Saturday, the 30th of June… I wasn’t able to get that day off of work. I tried very hard yet no one was available to work for me. Saturdays are a 10 hour shift for me, which translates to EXHAUSTION when I finally get home. My friend and daughter’s boyfriend were able to load the truck, which they also picked up for me at u-haul, and had it ready to go when I got home. I sat down for a few minutes, knowing full well that if I sat too long, I wouldn’t get back up. 5 minutes was my limit. We took everything to my new house and was able to spend the first night there. Sunday…more loading of odds and ends…and a turtle 🙂
The next several days were spent cleaning the duplex, running around returning keys, shutting off needed utilities, etc. It has been a busy week. Somewhere along the line, I was able to unpack several items. It’s not completely done, by any means, but I’ve made a good dent. The internet service needed to be reactivated. I didn’t have my account number in order to do the on-screen activation. Had to wait till this past Monday to call them. Once I had the required information, activating it was a snap!
At work, last Tuesday, I received our monthly newsletter. It’s usually the boring mumbo-jumbo about benefits, retirements, birthdays, yadda yadda….but one tid-bit of interesting information on the front page. My Monster has gotten married to that poor girl.
Tell me if this sounds familiar:
In November, I learned that my X was seeing someone new. He moved in with her (assuming it’s the same girl) in March. 3 months later, they were married. What a whirlwind! A psychopath canNOT take their time! Instant gifts, promises, Johnny-on-the-spot-ism, and the incessant PUSHING TO MOVE WAY TOO FAST!! I remember the early days with he and I, too…
Ours wasn’t the “magical” experience, from the beginning. He started showing his true self, even if only in bits and pieces, early on. He knew that if he showed EVERY thing, I would run. He only “dosed” me, slowly. I look back and am completely ashamed that I allowed someone to control me. That I allowed any of it. I saw the red-flags early on. I saw them, didn’t trust my instincts and gave him ‘another’ chance.
Immediately, he started pushing me to move in with him. His chosen M.O. at the time? To help me pay off bills. He told me from the beginning, “I don’t HAVE to be in a relationship. I CHOOSE to be, because I don’t want to live my life alone.” No, He NEEDS to be in a relationship. Without such, he doesn’t get his ‘fix’ of controlling, brain-washing, and terrorizing benefits. He likes to see the woman curl up into a shell of her former self…a jelly-fish. It gives him a rush.
One thing I am grateful for: I NEVER MOVED IN WITH HIM
Within a month, he told me he loved me and started talking about marriage. During that same month, the effects of his torment were already beginning to show in me. He tested me for weaknesses, found them and exploited them…skillfully…
As the months passed, I knew he wasn’t good for me…if I didn’t know anything else, that should have been enough to realize the need to escape. I didn’t know how dangerous he really was, then. I didn’t know how detrimental the situation I was in, really was. I told him he wasn’t good for me. He stepped up the brainwashing attempts. I told him he was killing me. Stepped up his manipulations, next. I picked fights. I left, telling him I didn’t want to hear from him again…he’d show up at my house. I’d get up in the morning to find notes stuck to my car, flowers on my door-step, and DOZENS of emails, texts, missed calls, all throughout the same day. Then the “heartfelt” letters (emails)…apologizing for his behavior…expressing his pain through poetry… Lord, even now this makes me sick. I would try to be the diplomat. I thought if I eased the transition, I could get him to leave me alone through reasoning. Then I tried fighting. He would NOT let me leave him!
Application to the woman who is now his wife… He did the exact same thing to her. He found another person like me, in some ways…only this one didn’t have the inner strength to keep from moving in with him. (Or in this case, he with her.). He’s following her and stalking her online and in person. He’s tormenting her with his jealousy and paranoia. She’s the perfect recipient of a disorder called, “Stockholm Syndrome“. He tried to convince me he was my savior, in the end. That he was my only friend. The only person in my life who truly loved me.
He created damage, that’s for sure. I’m still a prisoner to what he caused… for now.
I was smart enough to recognize him…the monster…and RUN!
She isn’t that strong. I worry about her, yet there is nothing I can do for her. I asked my friend (who initially told me about their relationship) to make sure she knew she wasn’t alone. That she has someone she can go to. But I wonder if that will be enough? He separated me from my dearest friends. From my family. My daughter and granddaughter. I was afraid to talk to anyone, for fear that I would have to endure his torment again. His incessant, grueling questions and twisted perceptions. I was always wrong in what I said and did, you see. That was then. Only it’s “now” for the new Mrs. Monster…Not my battle anymore…
I woke up this morning in my new home…
What did I see when I went outside? A big tree on the corner, of which is my yard! I saw a bird that looked like a dove, searching for just the right twig, to build in her new nest. It’s funny to watch. The one she chose, vs the one she rejected…they looked exactly the same. She’s being picky…very picky. It’ll pay off for her, in order to have the perfect home.
Just like me. 🙂