I hate it when I read something, and a wave of memories hit!

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A fellow blogger was gracious enough to recommend this person’s article: http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/cluster-b%27s.html. I  read and re-read it. I can identify with much (most, if not all) of the 5 stages. I stopped on stage 4: Stage four: Despair. With every attempt I took to get away from him, limit my time with him so I could absorb the onslaught of torment he buried me under, he turned on his abuse even more. If that were even possible. He used fear tactics as a method of trying to “keep me”. He tried to brainwash me into NEVER leaving him.

It was during this phase that the excuses/reasons he used to explain why I WAS UPSET. After all, my discontent, discouragement, pain, confusion, etc…wasn’t because of HIM at all! For several months, it was due to (always something/someone else’s fault), “unrealized pent-up problems stemming from my many, abusive, past relationships”. When I started to allow myself to SEE the monster he was and HE started realizing that I was pulling away, he stepped up his game to saying I had mental issues, and needed help.

I spent my time last night, re-reading all of our emails together, during that year. I especially concentrated on the ones that I would explain the problems IN DETAIL, and explain what he was doing to me, and especially causing INSIDE of me. His reply (this might have well been a reply to each time I tried to be diplomatic with him)?? Copied and pasted directly from his email: “you need help. battered momen never recover without it.  i dont know what things you have of mine. i dont care what you want anymore. you are a wounded soul. abused and neglected as a kid and an adult. i saw that early on. thats one of the issues i tried to overcome/overlook.  i didnt have 27″ relationships”. just a handful. you on the other hand…guy to guy to guy. wont stop til you loose your looks then its too late. im sure you have another in mind already. now that i see you clearly i cant believe i was so stupid. must have been lonley. i was on the upstairs phone at lunch. this is no ones business. dont worry about work. im not stu. if your not well received its because of that not me. you are trapped in a wounded mind. nothing i can do. maybe you can find someone before you move. i have confidence in you.” This was all a LIE! I told him that I had several boyfriends before him (several in my definition. I’m almost 46, I’ve had 16 in the course of a lifetime. To him it translated to “slut”. He was the one with 27 “exes”. He said “just a handful”. That’s because he makes a distinction between when a girl becomes worthy to be in a relationship with him. He still torments her, begs her to move in immediately, and so forth…but those aren’t “relationships” to him, though they are still worthy for him to violate her sexual boundaries, torment her children and her. Hard to decipher the way he thinks. This was the beginning of the “you need help” campaign. He actually had me beginning to believe him. I thought there really WAS something wrong with me, and not what he was doing to me. There’s a little piece of our life “together”.

Stage 5: Stage Five: Release:  “Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing. Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved. You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but youMUST accept it as the truth. The person you fell in love with never existed, it was all an illusion. There’s no easy way to deal with the release stage. You may feel elated one minute, then terrified the next. Again, get support from wherever you can. Look back over your time together and try to pin-point and acknowledge the different phases. This will help you to come to terms with what has happened, and accept the role you played in your Cluster B’s life. Don’t turn the anger in on yourself. It was NOT your fault. Your Cluster B had this problem before you met, and he/she will continue to have this problem long after you’re gone. Cluster B’s rarely go to get help for themselves. They cannot acknowledge that they have a problem. Psychologists treat the Cluster B’s victims, rarely the Cluster B’s themselves. I strongly recommend that you get professional psychological support during the release stage. The only way you can let it go, is to understand it. And to do this you need expert guidance. Draw comfort from the fact that you are not in this alone……and be proud that you managed to escape. Many don’t.” I’ve been in this stage ever since I left him. I left him, the the picture he has painted for everyone is that he ran from me since I was so “unstable”. Painful to recount. More painful to remember. I still feel the monsters talons in my spine, and the grip of his bite around my throat. I’m almost choking, now. Maybe it’s just me, trying to keep from feeling the anxiety he created, again. Tears come from fears, sometimes. 

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37 thoughts on “I hate it when I read something, and a wave of memories hit!

  1. When people I don’t know, but my parents do, treat me with kid gloves and act like I’m about to explode at any moment it’s hurtful. It would be funny if it weren’t so sad when they express shock at how amicable and pleasant I am. They don’t know me, so their fear isn’t engendered by me, but by members of my family who portray me as unstable, nasty, and unpredictable. I can’t change them. I can’t change how people perceive me because of how family members talk about me. I’ve stopped fighting. It’s still hurtful to know total strangers think I’m a horrible person.

    1. People treat me the same way, especially at work. With time, that is starting to diminish, some. I understand the hurt behind that. It’s like you are made to feel the same way the Narc/Psych made you feel, with just a glance from someone else.

      Total strangers might view you “that” way for a short time, but if they are around you for any length of time they will start changing their perceptions. You’ll see it in their smiles when they seek YOU out to talk to you, ask advice, or needing a friend. Some people at work are doing that, now. Not all. I concentrate on the obvious evidence that the veil is coming off, though very slowly.

      1. Unfortunately, the narcs continue to feed the perceptions…. it’s like there’s a battle going on, and they feel the need to choose the narc’s side because they are prominent and successful in their own fields, and I’m the loser, still living at home, so they walk on eggshells around me, even when they know I won’t bite. They do settle faster, but the perception is still there. I really should confine myself to my room this week. I’m in a lousy frame of mind. Don’t mind me. But thanks for letting me whine. 🙂

        1. This is text-book of a Narcissist &/or psychopath. They are, generally, very VERY retaliatory. Sometimes to be able to further control us, the only avenue they have left is their lies about us. When they see us falter or teeter, they are elated! It’s cruel and unjust treatment, from a human standpoint…but they aren’t “human”, are they? That was the hardest realization about my X, that I had to swallow. Every time I tried to place him in the category of “human”, he proved me wrong…EVERY time. That, alone, was traumatic. You aren’t whining 😉 When we heal, we reflect during that process. It’s (I believe) impossible to do that, without reliving some of the emotions tied to it. Feel free to whine, here 🙂 We are all in this together, remember?

          1. I’ve been dealing with the narc more lately, and it’s wearing on me. Thanks for being such a blessing, helping me keep my head above water.

          2. You have kept my head above water COUNTLESS times, Judy! You have always been there for me and such a blessing in my life! anytime you need an ear (eye? lol!), I’ll ALWAYS be here for you! when things are overwhelming…remember to breathe! 😀

  2. And from this article, that I found last Thursday which was JUST under 2 weeks of his latest run, I kept maneuvering until I found you and many other WONderful Blogs…..JUST WHEN I NEEDED IT MOST!
    I find stage 5 to be the hardest, maybe because I’ve gone through 1-4 so many times that getting to a new and foreign stage was/is what’s freaking me out.

    I have SO much more reading to do but another thing that I wonder about is, did ANYone, besides ME, get treated like crap? 😉
    His 1st run was 4 weeks into our roller coaster ride through Hell.
    I basically hunted, yes HUNTED him down cause I was NOT going to lose “the best thing that ever happened to me” (WRONG) and it was all MY fault that he fell asleep the previous night during sex and I said that would NEVER happen again so when it did the very next night and I addressed it, I sat in my living room for awhile to release my own steam and when I came back to bed, he was gone.
    Had I known THEN…..but isn’t that always what we say?
    (This is a pretty darn good story but I’ll leave it for another time.)
    Because back to my initial question…..how were YOU treated???

    I will make a very short list of what I endured.

    He never said thank you, your welcome….ie~No manners!
    Never complimented me or said he was sorry.
    I never knew the “status” of our relationship~it was always HIS call I’d wait for to know what my plans were at any given time.
    I paid for myself when going out most of the time except for the OTHER times where I “got to” pay for both of us.
    I’d drive there~35 miles~3 times a week and when I was there, we ALways used my car.
    He’d blame me for EVERYthing~ie~driving home one night, (my car of course) we were being flashed by oncoming traffic and he said, “YOU forgot to turn on the lights!!”
    I laughed my ass off and asked him if he heard what he said.
    That was a fight just trying to get him to admit what a stupid statement that was, to no avail as I was CRAZY and I must be hearing things because of my “meds.”
    (If there’s ONE thing I have learned from this is that I will NEVER disclose to ANYone ever again as to what “meds” I’m on or for what reason. I sadly shared with him on week #2 that I was on 40 mgs. of Prozac and I have NEVER heard the end of that as that was THE one and ONLY reason we’d fight….so he SAID!)

    Bottom line~what I’m asking is~was there ANY reason I/you/we stayed other than the fact “he” filled the “empty-spot?”

    That’s what I keep beating myself up over.
    I ALLOWED him to treat me the way he did.
    It’s ALL MY FAULT!…………………………

    1. One more thing I KNOW I was becoming (always WAS?) was obsessed.
      His personality almost became a scientific experiment to me.
      One step forward, 100 back, 1/2 step forward and so on.
      I tested my patience, I tested his buttons, I’d get angry which would push his rage button and then I’d kiss butt to have him back off which worked VERY seldom.
      I’d cry and threaten to leave and not ONCE, did he EVER try to stop me.
      There I’d go again, allowing HIM to treat ME like I SHOULD have been treating HIM…..but I was not involved with a mind not even close to human.

      Before his neighbor of 33 years passed, she TOLD me how he maxed out his previous girlfriends CC’s.
      She and one OTHER source TOLD me that he had MANY women in and out.
      I have often wondered (maybe you could answer this for me too while your at it 🙂 if I should contact his X (married 17 years, 20 years ago) and see what her notes are like.
      But, to help ME or HER or BOTH or NEITHER?
      I would LOVE to help someone else out (I obviously won’t waste any breath helping the new-by’s out as I was once that and NO ONE could tell me anything) but that’s MY story of my life~HELP EVERYONE ELSE CAUSE I CAN’T HELP ME!

      (I KNOW this is off the “5 stage” subject….is there any place else I can purge my thoughts without steering the topic at hand, off course?)

      1. Just ONE more thing……
        All the blame and horrid names we were called and how it was ALL due to our childhood…..do you suppose that is transference?
        He said to me (like yours said to you) I had unresolved issues with anger and my parents and that’s why nothing was ever resolved.
        I was FIFTY when I met him and he knew(knows) NOTHING about my childhood so he MUST have been speaking about his OWN. (?)

        1. He observed you…he knows the stereo-typical pattern of abuse. He’s studied it. Breathes in the facts, so he can manipulate you better, because of them. The only transference is his sick twisted psychological rape of YOU. They don’t speak strict lies, all of the time. when they find one area of weakness, they build on it, and manipulate us at our weakest points, with THAT fact as ammo. BUT…though we all might have unresolved issues, know that THOSE WEAKENED AREAS DIDN’T CAUSE HIM TO HURT YOU!! If all he saw was your empathy toward people in need, that is all he would need to see you (his perceptions, as the SICK INDIVIDUAL HE IS) as a weakened subject…prey…

          Look up Sam Vaknin on youtube.com. Keep in mind that the man is a clinically diagnosed psychopath, so you shouldn’t allow a constant influx from him. His videos are VERY useful in understanding the Narcissist/Psychopath. I have spend countless hours watching and listening to him. Some scenarios he paints, I can relate to. others, I can’t. Keep reading and questioning, but let go of your belief that everything was your fault! That’s HIS lie…HIS garbage…HIS barrage of abuse, and is NO WAY, NO HOW, YOUR own cross to bear. He’s so lazy and self centered, he chose YOU to carry HIS.

          I had the overwhelming desire to contact my X’s previous girlfriend before me. She lived right next door to him. I also wrote his ex-wife a long letter, asking her what he put her through. I didn’t send it (I found her on facebook), though. Later I found out that he already predicted that I would probably go to his ex’s, and got to them before me. He already had them believing he had changed (or wasn’t that bad), and convinced them that I was a mental case. I would have been a fool.

          As hard as it is, my advice to you is to NOT contact them, unless you already have a speaking relationship with them. You have to KNOW that they won’t run to him and tell him everything you said. Best advice, walk (run) to as far away from him as you can get…including away from his ex’s. You have a life to live, too. Breathe in…hold it…let it go slowly, then start walking forward. The screaming lies in your mind will eventually subside, I promise.

      2. I did the same thing, as a way to protect myself from his attacks. I learned to somewhat think like him. I studied his reactions, and the way he talked. If he was pushing a topic..ANY topic, that was HIM trying to set a scheme into motion. In the end, it was catching him IN a scheme that made me run and fight as hard as I did to get away form him. I realized at that moment, just how dangerous an individual he really is.

    2. Thank you for your comment 🙂 I’ve had a difficult time recounting everything he did. To put it in a short way, he treated me like he hated me, from the beginning, though he fought so hard to keep me. I have always believed that there should be no secrets between husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend. Since my Psychopathic X, I have since changed that. I told him (he asked me, point blank) how many men I’d “been with”. That became his favorite ammunition for attack, at every turn. I would talk about the sun (yes, it was that ridiculous) and he would counter, angrily, “I don’t want to hear about anything to do with your 16 X boyfriends!!” I would tell him about my day, and a customer that joked around with me and it would be turned into something AWFUL! “Oh, He’s trying to get in your pants” and I would be treated with disdain. Then he would make dinner for me, buy me a new gift, etc. Then the barrage would begin again..within hours. He got angry with me about EVERYTHING I said to him, silly nonsense things that I had hoped would turn into a fun time for us.

      Here’s the sick twist…While he was treating me like that, belittling me and slamming me at every turn, he was creating “nice” scenarios that he could use against me, whether personally, or to show coworkers, friends and family how wonderful he was to me. He made sure that very little made it into emails, and any time he attacked me, it was in person or over the phone. They were always out of the blue attacks. Afterwards, when I was overwhelmed with feeling trapped and full of anxiety, he tried to present himself as my “savior”.

      He is paranoid…excessively paranoid. It’s amazing how he was able to direct MY natural human reactions by his manipulative tactics, to create a scenario in which I would appear to be the paranoid one.

      Another piece of ammunition, was my abusive past. I openly told him about that one too. I trusted him. I was wrong to do that. He often told me how he could tell I had been abused, before he ever asked me out…by watching me…Gave me the willies, to be quite honest. I felt that I had been chosen…not as the perfect mate, but as the perfect “subject”. I later discovered that psychopaths have a super-human (if you want to call it that) ability to pick an abused person out of a crowd. Serial rapists are able to do that…serial killers… IE: Ted Bundy…aka: mr. sweet, kind, innocent, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, type.

      Why did I stay? Initially, I stayed because I saw red-flags in him but didn’t trust my instincts. I thought I was wrong about him. Hadn’t given him a “real” chance, yet. After all, he was still the sweet, caring individual I met. No…he observed…took note…and utilized every piece of weakness he discovered in me. When I finally realized what (who) I was dealing with (I hadn’t come to the conclusion that he was Psychopathic yet, but did know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was psychologically abusive, and Narcissistic), I was afraid to leave…walk (or run) away, because he had me soooo afraid at work! I had no support system left. I was trapped. I considered suicide, because I had no way out (that I saw through my psyche that he created). I didn’t live with him. He constantly watched my house, making me pay for and account for all of his twisted observations. He would torment me at work, at home, everywhere I went.

      I suppose he did fill a need in me. I had met abusive men, over and over again, over the past number of years. Each was worse than the first. Drug addicts, alchoholics, control freaks, yadda yadda yadda… I thought I finally found the man of my dreams. He never did say thank you, though, when I would jump on a whim, to his every beckoned call. When I cooked dinner for HIM, etc.

      My memories are jumbled, still. When I describe him to myself I hear it as though through someone else…”that doesn’t sound that bad”…and I’m back to rehashing things…YES IT WAS THAT BAD.

      Something you need to realize…NONE OF IT WAS OR IS YOUR FAULT! You dealt with a predator that you trusted. You believed he held your best interests at heart. How can we, who view the genus of “homo sapiens” as entirely human, ever be able to fully understand the heartless, conscious-void, individual, posing as “human”. I said they POSE AS HUMAN. They twist and manipulate our hearts and minds into becoming what they want us to be. The shitty thing is, IT WORKS! Not your fault. You are a victim of abuse. Severe abuse. You aren’t alone anymore, sweety! Use that as your mantra on a daily basis!

      Fight to find some peace in your heart. it isn’t gone…just covered up by his lies and manipulations. You are still you, inside.

      1. Talking about things that “don’t sound that bad.”
        Every little thing I’ve told my BFF, I never wrote down so when I started my bad/good book on him just a few days ago, I’ll be darned that I only have a few pages filled.
        Of course, there were always REpeats but I KNOW I have at LEAST 1000 bads but I don’t know where they are?
        I realize, our mind has a way of protecting itself from the “bad” but come on….the few GOODS can’t POSSIBLY be all I can come up with. LOL!

        (Same thing happened when I left my X~thank GOD I kept Journals back then or I may have gone back.)

        And as far as the YOU that is still inSIDE of ourselves?
        I sure HOPE she’s been a good enough girl for the 2nd and final chapter of her life cause she was born into the arms of abuse.

        1. funny that you mentioned a “book”. I actually sat down and did the EXACT same thing! I found it helpful to list things almost categorically. Each instance listed under each type of abuse by a “mark” of occurrence. Like counting in marks of 5. Hard to describe. Don’t forget to add every single time he made you feel anxiety or extreme depression. And when he would become a ‘changeling’ and return to the nicey-niceys and keep you wondering if you dreamed everything up to begin with. These are all tactics, too.

          1. You have an open slate for your life, right now. Now (as a wonderful friend once said to me), you define and redefine who you want to be. Decide what you like about yourself, what you want to keep and discard what you don’t want or like about yourself. Then begins the step of rebuilding, step by step…day by day. It’s not about being good or bad. It’s about learning who you REALLY are. The you that you’ve been afraid to show for whatever reason. The you that you’ve always wanted to be 🙂 You are a beautiful lady, who has ALWAYS deserved to shine!

          2. Yes, thank you for the ideas.
            I’d have to add when he made me feel insane (which was a lot and I never could understand why he’d bother with me when he couldn’t stand anything about me 🙂
            Here’s one from my book….I was THRILLED he had a yard as I love cutting the grass and with a self-propelled HONDA~Well, my life couldn’t get better.
            And my passion!! gardens to clean, plant keep up with.
            All season, all MY money on plants, cutting the grass with MY gas, my time….but hey….better than ZERO, ZILCH, NADA so I kept telling everyone and myself.
            He came home (probably to unlock the door so I could pee inSIDE not that it was any nicer~FAR from nice(?) and he said, “All I have for you to drink is water and Mountain Dew which I know you don’t want.”
            I thought he’d be oozing compliments.
            I got mad and said if he didn’t have it in him drive to the mini mart he could walk to in 3 minutes, I’m wasting my time.
            What HE heard me say………
            “Don’t ever thank me for doing anything for you.”
            Because that’s what he HEARD, he listened.
            Must have been one of his own. 😉

            Going one step further, I am a perfectionist which has been a blessing a few ways, quite anxiety riddled in other ways.
            When I “hunted” him down, I found his shop (9 hours later AND a full tank of gas) cause I had to do the 45 minute drive by what he told me when I met him online.
            (One town over, 10 years older, Jon WITH an H, on and on)
            But find him I did and he came to the shop when someone from inside called and we went back to my place.
            If we had gone to his, I would have realized my worst nightmare!!
            He was/is a HOARDER.
            Now, try fixing someone with that? haha!
            He seemed ok at times and other times, completely out of control.
            But, I LOVED him (and his burping, snoring, spitting, whining,conversation-LESS, sense-LESS) because what I’d bring OUT the door was anything and anyONE but John.
            When we went OUT, I was with Jon, the forever public displays of affection I was spoiled rotten with, the gorgeous almost 10 years younger looking man, the one that got my sister to side with.
            I guess, no I KNOW what I DID do right!~!!!!!
            I let my BFF know about every negative detail DAILY and THEN moved in on my sister.
            Had I NOT done that, he would have surely won but I was faster.
            Not faster……more OPEN and HONEST!

            K, time to enjoy the 90’s for awhile.
            LOVELY wind.
            Just PERfect!

          3. I was re-reading and I find it intriguing that you felt as though he was not allowing you to decide whether or not you were staying/going.
            I guess that’s where I am really off base.
            He ran, he called, I’d run back.
            NEVER did I give him a CHANCE to “wonder” if I’d stay…..of COURSE I would…..where ELSE would I go…..aLONE….by mySELF??

          4. That’s the thing that caused so much confusion in me. He hated me. Hated everything about me. when I finally just wanted to get him away from me, “you’re KILLING ME!” (I actually said that to him, once, and meant it wholeheartedly). He hated my past, resented my love for music, and everything else. I stayed quiet, because there was nothing left for me to do, while I was with him. I only answered one syllable words when he said anything to me. These are the times he said were “wonderful” times between us. I wasn’t fighting back. I was stone-cold silent. He shot down everything else, and yet he FOUGHT HARD to keep me from leaving. I would YELL at him to leave me alone, when I recognized how detrimental it really WAS for me to get the hell away. The only thing that did was cause him to change tactics, change subject matter, and add another stage, another approach, and also start some more reprogramming, in the brainwashing process. Literally. He hated me, yet he was incessant in trying to keep me. Like I was HIS toy, his roll-playing masterpiece. It was hard for me to believe he would never know me for me, and especially that he never WANTED TO KNOW ME. He didn’t care who I really was…only who he wanted me to be. The subject of his hatred (another subject, since his other gf, wife, etc). I was just a chess piece in his version of wizard’s chess (thank you, Harry Potter), and he was the cruel king. Every time, my mantra became, “What the hell just happened?!”

        2. You just might not be ready to face all of the “bad” just yet. You remember, I’m sure, but to write it is excruciating. You can’t write about atrocities that happened to you directly, if you can’t make sense out of them, yourself. I think it’s psychologically impossible, until we are in a better place. It’s taken me almost a year of writing in this blog, to be able to spell out very much of his abuse.

  3. Stage 5 was VERY confusing for me. I oscillated between blaming myself and thinking I was the abuser to hating his guts. It’s the stage I started to write my story. The stage I learned to make sense of that which makes no sense. The stage I met so many other women (and a few men) who were or remain victims of a Cluster B. This gave me strength to pass through Stage 5 and release him completely. 🙂

    1. Paula…all I can say is “ditto”…I couldn’t have expressed that any better. I went through everything you did, though I’m still working my way out of stage 5. I don’t have the overwhelming need to make sense of things anymore, though I do have a lingering curiosity. I have learned to accept that this is one part of my life that will NEVER make complete sense, nor will I ever be able to squeeze it into my own neatly formed box. It just “is”. And that is all. Sucks, but its also wonderful knowing that I have reached the point where I can say, ‘sure, there is no real answer, nor is there anything resembling complete understanding about what happened to me, or the predator who preyed on me. It doesn’t make sense, and I’m ok with that”. It still sets uneasily in the pit of my stomach from time to time, but I’m not consumed by it anymore.

      Your comment just reassured me that stage 5 doesn’t last forever! Thank you!! I can’t wait till the day I wake up and realize it’s finally settled and done.

  4. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words

    your last four lines ….I didn’t get to leave…I was blind-sided when he told me he had found some new and if I truely loved him, I would be pleased and happy for him….for this once his one chance at true happiness….
    as I read the four lines…I realized the picture he has painted of me with people I met through him that I thought were friends…funny how life works out….
    I broke repeating patterns when I found him…I never trusted, never got emotionally involved….
    he changed all that…and as each day goes by….I wonder more why I trusted him….

    I will have to re-read because this one was hard ….
    Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your story….
    Take Care…
    You Matter…
    )0(
    maryrose

    1. Maryrose, thank you so much for your comment, and sharing such a hard part of your own life. When I started my personal journey, everyone’s stories that I read, and re-read…there’s really no words for how it made me feel to see my life in other’s accounts. It’s painful, yet vindicating to know I wasn’t alone, #1, and #2…that I didn’t imagine everything I had been through. My jaunt with my X was relatively short in comparison to other’s experiences (many, lasting years), and in that regard, I see myself as fortunate, yet I have discovered that my experience was no less damaging than theirs. I don’t understand that.

      You are a very talented writer, by the way 😀

  5. ANYone else get haunting feelings with the memory of a song?
    2 days after “his~last~run,” (darn…i wish i could say ~*MY LAST RUN*)….
    is when I became familiar with the following song.
    Yes, a song that everyone is already sick of HEARring but I don’t listen to that station much if at all so now, EVERYtime I hear it… (Which is once every 2 hours!!!)
    I get those “dull DAGGER like pains in my stomach.”
    Yes, this is still a VERYVERYVERY FRESH pain that…. I keep feeling that I am RE-inflicting upon myself with on a daily, no, every 2 hour basis….. ;/.
    every day since he left basically…,.

    I am VERY conflicted about how to handle the song.

    I have to express that with this new “stage 5” stage right now, this VERY haunting and terribly TRUE song is somewhat cathartic. (?)
    Especially the part towards the end where he’s singing and she sounds as though she’s trying to sing…..YELL…. over him and his sorry ass blahblahblah excuses and shit already!!! riiiggghhht~FEEL IT? 😉 (After you hear this I HOPE you agree! )
    She/I’M/WE’RE….. 🙂 getting stronger every day that goes byyyyyyy…….eeeveerrryy SECCCONNNND of eeeeevveeeerrrryyy miiiinnnnute (and so on….
    And I swear……
    CRANK THIS UP AND DANCE AND SING AND REALLY GET PISSED OFF!

    😉
    OR….do I/WE..,…..SIMPLY….turn the STAtion?? cause it’s just too damn hard……………………

    1. You know? You have just touched on every reason that music is such a healing, spiritual entity, in and of itself. I have noticed at different times in my life, that someone somewhere pre-planned a song that I needed at that perfect point in time. Music causes us to remember feelings we had, good and bad, it’s like a friend that TRULY understands us, even more than our closest friends. Don’t run from the song. reflect, like it’s already drawing you to do. Listen to it as much as you need to. It helps us to vent, when we are unable to ourselves. Things are just sometimes too fresh, to be able to break it down in pieces of understandable goo. Just go with the flow…your mind, body and spirit will tell you when it’s time to move on. If you get the chance, listen to Lady Antebellum’s “Hello World”…very VERY nice and empowering! It really touched me the first time I ever heard it. It still gives me goosebumps.

    1. Every day, I see improvements. It’s been a long-time coming, but wonderful to see…finally! I never thought i would ever be ‘normal’ again. I thought he had forever driven me crazy. I was completely uncomfortable in my own skin, still…even just 2 months ago. I realized the other day, I’m pretty comfortable these days…for the most part, now. I still battle that from time to time…but compared to where I was last year on this day? I thought I would die, then. Still afraid to leave my house or talk to anyone. Still afraid to walk to my own car. Now? I still fight the fear at times…but I have just as much new confidence to flaunt to my psychopathic X, now. Believe me, I definitely DO! I love that it pisses him off!

      Thank you for visiting my blog, and for the wonderful encouragement!

  6. Many of us wonderful females seem to attract these ungodly men I enjoy calling Ninnyhammers.

    Thanks for the follow.

    By chance have you checked out my Love Bombers category ?

      1. Yes, so many of our interesting stories seem so eerily familiar. At times I think I wrote something so similar. I give credits to the original source and there in I realize the similarity in narcissistic men and our relationships with them..

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