A fellow blogger was gracious enough to recommend this person’s article: http://www.sarahtateauthor.com/cluster-b%27s.html. I read and re-read it. I can identify with much (most, if not all) of the 5 stages. I stopped on stage 4: Stage four: Despair. With every attempt I took to get away from him, limit my time with him so I could absorb the onslaught of torment he buried me under, he turned on his abuse even more. If that were even possible. He used fear tactics as a method of trying to “keep me”. He tried to brainwash me into NEVER leaving him.
It was during this phase that the excuses/reasons he used to explain why I WAS UPSET. After all, my discontent, discouragement, pain, confusion, etc…wasn’t because of HIM at all! For several months, it was due to (always something/someone else’s fault), “unrealized pent-up problems stemming from my many, abusive, past relationships”. When I started to allow myself to SEE the monster he was and HE started realizing that I was pulling away, he stepped up his game to saying I had mental issues, and needed help.
I spent my time last night, re-reading all of our emails together, during that year. I especially concentrated on the ones that I would explain the problems IN DETAIL, and explain what he was doing to me, and especially causing INSIDE of me. His reply (this might have well been a reply to each time I tried to be diplomatic with him)?? Copied and pasted directly from his email: “you need help. battered momen never recover without it. i dont know what things you have of mine. i dont care what you want anymore. you are a wounded soul. abused and neglected as a kid and an adult. i saw that early on. thats one of the issues i tried to overcome/overlook. i didnt have 27″ relationships”. just a handful. you on the other hand…guy to guy to guy. wont stop til you loose your looks then its too late. im sure you have another in mind already. now that i see you clearly i cant believe i was so stupid. must have been lonley. i was on the upstairs phone at lunch. this is no ones business. dont worry about work. im not stu. if your not well received its because of that not me. you are trapped in a wounded mind. nothing i can do. maybe you can find someone before you move. i have confidence in you.” This was all a LIE! I told him that I had several boyfriends before him (several in my definition. I’m almost 46, I’ve had 16 in the course of a lifetime. To him it translated to “slut”. He was the one with 27 “exes”. He said “just a handful”. That’s because he makes a distinction between when a girl becomes worthy to be in a relationship with him. He still torments her, begs her to move in immediately, and so forth…but those aren’t “relationships” to him, though they are still worthy for him to violate her sexual boundaries, torment her children and her. Hard to decipher the way he thinks. This was the beginning of the “you need help” campaign. He actually had me beginning to believe him. I thought there really WAS something wrong with me, and not what he was doing to me. There’s a little piece of our life “together”.
Stage 5: Stage Five: Release: “Assuming you’ve made the break (if you haven’t, you’ll be stuck in stage four indefinitely…or worse), you will quickly be catapulted into stage five. Once your Cluster B realises you’ve gained the strength to walk away, he/she will cut you loose…completely. You will find this both shocking and possibly even hurtful at first, but believe me, it’s by far the best thing. Once you have rejected a Cluster B (you always reject them, they never do anything to drive you away…remember, they are always the wronged party), there is no going back. You will be dropped, and left high and dry. This is the stage when it becomes clear that you were never loved. You realise during the release stage that your Cluster B is not capable of feeling love. He/she lacks empathy and emotion. If there are children involved, it becomes painfully apparent during this stage that they too are just objects to a Cluster B. It’s a devastating realisation, and it will send you into free-fall for a while, but youMUST accept it as the truth. The person you fell in love with never existed, it was all an illusion. There’s no easy way to deal with the release stage. You may feel elated one minute, then terrified the next. Again, get support from wherever you can. Look back over your time together and try to pin-point and acknowledge the different phases. This will help you to come to terms with what has happened, and accept the role you played in your Cluster B’s life. Don’t turn the anger in on yourself. It was NOT your fault. Your Cluster B had this problem before you met, and he/she will continue to have this problem long after you’re gone. Cluster B’s rarely go to get help for themselves. They cannot acknowledge that they have a problem. Psychologists treat the Cluster B’s victims, rarely the Cluster B’s themselves. I strongly recommend that you get professional psychological support during the release stage. The only way you can let it go, is to understand it. And to do this you need expert guidance. Draw comfort from the fact that you are not in this alone……and be proud that you managed to escape. Many don’t.” I’ve been in this stage ever since I left him. I left him, the the picture he has painted for everyone is that he ran from me since I was so “unstable”. Painful to recount. More painful to remember. I still feel the monsters talons in my spine, and the grip of his bite around my throat. I’m almost choking, now. Maybe it’s just me, trying to keep from feeling the anxiety he created, again. Tears come from fears, sometimes.