The many personalities of ‘Silence’


Silence.

Today, at 45 years old, that word brings as much peace as it does painful memories.

I remember, as a child, craving solitude…peace…away from other people. Away from the rest of the world around me. I was so afraid to even look at another person. I was afraid of anger. I was afraid of doing ‘something’ wrong. Of being hurt in some way. I remember walking in the midst of the rest of humanity, feeling horrendously exposed. I would try to sink inside myself as tightly as I could, as a measure of protection. I loved and cared about people. That wasn’t reciprocated, and I was prepared at ALL times, though not arming myself…but holing up in my own mental, psychological fox-hole. At my first opportunity, I would find a peaceful place to go…usually with whatever pet would go with me.

I had a favorite old stump I would sit on to watch the birds. I would study the weeds in the back acreage, notice how the trees smelled in the heat of the day, and pet the animals. There were goats that LOVED it when I would take them for a ‘walk’. My dog was always with me. When I was in tears, my dog stayed closer to me. It could be 100 degrees out, and my dog would still lay his head on my lap.

Silence and solitude is a much-needed thing in our lives. In healthy people’s lives, it’s a way to take a minute and reflect on a stressful day. We need that break to keep from ‘losing it’, and becoming so overwhelmed that we can’t function in a productive manner. In this respect, silence is a necessary, positive thing that allows us to remain internally, emotionally and spiritually, whole. Happier, functional human beings.

Silence. That word also conjures up a few negatives.

Any abuser, whether that be a pedophile, narcissist, psychopath or someone who resorts to violence in the home, requires and DEMANDS their victim to be silent. Especially while away from the abuser. After all, if the victim talks to anyone about what is happening, it means that the abuser will be exposed. The abuse will be known.

The pedophile in my life, learned of my fears of anger and hurting others’ feelings. He used that against me, in order to continue the abuse. I was 7, I think, when the abuse started. He would cry tears, when talking to me about what would happen if I told anyone. He didn’t threaten bodily harm. He said (and showed) I wouldn’t be allowed to come over anymore. He expressed his ‘love’ for me. What I saw and heard? I would hurt HIS feelings if I told anyone about it. I had an internal battle that I remember to this day. “How would I like it if someone hurt my feelings?” Forget about the abuse. I would have been ‘bad’ if I told anyone. To think I caused that grown man to cry, made me feel very guilty. The result? The abuse continued for YEARS, until my family and I moved to a neighboring town. It was there that I told my pastor, who in turn told my parents.

For whatever reason, I have always placed my wants and needs on the back-burner, in order to protect MYSELF from hearing anger, hurting feelings or feeling guilt because of it all. It was easier to allow myself to be the sacrifice, for the betterment of everyone around me. It wasn’t as painful as experiencing someone’s anger, or feeling like I was being ‘bad’ or ‘selfish’. For whatever reason, I didn’t matter. My needs never mattered. Well, they did I suppose, but I learned that enduring abuse was the easier road.

Silence. The enabler of abuser to continue abusing.

You would think that at my age, I would have gotten a handle on this.

Nope.

My life with the Monster proved to be a continuance of everything. I recognize my fears of anger, violence, and the like. I’ve been conditioned to remain silent when someone around me is angry. My X-monster also knew this, and used it against me. One of the first things he tested me for were any weaknesses. He found them. My one major one is the ability to manipulate me by using anger and guilt. I also recognize this, yet I am still powerless to change it. I know I’m not ‘powerless’, as my life is my  OWN to guide and live. I just don’t know how to change it. I’m naturally inclined…conditioned…to react a certain way to particular stimulus.

Then, the anger… He would GRILL me about who I’ve talked to, what was said, and made absolutely sure that I wasn’t talking about HIM or our relationship. Just a thought about whether I’d been talking to anyone, sparked a verbal onslaught that I was neither prepared for, nor was I able to protect myself from it when it happened.

What did I do? I remained silent, both during the tirade and in my interpersonal relationships.

What did this cause? The furthering of the abuse. I willingly ‘fed’ the psychopath his daily caloric intake of ‘ego boost’.

I’m 45, yet still a child in some regards.

I’d much rather have silence and peace residing together in my life, at my own choosing, in a balanced and happy way.

As each day has become since my exodus…This too shall pass. I will learn and be stronger for the lesson.

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Good vs Evil


Once upon a time, I was pretty heavy into zealous Christianity. My involvement in that has played a significant role in some of the way I view the world around me. More so in the past, that’s for certain, but it still plays a role today.

I remember viewing life’s difficulties as though a battle was ensuing, albeit a spiritual one. This was usually in the shadow of a major victory, in some way. Generally it was after seeing some victories through the breaking of physical and spiritual bonds for loved ones, for people around me as well as myself. Battles were won, Satan (evil) was pushed down, though not completely destroyed and various areas were strengthened. When good things happened, it was as though some entity got completely pissed off over it, and came back with a vengeance.

I am sensing an ensuing battle, looming…

During my silence this week, many things have been happening to me, and around me. I haven’t been able to sort anything out in any sense of the word. These have been the untamed waves that have, seemingly, no balance or reason for them. Waves of turmoil. Vague, I know.  I view these things as growing pangs.

I am now on a tight rope at work. I’ve been making mistakes at work that are completely un-like me to make. I am now having to fight tooth and nail, in order to keep my job.

Great gains have been made, over the past several months. I’ve grown exponentially, in confidence. I’ve won some major victories in my own life, yet I have hit a plateau. I knew things weren’t  ‘over’. The grand finale has been finally moving from my slime-pit, and into the perfect home. In almost every area, things finally have the perfect setting.

Now I’m afraid for my job. If I make ONE mistake..even if that mistake is one that is normally overlooked, it could mean I become jobless. Afraid? Yes, I am.

Some things HAVE been changing… I have been able to step outside of this blog and begin to help another woman with her healing process. I never imagined I could be used like that, outside of this blog. I only hope that I’m directed in the right way to help her, and not cause further harm. She has been feeling very alone with what she’s gone through with her X-boyfriend. From what she’s told me, he sounds like another “…path”. She’s left with some lingering turmoil, that she hasn’t been given the opportunity to heal past.

Since I started this blog, my driving force beyond my own healing process, is to help other women. To hopefully open some eyes to just how detrimental an experience with a psychopath truly is. That there really is a tangible, yet a socially ignored, horribly damaging type of abuse. I believe it produces more long-term damage to the victim than even physical abuse. This one tears apart the very being of victims. It rapes away their soul.

I was re-introduced to this woman, with the understanding that we can help each other. It’s as though I am being drawn in a different direction. I’m not a psychologist. I am a fellow survivor and conqueror. I invited her to my blog.

Here’s that ‘unknown’ thing, again.

A lingering thought I’ve had over the past month has been about how I’m held back, working for the same company as my X. I STILL have to  be so careful about what is said, and to whom. I am constantly afraid of waking the monster into a new level of retaliation. I’m also very aware that any openness about a fellow employee could be grounds for termination.

If I do lose my job, that would mean that I wouldn’t have to fear any retaliation from my X, or worry that any wrong word from me about him, would cause me to lose mine. Right now, if I lose my job it would be due to my own mistakes. Not because of him in any way.

I’m stifled, yet moving ahead anyway.

Change. It’s amazing how change happens, yet there are no rules or ‘how to’ books out there about which new steps are the right ones. It feels like the world drops out from under your feet for a while, until you find your ground again.

I’m getting my bearings, just in case.

Regardless of what happens from here, I will NOT go quietly into the night. I will NOT be defeated.

Whatever entity is bringing these things out into the realm of ‘possibilities’, be it evil or divine, I’ll come through fighting, as I have learned to do through the past few months.

If its evil, I say…, “BRING it!” If that entity thinks that dealing Hell’s entire fury against me will stop me, I will remind Hell itself, “I’ve looked into your face and walked away stronger than ever”.

If its change, brought out by my own stupidity…I say, “I’m strong and will continue to move my feet”

If its Divine providence, I will accept the unknown and surrender to new directions, only praying that God shine a light to allow me to see the path ahead. Either way, I know that good things are ahead.

An action packed week!


Saturday, the 30th of June… I wasn’t able to get that day off of work. I tried very hard yet no one was available to work for me. Saturdays are a 10 hour shift for me, which translates to EXHAUSTION when I finally get home. My friend and daughter’s boyfriend were able to load the truck, which they also picked up for me at u-haul, and had it ready to go when I got home. I sat down for a few minutes, knowing full well that if I sat too long, I wouldn’t get back up. 5 minutes was my limit. We took everything to my new house and was able to spend the first night there. Sunday…more loading of odds and ends…and a turtle 🙂

The next several days were spent cleaning the duplex, running around returning keys, shutting off needed utilities, etc. It has been a busy week. Somewhere along the line, I was able to unpack several items. It’s not completely done, by any means, but I’ve made a good dent. The internet service needed to be reactivated. I didn’t have my account number in order to do the on-screen activation. Had to wait till this past Monday to call them. Once I had the required information, activating it was a snap!

At work, last Tuesday, I received our monthly newsletter. It’s usually the boring mumbo-jumbo about benefits, retirements, birthdays, yadda yadda….but one tid-bit of interesting information on the front page. My Monster has gotten married to that poor girl.

Tell me if this sounds familiar:

In November, I learned that my X was seeing someone new. He moved in with her (assuming it’s the same girl) in March. 3 months later, they were married. What a whirlwind! A psychopath canNOT take their time! Instant gifts, promises, Johnny-on-the-spot-ism, and the incessant PUSHING TO MOVE WAY TOO FAST!! I remember the early days with he and I, too…

Ours wasn’t the “magical” experience, from the beginning. He started showing his true self, even if only in bits and pieces, early on. He knew that if he showed EVERY thing, I would run. He only “dosed” me, slowly. I look back and am completely ashamed that I allowed someone to control me. That I allowed any of it. I saw the red-flags early on. I saw them, didn’t trust my instincts and gave him ‘another’ chance.

Immediately, he started pushing me to move in with him. His chosen M.O. at the time? To help me pay off bills. He told me from the beginning, “I don’t HAVE to be in a relationship. I CHOOSE to be, because I don’t want to live my life alone.” No, He NEEDS to be in a relationship. Without such, he doesn’t get his ‘fix’ of controlling, brain-washing, and terrorizing benefits. He likes to see the woman curl up into a shell of her former self…a jelly-fish. It gives him a rush.

One thing I am grateful for: I NEVER MOVED IN WITH HIM

Within a month, he told me he loved me and started talking about marriage. During that same month, the effects of his torment were already beginning to show in me. He tested me for weaknesses, found them and exploited them…skillfully…

As the months passed, I knew he wasn’t good for me…if I didn’t know anything else, that should have been enough to realize the need to escape. I didn’t know how dangerous he really was, then. I didn’t know how detrimental the situation I was in, really was. I told him he wasn’t good for me. He stepped up the brainwashing attempts. I told him he was killing me. Stepped up his manipulations, next. I picked fights. I left, telling him I didn’t want to hear from him again…he’d show up at my house. I’d get up in the morning to find notes stuck to my car, flowers on my door-step, and DOZENS of emails, texts, missed calls, all throughout the same day. Then the “heartfelt” letters (emails)…apologizing for his behavior…expressing his pain through poetry… Lord, even now this makes me sick. I would try to be the diplomat. I thought if I eased the transition, I could get him to leave me alone through reasoning. Then I tried fighting. He would NOT let me leave him!

Application to the woman who is now his wife… He did the exact same thing to her. He found another person like me, in some ways…only this one didn’t have the inner strength to keep from moving in with him. (Or in this case, he with her.). He’s following her and stalking her online and in person. He’s tormenting her with his jealousy and paranoia. She’s the perfect recipient of a disorder called, “Stockholm Syndrome“. He tried to convince me he was my savior, in the end. That he was my only friend. The only person in my life who truly loved me.

He created damage, that’s for sure. I’m still a prisoner to what he caused… for now.

I was smart enough to recognize him…the monster…and RUN!

She isn’t that strong. I worry about her, yet there is nothing I can do for her. I asked my friend (who initially told me about their relationship) to make sure she knew she wasn’t alone. That she has someone she can go to. But I wonder if that will be enough? He separated me from my dearest friends. From my family. My daughter and granddaughter. I was afraid to talk to anyone, for fear that I would have to endure his torment again. His incessant, grueling questions and twisted perceptions. I was always wrong in what I said and did, you see.  That was then. Only it’s “now” for the new Mrs. Monster…Not my battle anymore…

I woke up this morning in my new home…

What did I see when I went outside? A big tree on the corner, of which is my yard! I saw a bird that looked like a dove, searching for just the right twig, to build in her new nest. It’s funny to watch. The one she chose, vs the one she rejected…they looked exactly the same. She’s being picky…very picky. It’ll pay off for her, in order to have the perfect home.

Just like me. 🙂