Where are your dreams today?


 

I absolutely love how things inspire me, sometimes. This video is entitled “People are Awesome”…just an fyi.

As you watch each person doing these really cool things, most of which are very dangerous, keep in mind the very first day they decided to TRY. Para-sailing, rock climbing, skate-board stunts, and the list goes on.

I tried to put myself in their shoes on that first day. Rock climbing and SWINGING on the loop-like formations for instance. What might it have been like, standing with the gear and looking at the angles and energy it would take to be able to swing through the hole…WITHOUT hitting a wall?!  What would happen if  just one inch was miscalculated? OUCH!! Thats assuming there would be no death or hospital time.

Did each one of these people feel fear that first time? I would say a resounding YES! Maybe not at this particular time in the video, but the VERY first time they tried something like it. Most of us (i assume) would look at the distance, the height, the speed, the sudden stop at the bottom and walk away. Most would be too afraid to even try because of the potential danger and pain involved.

My natural inclination is to walk away, unscathed…

Here’s the unseen part of the video. Each one of these people began with a heart beat. They grew up with dreams of doing something spectacular. Something they loved to do. They each had a ‘dream’ they wanted to do and saw those dreams come true.

My Mom and I were talking on the phone the other day. There’s another contest coming up, but this one is worth $750 for the grand prize. I was talking to her about the dream I’ve had all of my life. I want to sing. I want to be able to do it for a living. I don’t care if I ever get famous. In fact, I’d rather not be. I told her, “Here I am, 46 years old and I’ve never taken one step toward that one thing I’ve always wanted to do…” “I’ve wasted enough time, and I’m not going to give up. It’s high-time I did this.”

There are a few factors working against me…#1 is my age. Most start out as 20 somethings. Young, no crows feet to contend with. #2 I’ve had severe asthma all of my life. At 12, my Doctor had me do a Pulmonary function test, and x-rays of my lungs. At 12 they were already 25% blocked with scar tissue. I’m also a smoker. Stupid, I know. COPD runs in my family. That’s probably a factor, too, at this point in my life. Yet, my dream to sing has never gone away. #3, I have to be able to work as a singer, without walking away from my job right away.

I’m doing my homework, trying to find a way to make this work. I can’t leave this world without at least trying.

What is your dream? Where does YOUR heart lay? Have you taken any steps to see those dreams come true, or are you frozen in step, like I have always been? Are you in your 20’s? 40’s, 50’s or older?? If you are in your 20’s, you have your WHOLE life ahead of you! Make it what YOU want it to be. Keep in mind that life is very short. It goes faster as you get older. Don’t waste your life just plugging away. Take a chance and see where it leads you. You might be amazed with what you are capable of. Are you middle aged or even Seniors? Have you tried to see your dreams come true? It’s never too late to take that first step. Did you want to learn to paint? Run a marathon? I’m reminded of  Diana Nyad who has tried to swim from Florida to Cuba: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/08/19/diana-nyad-cuba-swim_n_1807181.html She is 62. I know very few 20 year olds or teenagers who would be even ABLE to try! Most wouldn’t be able to make it more than a mile or 2. “Nyad had made 27.7 miles and was taking advantage of “ideal conditions” with calm seas and little wind.” 27.7 MILES! She didn’t make it to her destination, but I’m still very happy for her! She beat me hands down! I can’t even run more than a couple of blocks 🙂

What can you do? What do you dream of trying, “some day”? I was haunted with the thought, “I don’t want to find myself on my death bed one day, knowing I didn’t even try…”.

No I’m not dying…but I know with my health issues, time is of the essence. Things can change in the blink of an eye. I don’t have the time to waste anymore.

 

 

Entitlement


This is going to be a tough one to write. It has been the center of all of the abuse I have allowed in my life. Entitlement…

Please bear with me.. I realize this might be difficult to follow…

As humans, we are entitled to live free, have free will, and to never be any type of slave of anyone or anything. We are ALL entitled to be safe, fed, and to have a roof over our heads. We are entitled to be happy and to see all of our dreams realized, if not come to fruition. Though we are entitled to have such things, it doesn’t mean we get it or keep any of it, free of effort. We have to work to have a home, food, and to be safe from any harm. We have to work to be happy, even though we are entitled…

The generation of 20 somethings have been referred to as the “Entitlement Generation” (http://cantbeme.com/do-we-spoil-our-children/). I have met several younger people (in their 20’s) that have old-world work ethics and ideals. They are the ones who are working to see their dreams come true…to make sure they are a productive part of society, without showing any sign of Narcissism. The others are exhibiting narcissistic traits. They are the ones that claim entitlement, without working for life’s benefits. If you don’t give them what they want, or if you disagree with them any way, be prepared for any number of onslaughts thrown at you, not limited to but including obscenities and even violence. Even their own parents aren’t immune from their torturous youngsters. Entitlement. Respect. Some understand that respect is earned. So is entitlement, in some ways.

Respect is given where it’s earned. It first begins with true trust. I’m singling that one out from “blind” trust. Trust is often given where it is not warranted. True trust is earned. It’s tried by fire, so-to-speak. It’s when you tell a friend a secret, and they keep it. It’s when you need a shoulder and they’re there for you. Trust is earned when you know you can count on a person to be there for you, protect you, and tell you the hard things. That breeds true trust. It also allows for respect. Once you trust someone, you can decide if they have character to count on them. If you don’t have respect for a person, you also cannot trust them…not fully, anyway. Blind trust is when you THINK you know a person. You think they are decent, nice human beings, without proof of their integrity. Those people haven’t proven they are trust-worthy. That’s blind trust.

Blind trust builds the threshold for abuse.

English: Ted Bundy's FBI photo when he was pla...
English: Ted Bundy’s FBI photo when he was placed on the Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list, 1978. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)When I was a little girl, somehow I learned that the man was to have the last word. He was entitled to rule the roost. It was his place in the cosmos. I learned to stay quiet, and the abuse would end much faster. I also believed that ALL men were meant to be our protectors. I suppose I never stopped searching for my protector. I would meet a man who appeared to be sweet, kind, selfless, chivalrous, etc. etc., but soon he turned into a man who thought he was ENTITLED ie: earned the right…ownership. Entitled to touch, regardless of the torment inside of me. Entitled to push, hit, yell, cuss… He became the man that I needed protection FROM. Where was my protector?? Nowhere to be found.

He believed (by ‘he’, I mean most every man I have ever known) by just the simple fact that he treated me to dinner, he was entitled to touch, kiss, push…control and abuse. There are so many men out there that believe just by being a MAN makes them entitled (that they have the right) to mistreat a woman…a young lady…a child.

Wrong!

As base human beings, we have the RIGHT to free speech. But where would we be if someone hadn’t fought for that right? In court, we are entitled to restitution from the one(s) who wronged us, but we had to fight for that right to receive it. This is where entitlement is separated from perceived entitlement. Did the abuser earn the right to abuse you in any way, to make him entitled in the end?? To touch you, just because you are a woman? Did he fight for ownership of you? Not only no, but oh HELL no!

When a woman is taught to be a victim, she is also taught that she has NO role in her own life to be safe, speak her mind, or protect herself. When the subject of her victimization is a male figure, early on, she grows up with a distorted view of her role in her own life. She is taught to believe and trust without question, especially when it pertains to a male figure. After all, she doesn’t have the right to stand up for herself or question behaviors. The man is the most important. Her job is to oblige, without question. Her role at that point is to remain quiet, so as to keep from furthering abuse or anger.

This is what happens when we have blind trust. We place ourselves in danger, willingly, though we fool ourselves into believing (and fighting to believe) that we are finally SAFE. How trustworthy are first impressions? A man who speaks sweetly to us, does nice things, makes us laugh and tells stories about when they stood up for some random woman who was being mistreated, is one we trust automatically. He’s the one who will love us unconditionally, right? He’s the one who won’t let any other man hurt us in any way. After blindly trusting this individual, sometimes a woman is quick to try and prove herself right, by allowing him certain freedoms only meant for the right person. Not a phony, abusive prick. Unfortunately, by the time the man shows his true colors, he’s already started to show his “Mr. Hyde” side. We believed and trusted wholeheartedly… we fight what we see unfolding before our eyes.

“He just needs time”…”he had a bad relationship and needs to learn he can trust me”.

Sound familiar?

In the meantime, he starts forcing advances, ignoring boundaries, etc. The woman’s inner dialogue is, “If I am quiet, don’t make a fuss, everything will be ok. He just needs more time”. We cower, until our early teaching comes into play…”I can’t do anything about this”. “He’s a man, therefore he’s entitled to…”

Where are we in the bigger picture? We are lying back while allowing a sick individual the right (which he doesn’t deserve) to control us, entirely. No one is entitled to control us in any way. No one has the right to take away our individuality…our pride.

The man is no more entitled to touch us, than he is to steal our car…no matter WHAT your relationship is with that person. A man is NOT ENTITLED to violate you, whether it be emotionally, mentally or sexually…for ANY reason! I don’t care if the person is your husband. When he is entitled is when you ALLOW him to be. True trust is needed before you EVER give someone ANY freedoms over you. I said freely give. It’s a product of respect and trust.

No man is ENTITLED to touch you, just because he CHOOSES to do something nice for you. No man is entitled any actual or supposed power over you, just because he’s a “MAN”.

You are entitled to be safe from harm. You are the sole person who has ALL rights over yourself, your body, who you associate with, and what you say. You choose who is allowed to touch you, and when. If someone tries to take that right from you, they are a predator, pure and simple.

Get the picture?

One year ago, today


One year ago, today, I signed up for wordpress.com and started on my journey.

It was about 3 weeks since the last court appearance. I finally rid myself of an evil that I still can’t explain real well. I lost the battle for the restraining order, but I didn’t fully lose…he’s left me alone from that point on. He got the message, FINALLY!

It was within the prior month that I finally understood just how evil, unpredictable, conniving and dangerous my X-psychopath was. I knew he was abusive before that point, but really didn’t understand EVERYTHING he was.

It was a time when everything I knew about reality was being questioned, panic attacks were insurmountable and the fear was excruciating. I remember being hit with waves of fear. I would watch for him to drive slowly around the set of duplexes which i lived. I was religious in making sure my doors were locked, still afraid to talk to any neighbors or long-time friends.

When I made the decision to stop seeing my counselor, I was left feeling very alone. I felt that way when I was still seeing her, because even she didn’t fully understand, but letting go of that avenue of help was also probably the best thing I could have done. All she knew was he was psychologically abusive. She helped me affirm things I had already figured out…he was trying to isolate me, and keep me teetering. She was the only solid ground I had. Her name is Jennifer. What a wonderful woman.

It was out of not knowing what to do, that I started this blog. I felt like I was the only one to ever experience the hell I had just ran away from. I sounded crazy when I tried to confide in friends and family, but I knew I had to find someone who could relate…just to affirm that I wasn’t crazy, and that there really ARE evil people like the man I met, shared my most intimate secrets with, and allowed complete control of my life.

I started with a journal, sort of. I didn’t know my way around this site, nor did I really think that I would be able to find anyone who could understand…then I started reading other’s blogs. Wow! Talk about mirror images! Phoenix rising…http://phoenixsphere.com/, Paula…http://paularenee.wordpress.com/, Judy…http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/blog/, Collee112…http://nicolerandall.wordpress.com, and so many more, have been the best help I have ever found! I want to take a moment to thank every one of you! You have become my rock and cornerstone in this process of healing. You all have given me solid ground to stand on, and helped me through some horrible times…just by being here.

Today…

I find myself with more confidence, happier, more at peace than I was when I started this blog and encouraged! I no longer have to walk to my car in fear, knowing that the monster was still able to watch me from his place of employment. Many, many lessons have been learned, strength has been found, and I’m no longer the person I was a year ago. To that I say, “Good riddance!” I don’t ever want to be that person again!

I still haven’t “arrived” to the end of my journey. I still battle with some things, though I don’t battle the fear like I did. I’m freer to live my life, without fear of any flack from my X-psychopath. I still am fully aware that he’s a viable threat, but realize that he’s less of a threat to me, now. I worry for other women that he’s conned into believing the lie that he IS. They (she) are now where I was a year ago…2 years ago (the beginning of my life of being a jelly-fish). I hope and pray she finds this blog, finds all of you, and discovers that like me, she’s not alone. Like you, she is not alone.

To anyone who happens to fall upon this blog, I want to tell you WELCOME! You truly have friends here, that you never thought you would ever find. You just came out of a life that you could never dream of, or are just discovering that your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend are damaging to YOU. You feel off-kilter, and afraid. You are questioning your very sanity, and might even be second guessing what you have always known. You might be in a place of discovery and questioning the type of person you met…hence the searches about personality disorders, which will lead you to learning about Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. You will find articles that give you a glimmer of hope. You will find blogs about exactly the same thing you are experiencing AT THIS MOMENT. What is it I want you to know? First and foremost…YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! The day I realized this, deep down, was the day I knew I would be ok. Time can be the best healer, though it also seems like the cruelest. Don’t go through the coming days, weeks or months, trying to handle everything alone!

I have my home, now, which I will protect as if it were my new-born baby. I can walk out to my car, proud and holding my head high. I lived through hell, stared pure evil in the face and survived! I made it out!! No other accomplishment I could ever have would make me feel the pride that I do with that statement!

Don’t give up. Don’t quit. Breathe deep and take another step. Find a way to drown out his/her influences, voice and lies to you. Rest your head knowing you are safe. Soon, that will sink in..I promise you.

Thank you all for being my friends and for making this day, beautiful!

Rose

On this one year anniversary, I wanted to introduce myself finally. I still fear the monster to a degree, so I’ll only give you my first name. The name my friends call me…

My name is Shelly. Wonderful to meet you!!

Encouragement for a challenge…


Beauty
Beauty (Photo credit: Rickydavid)

Of course I’m referring to my recent challenge to everyone, “How are you going to make today beautiful?”

You’ve probably noticed that the challenge and choice of “how” comes easiest when you have a good day. But, what about when you have a hard one? We’re really lucky when we can anticipate a difficult day, coming. Tomorrow will be hard for me. The other cashier is out on vacation this week, which means I am filling in for her with her schedule, instead of my normal closing shift. The good thing is that I’ll be off work tomorrow by 3:30. I’m REALLY looking forward to that! The bad thing is that part of HER job is to deliver to area businesses, and pick up products from other neighboring stores. The potential that I will have to drive to my X-monster’s store is pretty big. I’m not looking forward to that at ALL! If I am required to drive to that store, go in and see the monster, even for a second…it won’t leave me feeling all warm and fuzzy, that’s for sure! It scares me, to be quite honest.

How will I make today beautiful? Lend a word of encouragement to someone struggling, or help them in some way. It’s easy for me to stay in my little protected world. It’s hard sometimes, especially these days, to step out and reach out to someone else..especially someone at work. I don’t know how they view me, or whether they like me or not. All I know is that I do like most everyone at work, regardless of their feelings about me. I’ll always be there for them, like it or not. That’s my own personal challenge. Helping a stranger? That’s easy 😀

Sometimes we’ll find that the day becomes so busy, stressful, and down-right HARD, that it’s difficult to find a moment to do or say anything toward making that day “beautiful”. Don’t be discouraged!! That’s when we need to spend a quiet moment to find something good about our day. Or maybe it’s at that time when just a quiet moment, a cup of cocoa or anything IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED! It’s exactly THAT for that particular day, which will make the day “worth it” and “Beautiful”.

That’s the wonderful thing about this..THERE ARE NO RULES!! lol! Can you remember when, as children, you wished for something like that? Today is the day 😀 ! This is the one area that is strictly, solely OURS! We make it what we want. Do you see areas that are a struggle for you, in your own life? Go against “your” norm, and then recognize the victory…there you have it…A BEAUTIFUL DAY! We all know how easy it is to stay in our hidey-hole…the “comfort zone”. It’s safe, there are no surprises, and entirely BORING! Also, it’s in that safe place that we are frozen in time. We aren’t allowed, nor do we allow ourselves to GROW. I have to reiterate…there is one rule…What ever you choose as your way to make your day beautiful, it needs to be uplifting, regenerating, and bring peace…even for a moment, whether that be for you or for someone else. We can’t go out and intentionally make some one else’s day horrible out of spite, and then walk away thinking, “now THAT was beautiful!” ! Haha :D…no matter how tempting it might be. I know how that is.

One thing that I’ve been working on is refusing to speak negative ANYTHING. If there is gossip about a co-worker that reaches me, I respond with something positive about that person. If someone grumps about something, I pull out something positive, intended to be encouraging for that person. Yesterday, one of the guys said something (I can’t remember exactly what) and I responded with, “that’s really true…we find our own humor, we make each day what we want”. His response?? “Did you just graduate from “Hallmark” school?” Yes, I laughed, though I recognized he was making fun of me. I don’t care. I know I’m finally doing and saying things that will enrich my own life…and hopefully someone else’s, too. In doing this, I’m drowning out negative influences. Lord knows, there’s been enough of THAT in my life!!

Ok, that’s it 😀

Peace!!!