It’s been over a year since the last court date. I still work for the same company as my x-monster.
I write to think things out and hopefully gain some semblance of actual conclusion. Unfortunately, I still deal with the confusion on occasion. I have read, studied, recounted, rehashed, and still..
Throughout my life, when difficulties arose, I would strong-arm my way through them. Kind of a proverbial “boot-strap” scenario, where I yank the little f’ers high and trudge through the piles of shit. I have always come out on top. I’ve always become stronger, more determined and able to say I made it through…
I’m trying to strong arm my way through everything, now. I’ve been trying to do just that. Before, what I was dealing with were cruel people, difficult days etc., yet nothing that waged an all out assault on my psyche at the same time. Now, I’m trying to regain SOMETHING, ANYTHING that resembles who I was before the all out assault from the bastard.
I wrote some time ago about the ‘anger’ that just wasn’t there.
It’s there, now. I can say I hate him. The only reason I label him with a word that even remotely links him to humanity (him) is because that is his form. Yes, he is human, as his chromosomal make-up dictates. He was born to a beautiful woman, who is proud to be called his Mother. He wasn’t hatched or born of fire. He’s human….and entirely evil.
I think of who I was before I chose so carelessly, to allow myself to be dictated to and controlled. I remember myself when I would first wake up in the morning… I was that person that you wanted to smother with a pillow :). I woke up babbling, nonsensically chirping away with each sip of coffee. The rest of the house wanted some peace while the caffeinated nectar infused their veins. I’m silent, now. My thoughts race as they have always done, but I don’t share anything. I don’t say much. I still second guess what comes out of my mouth, just as he conditioned me to do. I can’t break free from that, for some reason. I think of all of that, and I HATE him more with each passing second. Yes, I have arrived.
I have managed to rebuild some personal areas. I can joke and prod others into verbal jousting matches. I’m not very good at it anymore, yet I am growing some personal relationships at work. Customers like me. Coworkers like me, though I am still leery of them.
I think of the ease that I used to have around people. I was myself, everywhere I went. I’m still me, with a dusting of muck. For that, I hate him.
I didn’t deserve any of what he threw at me. I didn’t ask for it, nor did any of it EVER make sense. It still doesn’t. I was a subject in a cruel game, which had no plot. No building of an actual story, which would make me the best subject to center on, for him. I still believe it was a serial game of his, to replay some sick form of gratification geared toward any female to have ever rejected him. He likes to control. He likes to dominate through the one area that can be discounted by so many on the outside. He can hide the abuse that way. It’s as if he has to have someone there at all times, so he can claim omnipotence. The brainwashing was/is used to keep the woman trapped in a pseudo-relationship. He fought soo hard to keep me trapped.
I got out…
The “trained observer” never missed a thing. For example… Just before the first breakup that January, he and I had fought. He was being cruel, manipulative and, as he was skilled in doing, dishing out the ‘crazy making’. I fought with him, hung up on him, and was entirely peeved. I fidget when I’m upset. I just happened to fidget on Facebook that night. I would never have openly named anything regarding him, there. Status Shuffle is a great way to let your mood shine. Mine did.
Later on, he and I were friends on FB, and he combed through my page. He found the stupid little status’ that the app had just for me that night. He looked, compared notes, dates, and voila! He determined that each silly, stupid statement was about him. It was. He accused me of badmouthing him all over facebook since everyone would know it was about him. Really? No one KNEW about him!! All they knew is I was finding silly one-liner slams.
I said all of that to say this. I don’t know for sure if he has found this blog. Since he was able to go through things like a seasoned detective, I’m sure he has found this. No doubt in my mind. He’s going to be absolutely silent about it, unless for some reason he’s stupid enough to think he can corner me and intimidate me.
Not gonna happen.
To my X-monster…
Since I “see” you, in every way you have tried to hide from everyone…your schemes, cons, manipulations and lies. I see your methodology, and your M.O. I am a threat to you, and you know it. That’s why you turned your back to me the other day. You are evil, beyond any measure.
Because of you I have found a level of hatred that I still can’t express… A hatred that also can’t be measured. It is absolutely parallel to your slimy self.
I AM a threat to what makes you tick. I am a threat to your survival, exposing everything you are. I HAVE exposed you and I will CONTINUE to do so.
Do NOT underestimate me.