Entitlement

This is going to be a tough one to write. It has been the center of all of the abuse I have allowed in my life. Entitlement…

Please bear with me.. I realize this might be difficult to follow…

As humans, we are entitled to live free, have free will, and to never be any type of slave of anyone or anything. We are ALL entitled to be safe, fed, and to have a roof over our heads. We are entitled to be happy and to see all of our dreams realized, if not come to fruition. Though we are entitled to have such things, it doesn’t mean we get it or keep any of it, free of effort. We have to work to have a home, food, and to be safe from any harm. We have to work to be happy, even though we are entitled…

The generation of 20 somethings have been referred to as the “Entitlement Generation” (http://cantbeme.com/do-we-spoil-our-children/). I have met several younger people (in their 20’s) that have old-world work ethics and ideals. They are the ones who are working to see their dreams come true…to make sure they are a productive part of society, without showing any sign of Narcissism. The others are exhibiting narcissistic traits. They are the ones that claim entitlement, without working for life’s benefits. If you don’t give them what they want, or if you disagree with them any way, be prepared for any number of onslaughts thrown at you, not limited to but including obscenities and even violence. Even their own parents aren’t immune from their torturous youngsters. Entitlement. Respect. Some understand that respect is earned. So is entitlement, in some ways.

Respect is given where it’s earned. It first begins with true trust. I’m singling that one out from “blind” trust. Trust is often given where it is not warranted. True trust is earned. It’s tried by fire, so-to-speak. It’s when you tell a friend a secret, and they keep it. It’s when you need a shoulder and they’re there for you. Trust is earned when you know you can count on a person to be there for you, protect you, and tell you the hard things. That breeds true trust. It also allows for respect. Once you trust someone, you can decide if they have character to count on them. If you don’t have respect for a person, you also cannot trust them…not fully, anyway. Blind trust is when you THINK you know a person. You think they are decent, nice human beings, without proof of their integrity. Those people haven’t proven they are trust-worthy. That’s blind trust.

Blind trust builds the threshold for abuse.

English: Ted Bundy's FBI photo when he was pla...
English: Ted Bundy’s FBI photo when he was placed on the Ten Most Wanted Fugitives list, 1978. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)When I was a little girl, somehow I learned that the man was to have the last word. He was entitled to rule the roost. It was his place in the cosmos. I learned to stay quiet, and the abuse would end much faster. I also believed that ALL men were meant to be our protectors. I suppose I never stopped searching for my protector. I would meet a man who appeared to be sweet, kind, selfless, chivalrous, etc. etc., but soon he turned into a man who thought he was ENTITLED ie: earned the right…ownership. Entitled to touch, regardless of the torment inside of me. Entitled to push, hit, yell, cuss… He became the man that I needed protection FROM. Where was my protector?? Nowhere to be found.

He believed (by ‘he’, I mean most every man I have ever known) by just the simple fact that he treated me to dinner, he was entitled to touch, kiss, push…control and abuse. There are so many men out there that believe just by being a MAN makes them entitled (that they have the right) to mistreat a woman…a young lady…a child.

Wrong!

As base human beings, we have the RIGHT to free speech. But where would we be if someone hadn’t fought for that right? In court, we are entitled to restitution from the one(s) who wronged us, but we had to fight for that right to receive it. This is where entitlement is separated from perceived entitlement. Did the abuser earn the right to abuse you in any way, to make him entitled in the end?? To touch you, just because you are a woman? Did he fight for ownership of you? Not only no, but oh HELL no!

When a woman is taught to be a victim, she is also taught that she has NO role in her own life to be safe, speak her mind, or protect herself. When the subject of her victimization is a male figure, early on, she grows up with a distorted view of her role in her own life. She is taught to believe and trust without question, especially when it pertains to a male figure. After all, she doesn’t have the right to stand up for herself or question behaviors. The man is the most important. Her job is to oblige, without question. Her role at that point is to remain quiet, so as to keep from furthering abuse or anger.

This is what happens when we have blind trust. We place ourselves in danger, willingly, though we fool ourselves into believing (and fighting to believe) that we are finally SAFE. How trustworthy are first impressions? A man who speaks sweetly to us, does nice things, makes us laugh and tells stories about when they stood up for some random woman who was being mistreated, is one we trust automatically. He’s the one who will love us unconditionally, right? He’s the one who won’t let any other man hurt us in any way. After blindly trusting this individual, sometimes a woman is quick to try and prove herself right, by allowing him certain freedoms only meant for the right person. Not a phony, abusive prick. Unfortunately, by the time the man shows his true colors, he’s already started to show his “Mr. Hyde” side. We believed and trusted wholeheartedly… we fight what we see unfolding before our eyes.

“He just needs time”…”he had a bad relationship and needs to learn he can trust me”.

Sound familiar?

In the meantime, he starts forcing advances, ignoring boundaries, etc. The woman’s inner dialogue is, “If I am quiet, don’t make a fuss, everything will be ok. He just needs more time”. We cower, until our early teaching comes into play…”I can’t do anything about this”. “He’s a man, therefore he’s entitled to…”

Where are we in the bigger picture? We are lying back while allowing a sick individual the right (which he doesn’t deserve) to control us, entirely. No one is entitled to control us in any way. No one has the right to take away our individuality…our pride.

The man is no more entitled to touch us, than he is to steal our car…no matter WHAT your relationship is with that person. A man is NOT ENTITLED to violate you, whether it be emotionally, mentally or sexually…for ANY reason! I don’t care if the person is your husband. When he is entitled is when you ALLOW him to be. True trust is needed before you EVER give someone ANY freedoms over you. I said freely give. It’s a product of respect and trust.

No man is ENTITLED to touch you, just because he CHOOSES to do something nice for you. No man is entitled any actual or supposed power over you, just because he’s a “MAN”.

You are entitled to be safe from harm. You are the sole person who has ALL rights over yourself, your body, who you associate with, and what you say. You choose who is allowed to touch you, and when. If someone tries to take that right from you, they are a predator, pure and simple.

Get the picture?

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12 thoughts on “Entitlement

  1. vicariousrising

    It’s funny that you write this post now; I literally watched a movie called “The Entitled” last night.

    Entitlement has been a weird issue for me all my life, partly because I’ve not got any personal sense of one. I think that’s a bad thing for me in some ways, but I think feeling over-entitled is worse. It just sets upbthe person to be bitter and disappointed, I think.

    1. Entitlement is a tough one for me, too. Entitlement isn’t really the spoiled brat demanding what isn’t rightfully his, even though that’s one feeling I get from hearing the word. Entitlement also brings out a sense of achievement, which is what a healthy, personal view of entitlement, is. For whatever reason, both sides show themselves (arrogance or pride) when you hear that word. I also picture the evil villain writhing in defeat, “I’m ENTITLED to the riches!” With that I get the feeling of the dark side of Entitlement…the part that thinks the object or person of interest belongs to them, just because they “WANT IT SOOOO BAD!” That’s the spoiled brat, kicking and screaming because he/she was told “no” or they aren’t getting “it” fast enough. They are the ones that don’t want to work for what they need or want. They think they’ll get it by throwing the biggest, loudest tantrum or by scheming and lying. (AKA: Political correctness)

      Having a sense of entitlement isn’t a bad thing, when it’s a healthy acknowledgement. It’s what you should have after winning a game, a court battle, or recognizing you are a viable human being. It doesn’t mean you are selfish. It means that you work for the things and people you love. It means that you WON the right to attain ‘it’. To be entitled also affirms pride which, as abuse survivors, we desperately need to have. If the word ‘entitled’ brings negative feelings, or haunting memories, try telling yourself that you DESERVE the good things in life. You deserve to be happy. We can’t wish for it to attain it. We have to accept what is ours, then ‘go get it’.

      You are a beautiful person. You deserve to be happy, safe, and secure. It’s hard to accept for ourselves when we’ve been drilled with negative feedback. Remember, that self-doubt isn’t yours to carry. It was carefully placed there by a Narcissist who couldn’t stand for anyone (including you) to remotely appear successful, or even viable. Remember, those thoughts aren’t yours. They belong to someone else.

  2. weareonebyruth

    As I read this, I thought how my mother taught me to be a victim. How she taught me to manipulate yet defer all things to men. I hope I taught my girls that they have a mind of their own and my boys that protecting means respecting. Thanks for writing this post.

  3. I found you through when you did a ping from my blog and this post http://cantbeme.com/do-we-spoil-our-children/ My heart goes out to you. I think you will be able to help others with your story.
    My blog was supposed to be a reality blog. I had a homeless brother that was going to be the main focus of the blog. He was arrested last year and put in prison prison for abusing his daughter for over 12 years.
    It will be on the Dr Phil Show in November or December. The main reason was to get help for my niece and also to help anyone else that could be in that horrible situation.
    The things he did are so horrible that I just made a post tonight telling everyone that the Homeless Brother was leaving Can’t Be Me blog. I’m still going to do it but will have to use a different name so the rest of the family isn’t hurt or victimized anymore.
    I wish you the best. You really sound like you are well on your way from victim to survivor. I wish we could get all to that point.

    1. Deborah, thank you for your comment and encouragement :). I know all too well about child abuse. My heart goes out to you, the rest of your family and especially to his daughter. She will have to find a way to come to peace with not only what has happened to her, but also with the fact that her dad was the one who abused her. She’ll need you and the rest of your family to be the rock she needs in order to combat the confusion and pain as it is unveiled. She is lucky to have you, knowing you believe her and believe IN her.

      Time is the best teacher and healer. Unfortunately the avenues time chooses to heal, can also seem insurmountably cruel, too.

      The best way you and your family can heal is to refrain from any blame toward anyone, which would only add more pain. Band together and support one another. Healing will come, I assure you. Be strong and keep moving your feet 🙂

  4. Pingback: The other side of recovery | My journey of healing from psychological abuse

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