Faith…

It’s amazing how lately I have had countless tests come my way. The first of these was the contest. I conquered that fear. Actually, I didn’t really conquer it…I moved forward IN SPITE OF it. I was still afraid all the way up till the end. We won’t go into what I was afraid of. There were too many reasons to list here…though in the end I won.

Next was turning in a 2 week notice to my boss with job #2. With that one, I was afraid of disappointing him…of his anger… I “sucked it up”, allowed a confident tone in my voice and followed through… in the end I won.

I finally got enough money to be able to move from this home. I felt confident about getting into a new apartment that I absolutely LOVED! I was denied. I thought the world had come to an end. I cried, threw my own personal pity party, dried my tears and looked again…

I found a house. It’s cute, absolutely perfect, in the perfect neighborhood and still 10 minutes from my work. I was afraid of getting denied again, yet I looked at it and turned in the application/credit check. I waited for word, still afraid I would lose this one, too. In the end, I won…

I signed the lease, paid my installment, gave Tracy a hug then went to work last Friday. My day went like every other day, except that I was VERY short in my till that night after closing. Enough to lose my job. Enough to put a stomp on my perfect plans, set for the perfect day…my one year anniversary of breaking up with the Monster (for the final time).

We looked high and low. This is something I have NEVER had happen EVER! But it happened. It was my till, regardless of anything or any reasons. I was responsible. Saturday, the assistant manager combed through every invoice and piece of paper from the previous day. Still nothing. My store manager came in (on his day off) to help look. Still nothing. I was afraid. I was in tears, sure I was going to lose my job. Sunday came and went, yet still no word. Monday, too. Today I left for work, afraid of what I might hear. I was told that my till was ready for me, and I went to work wondering if this would be my LAST day. I asked my boss. He said we’d talk later. Today was over and done, yet we still didn’t talk. I asked him point-blank, on the way out the door, “Yes or no…do I still have my job?” He said, “Yes, but we’ll have to talk about this…I’m too tired tonight.” I was scared out of my mind when I left for work! I tried to have a couple of decent days off, but the worry and fear still lingered until I got there, started my shift, finished my day, all the way up until I finally cornered him for an answer… In the end I Won! Bring on the big fat write-up! I’d gladly take 2, to keep my job today!!

If I had lost my job, I would have had to turn down this perfect house, to be taken over on the perfect day, in the perfect neighborhood (for me). I had fought for the past year to get enough money to move…actually, almost 2 years. I’ve finally got most (if not all) of my ducks in a row, in order to be free from my X, completely! Yet, here was this potential road block. How would I cope with it if I DID lose my job? The money I had saved would be for surviving in this hole, instead of its original intention of helping me get OUT. I would have been back to square one, with the Psychopath still able to watch me, my daughter and my home from the comfort of his job for at least another year…maybe longer…

I went to work, trying to feign faith, but only feeling uncertainty and fear. In the end…I WON!

I still get to move! I still have my job!! I still get my house, in the perfect neighborhood, and ON the perfect day! Woo Hoo!!

Little (or big) life lessons…I’m almost 46…when the heck are we DONE LEARNING THESE STINKING LESSONS?!

Be that as it may… The title of this entry, “Faith“:

Some think of faith solely in the guise of religion. Personally, I assumed it meant facing the unknown WITHOUT ANY FEAR. I used to think that if you were afraid, discouraged or worried about an outcome of some difficulty, that it was a sign that you didn’t have any Faith. I was wrong.

Dictionary.com lists the definition(s) as follows:

1) confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another’s ability
2) belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that his hypothesis would be substantiated by fact 
3) belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religionthe firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4) belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit,etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning   honesty.

#1 says something about confidence. Does confident mean fearless? Not on your sweet bumpkins! It means you hold your head high, come-what-may. It means that you understand that you have no way of knowing the true outcome of a certain situation, and yet you still face it head-on. The odds are in no one’s favor during this period. The odds are just odds. It can go either way. Faith gives you strength to take a chance, with full knowledge that you just MIGHT fail. The odds of succeeding are equal. 50/50. Faith means that you understand the possibility that you might not get what you want, in the end, but you choose to try anyway…after all, the odds are just as much in your favor, too.

#2…believe that is not based on proof…well, HELLO! No proof, here, what-so-ever. It’s amazing what happens when you choose to step, anyway. After all, things just might work out for the better, even if you DO lose. IE: being denied for the first apartment 😀 I was denied, but something sooo much better came along! In the end, I won!!

If you are facing something that you aren’t sure what the outcome will be, you might be discouraged and afraid, too. Faith means you move, in spite of it! Guaranteed, you will be happy when you do. You might fail from time to time, but the next corner, or the next page, or the next step COULD bring you to something that you need or want, even MORE!

It’s days like the last few I had, that keep our britches just the right size for us. I was told (in a way, though not audibly) not to take ANYTHING for granted! Be grateful for the times that things are in your favor. Never lose sight of what “could have been”. It will keep you grounded and realistic, I assure you 😀

I was blessed today, in the form of a reprimand and a future write-up from my boss. I am relieved and VERY thankful!

 

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12 thoughts on “Faith…

  1. “Do the lessons ever end?” Nope. There’s always something new to learn. 🙂

    I pair faith and fear. Fear makes me think twice and hopefully avoid doing some really stupid things. Faith keeps me from being frozen in place. You don’t need my chapter 15. You get it. 😀

    One of my last work days for a drug store I was short, by a large amount. I was devastated. I’d made one of the fatal errors: I was distracted by a customer who kept changing out bills on a busy day. It happened again to another cashier later that week. A couple of old guys, con artists, cheats. It still burns. I allowed them to fluster me. Live and learn.

    1. thank you Judy 🙂 I know you are just as detail oriented as I am. I’ve been cashiering since I was 18 years old. I know where the fatal errors can be. Heck, I had them grilled into my head during my first training session, oh-so-long-ago! But, for what ever reason, I allowed for one of the “fatal” errors to take hold. Allowing a distraction. I have been thinking about Friday, over and over. Where could the money have gone? I caught a short-change artist in his steps just a couple of weeks ago, and was pretty proud of myself. I think I’ve figured out where it MIGHT have gone…

      Relatively early in my day, there was this customer…he bought some brake parts, I think…He was a little irritated already… he handed me his money. Just then I had one of the drivers bring me some money and cash IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TRANSACTION WITH THE CUSTOMER. I handed him his receipt. As he walked out the door, I had that familiar pang of, “wait a minute” then wondered if he even paid. I thought, “oh, I’m sure he paid”…come to find out, I don’t think he did. You see, he took his money BACK from me, at one point, just before the driver handed me her invoice. He was irritated about whatever…I was distracted. Fatal error.

      As far as what I have learned about faith?? With my ‘fear of the unknown’ being such an issue all my life, I always felt like I was falling short, spiritually (for a time), or just in general. It always took over my life. We are ALL HUMAN. Unless we all have had our frontal lobes removed at some point in our lives, we will feel discouragement, fear, what-have-you. If we say we conform to societies definition of “faith”, which is blind belief without fear at all, we would be liars. I would say, Psychopaths are probably able to have that blind belief without fear or any other emotion for that matter.

      A wonderful lesson. The only question I have, now?? Why the HECK did it take me so long to learn?!

      1. You know the answer to that one already: You were taught to not trust yourself. Just like the money: You knew something wasn’t quite right, but not trusting yourself kicked in. You are changing. Good for you!

        1. One of the things I hate worse in life, more than almost any other thing…C*H*A*N*G*E!!! It’s painful, excruciating, embarrassing, scary, and soo many more…but generally needed, and wonderful in the end. (I don’t think I will ever look forward to ‘change’ of any kind.) I’ll just grit my teeth and bear it 😀

          Huggs, girlie!

          1. I can so relate to the NOT believing in oneself~forever and still…. ;/

            BUT…I was sad when I read your comment to the part about C*H*A*N*G*E and not wanting to keep on going through Hell, (like we are/were doing ANYway, right?
            Wouldn’t it be GREAT to GET to the end part you stated??
            :~ *but generally needed, and wonderful in the end.*`~:
            I HOPE this is what it’s all about…..,.being wonderful at the end!!??

          2. I have sort of changed the way I look at ‘change’. I don’t like change. I don’t believe many people do. It stretches our comfort zone out of the familiar, and pulls us into the unknown. Change is inevitable. We can avoid some of it, but what happens when we do? We stay exactly the same, with the same situations, the same responses and the same old fear that keeps us from growing. I like things to stay the way I’m used to…my surroundings, no surprises that demand i “handle” them, even though I don’t know how to…just easy, normal, (even if our lives are chaotic…if it’s what we are used to, it’s still within our comfort zones). The “wonderful” part about change, isn’t necessarily attaining anything. It’s seeing an obstacle ahead of us that demands our attention, and we stand up to meet the challenge, though it comes without instructions (Just that, is positive change..stretching our potential, and seeing the growth inside as a result). It’s the fact that we have gone from ‘frozen’ in fear only to continue on in the same old habits, which cause us to seek out the same old wet-blanket friends, and NEVER see our situations become better, to meeting the obstacles and challenges, head on! I picture a huge bull, here. They will charge a massive 12,000 (I can only guess what a bus actually weighs) pound bus, head first! I imagine them knowing about the predictable head-ache, yet they charge ahead anyway. Nothing is written in stone, as to how it will turn out.

            Me, I want to make sure I am NEVER target again! That means learning to recognize the weak areas I have carried all my life, and taking steps to change my habitual behaviors. Even the way I normally think about things.

            it isn’t about BEING wonderful at the end. It’s about recognizing that you are ALREADY WONDERFUL! Just learning to recognize, live and love to our FULL potential, and not just what is comfortable for us. when we take a step into the unknown, seeing the end result is our reward. It’s not what defines us. It’s never easy, that’s for darn sure. I wish it were. But, honestly, what if it WAS easy? Would seeing our goals and dreams through in the end, be as rewarding to us? It would just be another boring day, with a pretty flower in the mix.

            Change is scary, and never fun while we are in the middle of it, but when everything is said and done, we have met each obstacle head on…we can look back at everything in the end (after the situation, dream, challenge is over) and see just how it happened just as we needed it to. not necessarily what we wanted at the time, but better than we had originally settled for. Hope this makes sense.

        2. By the way…about not trusting myself. you are 100% correct! Still working on that one. I hadn’t realized it until now, that was why I made the mistake. I didn’t listen to my gut…{again}

    1. I can’t begin to express how relieved I am..and so far, still no write-up! My boss believes in me. When I got rid of my X, I had a lot of trust to rebuild at my job. My boss was one I needed to rebuild some integrity and faith with, as far as how he looked at me as an employee. I mended a bridge that I needed to. That one was difficult, but good. My hard work at work, has paid off. My boss trusts and believes in me now. A beautiful thing!

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