One year ago, today, I signed up for wordpress.com and started on my journey.
It was about 3 weeks since the last court appearance. I finally rid myself of an evil that I still can’t explain real well. I lost the battle for the restraining order, but I didn’t fully lose…he’s left me alone from that point on. He got the message, FINALLY!
It was within the prior month that I finally understood just how evil, unpredictable, conniving and dangerous my X-psychopath was. I knew he was abusive before that point, but really didn’t understand EVERYTHING he was.
It was a time when everything I knew about reality was being questioned, panic attacks were insurmountable and the fear was excruciating. I remember being hit with waves of fear. I would watch for him to drive slowly around the set of duplexes which i lived. I was religious in making sure my doors were locked, still afraid to talk to any neighbors or long-time friends.
When I made the decision to stop seeing my counselor, I was left feeling very alone. I felt that way when I was still seeing her, because even she didn’t fully understand, but letting go of that avenue of help was also probably the best thing I could have done. All she knew was he was psychologically abusive. She helped me affirm things I had already figured out…he was trying to isolate me, and keep me teetering. She was the only solid ground I had. Her name is Jennifer. What a wonderful woman.
It was out of not knowing what to do, that I started this blog. I felt like I was the only one to ever experience the hell I had just ran away from. I sounded crazy when I tried to confide in friends and family, but I knew I had to find someone who could relate…just to affirm that I wasn’t crazy, and that there really ARE evil people like the man I met, shared my most intimate secrets with, and allowed complete control of my life.
I started with a journal, sort of. I didn’t know my way around this site, nor did I really think that I would be able to find anyone who could understand…then I started reading other’s blogs. Wow! Talk about mirror images! Phoenix rising…http://phoenixsphere.com/, Paula…http://paularenee.wordpress.com/, Judy…http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/blog/, Collee112…http://nicolerandall.wordpress.com, and so many more, have been the best help I have ever found! I want to take a moment to thank every one of you! You have become my rock and cornerstone in this process of healing. You all have given me solid ground to stand on, and helped me through some horrible times…just by being here.
I find myself with more confidence, happier, more at peace than I was when I started this blog and encouraged! I no longer have to walk to my car in fear, knowing that the monster was still able to watch me from his place of employment. Many, many lessons have been learned, strength has been found, and I’m no longer the person I was a year ago. To that I say, “Good riddance!” I don’t ever want to be that person again!
I still haven’t “arrived” to the end of my journey. I still battle with some things, though I don’t battle the fear like I did. I’m freer to live my life, without fear of any flack from my X-psychopath. I still am fully aware that he’s a viable threat, but realize that he’s less of a threat to me, now. I worry for other women that he’s conned into believing the lie that he IS. They (she) are now where I was a year ago…2 years ago (the beginning of my life of being a jelly-fish). I hope and pray she finds this blog, finds all of you, and discovers that like me, she’s not alone. Like you, she is not alone.
To anyone who happens to fall upon this blog, I want to tell you WELCOME! You truly have friends here, that you never thought you would ever find. You just came out of a life that you could never dream of, or are just discovering that your husband, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend are damaging to YOU. You feel off-kilter, and afraid. You are questioning your very sanity, and might even be second guessing what you have always known. You might be in a place of discovery and questioning the type of person you met…hence the searches about personality disorders, which will lead you to learning about Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths. You will find articles that give you a glimmer of hope. You will find blogs about exactly the same thing you are experiencing AT THIS MOMENT. What is it I want you to know? First and foremost…YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! The day I realized this, deep down, was the day I knew I would be ok. Time can be the best healer, though it also seems like the cruelest. Don’t go through the coming days, weeks or months, trying to handle everything alone!
I have my home, now, which I will protect as if it were my new-born baby. I can walk out to my car, proud and holding my head high. I lived through hell, stared pure evil in the face and survived! I made it out!! No other accomplishment I could ever have would make me feel the pride that I do with that statement!
Don’t give up. Don’t quit. Breathe deep and take another step. Find a way to drown out his/her influences, voice and lies to you. Rest your head knowing you are safe. Soon, that will sink in..I promise you.
Thank you all for being my friends and for making this day, beautiful!
On this one year anniversary, I wanted to introduce myself finally. I still fear the monster to a degree, so I’ll only give you my first name. The name my friends call me…
My name is Shelly. Wonderful to meet you!!