One year ago, today

One year ago, today, I signed up for wordpress.com and started on my journey.

It was about 3 weeks since the last court appearance. I finally rid myself of an evil that I still can’t explain real well. I lost the battle for the restraining order, but I didn’t fully lose…he’s left me alone from that point on. He got the message, FINALLY!

It was within the prior month that I finally understood just how evil, unpredictable, conniving and dangerous my X-psychopath was. I knew he was abusive before that point, but really didn’t understand EVERYTHING he was.

It was a time when everything I knew about reality was being questioned, panic attacks were insurmountable and the fear was excruciating. I remember being hit with waves of fear. I would watch for him to drive slowly around the set of duplexes which i lived. I was religious in making sure my doors were locked, still afraid to talk to any neighbors or long-time friends.

When I made the decision to stop seeing my counselor, I was left feeling very alone. I felt that way when I was still seeing her, because even she didn’t fully understand, but letting go of that avenue of help was also probably the best thing I could have done. All she knew was he was psychologically abusive. She helped me affirm things I had already figured out…he was trying to isolate me, and keep me teetering. She was the only solid ground I had. Her name is Jennifer. What a wonderful woman.

It was out of not knowing what to do, that I started this blog. I felt like I was the only one to ever experience the hell I had just ran away from. I sounded crazy when I tried to confide in friends and family, but I knew I had to find someone who could relate…just to affirm that I wasn’t crazy, and that there really ARE evil people like the man I met, shared my most intimate secrets with, and allowed complete control of my life.

I started with a journal, sort of. I didn’t know my way around this site, nor did I really think that I would be able to find anyone who could understand…then I started reading other’s blogs. Wow! Talk about mirror images! Phoenix rising…http://phoenixsphere.com/, Paula…http://paularenee.wordpress.com/, Judy…http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/blog/, Collee112…http://nicolerandall.wordpress.com, and so many more, have been the best help I have ever found! I want to take a moment to thank every one of you! You have become my rock and cornerstone in this process of healing. You all have given me solid ground to stand on, and helped me through some horrible times…just by being here.

Today…

I find myself with more confidence, happier, more at peace than I was when I started this blog and encouraged! I no longer have to walk to my car in fear, knowing that the monster was still able to watch me from his place of employment. Many, many lessons have been learned, strength has been found, and I’m no longer the person I was a year ago. To that I say, “Good riddance!” I don’t ever want to be that person again!

I still haven’t “arrived” to the end of my journey. I still battle with some things, though I don’t battle the fear like I did. I’m freer to live my life, without fear of any flack from my X-psychopath. I still am fully aware that he’s a viable threat, but realize that he’s less of a threat to me, now. I worry for other women that he’s conned into believing the lie that he IS. They (she) are now where I was a year ago…2 years ago (the beginning of my life of being a jelly-fish). I hope and pray she finds this blog, finds all of you, and discovers that like me, she’s not alone. Like you, she is not alone.

To anyone who happens to fall upon this blog, I want to tell you WELCOME! You truly have friends here, that you never thought you would ever find. You just came out of a life that you could never dream of, or are just discovering that your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend are damaging to YOU. You feel off-kilter, and afraid. You are questioning your very sanity, and might even be second guessing what you have always known. You might be in a place of discovery and questioning the type of person you met…hence the searches about personality disorders, which will lead you to learning about Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. You will find articles that give you a glimmer of hope. You will find blogs about exactly the same thing you are experiencing AT THIS MOMENT. What is it I want you to know? First and foremost…YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! The day I realized this, deep down, was the day I knew I would be ok. Time can be the best healer, though it also seems like the cruelest. Don’t go through the coming days, weeks or months, trying to handle everything alone!

I have my home, now, which I will protect as if it were my new-born baby. I can walk out to my car, proud and holding my head high. I lived through hell, stared pure evil in the face and survived! I made it out!! No other accomplishment I could ever have would make me feel the pride that I do with that statement!

Don’t give up. Don’t quit. Breathe deep and take another step. Find a way to drown out his/her influences, voice and lies to you. Rest your head knowing you are safe. Soon, that will sink in..I promise you.

Thank you all for being my friends and for making this day, beautiful!

Rose

On this one year anniversary, I wanted to introduce myself finally. I still fear the monster to a degree, so I’ll only give you my first name. The name my friends call me…

My name is Shelly. Wonderful to meet you!!

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16 thoughts on “One year ago, today

        1. Thank you! I searched for just the right picture, much like searching for just the right hallmark card…still didn’t really “do it” for me, but I still thought it would be nice. I wanted to get all of you a bouquet, but this will have to do.

      1. Shelly~What a beautiful name as I am SURE you are too!
        I have been “veering off track” and back on and off and on for a few weeks now.
        I am back with him (and funny, as I am typing this, he is calling.)
        I’m going to play HIS game with MY rules is what I have decided, something I have NO intention of allowing HIM to know.
        Explaining this to my sister today made me feel sad as I felt “pity” in her “silence.” 😦
        I reassured her that THIS is MY decision and I am OK with it.
        I fell in love with him and although he has shown me more pain in the 19~ish months I’ve been with him, I have also had more FUN than I have had in my entire life.
        I lived with my Narcissistic Dad until I was 21 and was with the same kinda’ man my Dad was, for 25 years until I (YES, me myself and I 🙂 left him 6 years ago which to this DAY is still my proudest moment of my life aside from the birth of my sons….sad? NOPE…ok which really IS ok!

        HE doesn’t KNOW this and I’m going to allow him to THINK he is STILL God’s Gift to Gaye, but I am ok with the “friends with benefits” thing….for now…until my Prince arrives which I am POSitive he will and if not, I am STILL going to be ok.
        I will NOT allow my HEART to expect ANY more than he is willing (able) to give and when his rage runneths over 😉 I WILL leave instead of hugging him and PLEADing for him to PLEASE accept MY apology for whatEVER venom he is spewing.
        I will no longer be his free ride and I will also (this will be the HARD part) never make “plans” as he LAUGHS, as does God, when I do.
        My heart WILL survive and will be peeking out the sides for that person who TRULY deserves me and when he comes, I will be free for him as this is just HIS game…I have just taken the reins without HIM knowing, allowing myself to LIVE life instead of WATCHING it from the sidelines as I have so many years before.

        1. Shelly~Are you on Face Book?
          If so, here is THE group to join…My Emotional Vampire.
          Sad to think that this is FINally a place where I beLONG, but better than NEVER beLONGing is how I feel.
          The moderators actually started the page when I started blogging and searching EVERY where for help.
          I joined about 3(?) weeks ago and the members have flippin’ DOUBLED.
          I wanted to start my OWN page which is why I started blogging but just keeping up with all the info. from that site is almost too much work. 🙂
          I could never be able to give myself enough to everyone on my own!
          (There are 5 of them, I THINK, that help out with the site/page.)
          I have also found another site you may know about that I am CERtain, had I found this on day ONE of my search for help, I would have NEVER had to look FURther.
          That site is http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/category/columns.
          Authors of many great articles, books and blogs.

          I will keep blogging my journey as I am SURE it will be NO cake walk but like I said…..right NOW….I AM….ok…..
          (Not sure how OUT THERE I want to OUT myself on what my plans are….JUST started dipping my big TOE into this one.)
          I would LOVE to hear your opinion….please do NOT hold back!!!
          ♥♥♥♥
          Gaye

        2. GayeLynn, Please don’t feel that you are on the wrong track. For your sake, you will find the right time and the ability to make a break. That’t the difficult thing. I spent many months placating the monster before I finally found the strength to RUN! I spent hours agonizing over “if” he would call or show up at my house. I placated him by showing up at his house when he asked me to, though I did make sure the time with him was less and less. You will be ok. You will be able to find the strength you need, at the precice time that you need it. Just be aware that the more time you are with him, means the more he will be able to affect you for the long term. You have to be ready. If you try to get away before you are, the less chance that you will be strong enough to say away.

          Don’t beat yourself up, though. You are, and truly will be OK.

    1. Nice to meet you, too, wonderful Lady. You have never been a pumpkin 😀 The heart you show in your blog proves that, and more. May each day bring you more peace and courage than the day before.

    1. It’s wonderful to meet you, too! I don’t know how much courage I have, since I’ve only just introduced myself (first name only). No other identifying criteria is here… 😉 But, courage is growing! I still peek around corners, before taking any big steps…

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