This dialog that I’m posting is an example of when you ‘step back’ in a situation, and can see the whole picture. We had already broken up, yet he was still trying to keep me trapped. After all, it worked so well in the past. I continued to talk to him for a time. He had my daughter’s things in his garage. He offered, as a way to show her how he was the ‘good’ guy (before that, he had nothing good to say about her, and tried to keep my daughter and I apart). In the end, it was the only thing that was keeping us tied, even remotely. I continued to placate him, trying to find some way to diplomatically get rid of him. I had my job to think about, etc. In the end, the best option was to RUNNNN!!! And I did.
Prior to this point, I made a decision to stop listening to his crap. I stayed away for over a month…though he kept finding reasons to come around my place. I would come up with excuses as to why I couldn’t be there with him, or why I couldn’t spend time with him. It was all in the attempt to separate myself emotionally from him. I knew that was the only way I could get away, in the end. I was able to pay attention, more, once I stayed away more. I was able to recognize the manipulation and blatant brainwashing attempts, and I also was reminded that I held the cards, while talking to him on the phone. For all of you…you have the tools…HANG UP every time he tries his shit. I did. I also walked away, turned my back, refused to talk, refused any time…refused to listen or accept anything from him any longer. Is your monster still buying you things? Even car parts that you may or may not need?? It’s more ammo for him to use against you. DON’T ALLOW IT ANY LONGER!! Not even a candy bar!!!
I had no idea how much I knew, even before I ran from him. We had been broken up for a month and a half, at this point. Only a week later, did I realize just HOW dangerous he really was… this is a REAL dialog, saved in my emails. Names have been changed to keep from ‘public defamation of “character”, though we know he has no REAL character…only what he needs to APPEAR however he needs to at any given time.
It’s amazing how much you can see, when you step outside the pile… Even before ridding yourself completely of the psychopath…
I resent the original to him, here:
“Wow, did you even read that email? That’s not at all what was said. I’ll include it here:
“Ok…you want me to respond, I’ll respond…
When I voice my opinion (which isn’t my opinion, it’s generally how you make me feel), I don’t ridicule, judge or slam (intentionally). When you voice you’re “opinion”, it’s judgments, ridicule, and absolute attempts at manipulation. How am I doing? Feeling more like myself every day, thank you. Who is living in denial? The one who thinks going back to everything above will make it all “better” for me…when in all actuality, the only one who will benefit would be YOU. You think that the first thing that goes, which is the beginning of the absolute “end”, is intimacy. You couldn’t be more wrong, here. The first thing that goes is usually when the woman no longer feels secure in the relationship. This is usually the result of endless cruel taunts, and judgmental statements (other tactics are used too), intended to make the woman feel “less than”. Then goes the intimacy. I haven’t felt secure for months, with you. More than that, I’ve felt and been THREATENED! Each time I’ve opened my mouth to you, has given you more options
to use for ammo at a later (or sometimes, sooner) date. Want examples?? Think back to EVERYTHING you decided to say to me tonight, while we were sitting on the steps (I suppose you don’t remember). The lack of intimacy is causing more harm for me? Sounds like another vain manipulative technique to me, in order to convince me that having sex with you will make it “all better” for “me”, (aka: YOU). The end result? You can get “off” while maintaining your supposed integrity. Me? I’ll just be a tool for you. There are many things I can say to that one, as well as every other thing you said to me tonight. You’re pissed?? I couldn’t imagine why… I didn’t do anything to piss you OFF!! Except that I said “good-night”. I was as cordial as I could be in telling you I had heard enough. Though I suppose I really pissed you off, now. C’est la vie. Tie up loose ends? Again, C’est la vie. I don’t want, nor do I expect or need an apology from you. Tired of hearing them, to be perfectly honest. They have been half-hearted, blow-hard attempts at easing the situation, or offering a temporary pacifier for me. . You care? Naw…you’re just looking for another angle…
I see you..”
Sex has been your MAIN subject for being manipulative, as of late. Though it hasn’t been your only manipulative angle. I’ve asked myself why you’ve REALLY been in this, several times over the past year. It isn’t just for the sex, which couldn’t be more obvious. It isn’t because you love me (you’re words toward me have shown more contempt over the last year than LOVE). Sometimes the obvious only alludes me because I don’t want to believe it…I’m an easy target. You view women as an object/entity that deserves to be put down and controlled. Destroying a woman’s self-worth, is the best/easiest way to achieve this…but you already knew that, didn’t you? You chose me, not only because you thought I was pretty (Who wants something that isn’t nice looking?), but because you thought the job would be an easy one. I was “obviously hurt”, as you put it. The “easy job/target” usually comes pre-bruised, with a damaged psyche and heart. You just stepped into someone-else’s foot prints, and decided to try to finish the job. Women aren’t to be partners with. They are to be kept under the thumb, and made to understand their true PLACE in the relationship. Isn’t that right,? You stayed in this, because you didn’t want to start over with someone else. After all, you had already put so much time and hard work into what you presumed to be your final masterpiece.
You’re shallow enough to go out for nothing but sex. You’re also arrogant and shallow enough to think that is the only thing that should be needed to keep your “dream woman”. Buying her everything, to you, is just added insurance that she won’t leave you. You forget, you aren’t the only carp. You also aren’t the only man who has ever tried this. Unfortunately, I’m also not the only woman to have ever been targeted. I’ve been an easy target for you. That, I’m ashamed of. It was loud and clear from the beginning but I believed you loved me, also. I believed you’re whole goal wasn’t to hurt me and mold me into your “perfect woman” image… I hate being wrong, but hate being RIGHT even more.”
(The end of our conversation on the steps was when he informed me that all of the ridicule, judgmental statements, and out-right calling me ‘crazy’, was what I “needed”. after all he was “helping me”…I told him good night, turned away from him and left him standing there…)
This was literally DAYS before I went to management…filing a restraining order…catching him in a scheme to catch me in what he presumed was a lie, just before discovering that he was STILL stalking my home in the middle of the night.
I went through this with absolutely NO plan, other than understanding that I was emotionally and psychologically trapped. I understood that in order to get away, I would have to sever the emotional side. I picked several fights, before this, trying to get HIM to break up with me. It was what I wanted. It didn’t work. This was the only other option that I could see (separating myself emotionally by spending less and less time with him, talking on the phone, etc.) When we spent time together, it was MY call, in MY home and on MY OWN terms, free to end it as I saw the need. It’s amazing how the veil came off as a result.
Maybe you can relate to this, or find some ideas for you OWN situation if you are still struggling with being free from your psych/narc.