All of us, here, know what it’s like to be a victim. When we were fresh out of the psychological, mental and emotional minefield, the experiences and pain were etched into our memories forever. I wish we all could just move on and completely erase all of the effects, instead of the incessant, grueling, mind-numbing replays that we’re plagued with…sometimes for years after. Many of us will be affected by our hell for a lifetime.
The horrible thing (one of many) is; we are stuck in a sense…we’re stuck with what is left of us. We’re stuck with the memories of “his” or “her” version of gas-lighting. We’re stuck with the pain of realizing that the entire time you were “with” your monster, everything you believed…everything he/she told you about themselves was a lie. Everything that individual (notice I don’t refer to the monster as a person) tried to manipulate you to believe, say, do or question, was a lie. Your relationship was a lie. The love you thought you shared…yep, that was all a lie, too. These are the toughest parts (ok, again..one of many) to accept, let alone understand. Humans just don’t DO THAT to other humans! Especially someone they claim to love. That’s just it…the monster isn’t human. Sure, we share the same chromosomes that they do. We share the fact that we walk upright, have 2 eyes, and speak an audible, viable language. That’s where the similarities stop. I don’t need to remind you where the differences are. Here are just a few:
1) Lack of conscience.
2) Lack of empathy.
3) Callousness or complete lack of emotion…except what they can pull out of their hat for effect.
4) The illusion of being Charming.
5) quick movers in a relationship…using flowers and many gifts to manipulate you into trusting them.
6) We can’t forget the LIES.
There are so many…
Rest assured, though you had to learn some of their traits for survival’s sake, you are not becoming the monster. I, too, had to learn to decipher the way my monster thought, in order to try to cut him off at the “pass”, so-to-speak. I know how he thought/thinks, though he never ceased to amaze me or blind-side me. I learned his level of paranoia, because it was one of the avenues he chose for his manipulations. He didn’t miss a thing, though he mis-read everything! I was the crazy one (according to my monster), though he was creating such internal turmoil for me, that I re-lived (in a sense) early childhood abuse. I just about had a nervous breakdown. I still catch myself finding lies, going on witch-hunts and thinking like him. I’m stuck in survival mode.
I’m going to take a minute to remind all of us… ALWAYS trust your instincts!!! ALWAYS believe your gut!!! We are either our own best defense, or our own worst enemy. There-in lies the secret to breaking the ties of being a “victim”. You already know what a trap it is…especially INSIDE ourselves.
We are living in the shadow of the monster’s abuse. We are victims…but only as long as we allow the abuse to continue. Understand, a predator‘s abuse continues long after the relationship. It continues in the damage done to us. It continues in every one of the effects that individual caused. Most of all, it ESPECIALLY continues when we continuously allow ourselves to ruminate over everything we endured with them. Remember, all that does is (guess what?):
FEEDS THE MONSTER, FURTHER!
Be certain that the psychopath still has their eye on you, in one way or another. Seeing or hearing about you fighting for your very sanity on a daily basis, makes them feel omnipotent (All powerful). One thing you have probably come to realize is, that was the main reason for the monster’s abuse of you! They choose someone who is naturally sweet and kind. Full of compassion and empathy…especially if their chosen prey was already abused at some point in their lives, so they could feel like they compared to GOD, himself! Sucks, doesn’t it??
Did he/she actually try to use brainwashing techniques on you? Did he/she shatter your self-esteem? Make you feel like you have to shield yourself from everyone? Stay silent around co-workers, friends and/or family? Are there other things he caused inside you? Name them to yourself. Write them down. Allow yourself to BE angry! YOU my dear, are entitled to wish the monster was dead. You, however, are not entitled to cause their demise. Karma will take care of that, for you.
Every day that we allow ourselves to continue to be tormented by his/her abuse, we are allowing ourselves to remain trapped in their web…while every day we also carry with us the tools we need to be FREE! Here’s that conundrum: HE/SHE GAVE US THE TOOLS!!!! Here are some of their secrets (at least the ones I’ve come to recognize in my own monster/psychopath):
- In the very beginning he/she sized you up for worthiness of being prey. Did you have a soft heart? Did you fail to stand up for yourself when other’s wronged you? They watched, painstakingly, for areas that they perceived as “weak”. Everything that makes you beautiful inside, the predator sees as a weakness…and something they can use against you, for their OWN benefit.
- When a predator (a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist) exploits someone’s weaknesses, it’s to accentuate your’s so THEIR’S won’t be noticed!! They are actually extremely insecure! Yet, they fight to gain the appearance of having (many in their own delusions) god-like “powers”. Omnipotence (all-powerful) and omnipresence (all-knowing).
- WEAR YOUR HUMANITY like a badge of honor…because it IS! Wave your compassion and empathy for others, for him to see. Don’t gossip. Be the best person you can be, and don’t allow him any more fuel! It’ll actually weaken the monster! This will also reaffirm the YOU that you have always been. The person a predator tried to destroy.
- Did you share something you are proud of, with them? A special accomplishment? A talent? Only to have that individual demean you and discount what actually happened? (Mine loved to accuse me of using my talents and accomplishments to gain favor with men). Did he/she turn those proud moments into something hideous or shameful? Did that person cause you to feel demeaned and ashamed where you used to feel pride in yourself? This is another step in their delusions of grandeur. Minimizing YOU to make themselves look better…
- This is another tactic of brainwashing…they tear you down, break your heart and spirit, make you feel filthy or worthless, only to turn around at the next breath and do something nice for you, while they are affirming their lies by telling you that you need to see a doctor for your “mental” issues. They will also throw in “I’ll always be here for you, to help you through this..” Trying to give the illusion of being a ‘savior’.
- The best thing you can do is SUCCEED! Set goals and achieve them. Let the monster and those around you see the pride you have in yourself, without being arrogant or boastful. You worked hard for your accomplishments. The predator is jealous of you. They don’t believe that anyone else deserves to feel pride in themselves, but THE MONSTER! Seeing you standing tall, will make the monster feel like a failure! This will also help you rekindle the pride you thought you lost. It’s ok to be proud of yourself and have faith in your abilities.
That’s pretty much it…The monsters are little spiders with little-big-bug syndrome! They try to appear larger than life, so their minuteness is more hidden. They use us as the bait they can use to convince the rest of the world that the monster, in deed, is perfect…which we all know, only exists in their OWN delusional minds.
We can choose to stay victims, or CHOOSE to be survivors. I say it’s a choice, because that is the beginning of the end of our hell. We choose to prove the monster wrong, while at the same time reaffirming who and what we know ourselves to be. We aren’t strangers to ourselves…only disjointed. Afterall, the monster came at us with some pretty powerful blows. Don’t feel ashamed, or ever allow shame to come into your life from this point, on.
We deserve for our hell to be over, and WE CHOOSE to survive as whole women and men. Holistic humans…healthy in body, mind and spirit.
I won’t promise that this is a quick and easy road to freedom. For us, it’ll be a daily struggle, with wonders and beauty every step of the way FROM NOW ON!
You are strong
You are beautiful (yes, even the guys)
You are human, full of compassion and empathy for others. YOU make the difference every day, with just a smile for a passing stranger.
YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!
you will never be a victim, again!
Be proud! Shine! Grow!
PS: If this entry has caused someone to experience some triggers, especially those with PTSD…the triggers don’t have to be a defeat! Use them to become a counter-trigger, to enable yourselves to become stronger day by day. To find strength and the fight to become a more perfect YOU!