Once upon a time, I was pretty heavy into zealous Christianity. My involvement in that has played a significant role in some of the way I view the world around me. More so in the past, that’s for certain, but it still plays a role today.
I remember viewing life’s difficulties as though a battle was ensuing, albeit a spiritual one. This was usually in the shadow of a major victory, in some way. Generally it was after seeing some victories through the breaking of physical and spiritual bonds for loved ones, for people around me as well as myself. Battles were won, Satan (evil) was pushed down, though not completely destroyed and various areas were strengthened. When good things happened, it was as though some entity got completely pissed off over it, and came back with a vengeance.
I am sensing an ensuing battle, looming…
During my silence this week, many things have been happening to me, and around me. I haven’t been able to sort anything out in any sense of the word. These have been the untamed waves that have, seemingly, no balance or reason for them. Waves of turmoil. Vague, I know. I view these things as growing pangs.
I am now on a tight rope at work. I’ve been making mistakes at work that are completely un-like me to make. I am now having to fight tooth and nail, in order to keep my job.
Great gains have been made, over the past several months. I’ve grown exponentially, in confidence. I’ve won some major victories in my own life, yet I have hit a plateau. I knew things weren’t ‘over’. The grand finale has been finally moving from my slime-pit, and into the perfect home. In almost every area, things finally have the perfect setting.
Now I’m afraid for my job. If I make ONE mistake..even if that mistake is one that is normally overlooked, it could mean I become jobless. Afraid? Yes, I am.
Some things HAVE been changing… I have been able to step outside of this blog and begin to help another woman with her healing process. I never imagined I could be used like that, outside of this blog. I only hope that I’m directed in the right way to help her, and not cause further harm. She has been feeling very alone with what she’s gone through with her X-boyfriend. From what she’s told me, he sounds like another “…path”. She’s left with some lingering turmoil, that she hasn’t been given the opportunity to heal past.
Since I started this blog, my driving force beyond my own healing process, is to help other women. To hopefully open some eyes to just how detrimental an experience with a psychopath truly is. That there really is a tangible, yet a socially ignored, horribly damaging type of abuse. I believe it produces more long-term damage to the victim than even physical abuse. This one tears apart the very being of victims. It rapes away their soul.
I was re-introduced to this woman, with the understanding that we can help each other. It’s as though I am being drawn in a different direction. I’m not a psychologist. I am a fellow survivor and conqueror. I invited her to my blog.
Here’s that ‘unknown’ thing, again.
A lingering thought I’ve had over the past month has been about how I’m held back, working for the same company as my X. I STILL have to be so careful about what is said, and to whom. I am constantly afraid of waking the monster into a new level of retaliation. I’m also very aware that any openness about a fellow employee could be grounds for termination.
If I do lose my job, that would mean that I wouldn’t have to fear any retaliation from my X, or worry that any wrong word from me about him, would cause me to lose mine. Right now, if I lose my job it would be due to my own mistakes. Not because of him in any way.
I’m stifled, yet moving ahead anyway.
Change. It’s amazing how change happens, yet there are no rules or ‘how to’ books out there about which new steps are the right ones. It feels like the world drops out from under your feet for a while, until you find your ground again.
I’m getting my bearings, just in case.
Regardless of what happens from here, I will NOT go quietly into the night. I will NOT be defeated.
Whatever entity is bringing these things out into the realm of ‘possibilities’, be it evil or divine, I’ll come through fighting, as I have learned to do through the past few months.
If its evil, I say…, “BRING it!” If that entity thinks that dealing Hell’s entire fury against me will stop me, I will remind Hell itself, “I’ve looked into your face and walked away stronger than ever”.
If its change, brought out by my own stupidity…I say, “I’m strong and will continue to move my feet”
If its Divine providence, I will accept the unknown and surrender to new directions, only praying that God shine a light to allow me to see the path ahead. Either way, I know that good things are ahead.