As I begin this post, I am made aware (very much so) that my writing skills have dwindled since I was in my 20’s. Even on into my 30’s. We are not scholars, here…at least it’s not our purpose to prove in writing.
I have been doing some limited dwelling on days past. I remember the day that I realized how dangerous my X truly is, and I went to every person I could think of, in order to beg for their help. I remember calling a co-worker who worked at a separate store. Our conversation started much like everyone else…begging and pleading for them to protect me. For them to know and understand everything that had gone on. Everything.
The conversation with this co-worker leaned to him asking ME questions. Now, as I look back, he was guiding the conversation to get his own answers. I never understood his questioning…until now. He asked me about a rumor he had heard about me, that I had “slept” with our District Manager, who was married.
There is another woman who works for the company, who I share the same first name with. The rumor “I” heard was that she had an affair with the DM. I don’t care. It’s her life, and I’m not one who needs to judge her, or anyone else for that matter, as to the goings on of her life. Since hearing this rumor about “me”, things about my relationship with my monster began to form some sort of understandable shape. The first piece of ammunition he would use wasn’t from me at all, nor was it based in reality. It was his driving force, for whatever reason.
He formed his theory and sought to find (or make up) enough “evidence” to make that theory into a pseudo-proven ‘theorem’. A theory which was later, proved by fact, evidence, and research…according to him. He believed I was a low-life, cheating woman. He did his best to make me believe I was filthy, and “deserved” to have his onslaught on a daily basis. Yet, he was the only one who ever tried to help me through my mental instability, or illness (another one of his brainwashing attempts).
I never understood why he fought so hard to ‘keep’ me, while showing unwaveringly how much he hated me…held me in complete disdain… He would do sweet things on occasion, ie; Making me dinner. One day he even spread flower petals in a path, to form a walk-way when I got off work. Sweet gestures, intended to “prove” his love for me. But his attacks were unwavering. He never faltered in his attempts to let me know how ‘awful’ I really was. How much of a ‘slut’ I was. How every man around me only joked with me because they wanted “in my pants” (his statement, word for word). He never stopped his attacks which were meant to make me believe his lies about me, or question what I KNEW to be the truth. I knew…yet he still affected me.
He never got to know the real me. He was too busy trying to ‘prove’ he was right. He was too busy trying to get me to believe his lies and twisted perceptions. Question…if he thought I was so awful before he ever asked me out, then WHY did he pursue me? Why did he chase me every time I tried to get away from him? If it wasn’t to make me believe, then it was only meant to whittle me down, and into a more controllable mental/emotional state.
The original woman, who was the subject (before i worked for this company) has come forward in expressing her desire to get the truth ‘out there’, about her supposed affair with that manager. She stands adamantly on her innocence. There was a divorce, bot not because of infidelity. she’s lived under the same lie…all because of someone who has nothing better to do than try and destroy another, for their own benefit. Unfortunately, for whatever reason I was carried by others as a ‘guilty’ party, under the exact same lie…all because we share the same name.
Pity, for both of us. Neither have done anything wrong in that regard. I am innocent of everything my X is trying to convince others of. I am innocent of anything my name might seem to point to.
No one has tried to get to know me, other than my immediate work mates. My store manager has tried HARD to help me in the past number of weeks. I still have my job. He (and the rest of the store) believe in me. That’s something to be proud of. A year ago…no one would have lifted an eyebrow.
I still have those days that I battle with the areas that can never be understood.
Still, things are moving along. Mostly in a positive way. Some things, not so much…but I’m still moving my feet and breathing. I won’t quit.