For those of you, fresh out of a psychologically abusive relationship

The beginning stages of healing, after getting out of a relationship with a “cluster-B” (as I have recently learned about..which includes narcissists, psych/sociopaths, etc)…I won’t lie to you and tell you its “easy” or “a short battle” because, frankly, it’s pure hell. In fact, it’s every bit as excruciating, for a time, as the hell you just got out of. The difference is, it’s the pain of processing, moving forward and HEALING. JUST DON’T GIVE UP ON YOURSELF, DURING THIS PROCESS!!!

When I escaped my Monster, I had a few driving facts echoing around me and inside of me, which really HAS helped me to keep the drive to keep fighting through the torment left by my X:

  • Freedom!!! I compared my life that year, to my idea of the proverbial, biblical account of a place called “hell”. A place where the ungodly go. Eternal punishment, damnation, etc. etc. Hell didn’t sound so bad, after I left him. The constant thought (and I was elated!!!) I had was, I lived through REAL hell, REAL torment, REAL EVIL, fought to be free and WON! Every bad experience I could ever go through, or had ever gone through, paled in comparison!! I looked into the eyes of evil, and lived. I walked (ran) away, gaining my freedom, which I lost for a little over a year. The sun never looked so beautiful. The smells and sounds around me became their own music. I couldn’t imagine heaven being much better than this! you are free!!! Accept this for yourself, breath it, live it, love every minute from this point forward!
  • Recognize that the thoughts in your mind, especially in the early days, are not YOUR OWN! Don’t let yourself forget how he tormented you, drilling into your mind EVERY belittling word…calling you ‘delusional’, ‘juvenile’, ‘stupid’, or even trying to convince you that everything was your fault for what ever reason. recognize that these aren’t YOUR thoughts…DON’T CARRY THEM! They are carefully placed, drilled and conditioned to be a PART of his CALCULATED attempts to control everything about you, who you are, your thoughts and actions. It was a sick game of his, wasn’t it? 
  • Once you have recognized what are actually HIS lies, mulling around in your psyche…take steps to silence them…SILENCE HIM…for good. Find something positive…anything…to replace those thoughts with. With practice, it will become easier, I assure you! I found positive affirmations helped with this. With time, you will be surprised at how seldom you are hearing his voice. You’ll notice changes and improvements in days.
  • Read, read, read…learn, learn, learn: Don’t fear your questions of “how”, or “why”…or even “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??” If you get an “I wonder…” research the subject. Understanding what you have been through, and what exactly you had DEALT with…the name of the Monster, etc. to the best of your ability, really IS recommended. You might feel like you’ve become obsessed. In a way, that’s true…so was I. But (through reading) I learned that it’s called the “understanding” phase. You aren’t the only one who has ever been in this spot! Read, and learn…it’ll give you some peace to understand as much as you can. Don’t get discouraged if it isn’t completely settled inside of you. You have been through absolute hell, with someone who’s sick, twistedness is such that you could NEVER have dreamed of or imagined in you worst nightmares. You won’t be able to completely understand everything you have been through, but soon  you will be ok with it. 
  • Seek support: I was still alone in everything when I escaped. I thought and knew I sounded crazy when I went to co-workers for help. All they heard from me was a whole lot of information, mixed with begging. Information that no one can possibly fathom, unless they have been through it themselves. In the attempt to ask for help, I inadvertently affirmed everything my X was telling them… They believe(d) that I really WAS/am crazy! One of the best things I could have done is begin my blog. The fact that you are reading this, means you are on the right road!!!
The final thing you need to accept for yourself, and you WILL realize while researching is…and this truly is the most important part…
you are not alone anymore
you are not alone anymore
Should I repeat that for you??

you are not alone anymore!!!!!

You have made it this far!! You are STRONGER THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE…

I am here for you, as is everyone else here.

It gets easier, i PROMISE you 😀

23 thoughts on “For those of you, fresh out of a psychologically abusive relationship

  1. I have been reading your posts this past week and all of them have been wonderful. I am so glad you have a new home and that your life is in a better place. Thank you for having the courage to leave hell and find your way. You hold a light for others trying to find their way. Thank you for that. You are inspirational. Sending love…

    1. At the time, it wasn’t even courage…though I had to have it to leave. It was almost a ‘life or death’ choice for me. In order to live free of a dangerous situation, I had to recognize just how evil a person he is, become scared as HELL, and RUN!! Thank you for the encouragement!! You are truly growing leaps and bounds already! Keep those feet moving 🙂 No matter how discouraged you get.

  2. As a young person, I remember I started saying, “I could live with the the devil himself if I had to, and sometimes I have.” My sister spared me from the worst of the evil, but what I grew up in could have killed me, if I hadn’t kept fighting for me. This is an great post, lifebegins45!

    1. I’m almost envious of people who are close to their brothers and sisters. My brother and I aren’t close at all. In fact, we hardly speak. I kind of miss that 🙂 It means everything to have a good support system. It sounds like you and your sister have always been able to rely on eachother. That’s such a wonderful thing!!

      1. WOW…you KNEW it, didn’t you? 😉
        I was so bad yesterday that I couldn’t get around to reading this until this morning!
        No, I didn’t screw up…..I DID text him….but I didn’t screw up.
        It’s confirmed MORE to mine that I am inDEED in Stage 5 because this Monday is week 4 and this has NEVER happened…
        Why would there be?
        My text was a picture of the paragraph I want to put on paper along with his mug.

        **~~TROLL ALERT**~~
        There is a man on the prowl looking for a woman he can take FULL advantage of.
        When I say FULL, I mean EVERYthing!
        He will lie about the spelling of his name, his age, his location, his job, his INTENT.
        Did I mention…..MONEY???

        I sent him that picture along with a message saying….
        Now all I need is a picture and a shit load of vertical structures.
        I’ll provide the picture….your town, and every one in between, will provide the structures.

        K, deep deep deep down (maybe not THAT deep) I wanted a response but today, I am happy there wasn’t one.
        Why would there be?
        HE chose to run, HE chose to borrow money from me and yes, HE chose to never pay me back before he even asked me for the loan(s).
        Maybe deep deep deep down I knew he never would but it didn’t matter.(?)
        If he owed me, he’d never leave and if he ever wanted more, he’d stay/be back.
        LOL! And here, I’m accusing HIM of robbing ME of my MORALS!?
        Maybe it’s HIGH time I put mine in check.

        Thanks for the post.
        As always, PERfect timing.

        1. LOL!! AWESOME! My idea of cutting up his cards into little itty bitty pieces, then super-gluing them to his windshield really DOES pale in comparison to your idea:) BUT… I’m happy to take second, here! You’re idea is so much better!! Awesome that you sent it in a text to him! I’m glad he didn’t respond though. The idea is to heal… lol! In the early stages, emotions have a tendency to sway from one extreme to the other. Don’t trust your feelings right now. Make no snap decisions, regarding any man, relationship, or even your X. Call a good friend, and bash him verbally, to her. You’ll feel better, and won’t have done anything you might regret later. You’re awesome 🙂

          1. Hey~
            (Love the super glue idea actually more than mine!)

            Sure, I threw a few more in there…like,
            Payback’s a bitch, especially when it’s a bitch you need to payback.~LIKE THAT? I SURE DID!
            Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.~SADLY, IT’S THE ONLY CHARACTER OF STRENGTH IN YOU.

            ANYthing to what, remind him he owes me or remind him that I will NEVER forget or remind him….
            (let’s be HONEST 😦
            That I am still reeling whirling and trying to find my balance after he pulled out the carpet.

            So, those posts were done one day at a time…..meaning Saturday’s was the last one and guess what?
            After almost 4 weeks, he CALLED!
            The phone jumped 6 inches out of my hand (doesn’t sound like much but it was a LOT as I didn’t DO it!(?)
            Then, my whole 1.4 years of memories with him just about DROWNED me, along with the feeling of LOVE/HATE/CERTAIN/SAFE/SCARED/CONFUSED/TURMOIL/ANGER/DEFEAT/PLEASURE/DESPAIR….all that in a matter of the length of a cell phone’s incoming ring.
            And then….complete silence…is he or isn’t he going to leave a message?
            My heart going BOOM BOOM BOOM and there it was….
            the trill of an unanswered phone call/missed message alert.

            THREE hours later, I told my sis how scared I was to listen to it.
            Would he be mad, happy(?)……so I sent it to her to listen.
            She didn’t call back so after one more hour, I listened to what I SHOULD have known all along.
            Complete and utter NOTHINGNESS!!!!!!!!!!

            “Hi~I’m at Road America with Big Jimmy. He got us free tickets. Alright, so, go ahead and call me later.”

            If I could ONLY take that OUTTA’ the BLUE statement as the sure fire sign that I am NOT dealing with someone that has even CLOSE to a full deck but Noooooooooo……..I called my BFF and said, again after alMOST 4 weeks of NOTHING from him….”Maybe I’M wrong!? Maybe the hurt is MAKING me find faults in him that I won’t/can’t see in me!”

            cause although I KNOW she had the only response there could possibly BE from me talking such gibberish…was correct…that I was FAR from being!!

            my doubts came flooding back in to trip up the LARGE steps I have taken in the last 26 days

            😦 😦

          2. I suppose it was better/easier for me to accept the ‘nothingness’ because it’s what I had fought for, for several months before actually getting it THROUGH HIS THICK SKULL that I wanted nothing more to do with him. You aren’t crazy in thinking he really WAS and IS everything you remember. When the world falls out from under you in an instant, it sends you reeling in every upheaval you can ever imagine, all at once. Been there, too. You scramble for something solid around you…even if it means going back to the one who sent you there, to begin with. The question you need to ask yourself, and TRUST YOURSELF IN YOUR ANSWER… “If I try again with him, where will I be in a year?…In 5 years? … With everything you KNOW to be true already, do you honestly think something, somewhere will change? He caused you these fears, turmoil etc…in a year… You’ve only just scratched the surface in what he’s capable of. Don’t underestimate him. He’s watching you, too…and not in a loving way. He’s looking at you as a tool, something to be conquered. You won, when he left, even though you feel like the world is in shambles at your feet. You are one step closer, every day, to such better everything. A better life ahead. A better you…stronger, more powerful, more self-assured than you ever thought possible. Would you have that to look forward to, with him in your life? Only you can answer that one. Trust your gut…your ‘intuition’. That instant thought that something might go awry, the one that you push away without a second thought…those insta-thoughts are usually the ones that are intuitive and are Rarely wrong. You’re doing great!! One day at a time. One battle at a time. You can conquer this one. I’m glad you have a friend you can run everything by. She’ll be the one who carries you for the most part.

      2. Actually, it’s a lot more complicated. My sister couldn’t show she loved me as a child because it would be used against her. I was the weapon of choice by several people. In addition, my NM did everything she could to isolate us through the years. When my sister was going through a rough patch, our NM wouldn’t allow her to talk to anyone but her, because “they aren’t here,” when I was standing there next to her, or “Oh? You wanted to talk to Ruth? She was in a hurry.” She pitted us against each other, and almost succeeded in driving a wedge between all of us. Then I started counseling. I started to change. The closeness with my sister is relatively new, as is the closeness with my younger brother. He was the favorite and NM had no problem telling me so. I am not close to my two older brothers. My choice. A healthy one. I’m very grateful my sister and younger brother and I were able to salvage our relationship. It does help to have them in my support system, but my current support system is only about ten years old.

        1. I’m sorry you had to contend with that, growing up. It’s too bad that we can’t choose our parents. You’re doing great, in spite of everything. I’m happy for you that you have been able to salvage relationships with your siblings. Not an easy thing to do since I’m sure that conditioning, and trying to change insta-anxieties, regarding them, wasn’t an easy task. You’re doing great! You and Ruth 🙂

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  4. vicariousrising

    Awesome post. So, why didn’t you write this several months ago just for me? Just kidding! Even now I need these reminders. So, thank you!

    1. lol!! No worries 🙂 I wasn’t thinkng, then… I still need daily reminders, sometimes. I have one major mantra that goes with me every time things get overwhelming, and it REALLY fits in this instance…”Breathe in, breathe out….one foot in front of the other”. It’s my reminder to keep my feet moving (keep pressing forward) no matter HOW overwhelming things get at any given time. When things from my past relationship seem to really hit HARD or I get discouraged. If I stop, he wins. Gotta run for a while. Have a wonderful day!!

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      1. lol!! I have to work today. It’s my normal day off, but for whatever reason, the ‘powers that be’ have dictated that I work today. I need to be able to do the ‘mad-pack-and-dash’, but alas… ain’t happenin till this weekend :(. It’ll still happen, though. I would LOVE to go get my hair cut. The gal that I have found is WONNNderful! A little more expensive than I’m used to paying, but she definitely treats her clients right! Better than a day at the spa.

  6. Reblogged this on divorcingapsychopath and commented:
    Today, my life is my own, as I’ve won some and I’ve lost some too, lost the ones I perhaps never really had, as they were unable to give at a time I so desperately needed them, at least to acknowledge the pain, lying, and cheating they had witnessed. I have gained friendships, becoming closer to the ones I have had for many years. I have lost interest in others. I will leave behind those who straddled the fence, who watched me suffer with a blind eye, as it was easier to do then to really acknowledge the pain and suffering they too had observed/witnessed over the many years of friendship. Those who still communicate with the Psychopath/Psychosissy, as to remain neutral is easier, and thus, allows for more pain to the victim/victims of such pathologies, as what the hell is neutral anyway? A person who is neutral becomes nothing to no one, this I have learned, this I will never be and/or do. To take a stand, one way or another is the only decent thing to do. To pretend not to notice, to not validate the victim/victims of such horrible pathologies is shameful, hurtful, and further compromises those who have already been so harmed. I guess, there is no shade of grey for me any longer, as there never really was, there is right, there is wrong, there is sick, and there is evil, and there are those unwilling to notice, to choose a side. I will continue to crusade for those who have been wronged, as to be neutral means to be nothing to no one. I will always remember who stood by me, walked with me, and those who waved to me from the sidelines as to not become involved, not to validate my pain and suffering, pretended not to notice, pretended that these pathologies are not real, not happening. I can forgive, yet, I cannot ever forget!

    1. I, too, can forgive those who helped further my x’s abuse. They have been conned too. They have no idea what they are dealing with, in him. However, I still see them as threats, even thought they are ignorant of what they are doing. One in particular, however, KNOWS…yet she is still the happy little gossip, running and telling him everything about me…probably including the fact that I’m moving. She asked where I would be moving to, and tried to narrow it down to a direction. Thing is, I trust her about as much as my X-monster. I will placate her with an answer…just not the right one.

      Thank you for reblogging this, and for your comment!! Fight on, crusader…I’m with you in the ranks 🙂

      We will forgive many, though not all. We will never, nor can we EVER, FORGET.

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  9. Great post – and your experience is similar to one I am still working through. I was married to a clinically diagnosed “narcissist” (he doesn’t know he is) for 23 years – and getting over it is not easy. I divorced 6 years ago (he remarried immediately!!!) and I now know that my father was the beginning of the easy transition to my marriage. My father always has to be right and used religion (and still does) to hammer home his righteousness. My ex told me I was crazy, always had the wrong perception (even threatening to call in witnesses to prove my delusion) and he was the ultimate charmer. I remember him coming home from work one day (he is a healthcare professional) and telling me that his co-workers called him “Dr. Love” (he wasn’t a doctor) because he had the hands of love and could heal. Instead of questioning HIS DELUSION, I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn’t happy being married to such a saint.

    Today I know better and finally (for the first time in my life) listen to my intuition and own higher voice that was squashed for so many years. Yet it is a journey that is not easy. I am mostly alone, I seldom date (despite being reasonably attractive, I just don’t get asked out by anyone who is attractive to me), but I am becoming much more enamored with the “Royal We” (me, myself and I).

    I wish you a happy rest of your life, and congratulate you on “Waking up” long before the 25 years it took me!

    1. Hi Carol! I apologize that it took so long to respond to your comment. I’m sorry you went through this, too! Your x sounds like mine! I believe the only reason I was able to get away as soon as I did was because I never moved in with, nor married him. Believe me, he did try to convince me several times that was exactly what I should do. He tried very HARD! Congratulations to you for growing the balls needed, in order to stay away from him. You came out of hell and survived!! You won. It isn’t an easy fight to become completely whole again. These types of people are psychological predators (not to ignore the emotional side), and you were psychologically raped for 25 years! That’s a lot to heal from. I’m happy for you that you are free, and moving on successfully in your life. That’s the best and most effective revenge we have, that will leave the monster spinning where they stand. Live proudly! 😀

      Thank you for stopping by.

  10. Pingback: For those of you, fresh out of a psychologically abusive relationship | My Blog

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