Something I have realized…

I suppose it’s fitting for the title of my blog..”My journey of…”.

I was rehashing some of my old posts (wow…OLD…and it still seems like it all happened YESTERDAY) and came to realize that none of them, or at least very few, have very much detail about just WHAT my X did, to bring about my current journey.

I wondered why…
I know why…

It’s part of my ‘disassociation’ thing, that I have honed and protected throughout my life. In order to write about it, I would have to accept it…deal with it… and I couldn’t have that. I would rather push it away, like I do so well. I can talk about what is left. I can express confusion and disdain for the monster, but I haven’t been able to allow myself to remember. And why would I??

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely DO remember, though a lot of the memories seem (as they have since my exodus) like distant memories…hazy and disjointed. I understand that the reason they are distant, is because I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER each step. My psyche pushes them away, almost naturally. I still know they are very much alive. Though I don’t want to remember, I do, as I also understand that in those memories, lies the tools I need to survive. To recognize. To avoid another potential predator.

I started a page a while back, “A difficult Journey through the relationship”. I wrote the first post, and then stopped. It was partly due to the fact that I didn’t know how to work the ‘static page’ function. I read, and learned. That was months ago. Since I now know how to continue in those pages…especially the one I listed in this paragraph…I still haven’t continued it. I probably should, now.

The memories of my hell are becoming clearer as the days go by. Each step he took…the creschendo of each lie, as he used them to convince me of my ‘mental instability’, when I would try to talk to him about his treatment of me. etc.

Someday I will write about that.

Someday.

For today, this is a journey UP that friggen mountain… through the briar patch, and around the snakes that pop their ugly heads around each corner. This is a journey in which, as I overcome each obstical, I see more solid steps along my path. I see renued strength and determination. Pride is growing. And PEACE, above all!

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8 thoughts on “Something I have realized…

    1. Thank you, Judy 🙂 That is something I have to keep reminding myself of…one step at a time, one day at a time…Even though I want the battles to be DONE NOW, it’s all a process. Each step comes to fruition, in it’s own time. I’m just impatient! lol!

    1. Thank you, Bethany! It might be easier for me to talk it through. I hear myself (in my head, of course) recount my experience, and it bothers me that I sound crazy in describing the monster, and those same experiences. Another thing, even though my experience was horrendously traumatizing for me, in describing it, others have no ability to understand, and still place him in the same mold as a ‘human’, assuming he has the same humane reactions and psyche. Fact is, he doesn’t. Everything was constant. When he was kind, he was scheming while using the kindness as a tool to get me to trust him again. It was all a farce.

        1. That could be something I can do. In the meantime, the journey of healing is just that. It’s a journey of healing. I had PTSD for several months. I recognized everything he caused and created in me…the fear, anxiety, and in the end…absolute paranoia (which is still there, some). My battle was to reclaim my life. Some of the torment is still there, though I am stronger than ever before.

          I will be posting those memories eventually. In fact, I have done most of the recounting in comments on other’s pages, throughout the last year. I kind of blurted all over myself, and their blogs. Those accounts just never hit my own blog. It’ll happen. The first step toward fulfilling anything begins with a deep breath.

          1. lol! countless breaths 🙂 It will be difficult once I start that. It means I will have to go through his emails, listen to the voicemails that I have saved, and relive it all in order to write about it. Scary for me. Once I move from here, I’ll have more time to sit and reflect. Thank you for your support!

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