Then vs. Now

Welp, 4 more days until I get the keys to my new home. 4 more days until I can walk to my car without a thought of whether my x-monster is watching me or not. 4 more days…

June 25, 2011…my journal says that is when I “broke up with him”. I broke up with him on Father’s day, that year! I think what I was talking about in my journal entry was, it was the last day I would cater to his f’ed up mental influx. His trash pile. Either way, it was my last day that I listened to him at ALL! The next few weeks would bring a roller-coaster… him panicking because he knew he lost, but he tried to pour it on THICK, anyway…”you need help”, “I’m the only one who has ever tried to help you through this”… As always, my mental retort was, “you caused this, ass-hole!”. He lied, again. My friend (one in particular) has ALWAYS been there for me. She has been a shoulder for me, a drinking and singing friend, and a strong-arm when I needed one. This time…though she offered…this one was MY battle. In order to get away, I had to do my OWN fighting. One of the last things that was said between us: I told him that it would be nice to hear something encouraging. He said, “You don’t need that. I’m giving you what you need…I’m HELPING you!” All I said to him in response, was; “I think I’m going to say good-night now” and turned and walked away, leaving him standing there. I really WAS ‘that’ calm. He yelled at me, all the way to his car. “You’re delusional! Go ahead and live in denial…you need help!” and it continued…I could hear him, still…though I shut the door. Shut him out…for good.

5 days went by, then I received a call from him. He immediately started in on the mental bs. I hung up on him. He’d call back. I hung up again…he called back, saying I was “juvenile”. I threatened a restraining order if he continued to call. He started texting my phone. Yes I saved EVERY text!  He tried one last attempt to cause me to be afraid, still. He said that a little birdy told him that I was already seeing someone, and that I was hanging all over the guys at work. That in itself told me that WHOEVER the little ‘birdy’ was, had no CLUE about me, what was going on, and had a love for gossip. That person built up the fact that I joke with EVERY one at work, and told my X (actually, now that I think about it, HE’S the one that twisted whatever was said, to turn it into ammo he might be able to use). I went to management and told them about EVERYTHING! He wanted me to still stay quiet, by making me believe he had someone “watching” me at work.

I know I sounded crazy to them. It sounded crazy to me. I told them he was attempting to utilize the final steps of brainwashing (yeah, I said it to them). Told them he’d kept me quiet for over a year, and afraid of my own shadow. I even told them about the little “birdy”. Now, I think  I’ve figured out who the little birdy was. My Narcissistic co-worker…the OTHER cashier! There’s another story, that will wait til later.

My neighbors told me that he was STILL driving by my home, through the complex, at all hours of the night. Just a few days before that, I also caught him in an attempt to set up a scheme which included me, and another co-worker. It was centered in jealousy. He didn’t believe that I had never gone out with the other guy, even after my monster and I broke up in January. He was trying to get me to say something negative about that co-worker, so he could go and tell him about it…under the guise of the “hero”, and get the scoop on me, from him. I caught him and called him on what he had originally said vs. the facts. He called me a liar, delusional, etc etc etc…oh yea, “YOU NEED HELP!”. I realized how extremely dangerous my X REALLY was, then…coupled with my neighbor’s accounts…I filed for an emergency restraining order. I took copies to my manager, who sent copies to my X’s manager… Court…I lost. But, it got him to disappear. To leave me alone. I won, really.

A week went by, after I filed the restraining order. I got an email from him. All it said was, “Hi”. I called the police. I knew his boss showed the order to him, when he got it, though he managed to elude being served the papers. The police knocked on his door that night to serve him. He didn’t answer, so they talked to his NEIGHBORS! Yep, every one of them who HATED him already… He complained in court that I made him look bad to his neighbors. Nope, his ass-hole-ism, and controlling crap, caused everyone around him to hate him.  I was DONE with him, his psychological mumbo-jumb0, reprogramming attempts, fear tactics…EVERYTHING! I made it public, and followed through with what I told him I would do.

This entire experience…for that year…left me an absolute psychological, mental and emotional BASKET CASE! Afraid of my own shadow. I didn’t trust anyone, because they thought he was “mr wonderful”, “mr. integrity”… I was aware of how my own skin felt on my body, and I was uncomfortable…for several months following.

Though, it’s lacking in some other details … such as the fourth of July… That was “then”

Today…4 days away from absolute freedom, I find myself confident (actually, MORE confident, as there is definite room for improvement), not so uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel freer to be myself around my co-workers and customers (OOhhh…the CUStomers! lol!).

I, pretty early on, forced myself to remember the person I WAS, before the psychopath…before hell…before he stole me away, for a time. It was hard to force myself to concentrate on positive ANYTHING. My mind wanted to constantly rehash EVERYTHING he said and did. I would think, “I’m crazy”…then realize that wasn’t MY thought…THAT WAS HIS! I’d take immediate steps to shut out that input. I missed “me”. I missed who I used to be. it seemed so long ago. I thought, “what would I normally do in ‘this’ situation?”, then though I felt like i was faking it…I reaffirmed who I KNEW myself to be, with action. That became one of the best things I could do. Muscles remember…so do psyche’s and hearts. They not only remember the bad, but remember the GOOD as well! wonderful!

Today, I’m not afraid of him…not really. I am still uncomfortable, since I don’t want to see him or have to talk to him, but I’m not afraid OF him anymore. He’s trying SOO hard to destroy me at work, but I know that he’s making himself out to be an idiot. A fool. He’s still that irritant… uncomfortable and grueling. My world is soo far removed from him, now.

I’m Gaining faith and confidence, daily. I’ve proven to myself that I really AM capable to see my dreams come true. Fear and uncertainty don’t have to control me, anymore. He tried very hard to make me into a mold able, pliable and controllable lump of spineless goo. He did a great job, but didn’t get to the final steps to solidify his creation.

I’m really proud that I faced pure evil, and I’m thriving inspite of everything. Better and stronger in many ways, than I was before the twit ever came along.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, now, and it’s BEAUTIFUL!

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