This is actually a reply I gave to another blogger, but I think it could be useful to someone else that is either currently in that position, or someone who is needing to know that what they have lived through, really wasn’t made up in their own mind. (I often thought that I was half crazy to think “that” way about the monster I clinged to for a time). I hope someone finds this helpful to their situation.. :
I’ve had a difficult time recounting everything he did. To put it in a short way, he treated me like he hated me, from the beginning, though he fought so hard to keep me. I have always believed that there should be no secrets between husband and wife, or boyfriend and girlfriend. Since my Psychopathic X, I have since changed that. I told him (he asked me, point-blank) how many men I’d “been with”. That became his favorite ammunition for attack, at every turn. I would talk about the sun (yes, it was that ridiculous) and he would counter, angrily, “I don’t want to hear about anything to do with your 16 X boyfriends!!” I would tell him about my day, and a customer that joked around with me and it would be turned into something AWFUL! “Oh, He’s trying to get in your pants” and I would be treated with disdain. Then he would make dinner for me, buy me a new gift, etc. Then the barrage would begin again..within hours. He got angry with me about EVERYTHING I said to him, silly nonsense things that I had hoped would turn into a fun time for us.
Here’s the sick twist…While he was treating me like that, belittling me and slamming me at every turn, he was creating “nice” scenarios that he could use against me, whether personally, or to show coworkers, friends and family how wonderful he was to me. He made sure that very little made it into emails, and any time he attacked me, it was in person or over the phone. They were always out of the blue attacks. Afterwards, when I was overwhelmed with feeling trapped and full of anxiety, he tried to present himself as my “savior”.
He is paranoid…excessively paranoid. It’s amazing how he was able to direct MY natural human reactions by his manipulative tactics, to create a scenario in which I would appear to be the paranoid one.
Another piece of ammunition, was my abusive past. I openly told him about that one too. I trusted him. I was wrong to do that. He often told me how he could tell I had been abused, before he ever asked me out…by watching me…Gave me the willies, to be quite honest. I felt that I had been chosen…not as the perfect mate, but as the perfect “subject”. I later discovered that psychopaths have a super-human (if you want to call it that) ability to pick an abused person out of a crowd. Serial rapists are able to do that…serial killers… IE: Ted Bundy…aka: mr. sweet, kind, innocent, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, type.
Why did I stay? Initially, I stayed because I saw red-flags in him but didn’t trust my instincts. I thought I was wrong about him. Hadn’t given him a “real” chance, yet. After all, he was still the sweet, caring individual I met. No…he observed…took note…and utilized every piece of weakness he discovered in me. When I finally realized what (who) I was dealing with (I hadn’t come to the conclusion that he was Psychopathic yet, but did know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was psychologically abusive, and Narcissistic), I was afraid to leave…walk (or run) away, because he had me soooo afraid at work! I had no support system left. I was trapped. I considered suicide, because I had no way out (that I saw through my psyche that he created). I didn’t live with him. He constantly watched my house, making me pay for and account for all of his twisted observations. He would torment me at work, at home, everywhere I went.
I suppose he did fill a need in me. I had met abusive men, over and over again, over the past number of years. Each was worse than the first. Drug addicts, alcoholics, control freaks, yadda yadda yadda… I thought I finally found the man of my dreams. He never did say thank you, though, when I would jump on a whim, to his every beckoned call. When I cooked dinner for HIM, etc.
My memories are jumbled, still. When I describe him to myself I hear it as though through someone else…”that doesn’t sound that bad”…and I’m back to rehashing things…YES IT WAS THAT BAD.
Something you need to realize…NONE OF IT WAS OR IS YOUR FAULT! You dealt with a predator that you trusted. You believed he held your best interests at heart. How can we, who view the genus of “homo sapiens” as entirely human, ever be able to fully understand the heartless, conscious-void, individual, posing as “human”. I said they POSE AS HUMAN. They twist and manipulate our hearts and minds into becoming what they want us to be. The shitty thing is, IT WORKS! Not your fault. You are a victim of abuse. Severe abuse. You aren’t alone anymore, sweety! Use that as your mantra on a daily basis!
Fight to find some peace in your heart. it isn’t gone…just covered up by his lies and manipulations. You are still you, inside.