Manipulations…

This is actually a reply I gave to another blogger, but I think it could be useful to someone else that is either currently in that position, or someone who is needing to know that what they have lived through, really wasn’t made up in their own mind. (I often thought that I was half crazy to think “that” way about the monster I clinged to for a time). I hope someone finds this helpful to their situation.. :

I’ve had a difficult time recounting everything he did. To put it in a short way, he treated me like he hated me, from the beginning, though he fought so hard to keep me. I have always believed that there should be no secrets between husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend. Since my Psychopathic X, I have since changed that. I told him (he asked me, point-blank) how many men I’d “been with”. That became his favorite ammunition for attack, at every turn. I would talk about the sun (yes, it was that ridiculous) and he would counter, angrily, “I don’t want to hear about anything to do with your 16 X boyfriends!!” I would tell him about my day, and a customer that joked around with me and it would be turned into something AWFUL! “Oh, He’s trying to get in your pants” and I would be treated with disdain. Then he would make dinner for me, buy me a new gift, etc. Then the barrage would begin again..within hours. He got angry with me about EVERYTHING I said to him, silly nonsense things that I had hoped would turn into a fun time for us.

Here’s the sick twist…While he was treating me like that, belittling me and slamming me at every turn, he was creating “nice” scenarios that he could use against me, whether personally, or to show coworkers, friends and family how wonderful he was to me. He made sure that very little made it into emails, and any time he attacked me, it was in person or over the phone. They were always out of the blue attacks. Afterwards, when I was overwhelmed with feeling trapped and full of anxiety, he tried to present himself as my “savior”.

He is paranoid…excessively paranoid. It’s amazing how he was able to direct MY natural human reactions by his manipulative tactics, to create a scenario in which I would appear to be the paranoid one.

Another piece of ammunition, was my abusive past. I openly told him about that one too. I trusted him. I was wrong to do that. He often told me how he could tell I had been abused, before he ever asked me out…by watching me…Gave me the willies, to be quite honest. I felt that I had been chosen…not as the perfect mate, but as the perfect “subject”. I later discovered that psychopaths have a super-human (if you want to call it that) ability to pick an abused person out of a crowd. Serial rapists are able to do that…serial killers… IE: Ted Bundy…aka: mr. sweet, kind, innocent, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, type.

Why did I stay? Initially, I stayed because I saw red-flags in him but didn’t trust my instincts. I thought I was wrong about him. Hadn’t given him a “real” chance, yet. After all, he was still the sweet, caring individual I met. No…he observed…took note…and utilized every piece of weakness he discovered in me. When I finally realized what (who) I was dealing with (I hadn’t come to the conclusion that he was Psychopathic yet, but did know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was psychologically abusive, and Narcissistic), I was afraid to leave…walk (or run) away, because he had me soooo afraid at work! I had no support system left. I was trapped. I considered suicide, because I had no way out (that I saw through my psyche that he created). I didn’t live with him. He constantly watched my house, making me pay for and account for all of his twisted observations. He would torment me at work, at home, everywhere I went.

I suppose he did fill a need in me. I had met abusive men, over and over again, over the past number of years. Each was worse than the first. Drug addicts, alcoholics, control freaks, yadda yadda yadda… I thought I finally found the man of my dreams. He never did say thank you, though, when I would jump on a whim, to his every beckoned call. When I cooked dinner for HIM, etc.

My memories are jumbled, still. When I describe him to myself I hear it as though through someone else…”that doesn’t sound that bad”…and I’m back to rehashing things…YES IT WAS THAT BAD.

Something you need to realize…NONE OF IT WAS OR IS YOUR FAULT! You dealt with a predator that you trusted. You believed he held your best interests at heart. How can we, who view the genus of “homo sapiens” as entirely human, ever be able to fully understand the heartless, conscious-void, individual, posing as “human”. I said they POSE AS HUMAN. They twist and manipulate our hearts and minds into becoming what they want us to be. The shitty thing is, IT WORKS! Not your fault. You are a victim of abuse. Severe abuse. You aren’t alone anymore, sweety! Use that as your mantra on a daily basis!

Fight to find some peace in your heart. it isn’t gone…just covered up by his lies and manipulations. You are still you, inside.

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16 thoughts on “Manipulations…

  1. weareonebyruth

    The isolation and seperation from the support of others can be physical or psychological. The only way I can stay in low contact with my mother is to NEVER be alone with her or talk to her on the phone. I also learned a lot about Stockholm syndrome. That was a real eye opener for me. I was actually identifing with my abusers and making excuses for them. Thank you for speaking up.

    1. Funny you should mention Stockholm Syndrome.. The way my X would do things, with the gaslighting and intimidation, he did everything so precise and calculatedly, I had the feeling that was exactly what he was trying to ‘encourage’ in me. He had a plan with every step in place, and was calculating everything as if with an engineer’s mind. Everything he did was part of a scheme, especially with me. Hind-sight and extrospection are the keys to recognizing this in your (and mine) situation. I’m glad we both recognized it. Our hell would be much more excruciating if we didn’t.

  2. The struggle is in trying to make sense of the nonsensical. It’s so difficult to understand another human being who says they love us really takes pleasure in hurting us.

    1. Very true! There were so many aspects to the monster that were completely nonsensical…I was in a tail spin trying to make sense of everything…what he willingly put me through, created, and in the person himself. Every time I tried to understand humanely, he would prove to me that he didn’t have ONE human attribute. Not one.

      By the way, your comment was pinged as ‘spam’! What do the folks at ‘askmet’ know, anyway?!

    2. They only prey upon those of us who are truly good people – we want to believe the best in people, to have faith in “love,” to finally get that Happy Ending. They can see our aura of light from a mile away and from that point on they seek only to crush us and take our light for themselves. It’s the only way they can survive.

  3. Yes! That is exactly how I got sucked in, from the “confessions” of abuse and past lovers to current table-turning criticism! I trusted, he took advantage. Thank you for writing so eloquently about the predator’s process.

    1. I hate the term “naive” but that’s what we were, going in. The questions he asked me weren’t for knowledge-sake, but to find another tool or piece of ammo to use against me, in part of a grander scheme. thank you for commenting 🙂 I’m glad this helped you, too.

        1. The sad thing about our education, is it inadvertently groomed us to be attractive to a predator. We should have been taught to love ourselves first, before EVER aspiring for a life of being loved by a potential mate. When I was a child, all girls (that I know of) were day dreaming of one thing…being married and happy. hope chests were very common then, too. We day dreamed of being the princesses in the stories we loved so much. We dreamed of a happy ever after. Not very realistic, was it?

          1. I don’t think there’s anything at all “inadvertent” about how we were raised – I think it was all to keep us drinking the kool-aid of the patriarchy. I think it was deliberate, insidious, and it’s still going on today, but the focus is more on “being hot” than “happily every after” – little girls in slutty clothes, “high heels” for babies! Come on! What is the purpose of all of it but to satisfy the twisted needs of men? Sorry. I’m pissed off today and I misplaced my rose colored glasses 🙂

  4. I think it’s normal that you don’t remember all the details of what your N ex did to you. For one, most if his behavior was irrational and probably made your subconscious work over time trying to “normalize” him. It’s a form of gasliting that he did to you. It’s awesome that you’ve moved past it to see it as his fuck-up-ed-ness.

    1. I can see everything as though it were still happening. I do remember. It’s just getting it from my head to recounting it for someone else, that’s hard to do. I think it was in trying to ‘normalize’ him, that makes it so difficult for me, now, as you mentioned. That’s the part that has been so hard to bring from unformable “goo”, and into a formable understanding. I still can’t fathom the person I met, the why’s behind everything he did, and WHY he fought so hard to keep me. I told him once that I was just a perfect “subject” in his game. He put so much time into recreating me that he didn’t want to have to start over. You can imagine his response to that one.

    1. That’s so true, Judy. Even though I don’t ever want someone I care about to ever go through what I did, sometimes I wish they could get a glimpse just so they could understand better. Until then, all they can do is “hear”, but not believe. How could they believe it? It’s hard for me, too.

  5. Pingback: When a psychopath, narcissist, cluster-b, ASPD won’t leave.. | My journey of healing from psychological abuse

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