeat that for you??

you are not alone anymore!!!!!

You have made it this far!! You are STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE…

I am here for you, as is everyone else here.

It gets easier, i PROMISE you 😀

Then vs. Now


Welp, 4 more days until I get the keys to my new home. 4 more days until I can walk to my car without a thought of whether my x-monster is watching me or not. 4 more days…

June 25, 2011…my journal says that is when I “broke up with him”. I broke up with him on Father’s day, that year! I think what I was talking about in my journal entry was, it was the last day I would cater to his f’ed up mental influx. His trash pile. Either way, it was my last day that I listened to him at ALL! The next few weeks would bring a roller-coaster… him panicking because he knew he lost, but he tried to pour it on THICK, anyway…”you need help”, “I’m the only one who has ever tried to help you through this”… As always, my mental retort was, “you caused this, ass-hole!”. He lied, again. My friend (one in particular) has ALWAYS been there for me. She has been a shoulder for me, a drinking and singing friend, and a strong-arm when I needed one. This time…though she offered…this one was MY battle. In order to get away, I had to do my OWN fighting. One of the last things that was said between us: I told him that it would be nice to hear something encouraging. He said, “You don’t need that. I’m giving you what you need…I’m HELPING you!” All I said to him in response, was; “I think I’m going to say good-night now” and turned and walked away, leaving him standing there. I really WAS ‘that’ calm. He yelled at me, all the way to his car. “You’re delusional! Go ahead and live in denial…you need help!” and it continued…I could hear him, still…though I shut the door. Shut him out…for good.

5 days went by, then I received a call from him. He immediately started in on the mental bs. I hung up on him. He’d call back. I hung up again…he called back, saying I was “juvenile”. I threatened a restraining order if he continued to call. He started texting my phone. Yes I saved EVERY text!  He tried one last attempt to cause me to be afraid, still. He said that a little birdy told him that I was already seeing someone, and that I was hanging all over the guys at work. That in itself told me that WHOEVER the little ‘birdy’ was, had no CLUE about me, what was going on, and had a love for gossip. That person built up the fact that I joke with EVERY one at work, and told my X (actually, now that I think about it, HE’S the one that twisted whatever was said, to turn it into ammo he might be able to use). I went to management and told them about EVERYTHING! He wanted me to still stay quiet, by making me believe he had someone “watching” me at work.

I know I sounded crazy to them. It sounded crazy to me. I told them he was attempting to utilize the final steps of brainwashing (yeah, I said it to them). Told them he’d kept me quiet for over a year, and afraid of my own shadow. I even told them about the little “birdy”. Now, I think  I’ve figured out who the little birdy was. My Narcissistic co-worker…the OTHER cashier! There’s another story, that will wait til later.

My neighbors told me that he was STILL driving by my home, through the complex, at all hours of the night. Just a few days before that, I also caught him in an attempt to set up a scheme which included me, and another co-worker. It was centered in jealousy. He didn’t believe that I had never gone out with the other guy, even after my monster and I broke up in January. He was trying to get me to say something negative about that co-worker, so he could go and tell him about it…under the guise of the “hero”, and get the scoop on me, from him. I caught him and called him on what he had originally said vs. the facts. He called me a liar, delusional, etc etc etc…oh yea, “YOU NEED HELP!”. I realized how extremely dangerous my X REALLY was, then…coupled with my neighbor’s accounts…I filed for an emergency restraining order. I took copies to my manager, who sent copies to my X’s manager… Court…I lost. But, it got him to disappear. To leave me alone. I won, really.

A week went by, after I filed the restraining order. I got an email from him. All it said was, “Hi”. I called the police. I knew his boss showed the order to him, when he got it, though he managed to elude being served the papers. The police knocked on his door that night to serve him. He didn’t answer, so they talked to his NEIGHBORS! Yep, every one of them who HATED him already… He complained in court that I made him look bad to his neighbors. Nope, his ass-hole-ism, and controlling crap, caused everyone around him to hate him.  I was DONE with him, his psychological mumbo-jumb0, reprogramming attempts, fear tactics…EVERYTHING! I made it public, and followed through with what I told him I would do.

This entire experience…for that year…left me an absolute psychological, mental and emotional BASKET CASE! Afraid of my own shadow. I didn’t trust anyone, because they thought he was “mr wonderful”, “mr. integrity”… I was aware of how my own skin felt on my body, and I was uncomfortable…for several months following.

Though, it’s lacking in some other details … such as the fourth of July… That was “then”

Today…4 days away from absolute freedom, I find myself confident (actually, MORE confident, as there is definite room for improvement), not so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel freer to be myself around my co-workers and customers (OOhhh…the CUStomers! lol!).

I, pretty early on, forced myself to remember the person I WAS, before the psychopath…before hell…before he stole me away, for a time. It was hard to force myself to concentrate on positive ANYTHING. My mind wanted to constantly rehash EVERYTHING he said and did. I would think, “I’m crazy”…then realize that wasn’t MY thought…THAT WAS HIS! I’d take immediate steps to shut out that input. I missed “me”. I missed who I used to be. it seemed so long ago. I thought, “what would I normally do in ‘this’ situation?”, then though I felt like i was faking it…I reaffirmed who I KNEW myself to be, with action. That became one of the best things I could do. Muscles remember…so do psyche’s and hearts. They not only remember the bad, but remember the GOOD as well! wonderful!

Today, I’m not afraid of him…not really. I am still uncomfortable, since I don’t want to see him or have to talk to him, but I’m not afraid OF him anymore. He’s trying SOO hard to destroy me at work, but I know that he’s making himself out to be an idiot. A fool. He’s still that irritant… uncomfortable and grueling. My world is soo far removed from him, now.

I’m Gaining faith and confidence, daily. I’ve proven to myself that I really AM capable to see my dreams come true. Fear and uncertainty don’t have to control me, anymore. He tried very hard to make me into a mold able, pliable and controllable lump of spineless goo. He did a great job, but didn’t get to the final steps to solidify his creation.

I’m really proud that I faced pure evil, and I’m thriving inspite of everything. Better and stronger in many ways, than I was before the twit ever came along.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, now, and it’s BEAUTIFUL!

Hello World…I thought this deserved it’s own post…


I remember the first day I ever heard this song playing on the radio. It wasn’t long after my exodus. One particular line in the song, well..actually, several…

“Hello world. How ya been? Good to see you, my old friend. sometimes I feel cold as steel. Broken like I’m never gonna heal. I see a little light, a little grace, a little faith unfurl. Well, Hello World.”

This was SOOO VERY IMPORTANT for me, at the time, to hear! I couldn’t put it into words very well, right now. It was like I’d been hidden from everything the world was/is. Hidden from myself. Once I finally rid myself of my Monster, I was free to see the world again for the first time. To feel the wind. Hear music again…This song was a god-send.

Faith…


It’s amazing how lately I have had countless tests come my way. The first of these was the contest. I conquered that fear. Actually, I didn’t really conquer it…I moved forward IN SPITE OF it. I was still afraid all the way up till the end. We won’t go into what I was afraid of. There were too many reasons to list here…though in the end I won.

Next was turning in a 2 week notice to my boss with job #2. With that one, I was afraid of disappointing him…of his anger… I “sucked it up”, allowed a confident tone in my voice and followed through… in the end I won.

I finally got enough money to be able to move from this home. I felt confident about getting into a new apartment that I absolutely LOVED! I was denied. I thought the world had come to an end. I cried, threw my own personal pity party, dried my tears and looked again…

I found a house. It’s cute, absolutely perfect, in the perfect neighborhood and still 10 minutes from my work. I was afraid of getting denied again, yet I looked at it and turned in the application/credit check. I waited for word, still afraid I would lose this one, too. In the end, I won…

I signed the lease, paid my installment, gave Tracy a hug then went to work last Friday. My day went like every other day, except that I was VERY short in my till that night after closing. Enough to lose my job. Enough to put a stomp on my perfect plans, set for the perfect day…my one year anniversary of breaking up with the Monster (for the final time).

We looked high and low. This is something I have NEVER had happen EVER! But it happened. It was my till, regardless of anything or any reasons. I was responsible. Saturday, the assistant manager combed through every invoice and piece of paper from the previous day. Still nothing. My store manager came in (on his day off) to help look. Still nothing. I was afraid. I was in tears, sure I was going to lose my job. Sunday came and went, yet still no word. Monday, too. Today I left for work, afraid of what I might hear. I was told that my till was ready for me, and I went to work wondering if this would be my LAST day. I asked my boss. He said we’d talk later. Today was over and done, yet we still didn’t talk. I asked him point-blank, on the way out the door, “Yes or no…do I still have my job?” He said, “Yes, but we’ll have to talk about this…I’m too tired tonight.” I was scared out of my mind when I left for work! I tried to have a couple of decent days off, but the worry and fear still lingered until I got there, started my shift, finished my day, all the way up until I finally cornered him for an answer… In the end I Won! Bring on the big fat write-up! I’d gladly take 2, to keep my job today!!

If I had lost my job, I would have had to turn down this perfect house, to be taken over on the perfect day, in the perfect neighborhood (for me). I had fought for the past year to get enough money to move…actually, almost 2 years. I’ve finally got most (if not all) of my ducks in a row, in order to be free from my X, completely! Yet, here was this potential road block. How would I cope with it if I DID lose my job? The money I had saved would be for surviving in this hole, instead of its original intention of helping me get OUT. I would have been back to square one, with the Psychopath still able to watch me, my daughter and my home from the comfort of his job for at least another year…maybe longer…

I went to work, trying to feign faith, but only feeling uncertainty and fear. In the end…I WON!

I still get to move! I still have my job!! I still get my house, in the perfect neighborhood, and ON the perfect day! Woo Hoo!!

Little (or big) life lessons…I’m almost 46…when the heck are we DONE LEARNING THESE STINKING LESSONS?!

Be that as it may… The title of this entry, “Faith“:

Some think of faith solely in the guise of religion. Personally, I assumed it meant facing the unknown WITHOUT ANY FEAR. I used to think that if you were afraid, discouraged or worried about an outcome of some difficulty, that it was a sign that you didn’t have any Faith. I was wrong.

Dictionary.com lists the definition(s) as follows:

1) confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability
2) belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that his hypothesis would be substantiated by fact 
3) belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religionthe firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4) belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning   honesty.

#1 says something about confidence. Does confident mean fearless? Not on your sweet bumpkins! It means you hold your head high, come-what-may. It means that you understand that you have no way of knowing the true outcome of a certain situation, and yet you still face it head-on. The odds are in no one’s favor during this period. The odds are just odds. It can go either way. Faith gives you strength to take a chance, with full knowledge that you just MIGHT fail. The odds of succeeding are equal. 50/50. Faith means that you understand the possibility that you might not get what you want, in the end, but you choose to try anyway…after all, the odds are just as much in your favor, too.

#2…believe that is not based on proof…well, HELLO! No proof, here, what-so-ever. It’s amazing what happens when you choose to step, anyway. After all, things just might work out for the better, even if you DO lose. IE: being denied for the first apartment 😀 I was denied, but something sooo much better came along! In the end, I won!!

If you are facing something that you aren’t sure what the outcome will be, you might be discouraged and afraid, too. Faith means you move, in spite of it! Guaranteed, you will be happy when you do. You might fail from time to time, but the next corner, or the next page, or the next step COULD bring you to something that you need or want, even MORE!

It’s days like the last few I had, that keep our britches just the right size for us. I was told (in a way, though not audibly) not to take ANYTHING for granted! Be grateful for the times that things are in your favor. Never lose sight of what “could have been”. It will keep you grounded and realistic, I assure you 😀

I was blessed today, in the form of a reprimand and a future write-up from my boss. I am relieved and VERY thankful!

 

Life lessons taught to me by a couple of goldfish…


I might get some flak from overzealous animal rights activists over this one…I have a turtle as a pet, named Myrtle.

Western Painted turtle

My mom called me one day and told me she found a turtle in one of the horse stalls. The poor thing had been kicked or stepped on at one point and was missing part of her shell. I and my girls had 2 red-eared sliders which we had to find new homes for, after 7 years of fun (the cleaning of the tank was NEVER fun!), so I knew how to take care of this sweetheart. Her healthy shell started showing signs that she wasn’t as healthy as she should be. I’ve been fighting this for a solid year, mind you. I took her to the vet, gave her oral antibiotics (think dealing with a psychopath is scary? Try getting a miniature snapping turtle-type to open their mouth, willingly! lol! Reminiscent of trying to give our 20 lb cat (pure attitude) not only one pill, but 2!) After a year of battling her shell condition, she was finally starting to show some improvement…though VERY SLOWLY.

The vet we chose for her, suggested introducing some gold fish. I thought that was a cruel thing to do to the poor fish, so I tried other methods, which she wasn’t interested in…cooked chicken…veggies…  A friend of mine, who is usually a blessing, smiled at me and said, “we should get her some goldfish” I sighed, and decided to go ahead and try. We went to the pet shop and picked up 2 small feeder goldfish. 13 cents each. We brought them back and put them in her tank. she chased them, cornered them, and then seemingly lost interest.

A week went by. I noticed each fish had different attitudes. One was a leader (more vibrantly colored..orange), and the other followed the first, everywhere it went. That one was pale-colored. Almost a soft pink (like a girl :D).

I watched them in the tank with Myrtle. She seemed disinterested in them to the point that I thought I now had goldfish for pets, too. After a week they were comfortable enough to come out of their hiding place and swim around her, eat, play… The pale one, never far away from the stronger, orange one…never venturing out without the first.

Two weeks went by… Myrtle’s shell started showing WONDERFUL improvement! The only difference was the goldfish, and adding one tank ornament (a shrub). I was happy! Apparently, so was she. She was bored and depressed, I think, before the fish came along, and it showed in her shell’s health. We still had 2 goldfish one morning. One leader, one follower.

The follower was too scared to move around without the shield of the leader. One head behind the other, always following. I wasn’t the only one who noticed the behavior. Myrtle did, too. After all, she’s the predator.

Come to find out, the disinterest she showed in the gold fish was just a ploy to get them to trust that she wasn’t a threat to them. Sound familiar? They were comfortable enough to swim, play, eat and poop without a concern in the world that the predator was actually setting up a patient scheme to eventually catch and eat one of them. The goldfish and Myrtle were, for all intents and purposes, friends…or so it seemed.

That same friend who talked me into getting them in the first place, was at my apartment one morning. I was heading to my second job, and talking to him on the way to work. I’m glad I wasn’t there to see it. He gave me an unwanted play by play of the events… Myrtle, all at once was chasing them, and separated the follower from the leader…the weak personality from the strong, and in 3 gulps, the little follower was gone.

It’s now been a little over a month since we introduced the goldfish. Can you guess where the stronger goldfish is? Still swimming with Myrtle…comfortable…not a care in the world… Myrtle seems disinterested, still.

She’s still leaving the leader alone. I don’t think she’ll eat this one. I now have a goldfish, who is now trying to jump into the canister filter’s stream of fresh water. Smart little thing. It’s learned how to manipulate the current caused by the pouring water, and can launch itself 3 inches above water, and into the canister. It slides back out and repeats the process. Funny to watch. It’s a game to the fish. The strong one…free to live around the predator. Too strong for the predator to consider prey…for now.

Now, the moral as I see it…

Abused people…we who have known mistreatment from those we trusted, maybe since childhood…become the followers. We seek to be shielded by the strong. We feel safe, secure, warm and loved…but there is ALWAYS a predator watching  They see the strong self-assured type who is our shield…our support…our friends and family. They see our relationship with them, too. They integrate themselves into our lives, scheming for a way to separate us from them and devour us. The strong personality goes free. Not a good candidate for the predator’s lunch.

Learn to become strong and self-assured in our steps. We will keep from being someone’s prey as a result.

Amazing what we can learn from a couple of goldfish…