A little encouragement..


Sometimes it’s hard to stop the swell of painful, negative memories. Don’t get me wrong…as early survivors, we NEED to dwell, think, and fight to understand what we just went through in order to process it and move on. It’s part of the healing process. There is no correct time limit for this part to be over, and every human processes things differently and in their own time. If it seems to be taking longer than your neighbor, don’t sweat it. When we are tired of rehashing everything, we will start trying to fill our thoughts and life with more wonderful, beautiful things.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I found this online today, and it really touched something inside. Everyday we will continue to struggle out of the negative thoughts that fight for the fore-front. There again remains our choice to succumb or to be free today. This is a daily choice. Once the choice is made, then it’s up to us to fill the negative swell with something positive. We need to end each day with a pleasant thought.

I love this: Live in the present and make it so beautiful, it will be worth remembering.

I’m issuing a challenge, and I’d like to hear what you discover in 1 week, 2 weeks and so on…

We all need to find a way to make EVERY day beautiful in some way.

How will you make today and each day beautiful? It can be in something you do. Spend the day with a friend you haven’t seen for quite some time. Smile at a stranger. Walk in the park. Do what makes you feel beautiful and blessed.

I’m truly excited about this one! I am expecting some changes in my own life as a result. Let me know what you find out 😀

 

 

Choose to be a survivor!! (don’t be afraid of some triggers if they pop up while reading this article)


All of us, here, know what it’s like to be a victim. When we were fresh out of the psychological, mental and emotional minefield, the experiences and pain were etched into our memories forever. I wish we all could just move on and completely erase all of the effects, instead of the incessant, grueling, mind-numbing replays that we’re plagued with…sometimes for years after. Many of us will be affected by our hell for a lifetime.

The horrible thing (one of many) is; we are stuck in a sense…we’re stuck with what is left of us. We’re stuck with the memories of “his” or “her” version of gas-lighting. We’re stuck with the pain of realizing that the entire time you were “with” your monster, everything you believed…everything he/she told you about themselves was a lie. Everything that individual (notice I don’t refer to the monster as a person) tried to manipulate you to believe, say, do or question, was a lie. Your relationship was a lie. The love you thought you shared…yep, that was all a lie, too. These are the toughest parts (ok, again..one of many) to accept, let alone understand. Humans just don’t DO THAT to other humans! Especially someone they claim to love. That’s just it…the monster isn’t human. Sure, we share the same chromosomes that they do. We share the fact that we walk upright, have 2 eyes, and speak an audible, viable language. That’s where the similarities stop. I don’t need to remind you where the differences are. Here are just a few:

1) Lack of conscience.

2) Lack of empathy.

3) Callousness or complete lack of emotion…except what they can pull out of their hat for effect.

4) The illusion of being Charming.

5) quick movers in a relationship…using flowers and many gifts to manipulate you into trusting them.

6) We can’t forget the LIES.

There are so many…

Rest assured, though you had to learn some of their traits for survival’s sake, you are not becoming the monster. I, too, had to learn to decipher the way my monster thought, in order to try to cut him off at the “pass”, so-to-speak. I know how he thought/thinks, though he never ceased to amaze me or blind-side me. I learned his level of paranoia, because it was one of the avenues he chose for his manipulations. He didn’t miss a thing, though he mis-read everything! I was the crazy one (according to my monster), though he was creating such internal turmoil for me, that I re-lived (in a sense) early childhood abuse. I just about had a nervous breakdown. I still catch myself finding lies, going on witch-hunts and thinking like him. I’m stuck in survival mode.

I’m going to take a minute to remind all of us… ALWAYS trust your instincts!!! ALWAYS believe your gut!!! We are either our own best defense, or our own worst enemy. There-in lies the secret to breaking the ties of being a “victim”. You already know what a trap it is…especially INSIDE ourselves.

We are living in the shadow of the monster’s abuse. We are victims…but only as long as we allow the abuse to continue. Understand, a predator‘s abuse continues long after the relationship. It continues in the damage done to us. It continues in every one of the effects that individual caused. Most of all, it ESPECIALLY continues when we continuously allow ourselves to ruminate over everything we endured with them. Remember, all that does is (guess what?):

FEEDS THE MONSTER, FURTHER!

Be certain that the psychopath still has their eye on you, in one way or another. Seeing or hearing about you fighting for your very sanity on a daily basis, makes them feel omnipotent (All powerful). One thing you have probably come to realize is, that was the main reason for the monster’s abuse of you! They choose someone who is naturally sweet and kind. Full of compassion and empathy…especially if their chosen prey was already abused at some point in their lives, so they could feel like they compared to GOD, himself! Sucks, doesn’t it??

Did he/she actually try to use brainwashing techniques on you? Did he/she shatter your self-esteem? Make you feel like you have to shield yourself from everyone? Stay silent around co-workers, friends and/or family? Are there other things he caused inside you? Name them to yourself. Write them down. Allow yourself to BE angry! YOU my dear, are entitled to wish the monster was dead. You, however, are not entitled to cause their demise. Karma will take care of that, for you.

Every day that we allow ourselves to continue to be tormented by his/her abuse, we are allowing ourselves to remain trapped in their web…while every day we also carry with us the tools we need to be FREE! Here’s that conundrum: HE/SHE GAVE US THE TOOLS!!!! Here are some of their secrets (at least the ones I’ve come to recognize in my own monster/psychopath):

  1. In the very beginning he/she sized you up for worthiness of being prey. Did you have a soft heart? Did you fail to stand up for yourself when other’s wronged you? They watched, painstakingly, for areas that they perceived as “weak”. Everything that makes you beautiful inside, the predator sees as a weakness…and something they can use against you, for their OWN benefit.
    1. When a predator (a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist) exploits someone’s weaknesses, it’s to accentuate your’s so THEIR’S won’t be noticed!! They are actually extremely insecure! Yet, they fight to gain the appearance of having (many in their own delusions) god-like “powers”. Omnipotence (all-powerful) and omnipresence (all-knowing).
    2. WEAR YOUR HUMANITY like a badge of honor…because it IS! Wave your compassion and empathy for others, for him to see. Don’t gossip. Be the best person you can be, and don’t allow him any more fuel! It’ll actually weaken the monster! This will also reaffirm the YOU that you have always been. The person a predator tried to destroy.  
  2. Did you share something you are proud of, with them? A special accomplishment? A talent? Only to have that individual demean you and discount what actually happened? (Mine loved to accuse me of using my talents and accomplishments to gain favor with men). Did he/she turn those proud moments into something hideous or shameful? Did that person cause you to feel demeaned and ashamed where you used to feel pride in yourself? This is another step in their delusions of grandeur. Minimizing YOU to make themselves look better…
    1. This is another tactic of brainwashing…they tear you down, break your heart and spirit, make you feel filthy or worthless, only to turn around at the next breath and do something nice for you, while they are affirming their lies by telling you that you need to see a doctor for your “mental” issues. They will also throw in “I’ll always be here for you, to help you through this..” Trying to give the illusion of being a ‘savior’.
    2. The best thing you can do is SUCCEED! Set goals and achieve them. Let the monster and those around you see the pride you have in yourself, without being arrogant or boastful. You worked hard for your accomplishments. The predator is jealous of you. They don’t believe that anyone else deserves to feel pride in themselves, but THE MONSTER! Seeing you standing tall, will make the monster feel like a failure! This will also help you rekindle the pride you thought you lost. It’s ok to be proud of yourself and have faith in your abilities. 

That’s pretty much it…The monsters are little spiders with little-big-bug syndrome! They try to appear larger than life, so their minuteness is more hidden. They use us as the bait they can use to convince the rest of the world that the monster, in deed, is perfect…which we all know, only exists in their OWN delusional minds.

We can choose to stay victims, or CHOOSE to be survivors. I say it’s a choice, because that is the beginning of the end of our hell. We choose to prove the monster wrong, while at the same time reaffirming who and what we know ourselves to be. We aren’t strangers to ourselves…only disjointed. Afterall, the monster came at us with some pretty powerful blows. Don’t feel ashamed, or ever allow shame to come into your life from this point, on.

We deserve for our hell to be over, and WE CHOOSE to survive as whole women and men. Holistic humans…healthy in body, mind and spirit.

I won’t promise that this is a quick and easy road to freedom. For us, it’ll be a daily struggle, with wonders and beauty every step of the way FROM NOW ON!

You are strong

You are beautiful (yes, even the guys)

You are human, full of compassion and empathy for others. YOU make the difference every day, with just a smile for a passing stranger.

YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!
you will never be a victim, again!

Be proud! Shine! Grow! 

PS: If this entry has caused someone to experience some triggers, especially those with PTSD…the triggers don’t have to be a defeat! Use them to become a counter-trigger, to enable yourselves to become stronger day by day. To find strength and the fight to become a more perfect YOU!

Peace

Peace 😀

I see evil people…


You have to love the movie, “The 6th Sense”. It’s been the father of many “I see…” statements and jokes across the web. Most of those are funny. For me, it’s real life.

No I don’t see “dead” people. Not really. But if you mean “dead” as in: dead in spirit, dead in emotion, dead in life, then I’ll have to agree…since without concrete emotion one’s life truly is dead, though that person might still be breathing. Those people truly are the losers in this life.

It’s not that I can magically pick psychological abusers out of a crowd just by honing into their “vibes”, but I’m hyper-aware of the potential threat that is around me. I don’t know whether to thank (no I don’t appreciate this at all) my X-monster for this one because that is the embodiment of his paranoia that I picked up through conditioning, or blame him for causing this inside of me, due to his abuse. Either way, I told him point-blank that I would fight tooth and nail to keep from becoming him. I meant it. I looked him straight in the eye and with unmistakable contempt oozing from my soul. Yet, in this regard I have become like him. Paranoid of everyone around me. I see nothing but potential abusers and would-be Psychopaths.

I love my new house. I appreciate the fact that I now have wonderful neighbors. The neighborhood is quiet and with a short walk, I can find a path in the woods. Perfect!

Before I moved from that slime-pit, I spent every moment at home (especially when I was alone) with every lock on every door and window, locked. I would come home from work and instinctively lock the door behind me. It wasn’t because of the drug-addicts around me, or the drama…it was solely to keep my X, out. To keep him from getting to me. I was that afraid.

I’ve moved, and have recently realized that I still have the same habit…locking every door. When I come home from work, I lock the back door behind me, before I ever walk away from it. I only walk in through the back door. The front door is just too exposed. When watering the lawn, I instinctively check the perimeter. I check across and down the street to make sure I won’t be seen. I’m stuck hiding from him, but not just him. I see him in every man I meet. Every man I see. Every man walking his dog, or riding his bike.

New phases bring new battles. Hoping for a swift victory over this one.

Living in the shadow of a lie


As I begin this post, I am made aware (very much so) that my writing skills have dwindled since I was in my 20’s. Even on into my 30’s. We are not scholars, here…at least it’s not our purpose to prove in writing.

I have been doing some limited dwelling on days past. I remember the day that I realized how dangerous my X truly is, and I went to every person I could think of, in order to beg for their help. I remember calling a co-worker who worked at a separate store. Our conversation started much like everyone else…begging and pleading for them to protect me. For them to know and understand everything that had gone on. Everything.

The conversation with this co-worker leaned to him asking ME questions. Now, as I look back, he was guiding the conversation to get his own answers. I never understood his questioning…until now. He asked me about a rumor he had heard about me, that I had “slept” with our District Manager, who was married.

There is another woman who works for the company, who I share the same first name with. The rumor “I” heard was that she had an affair with the DM. I don’t care. It’s her life, and I’m not one who needs to judge her, or anyone else for that matter, as to the goings on of her life. Since hearing this rumor about “me”, things about my relationship with my monster began to form some sort of understandable shape. The first piece of ammunition he would use wasn’t from me at all, nor was it based in reality. It was his driving force, for whatever reason.

He formed his theory and sought to find (or make up) enough “evidence” to make that theory into a pseudo-proven ‘theorem’. A theory which was later, proved by fact, evidence, and research…according to him. He believed I was a low-life, cheating woman. He did his best to make me believe I was filthy, and “deserved” to have his onslaught on a daily basis. Yet, he was the only one who ever tried to help me through my mental instability, or illness (another one of his brainwashing attempts).

I never understood why he fought so hard to ‘keep’ me, while showing unwaveringly how much he hated me…held me in complete disdain… He would do sweet things on occasion, ie; Making me dinner. One day he even spread flower petals in a path, to form a walk-way when I got off work. Sweet gestures, intended to “prove” his love for me. But his attacks were unwavering. He never faltered in his attempts to let me know how ‘awful’ I really was. How much of a ‘slut’ I was. How every man around me only joked with me because they wanted “in my pants” (his statement, word for word). He never stopped his attacks which were meant to make me believe his lies about me, or question what I KNEW to be the truth. I knew…yet he still affected me.

He never got to know the real me. He was too busy trying to ‘prove’ he was right. He was too busy trying to get me to believe his lies and twisted perceptions. Question…if he thought I was so awful before he ever asked me out, then WHY did he pursue me? Why did he chase me every time I tried to get away from him? If it wasn’t to make me believe, then it was only meant to whittle me down, and into a more controllable mental/emotional state.

The original woman, who was the subject (before i worked for this company) has come forward in expressing her desire to get the truth ‘out there’, about her supposed affair with that manager. She stands adamantly on her innocence. There was a divorce, bot not because of infidelity. she’s lived under the same lie…all because of someone who has nothing better to do than try and destroy another, for their own benefit. Unfortunately, for whatever reason I was carried by others as a ‘guilty’ party, under the exact same lie…all because we share the same name.

Pity, for both of us. Neither have done anything wrong in that regard. I am innocent of everything my X is trying to convince others of. I am innocent of anything my name might seem to point to.

No one has tried to get to know me, other than my immediate work mates. My store manager has tried HARD to help me in the past number of weeks. I still have my job. He (and the rest of the store) believe in me. That’s something to be proud of. A year ago…no one would have lifted an eyebrow.

I still have those days that I battle with the areas that can never be understood.

Still, things are moving along. Mostly in a positive way. Some things, not so much…but I’m still moving my feet and breathing. I won’t quit.