It’s amazing how lately I have had countless tests come my way. The first of these was the contest. I conquered that fear. Actually, I didn’t really conquer it…I moved forward IN SPITE OF it. I was still afraid all the way up till the end. We won’t go into what I was afraid of. There were too many reasons to list here…though in the end I won.
Next was turning in a 2 week notice to my boss with job #2. With that one, I was afraid of disappointing him…of his anger… I “sucked it up”, allowed a confident tone in my voice and followed through… in the end I won.
I finally got enough money to be able to move from this home. I felt confident about getting into a new apartment that I absolutely LOVED! I was denied. I thought the world had come to an end. I cried, threw my own personal pity party, dried my tears and looked again…
I found a house. It’s cute, absolutely perfect, in the perfect neighborhood and still 10 minutes from my work. I was afraid of getting denied again, yet I looked at it and turned in the application/credit check. I waited for word, still afraid I would lose this one, too. In the end, I won…
I signed the lease, paid my installment, gave Tracy a hug then went to work last Friday. My day went like every other day, except that I was VERY short in my till that night after closing. Enough to lose my job. Enough to put a stomp on my perfect plans, set for the perfect day…my one year anniversary of breaking up with the Monster (for the final time).
We looked high and low. This is something I have NEVER had happen EVER! But it happened. It was my till, regardless of anything or any reasons. I was responsible. Saturday, the assistant manager combed through every invoice and piece of paper from the previous day. Still nothing. My store manager came in (on his day off) to help look. Still nothing. I was afraid. I was in tears, sure I was going to lose my job. Sunday came and went, yet still no word. Monday, too. Today I left for work, afraid of what I might hear. I was told that my till was ready for me, and I went to work wondering if this would be my LAST day. I asked my boss. He said we’d talk later. Today was over and done, yet we still didn’t talk. I asked him point-blank, on the way out the door, “Yes or no…do I still have my job?” He said, “Yes, but we’ll have to talk about this…I’m too tired tonight.” I was scared out of my mind when I left for work! I tried to have a couple of decent days off, but the worry and fear still lingered until I got there, started my shift, finished my day, all the way up until I finally cornered him for an answer… In the end I Won! Bring on the big fat write-up! I’d gladly take 2, to keep my job today!!
If I had lost my job, I would have had to turn down this perfect house, to be taken over on the perfect day, in the perfect neighborhood (for me). I had fought for the past year to get enough money to move…actually, almost 2 years. I’ve finally got most (if not all) of my ducks in a row, in order to be free from my X, completely! Yet, here was this potential road block. How would I cope with it if I DID lose my job? The money I had saved would be for surviving in this hole, instead of its original intention of helping me get OUT. I would have been back to square one, with the Psychopath still able to watch me, my daughter and my home from the comfort of his job for at least another year…maybe longer…
I went to work, trying to feign faith, but only feeling uncertainty and fear. In the end…I WON!
I still get to move! I still have my job!! I still get my house, in the perfect neighborhood, and ON the perfect day! Woo Hoo!!
Little (or big) life lessons…I’m almost 46…when the heck are we DONE LEARNING THESE STINKING LESSONS?!
Be that as it may… The title of this entry, “Faith“:
Some think of faith solely in the guise of religion. Personally, I assumed it meant facing the unknown WITHOUT ANY FEAR. I used to think that if you were afraid, discouraged or worried about an outcome of some difficulty, that it was a sign that you didn’t have any Faith. I was wrong.
Dictionary.com lists the definition(s) as follows:
1) confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability
2) belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that his hypothesis would be substantiated by fact
3) belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4) belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
#1 says something about confidence. Does confident mean fearless? Not on your sweet bumpkins! It means you hold your head high, come-what-may. It means that you understand that you have no way of knowing the true outcome of a certain situation, and yet you still face it head-on. The odds are in no one’s favor during this period. The odds are just odds. It can go either way. Faith gives you strength to take a chance, with full knowledge that you just MIGHT fail. The odds of succeeding are equal. 50/50. Faith means that you understand the possibility that you might not get what you want, in the end, but you choose to try anyway…after all, the odds are just as much in your favor, too.
#2…believe that is not based on proof…well, HELLO! No proof, here, what-so-ever. It’s amazing what happens when you choose to step, anyway. After all, things just might work out for the better, even if you DO lose. IE: being denied for the first apartment 😀 I was denied, but something sooo much better came along! In the end, I won!!
If you are facing something that you aren’t sure what the outcome will be, you might be discouraged and afraid, too. Faith means you move, in spite of it! Guaranteed, you will be happy when you do. You might fail from time to time, but the next corner, or the next page, or the next step COULD bring you to something that you need or want, even MORE!
It’s days like the last few I had, that keep our britches just the right size for us. I was told (in a way, though not audibly) not to take ANYTHING for granted! Be grateful for the times that things are in your favor. Never lose sight of what “could have been”. It will keep you grounded and realistic, I assure you 😀
I was blessed today, in the form of a reprimand and a future write-up from my boss. I am relieved and VERY thankful!