The Ring

alexandrite diamond ring

One of the first traits you might notice in a Psychopath, or at least a toxic relationship, is their need to move through the “courtship” phase too quickly. Another one is the over abundance of GIFTS! Especially flowers. Perhaps an expensive ring… Mine gave me several things that were a special gesture (only to take everything back, within a matter of a few days). Flowers every couple of days, gifts, etc. I should be grateful, right? No, he was just piling up all the visible “nice” things for others to gape at, and exclaim, “What a wonderful man, you are…” It was a cover-up of every bit of torture he would inflict at the same time.

My X-monster immediately started pushing me to move in with him. The reason he told me? To help me pay off some bills. I was placed in a situation where the home I was renting, was being sold. I had a week to move somewhere. My X offered (and continued to push) for me to move in. I was NOT ready for that, nor had we been together for more than a month, prior. Too much too soon. In the meantime, HIS landlord had another rental available, which my X told me about. I saw the apartment, and considered all of the options…’move in with this man that I barely know’ or ‘live in my car’ or ‘accept the rental from this landlord.’ I opted for the last option. When I made my decision, I told my X about it. He was visibly shocked, but shook that off, since he was the one who suggested it. He never considered that I would take the latter option over moving in with him. He thought I would see the lack of options and feel pushed to HAVE to move in with him. That didn’t happen. In the end, I realized what WOULD have happened, had I agreed to move in with him. He would have stepped up his cruel taunts, derogatory statements, accusations, and brainwashing till I would have been in the midst of “Stockholm Syndrome” as a result. He would have been better able to control me. He even said he would have had me quit my job, since being a ‘housewife’ was my biggest dream. Ummm…no.

The area surrounding this apartment is concentrated in drug addicts, alcoholics, and has it’s own crime statistics. When you check the local crime statistics, just the immediate area alone, has 5 registered sex-offenders of level 2 and above. Why would I willingly move into such a slime hole? the other options were not options…they were traps, and I knew it, in some way.

I knew there were red-flags surrounding this man. I knew I didn’t feel comfortable around him, yet he was so “down to earth”, “caring”, and such a gentleman (as long as I was silent…but I was wrong about him)! One of which I had never seen before in my life. I thought I was mistaken, and my feelings or reactions were residual from my last relationship, since it’s what he suggested so many times. I decided to give things more time. Somewhere around that same time, about 1 month prior to my birthday, my X started playing with my ring finger on my left hand. Soon, he asked “what size do you wear?” I, still thinking that he was more “Mr. wonderful” than not, told him “4 1/4, but that’s my wedding hand. I think I wear a 5 on the other….Why?” I WAS elated that he would even consider buying something like that for me, but just the fact it was what he was hinting at, made me uncomfortable at the same time, though he WAS very sweet in considering it (I thought). He proceeded to ask me about my favorite color, etc. come to find out, he wanted to buy me a ring for my birthday. The time came that we went to pick it out. I felt HORRIBLY uncomfortable with even the thought of allowing someone I hardly knew, spend any significant money on me. I told him I would rather he bought me something much smaller..like a CD of a group I liked, or something more appropriate. He insisted, still, that he really wanted to do that for “me”. (right). I swallowed hard, and allowed it, against my better judgement. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He insisted that it go on my wedding finger. That alone, made me uncomfortable. It was a beautiful ruby and diamond ring. The stones were large enough for me to think it was pretty, but not in the least gaudy.

Ring in hand, and uneasiness throughout, he laid down the rules…”You are not to wear this at work, because it will get ruined”. Reasonable, right? I told him I wouldn’t be, as it  would get in the way of delivering products to other stores. It’s amazing how it went from him and his “rule” to, “Why aren’t you wearing your ring?” I was accused of hiding it, to let other guys think I was single. It went on from there… finally I stopped wearing it all together. I told him, “I have a mouth and you need to trust that I will use it.” This was in regards to any guy who might hit on me or ask me out on dates. “I will wear it when I want to.” He continued watching my house, accusing me of all sorts of possible things, grilling me about who my daughter was talking to, and who might know where she and I lived. It was for our safety, after all.

This is a paraphrase of several months, surrounding this ring. The day came that we exchanged personal belongings. I told him I didn’t want the ring, and placed it in the bag, too. He informed me that he didn’t want it, and to pawn it off for $20. “It never meant anything to you anyway, you only saw it as a way to control you” (Wait! I NEVER ACCUSED him of this! Was this an admission?). I respected his wishes, and removed the ring from the bag.

Now, the significance of the ring. It’s beautiful, but also represents pure evil, to me. I can’t pawn it or outright sell it. I don’t want anything coming from it, or as a result of the torment I went through. I don’t want to give it to someone I like, love, or who is special to me. I can’t return it to his mother, as this would cause a whole new wave of Hell. I’m stuck with this symbol of him and his torture of me. I still know where it is. I still have it. I can’t just throw it away, either. It is pretty, after all. It would appear that I’m stuck not knowing what to do with it. If I pawned it, I would be accepting evil. (I know, that sounds weird). I absolutely cannot give it away to anyone I care about, as I view it as an evil thing and that would be a slap in the face to a friendship. The symbol it IS, is something that I’m viewing that needs to be disposed of, very carefully. Though I know it doesn’t physically embody pure evil, or evil spirits…it still feels like it does. I can’t even look at it without reliving some of that hell, to a point.

So, here I sit…the ring is in my briefcase in a plastic bag, where it has stayed since our last court date, when I fought to have a restraining order placed on him. It has never been removed from that spot, or even looked at. It’s entombed in that bag. Tombs have curses on them. To me, that ring is…and will always be…a curse.

I want it gone.

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9 thoughts on “The Ring

  1. One of my friends sold their One Ring and gave the money to charity. I also read about several people who simply gave all the things they wanted out of their life to charity and let the charity decide what to do with it.

    1. Thank you for your suggestion. I have considered giving this to charity. I could give ANYTHING ELSE he ever gave me, to charity, but for whatever reason I can’t do that with this ring. They are innocents (the recipients of that charity). Its purely symbolic, has absolutely no basis in actual reality, and these things I fully understand. I would feel guilty giving anyone else (even someone I didn’t know) this ring. No options of disposal seem right. For whatever reason, this battle is one I don’t understand, and yet it is of the utmost importance that I dispose of it correctly. I don’t want to give anyone anything like this…no matter who they are. I don’t want the money, and yet I can’t just throw it away. It’s like I’m holding onto that proverbial “pandora’s box”, and disposing of this ring incorrectly will do exactly as pandora’s box did. I know its BS. I know it’s hog-wash and absolutely unreasonable.

      The cards he gave me, I couldn’t get rid of for a time, either. That was symbolic, too…but for what ever reason, I didn’t view those cards the same way as this ring. They were a symbol of his hatred (which he showed unwaveringly) of me. I wanted to do something…ANYTHING, to throw that back in his face. The cards became THAT, to me. It’s taken me this long to understand why I couldn’t get rid of those 2 things. All I knew is I couldn’t. It wasn’t that I was (am) holding onto my lost-love’s shirt, or something. It was more dark than that. MUCH more. Enter phase # umteen-thousand, something and TWO! Crap!

      1. It’s okay to not be ready to give it away yet, not because of wanting it but needing to work through all the feelings it evokes. I think — and this is purely a thought of the moment — that when you’re ready, you’ll know exactly what to do with it. Until then, be nice to you. The Ring, after all, is a symbol of your betrayal to yourself. Maybe you haven’t forgiven yourself yet for not trusting yourself and listening to yourself. *hugs*

  2. I had THREE rings from my X I had to get rid of. I left two behind when I left. (I hid them in drawers where he would eventually find them.) I forgot to hide the last one, the third one, when I left. Months went by, and I never wore it or looked at it. It “lived” in a drawer in my night stand. Then, out of the blue, I decided to go on a hike by myself and decided to put on the ring. I hiked hard by myself for a couple of hours. I climbed some rocks and washed my hands in a nearby stream. When I arrived back home, the ring was gone from my finger. It had slipped off somewhere. I don’t know where. I don’t care where. It was gone. And with it, much anxiety and stress. So, maybe you should consider “using” the ring. Wear it. Be careless with it, careless like he accused you of being when you were with him. That ring WILL lose itself. But you can’t keep it entombed or it will entomb you. 🙂

    1. Thanks for your comment, Paula. I couldn’t imagine having to dispose of 3 of these things! Your idea is a good one…minus having to wear the ring again 🙂 Maybe more time is needed, like the cards… I am better able to dispose of the cards (waiting for a camping trip, to build a 6 foot bonfire to do it with), without the extra special “boom”. lol! I still like the idea of super gluing them to his windshield, but I still have a conscience and can’t do that (not to mention the court costs and having to replace his windshield as a result). For this moment, that ring will stay in it’s tomb until I can better deal with it. I don’t know why THAT ONE has the significance it does, to me. I may never know. I have some ideas rolling around in my head, though not one is completely right.

        1. Yep…the cards cut up in itty-bitty pieces, and super glued… that’s my dream 😀 (bummer that there are laws in this land against such things)

          I’ll let you know what I come up with when I am able to, and when it’s gone, you’ll probably be able to hear me from where you are!

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