Choose to be a survivor!! (don’t be afraid of some triggers if they pop up while reading this article)

All of us, here, know what it’s like to be a victim. When we were fresh out of the psychological, mental and emotional minefield, the experiences and pain were etched into our memories forever. I wish we all could just move on and completely erase all of the effects, instead of the incessant, grueling, mind-numbing replays that we’re plagued with…sometimes for years after. Many of us will be affected by our hell for a lifetime.

The horrible thing (one of many) is; we are stuck in a sense…we’re stuck with what is left of us. We’re stuck with the memories of “his” or “her” version of gas-lighting. We’re stuck with the pain of realizing that the entire time you were “with” your monster, everything you believed…everything he/she told you about themselves was a lie. Everything that individual (notice I don’t refer to the monster as a person) tried to manipulate you to believe, say, do or question, was a lie. Your relationship was a lie. The love you thought you shared…yep, that was all a lie, too. These are the toughest parts (ok, again..one of many) to accept, let alone understand. Humans just don’t DO THAT to other humans! Especially someone they claim to love. That’s just it…the monster isn’t human. Sure, we share the same chromosomes that they do. We share the fact that we walk upright, have 2 eyes, and speak an audible, viable language. That’s where the similarities stop. I don’t need to remind you where the differences are. Here are just a few:

1) Lack of conscience.

2) Lack of empathy.

3) Callousness or complete lack of emotion…except what they can pull out of their hat for effect.

4) The illusion of being Charming.

5) quick movers in a relationship…using flowers and many gifts to manipulate you into trusting them.

6) We can’t forget the LIES.

There are so many…

Rest assured, though you had to learn some of their traits for survival’s sake, you are not becoming the monster. I, too, had to learn to decipher the way my monster thought, in order to try to cut him off at the “pass”, so-to-speak. I know how he thought/thinks, though he never ceased to amaze me or blind-side me. I learned his level of paranoia, because it was one of the avenues he chose for his manipulations. He didn’t miss a thing, though he mis-read everything! I was the crazy one (according to my monster), though he was creating such internal turmoil for me, that I re-lived (in a sense) early childhood abuse. I just about had a nervous breakdown. I still catch myself finding lies, going on witch-hunts and thinking like him. I’m stuck in survival mode.

I’m going to take a minute to remind all of us… ALWAYS trust your instincts!!! ALWAYS believe your gut!!! We are either our own best defense, or our own worst enemy. There-in lies the secret to breaking the ties of being a “victim”. You already know what a trap it is…especially INSIDE ourselves.

We are living in the shadow of the monster’s abuse. We are victims…but only as long as we allow the abuse to continue. Understand, a predator‘s abuse continues long after the relationship. It continues in the damage done to us. It continues in every one of the effects that individual caused. Most of all, it ESPECIALLY continues when we continuously allow ourselves to ruminate over everything we endured with them. Remember, all that does is (guess what?):

FEEDS THE MONSTER, FURTHER!

Be certain that the psychopath still has their eye on you, in one way or another. Seeing or hearing about you fighting for your very sanity on a daily basis, makes them feel omnipotent (All powerful). One thing you have probably come to realize is, that was the main reason for the monster’s abuse of you! They choose someone who is naturally sweet and kind. Full of compassion and empathy…especially if their chosen prey was already abused at some point in their lives, so they could feel like they compared to GOD, himself! Sucks, doesn’t it??

Did he/she actually try to use brainwashing techniques on you? Did he/she shatter your self-esteem? Make you feel like you have to shield yourself from everyone? Stay silent around co-workers, friends and/or family? Are there other things he caused inside you? Name them to yourself. Write them down. Allow yourself to BE angry! YOU my dear, are entitled to wish the monster was dead. You, however, are not entitled to cause their demise. Karma will take care of that, for you.

Every day that we allow ourselves to continue to be tormented by his/her abuse, we are allowing ourselves to remain trapped in their web…while every day we also carry with us the tools we need to be FREE! Here’s that conundrum: HE/SHE GAVE US THE TOOLS!!!! Here are some of their secrets (at least the ones I’ve come to recognize in my own monster/psychopath):

  1. In the very beginning he/she sized you up for worthiness of being prey. Did you have a soft heart? Did you fail to stand up for yourself when other’s wronged you? They watched, painstakingly, for areas that they perceived as “weak”. Everything that makes you beautiful inside, the predator sees as a weakness…and something they can use against you, for their OWN benefit.
    1. When a predator (a psychopath, sociopath, narcissist) exploits someone’s weaknesses, it’s to accentuate your’s so THEIR’S won’t be noticed!! They are actually extremely insecure! Yet, they fight to gain the appearance of having (many in their own delusions) god-like “powers”. Omnipotence (all-powerful) and omnipresence (all-knowing).
    2. WEAR YOUR HUMANITY like a badge of honor…because it IS! Wave your compassion and empathy for others, for him to see. Don’t gossip. Be the best person you can be, and don’t allow him any more fuel! It’ll actually weaken the monster! This will also reaffirm the YOU that you have always been. The person a predator tried to destroy.  
  2. Did you share something you are proud of, with them? A special accomplishment? A talent? Only to have that individual demean you and discount what actually happened? (Mine loved to accuse me of using my talents and accomplishments to gain favor with men). Did he/she turn those proud moments into something hideous or shameful? Did that person cause you to feel demeaned and ashamed where you used to feel pride in yourself? This is another step in their delusions of grandeur. Minimizing YOU to make themselves look better…
    1. This is another tactic of brainwashing…they tear you down, break your heart and spirit, make you feel filthy or worthless, only to turn around at the next breath and do something nice for you, while they are affirming their lies by telling you that you need to see a doctor for your “mental” issues. They will also throw in “I’ll always be here for you, to help you through this..” Trying to give the illusion of being a ‘savior’.
    2. The best thing you can do is SUCCEED! Set goals and achieve them. Let the monster and those around you see the pride you have in yourself, without being arrogant or boastful. You worked hard for your accomplishments. The predator is jealous of you. They don’t believe that anyone else deserves to feel pride in themselves, but THE MONSTER! Seeing you standing tall, will make the monster feel like a failure! This will also help you rekindle the pride you thought you lost. It’s ok to be proud of yourself and have faith in your abilities. 

That’s pretty much it…The monsters are little spiders with little-big-bug syndrome! They try to appear larger than life, so their minuteness is more hidden. They use us as the bait they can use to convince the rest of the world that the monster, in deed, is perfect…which we all know, only exists in their OWN delusional minds.

We can choose to stay victims, or CHOOSE to be survivors. I say it’s a choice, because that is the beginning of the end of our hell. We choose to prove the monster wrong, while at the same time reaffirming who and what we know ourselves to be. We aren’t strangers to ourselves…only disjointed. Afterall, the monster came at us with some pretty powerful blows. Don’t feel ashamed, or ever allow shame to come into your life from this point, on.

We deserve for our hell to be over, and WE CHOOSE to survive as whole women and men. Holistic humans…healthy in body, mind and spirit.

I won’t promise that this is a quick and easy road to freedom. For us, it’ll be a daily struggle, with wonders and beauty every step of the way FROM NOW ON!

You are strong

You are beautiful (yes, even the guys)

You are human, full of compassion and empathy for others. YOU make the difference every day, with just a smile for a passing stranger.

YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!!
you will never be a victim, again!

Be proud! Shine! Grow! 

PS: If this entry has caused someone to experience some triggers, especially those with PTSD…the triggers don’t have to be a defeat! Use them to become a counter-trigger, to enable yourselves to become stronger day by day. To find strength and the fight to become a more perfect YOU!

Peace

Peace 😀

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15 thoughts on “Choose to be a survivor!! (don’t be afraid of some triggers if they pop up while reading this article)

  1. I really liked the “wear your humanity like a badge of honor.” This post is reaffirming quite a few things I’m working on right now. Thank you!

    1. Sometimes what I write is to reaffirm some things inside myself, too. What I have come to find is, I’m not alone there. If I’m struggling, there’s someone with the same battles somewhere else. We aren’t alone. We’re in this together :)…

      I’m glad this helped.

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  3. vicariousrising

    I used to think that guilt was my instinctual reaction to things, but more recently realize that one was put on me, not my natural state of being.

    The hard part of listening to my guts is that they’re so buried under someone else’s bullshit. But I’m learning.

    1. PTSD takes on many different forms. I recently learned that my “guilt” (clamming up, etc) was part of PTSD in women. Our influences over the course of our lives…even as young children…really make up a lot of our own “natural” reactions and instincts. All we had to teach us, early on, was conditioning. Unfortunately, we didn’t have pure, decent conditioning. We were supposed to be surrounded by love and security, not learning all about how to best protect ourselves. Extreme guilt, especially when it’s wrongly directed, is a tough one to shake. I’m learning, too 😀

      This one is in my links, below…but I think it’s worth mentioning. I learned some things about myself when I read it.

      http://www.soul-expressions-abuse-recovery.com/PTSD.html

    2. As far as learning to listen to your gut…

      Can you remember a time when you didn’t? There are probably several, like me. We learn to second guess ourselves. We’re used to being “bad”, or “wrong”. We’re used to being made fun of, for our views…hence, the ‘second-guessing’. We plan to be wrong, even in our instincts. However, whenever I chose to go against my natural warning system, I wished to GOD that I hadn’t. In the end, most of the time our ‘gut’, our instincts, the churning of our core was right every time (99.999% of the time).

      I have learned that my gut is more reliable than my own reason.

  4. vicariousrising

    Thank you for this. It kind of made me tear up, but it’s probably on my own behalf for once. I guess your post and responses made me feel understood & less alone.

    1. I’m glad… I think the one thing I wanted to shout to every woman who has ever been targeted is exactly that. It’s the one thing that meant the most to me, too, when I was finally rid of the beast…. You are not alone! I wish I could reach every woman with that one thing, and have it be as vindicating for everyone as it was for me, when I finally realized it. It’s the freest, most freeing realization I know of, once it reaches your heart.

      You have a friend (actually, many here) you can count on at any time.

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  6. karabcn

    Thanks for this fantastic post. Sometimes I would get a bad feeling about a person and I would feel that I was bad for thinking ill of that person. Every single time my gut was right. So I am not going to argue with my gut ever again. I think talking ourselves out of our gut feeling is something that was “put on” us (same as guilt- like VR says) and we really need to share this with every woman we meet and particularly with the young and little. There is no other tool that will protect them more.

    1. It’s a great realization to know just how smart and psychic (in a sense) our gut truly is. I still battle with mine, though I know I’m stupid to do so. Most of all, it’s when I’m in a moment, a second, and I get a quick, very definitive thought that I second-guess everything I thought at that moment. The inner dialogue lasts just a matter of a couple of seconds, usually ending with “I wish I had…”. When your gut is screaming, (for me this is usually when I’m in a toxic relationship, and I’ve ignored the warnings) it’s our body’s way of fighting to get our attention. After all, we ignored the initial red flag warnings. I believe the intense churning is a type of “fight or flight”. The situation has grown into an immediate need, danger is near, but many times we still doubt ourselves.

      The trick is to recognize our fleeting thoughts (what we categorize as important or not, at the time) when we get them. They are usually something meant to protect us. Once we realize it, then we really NEED TO FOLLOW THROUGH! I still struggle with this one. I still poo-poo the insta-thought, and ignore it…only to regret it later. The most recent one that I can think of was when I parked my car behind a large truck. It was at a bar, and I was singing. The thought when I parked behind him/her “I should get their license plate number…move my car…etc”. I thought it was just paranoia, and decided not to. I thought everything would be fine. Once the evening was over, I walked out to my car only to find it smashed, and pushed back about 20 feet. No note, no truck, no responsible party. It was a hit and run. There was definite damage to the person’s truck, judging from the damage done to my car.

      We need to definitely share this with every woman! We all know it’s there…”woman’s intuition”. It’s just teaching the importance of heeding the warnings our gut gives us. Our core.

      Thank you for your comment!

        1. When I first saw my car, I was in shock. The thing looked like it should have been towed home. It probably should have. My hood was folded back, glass everywhere…engine compartment was pushed back about 6 inches… I was able to sort of latch the hood, and drove it home. Of course I took the back roads 🙂 I’m amazed the thing would start, no damage was done to the radiator or my windshield, thank God! A friend of mine was in body work in a past life, so he was able to work on the body a bit to make it look better. by the time we were done getting parts from the local wrecking yard, it looked 100% better. It never looked beautiful to begin with (22 years old, with no clear coat), but it still runs good.

          That was a lesson that I won’t soon forget.

  7. Pingback: Choose to be a survivor!! (don’t be afraid of some triggers if they pop up while reading this article) | My Blog

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