My count-down indicates that today is my “One Year” mark. The beginning of the end of hell, torment, abuse by a Psychopath…I should say “direct” abuse…but non-the-less…today is a wonderful day!! The day I actually broke up with him was June 19th. June 25, is when I made the decided CHOICE to NEVER listen to his psychological mumbo-jumbo, again!! A great, moment-by-moment strengthening day!
I learned the power of the “end call” button. I learned the power of being passive-aggressive and casually walking away from him when he’d start in, trying to ‘matter of factly’ speak to me about my ‘mental’ issues, and how HE was the ONLY one who tried to help me through it. Mental issues??? (please pardon the profanity here..but it’s needed) To him, now, I say, “FUCK you!!” I said it in other ways, then. I took control of the conversation when he tried to convince me of how unstable I was. When he tried to convince me that all of “our” problems were because I had “past relationship” issues.
He expected me to forget the fact that he used “out of the blue” attacks to keep me feeling unbalanced, teetering and afraid at every turn. Every time I tried to have fun with him, jokingly, he would snap back about something…anything…completely unrelated. He left me wondering “what the hell just happened, here?!”… Then the silent treatment. Or better yet, “you don’t exist” treatment. Yep, that was out of the blue, too. Usually in a time that we had planned for. Just hours before, he would express how he looked forward to spending time with me. I would show up… then…’nothing’. I would try to talk to him…’nothing’. I would sit next to him on the couch… nothing. He sat, stiff as a board, staring straight ahead…’nothing’. A few times, I just got my stuff together and left. Other times, I sat there feeling like I did something to provoke this, and trying to get him to talk to me. It was his plan, as I later learned.
Then, also out of the blue, he would come back, feigning concern, “I know you have been upset. I just wanted to do something nice for you” and pull out a new gift, pretending to “care” about my feelings that HE ALONE created…though he tried incessantly to ‘nicely’ talk to me about my ‘delusions’ and ’emotional/mental’ issues!
Here I go again, glorifying the monster. He does that enough, by himself.
Today, I want to talk about what is left. Contrary to what ever belief is “out there”, the only power he has over me is…well, it just ISN’T anymore. He spreads lies about me, gaining whatever “Awww…I’m sorry…” he can get from co-workers and family that he’s CONNED into believing a lie. He uses the other cashier as a pawn…never the less, a WILLING pawn. I see her in the same light…. THEY are a waste of my time, draining, and worthless.
I realized the other day, how I thought of pity toward the monster. Then I realized why…HE’S A FOOL!! HE’S ALONE IN HIS LIES, as the Narcissist that is aiding him. They both look like the minute organisms they are. Big mouths, no hearts in them, and…ehh…HEMMM…. NO FRIENDS!!!! They are alone in this world. Very alone.
I picked myself up by my boot-straps, when the time came and I was strong enough, then forged ahead…fighting to keep from looking back. Moving my feet…. I was continuously afraid, at first. That changed. I was continuously aware of ‘potential’ threats by him, co-workers, and anything around the corner (as he stalked me continuously). Today? I don’t want to provoke anything, as I am still very much aware of his potential…even that which I never saw… but, I know he can’t hurt me anymore. I mock him, inside. The tightrope I was teetering on, broke and I fell into a waiting train car, loaded with everything I LOVE. The “proverbial bomb” I waited for every day, blew up somewhere in his OWN mind. It never came for me again.
I am finding happiness again, succeeding in ways I never thought possible, and able to have pride in myself.
I don’t know what lies around the next corner. Here’s that ‘unknown’ thing again, that has always had me paralyzed in the past. Then? I would be frozen in step, averting the oncoming, unknown demons… Today? I face them head-on. The demons, the unknowns, aren’t so scary when you face them. Generally, I’ve learned that they are there for you to fight through to get to the “better” thing. Life. Hope. Little (or big) personal successes.
Above all, I have a greater sense of PEACE!!