I suppose it’s fitting for the title of my blog..”My journey of…”.
I was rehashing some of my old posts (wow…OLD…and it still seems like it all happened YESTERDAY) and came to realize that none of them, or at least very few, have very much detail about just WHAT my X did, to bring about my current journey.
I wondered why…
I know why…
It’s part of my ‘disassociation’ thing, that I have honed and protected throughout my life. In order to write about it, I would have to accept it…deal with it… and I couldn’t have that. I would rather push it away, like I do so well. I can talk about what is left. I can express confusion and disdain for the monster, but I haven’t been able to allow myself to remember. And why would I??
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely DO remember, though a lot of the memories seem (as they have since my exodus) like distant memories…hazy and disjointed. I understand that the reason they are distant, is because I DON’T WANT TO REMEMBER each step. My psyche pushes them away, almost naturally. I still know they are very much alive. Though I don’t want to remember, I do, as I also understand that in those memories, lies the tools I need to survive. To recognize. To avoid another potential predator.
I started a page a while back, “A difficult Journey through the relationship”. I wrote the first post, and then stopped. It was partly due to the fact that I didn’t know how to work the ‘static page’ function. I read, and learned. That was months ago. Since I now know how to continue in those pages…especially the one I listed in this paragraph…I still haven’t continued it. I probably should, now.
The memories of my hell are becoming clearer as the days go by. Each step he took…the creschendo of each lie, as he used them to convince me of my ‘mental instability’, when I would try to talk to him about his treatment of me. etc.
Someday I will write about that.
For today, this is a journey UP that friggen mountain… through the briar patch, and around the snakes that pop their ugly heads around each corner. This is a journey in which, as I overcome each obstical, I see more solid steps along my path. I see renued strength and determination. Pride is growing. And PEACE, above all!