I see evil people…

You have to love the movie, “The 6th Sense”. It’s been the father of many “I see…” statements and jokes across the web. Most of those are funny. For me, it’s real life.

No I don’t see “dead” people. Not really. But if you mean “dead” as in: dead in spirit, dead in emotion, dead in life, then I’ll have to agree…since without concrete emotion one’s life truly is dead, though that person might still be breathing. Those people truly are the losers in this life.

It’s not that I can magically pick psychological abusers out of a crowd just by honing into their “vibes”, but I’m hyper-aware of the potential threat that is around me. I don’t know whether to thank (no I don’t appreciate this at all) my X-monster for this one because that is the embodiment of his paranoia that I picked up through conditioning, or blame him for causing this inside of me, due to his abuse. Either way, I told him point-blank that I would fight tooth and nail to keep from becoming him. I meant it. I looked him straight in the eye and with unmistakable contempt oozing from my soul. Yet, in this regard I have become like him. Paranoid of everyone around me. I see nothing but potential abusers and would-be Psychopaths.

I love my new house. I appreciate the fact that I now have wonderful neighbors. The neighborhood is quiet and with a short walk, I can find a path in the woods. Perfect!

Before I moved from that slime-pit, I spent every moment at home (especially when I was alone) with every lock on every door and window, locked. I would come home from work and instinctively lock the door behind me. It wasn’t because of the drug-addicts around me, or the drama…it was solely to keep my X, out. To keep him from getting to me. I was that afraid.

I’ve moved, and have recently realized that I still have the same habit…locking every door. When I come home from work, I lock the back door behind me, before I ever walk away from it. I only walk in through the back door. The front door is just too exposed. When watering the lawn, I instinctively check the perimeter. I check across and down the street to make sure I won’t be seen. I’m stuck hiding from him, but not just him. I see him in every man I meet. Every man I see. Every man walking his dog, or riding his bike.

New phases bring new battles. Hoping for a swift victory over this one.

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6 thoughts on “I see evil people…

  1. I always thought I had a label tattooed on my forehead that said, “Abuse me.” It wasn’t until I was with my third counselor that in a way I did. I knew how to interact with them, so they were attracted to me. Now that I’m developing healthy boundaries, it isn’t the problem it once was, but I’m nowhere near where I want to be.

    I am so happy to hear about your new place. It sounds wonderful. Someday.

    1. My home is definitely wonderful! Now, if I could just break free the way i should be :)…the best way to break habits is to do the exact opposite. After a while, a new, healthier habit forms. Looking forward to that. I really do want to meet, and associate, with my new neighbors!

      I’ve all but given up on the lawn :D…It’s a HUGE corner lot that takes a full day to water. I have to work in the meantime. At least I am keeping the grass alive…it’s a bit brown in spots but still alive.

      I have always told people that I have a giant bulls-eye tatoo’d on my back that said, “Alll a-holes apply here…”, and that’s what I got. It was after watching ‘I-Psychopath’ that I realized it’s my actions…the way i carry myself…that leaves an open invitation to abusers. Knowing that I haven’t overcome those idiosyncracies yet, causes me more ‘awareness’ of others around me. I have an open sore, of sorts. Gotta keep the maggots at bay.

      My next day off is going to bring some hiking, I’m a thinkin’! have a good day. I’m off to work

  2. Reading a couple of books on PTSD. Hyper-awareness is one of the symptoms. I accept now that I do certain things to enhance my illusion of safety. I can check the lock once but not twice. I can sit in a restaurant with my back to other people instead of the wall. I accept that this is part of the healing process. Hugs to you I think you are doing great. Glad to hear you enjoy your new place already. I love hiking too but desert is a little too warm right now.

    1. I have never been able to sit with my back to people. I feel clostrophobic that way.
      I lived in arizona for 8 years. The last summer before moving, it got up to 132 degrees! I was 20, which is what I attribute my tolerance for the heat. There’s no way I could do that now! 40 something. I couldn’t live without the trees again.

      some of our habits are formed by what makes us comfortable…if fear is involved, feeling that we have more control of our surroundings brings a type of peace, for a time.

      Learning to change those habits that make us feel the safest is quite the undertaking! Good for you that you have been learning how to do that. I’m learning..ever..so..slowly 🙂 I’m still learning, though 😀

      There are quite a few habits that have formed since my time with the Monster. I used to be too trusting, in general. I believed people were good until they proved me wrong. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Not anymore. i am suspicious, now, and those same people have to go through hoops and ladders to prove they are decent people, before I can even trust them a little.

      Thank your for your encouragement, Ruth!

  3. Is hyper-vigilance bad? It all depends on the degree, I believe. We live in a society where there are bad people. Not everyone has positive thoughts on their minds. To me, it makes sense to lock my doors. Just because I lived with a psychopath doesn’t mean I do this, I did it before. I grew up in a rough neighborhood. Our world has changed. When I sit in a restaurant, my back is to the wall. Our personal world is comprised of our past experiences and that’s not something we can ever completely cleanse ourselves of and I don’t know if I want to. I choose not to live in a cookie-cutter world (I never liked Barbie dolls anyway) and I also choose to see reality. If we accept others as they present themselves to us, then why can’t others accept us as we present ourselves to them?

    1. I agree with you.. vigilance is needed to survive in normal everyday life. The emphasis of the “overboard” variety lies in the word, “hyper”. It also depends on your surroundings. If a person lives in a crime ridden area, then DEFINITELY lock your doors! You also need to be aware of potential threats, too. In a quiet area where crime is at a minimum, a person SHOULD be able to relax and let off their guard a little, especially when at home.

      Our society is full of people like us…There aren’t many who trust without question, anymore. Life hardens us, plain and simple. Our past teaches us about the things that are harmful. We come out of those experiences with painful memories and the thought, “I don’t want to go through THAT again!”..then we take steps (changing habits, etc) to assure our safety (comfort) is protected. Unfortunately, as in my case, I see everyone as a threat. I would like to think that changes when I get to know someone, but truthfully it doesn’t change one bit. I watch like a friggen witch-hunter, ready for the first sign that they are evil, too. Not a nice way to live. It’s conditioned in me, now. I recognize it, but don’t know if it’ll ever change. I will never trust someone the way I used to. A horrible thing for the people who deserve our trust.

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