When a psychopath, narcissist, cluster-b, ASPD won’t leave..

Over the past few days or even months (shame on me) someone has used various search terms which has lead them to my blog. Though there are several different ones, these catch my eye every time. Of course, it’s my story too. I know this one!!

This next paragraph is going to be nothing but the searches people have done.

“when a narcissist won’t leave you alone”, “how to get narcissist ex to leave you alone”, ” my psychopath boyfriend won’t leave”, “why dont abusive men leave u alone”,  and finally “abusive men vindictive after leaving”. The last one might as well be labeled, “AKA: vindictive x won’t leave me alone”. I could have been the one googleing just those search terms.

Each of these statements lead me to believe the person wants OUT and FAR away from the abusive individual.

You are fighting a war inside. The weapons against you have been skillfully and methodically placed, at just the right time to be the most effective against the victim. Recognize them for what they are…

LIES!!!!!

The Narcissist, Psychopath, or Sociopath knows how to pick just the right subject. They do it purposefully, cruelly and without conscience. You were the chosen subject. They were cruel, and you were just being the sweet, kind HUMAN that you’ve always been! It’s those base human characteristics that the predator sees as a challenge. It’s the ultimate power game. They see it as a weakness that would be fun to conquer…nothing more. The more they tear you apart, the more powerful they feel and they believe they are winning their role in the game. It’s a game to them. But at the same time, it’s their life. They can’t live any other way. It’s their food and life’s blood. You are their prey.

Please understand, YOU ARE NOT IN ANY WAY AT FAULT! Please don’t feel like you need to change that which makes you so uniquely YOU. When you are finally away from that relationship, the things that make you YOU, are exactly what you will need to reaffirm in order to begin to heal. There are areas that we need to strengthen, however, to keep this from happening again in the future. I’ll touch on those, later. Now is not the time.

Life has a way of teaching us the hard things. Unfortunately it’s usually in the realm of ‘hind-sight’ that we learn…after the abuse…after the damage has been done. I don’t happen to be one who followed through with my gut instincts, in order to avoid the abuse. For me, there’s damage that I’m working through as a result. It’s a daily fight. For many the damage is done, and it’ll be a long road of getting ‘past’ it to be able to function normally again. That’s where I am. My year was spent wasted, with a whole lot of ‘shoulda-coulda-wouldas’. Not a nice realization, once you get there.

I hope this post finds you in the early days of the abusive relationship, before the brainwashing. Before the physical abuse starts. Before second guessing yourself sets in and you feel you need to hide from everyone around you. I pray it hasn’t gotten to that point. If you ARE there, or you can sense it looming, it’s NOT TOO LATE! The fact remains, in order to move on and to heal, you have to know you are out of everything and are safe. Don’t be afraid. They are weaker than you (and they) think. The slugs wither when you pour a little salt on their slimy back-sides.

A little of my own story: My best advocate was the ability to look outside the situation, and see what was really going on. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to my gut. I didn’t take my own suspicions seriously or act on it, accordingly. I should have.

There’s always the proverbial straw. The one that snaps when you have finally been through enough. You’ve finally HAD enough! By this time though, you are probably dealing with a lot of anxiety and fear about leaving. You might even be thinking that cordiality is the best option. “break it to him gently, with respect…” , or “try to help him realize…” Realize what? That he’s succeeding in the game? That every step he’s taken to belittle you, isolate you and control you is WORKING?? Believe me, all that ‘cordiality’ will do is feed him more. He’ll decide to step up the abuse even MORE!

I tried to piss my X off to the point that he’d WANT to break up with me. I tried the ‘crazy’ approach and the cordiality. I tried it all. Each time, he pushed even harder. He actually made another copy of my house key, thinking I wouldn’t know. Learning more about the monster alerted me to that one. I changed the locks and mentioned it to the landlord.

As I was looking at the situation, I realized just how emotionally tied I was. Emotionally, I was a mess. Entirely confused and outrageously frightened. I decided the first step for me, would be to break the emotions that bound me to the situation. I started spending less time with him, less time talking to him, shorter statements, and started calling him on his abuse. Unfortunately, this route also kept things going even longer. For me, it had to be done so I could build enough strength to make a break for it. I wasn’t emotionally tied through sex, or even affection. it was entirely anxiety and fear that kept me stuck. I was able to see things even clearer as a result of taking a few steps back. It was a good thing for me to do things that way first.

He kept sending notes, leaving flowers, emails, phone calls, etc. I would answer his emails on occasion, which only encouraged him.

Then there was finally the court date. I fought for a restraining order against him, but was denied. The judge’s reason? I WAS STILL ALLOWING CONTACT!  I was trying to remain cordial!

Hmmm….

In order to get him to leave you alone, you first MUST recognize him for what he is (or she, if that be the case)…A PREDATOR!! Think of the African lion. If you cut off their food supply, they will leave the area to find more fruitful hunting grounds. They will beat feet on their way, spewing a slew of lies behind them.

don’t react, don’t respond, recognize that these are nothing but LIES, and anyone who knows you will recognize it. Don’t allow him to push you into an argument. Of course you will become angry. That’s what he wants! Don’t glorify his attempts with a response. Remember who you are, you may have to force yourself to do this at first.

The best tool at this point…HANG UP…WALK OUT…STAY SILENT… Any reaction from you is encouragement for him.

End ALL CONTACT!! Boom! Done! No questions! No explanations. He doesn’t deserve any more of YOU. He’s taken so much, already. Make sure you send him one LAST email, or better yet…a mailed letter with only your expectations. You want NO more communication. Mail it to his address, CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT. He doesn’t miss any details. Don’t feel like you are going beyond anything in doing this. It’s absolutely necessary, I assure you.

From this point on, each attempt of his to contact you, CALL THE POLICE! I filed for an emergency restraining order, which was placed in effect the first day. This was temporary, but solid enough for him to get the point. Each attempt he made toward contact was met with police officers at his front door. I don’t apologize for the ‘over the top’ responses. If I hadn’t done that, it would have taken even longer to get rid of him. Translation to the Psychopath, narcissist, etc?? HE HAD BEEN EXPOSED! He had to come up with a story to tell everyone. He chose to tell them how crazy I am. whatever. the people who matter already know me, and I don’t have to defend myself to anyone. Don’t worry about anyone but YOU! YOU are who matters!

They are ridiculously PARANOID! They are afraid of one thing most of all…EXPOSURE! Once he begins to see you getting stronger, he will fight for a while to shut you down. Any and all tactics could be used. Playing on your sympathies. Pretending to have some life-threatening illness. Prayer chains (yep, that too)…talking to your deceased loved one… then back to taunting you into an argument, only to twist it so that you are confused further and second guessing yourself WHILE IN THE ARGUMENT. He’ll try to convince you that he will come clean, admitting fault, and that you are correct. He’ll pull out any and all cards against you. It’s all manipulative B.S.!

Get a digital recorder to record any voicemails he leaves for you. If he calls DON’T PICK UP THE PHONE! Let the answering machine do it for you. don’t call back. If he threatens anything, it’s just to get you to react. Don’t play!

Get a notebook and start writing down everything having to do with him. This will be useful, later. Talk to the people around you. Your closest friends, family, co-workers etc. DEFINITELY EXPOSE HIM AND HIS ABUSE. He’ll hear about it, but won’t dare respond. To respond publicly means he takes the chance of showing guilt. He’ll fight against this. No matter what, stand your ground. His temper tantrum will be short-lived.  I assure you. It’ll be loud and foul. Full of pomp and circumstance… Not to worry… he’s losing and you are winning!

A great post by Annie Kazina, “http://recoverfromemotionalabuse.com/2012/03/top-10-tips-to-guarantee-an-abusive-man-wont-leave-you-alone/”.. it’s a great article. Read it.

I wish you peace in the coming days. Keep your feet moving. Keep breathing and learn to shut out his lies. They will echo for a while. Replace them with whatever is good, noble and beautiful. Replace them with what you KNOW is the truth. Baby steps are still steps moving forward.

Don’t allow any more secrets. Your life is your own.

 

 

 

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57 thoughts on “When a psychopath, narcissist, cluster-b, ASPD won’t leave..

  1. rohan7things

    Another great post, you’re creating quite a resource here with this blog! Absolutely agree with No Contact. These people will use every trick in the book, letters, ‘romantic gestures’, threats, to get a reaction, and any time you give them that reaction it prolongs the pain. Cut off all contact, make it clear that you are doing this, change your phone number and locks, and then surround yourself with people who know what’s going on and who care for you and will help you through the process until the psycho gets the message and moves onto something else.

    Also, you should add ‘bullying’ to your tags, this kind of thing also comes under bullying within relationships. And check out this site, mainly on workplace bullying, but very very good: http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/index.htm

    Keep it up! 🙂

    Rohan.

    1. Very true! That’s everything I had to do, but only after I tried to place him in the realm of “normal” first. Only after assuming he needed to be treated as any normal human, should. I could see enough of him to recognize the new levels of manipulation, and to realize just how wrong I was! It takes time to see them for who and what they are. We are human and naturally assume others are, too. That’s one of the things that hurts us in this type of relationship. It’s not something I want to change though. It’s one of the many things that keeps us far removed from them. I relish the distance 🙂

  2. I wish I had known about the No Contact rule sooner after I escaped. I assumed My X was normal, of normal pathology, and just needed time to realize things just didn’t work out between us. Wow!!! What a mistake for me to think he was normal! Great post. Thank you. 🙂

    1. I did the EXACT SAME THING and for the exact same reasons! I wish we would learn the lessons ahead of time, without having to learn in this way. I’m grateful for the lessons, but it would be easier and less painful, ya know? Hugs, Paula 😀

    1. When you are ‘in it’, sometimes all you CAN do is react to the situation staring you in the face. It’s hard to step back to see the entire picture. We do our best, though. I wish I had a conversation with someone…anyone…in the early days about my X, or about what to do if this should occur. Unfortunately, all advice would have been given with the thought that the monster was/is human and we would act accordingly. I assume that whoever is doing the searching is where I WAS, then. I was getting a serious sense of de’ja vue…

  3. Sad thing is, you were there at MY beginning as was Paula and a few other Bloggers.
    I KNEW what I had to do and I STILL didn’t head the warnings!
    I still go back to, “The GREAT times were SO GREAT” and they delude my RATIONal thinking (if I have any at all) that, “The BAD times were SO TERRIFYINGLY HORRIFIC!”
    The longest I’ve gone NC was 2 weeks ago for FOUR weeks.
    I swear, I have NEVER been PROUDER of ME…..and then, I let him in through that miniscule crack that only snakes like him can slither through. 😦
    Yes, I CAN (and AM) jumping BACK on the NC WAGON but I SWEAR, it gets harder each and every time!
    WTF??????????????????
    One thing I have changed (and probably NOT for the better) is that instead of studying him and all about his Socio~paTHETic ways, I have now turned the tables back to me because I HAD/HAVE too.(?)
    (YES, I DO understand it IS him….but it was ALso my Dad and also my X husband of 25 years and the few BAD experiences before THIS one~HE just happens to be the longest and hardest for me to get past.(?)
    It will be TWO years this January 22nd and I swear to GOD (even though I do NOT have ANY belief in HIM ANY more, loooonnnng story) that if I don’t move on BY then (before then, NOW) I will allow him to steal myt SOUL.
    Which we ALL know is THEIR main objective as they are SOUL~less pathetic pieces of SCUM!
    😦
    Back to how I have now turned the tables is that even though I am SO sick of “labels” because I have fought tooth and nail to get a Dr./shrink to do that to ME without ANY luck (good fortune(?), I have finally came up with my own……
    BPD.
    Does this HELP me?
    Not at all as the ONLY way to “cure” this “label” is through YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of re~training my BRAIN.
    I wish it were as easy as popping yet anOTHER pill/anti-depressant, but it’s not and because I have been on them ALL, I am very much aware of this sad fact.
    The ONLY pleasure I get from this “label” is that…..THIS REALLY HAS NOT BEEN MY FAULT.
    This IS because of my horrific nightmarish childhood that has followed me to this old age of 51.5.
    It IS time I FIX ME and never ALLOW THEM into my life….EVER AGAIN.
    And if this means being without a “male” for the rest of my life, that CAN and WILL be manageable.
    It’s time to put my big girl pants on and take the rest of my life into my OWN hands and nobody elses!!

    Wish me LUCK…..here I go….

  4. If only we didn’t have children, cutting contact would be so much easier! I had to send him another email today asking him to only contact me regarding the kids. I told him this is the last time I will ask him to respect my wishes. I didn’t tell him this, but if he sends me one more email saying I’ll like something, or he was thinking about me, I will file a restraining order against him.

    A month ago he tried to tell me he might have Cancer, I didn’t even respond to that mess. Then he tried using the kids, still no response, I knew it would kill him that I was ignoring him and now he’s trying to be my friend by sending me articles, or anything else he thinks I will like. I know who and what he is and I won’t forget it.

    1. I’m sorry you are going through this. In spite of everything, I’m glad for several things with my Psych. I never lived with him, married him nor did we ever have kids together. Cutting ties was easy, once I became purely afraid of the monster he is. The hardest part for me was fearing repercussions if I broke up with him. In the end, I had no choice. You are doing great, not allowing his manipulative BS to get the better of you. You already know what you are dealing with, there. If I can, may I suggest going through a victim’s advocate for counsel? They are trained in all manner of Domestic Abuse cases, and are generally free to victims. If it comes down to a restraining order, remember how afraid you are of him, for yourself but especially the kids. You are in a hard place, but doing so very well!! Pat yourself on the back 😀 You deserve it!! Hang in there…

      1. Thanks for the support. I keep forgetting that I can seek counseling through a woman’s shelter or something similar. I have this huge list of things I need to get done and sometimes taking care of myself falls to the very bottom of that list. I’m going to look up these counselors right now. He has generally been a good father, but he attacked me in front of the kids recently and I see how unstable he is. I feel extra protective of them right now. They love their dad because he’s their dad, but I’ve also noticed they do not care to talk with him as frequently as they did before. He has done this to himself.

  5. I was hoping I’d mostly dodged the “boomerang Cluster-B” bullet, but about a week ago, in a counselling session, my husband let it slip that his cousin (my ex-N, yes, it’s complicated) has approached him a few times about “making amends” the last couple of years. My husband did not inform me of this, which was extremely irritating. Deep down, I believe my husband would like at least superficial peace to be established (I have been doing my best to enforce No Contact, however, which has entailed me excluding myself from many of his family functions). The incident with the counsellor sent me into “fight or flight” mode for a few days.

    My friend brought me back to earth, thankfully. “Even if this cousin was to make amends to you, confess to everything he had done against you truthfully, and apologized, what difference would it make? You know what he CHOSE to do to you, AGAIN and AGAIN, you know you will never be able to trust him (with good reason), so why would you even entertain any contact with him ever again?” She said (bless her heart).

    I was angry with my husband because I thought that if I’d nipped his cousin’s first attempt at reconnecting in the bud, this whole saga would have been over more than a year ago. But “nipping it in the bud” would have played me into the cousin’s hands again, violated No Contact, etc. I wish my husband was willing to stand by me against this guy, because the cousin is attempting to use my husband like a pawn to influence me and get a foot in the door. Thank goodness for this blog and the many others who are exposing the tactics of these losers, not to mention providing validation for those of us who are overcoming psychological and narcissistic abuse.

    1. I’m sorry for not responding sooner! Been a crazy couple of months, and for whatever reason, I missed this comment!

      Trying to put myself in your situation, as you mentioned, I can imagine the hell you were thrust into! I’m amazed that your husband, knowing your situation with this other guy, would even CONSIDER reconciliation with him! He knows (I assume) everything this other guy put you through. Your husband’s no.1 concern should be for YOU! He should never think about placating his cousin, knowing full well that your well-being would instantly be threatened. Girl, I would have been afraid, too. Sounds like you have an amazing counselor! Believe me, they are rare!

  6. Pingback: I’m Losing It | Goddess Unleashed

  7. how do I get away if I have a baby with him we’ve been living together but I’ve been paying the bills, having to deal with his multiple disorders of being a psychopath and the actor side of him trying to presume this ordinary normal 🙂 person he pretends to be….. I can never do anything Right this man, he also has admit that he’s’ not happy and trys to threaten me that he’s not gonna pay rent, which leaves me stuck to pay cuz of course I need a place to live for e and my baby…..right? then if I go get a restraint order, its going to make him go crazy, desperate to get revenge on me in any way possible and there is no limits to this man’ he would put me in jail if that’s what it takes, destroy my vehicle, harass my family with his lies about me, possible even try to frame me for some dirt we did long time ago and use my past against me like for one I hate cops much less have to go to court and I have done things in my past I’m not proud of and want to overcome those days but I feel trapped into having to deal with this monster…..I have become accustomed and use to all the different personalities he has, I no longer enjoy sex with him because I find him so disgusting I can’t bare his touch, I can’t disagree with him or e’ls’e I’m stupid among other stuff said……… I wish I could just disappear with my baby and neve’r- ever ever see him again… 😦

    1. Hi Angel. I can’t fully relate to your situation because I was lucky, in a way. I didn’t have to worry about a baby, and my X being the father. However, I CAN relate 🙂 Maybe I can help. Your situation still echos mine, in that my X was very vindictive. I was entirely afraid of retaliation from him, should I at the very least, break up with him. He had/has no limits, just like your guy. First and formost is your duty to yourself and your baby. You are feeling trapped, afraid, etc. every reason to make a break for it.

      He’s pulling out any tool he can to use as ammo…to keep you trapped, and afraid. He’s keeping you teetering for a reason! As simplistic as it might sound, it’s all a game to him. He has to feel all-important. God-like. The best way to achieve that for him, is to control YOU! He knows your fears and plays them like an instrument. You are an instrument to him. A tool. You are also in danger.

      When I finally realized just how dangerous my X truly was, I had to get away. I was afraid of losing my job. Of his lies. Of what he could do, should I fight to get away. When the realization finally hit me, I pulled up my boot-straps and thought to myself, “I have to do this, and deal with whatever lumps come to me…” I had to separate myself, emotionally, from him. First, I stopped sleeping with him. I stopped arguing with him and his ridiculous twisted arguments. My only responses were one or 2 words. This sent him reeling! He couldn’t get me to argue with him anymore. That took away one of the tools he had in place, to keep me off-balance and anxious. I stopped placating him in any way. I spent less and less time with him. soon, I was able to see more clearly. I was able to spot the lies and manipulations. The abuse. If you have to, leave stuff behind. Nothing is irreplaceable, except family photos. If you have them loaded onto a computer, put them on a disk or thumb-drive. You can pick these up at a local wal-mart or other store. You might even know someone who has one lying around that you can have.

      The number 1 thing monsters like this are afraid of, is EXPOSURE! Girlfriend, EXPOSE HIM! But, first make sure you have a plan in place. Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with? Chances are, he won’t expose you for anything from your past. To do so, would expose himself. However, don’t underestimate him. Be prepared for any back-lash. Each step you take toward your freedom will definitely empower you!

      Once you are out and away, drop all contact. Get a legal parenting plan and request supervised visitations. DEFINITELY fight for a restraining order. Your safety and the safety of your baby are what is THE MOST important! You are stronger and braver than you think, and the jerk-off is weaker than he is trying to appear.

      It could take me a few days between responses, and I am sorry about that! I’m here for you!

      1. It sounds good and I really reZlly would and want to end this but I’m weak and feel vulnerable into losing this battle, he’s the kinda guy that watches and stalks me from far, knows every thing bad and good about me and has no problem using that against me, my family supports me but very limited because at the end of the day I have to come home to the monster and my mom believes if I just ignore him he will stop or change !!! And that’s not gonna happen….. He tries turning my family against me and it might work for a minute but then they come to there senses and realize the lies and cruel things he says and my family living in that house for over 30 years and never moving from there puts me never really getting away from him, and I don’t got money to where I could just disappear from him, and legally he always has something on me…. So I have just been dealing and laying low and just waiting for my perfect getaway or time to fight this battle but I just don’t have it in me, I cry almost every day with this pain and torture he puts me through and I try to keep piece for my baby but nothing has changed in these last few months thanks for asking

        1. I just went through 11hrs of mediation with my N soon to be ex. How he is a lead executive of an energy company, I have no idea bc he cannot make personal real life decisions without his mom and sister there to make those decisions for him. He brought them to mediation. The mediator said it was best just to settle there bc he and his family would get up on the stand and lie to try to take my 5mth child away from me. If we went to trial it would have cost 100s of thousands of dollars and at least 3yrs to divorce him. I feel I did not get the justice I deserved, but I did get my freedom from him. Now I am in the process of having tracking devices removed from my car that he put on, etc… He leaves me 2am txts telling me how horrible I am and such, but it really doesn’t bother me. I am completely indifferent to this man and having as little contact with him is the best thing that could ever be for me and my children. He always tried to turn my family against me too, but they just saw him for what he was, especially when I filed for divorce. I just got fed up and decided to end it. Legally, he said he had all of this stuff against me, but I disproved it. So, he went on with other things out of the clear blue. I was in shock bc I had no idea what he was talking about. These people are master manipulators and pathological liars. Don’t be afraid of them, easier said than done, I know, but don’t let the craziness of these people consume you and keep you from the happiness you deserve. That is what they want, so don’t let them win. I know this is not the end of our legal issues, but now I have distance from him, he has nothing on me. I can document everything and when we go back to court it will all be on him and his family. Distance and no contact are key. Yesterday he asked me for our child’s ssn for our final decree. I told him he could get it from his attorney or if he lost it then he could contact my attorney. See, even then I should not have responded. It’s a learning process. Don’t reply to texts or emails unless it concerns the health and safety of your children. Keep all texts and emails and document everything. I have faith that he will give up once he has to make a decision on his own. He won’t know what to do and this causes him to come unglued. It’s hard and financially draining. That is the one thing that sucks the most, but I will get back on my feet and in a couple of years, this will be just a blip on my radar. Stay strong and don’t let these people get to you bc they are not in their right mind. You can’t just walk the line with them, you have to be the line. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

          1. Meredith.. You are doing so good! Indifference really is the key, to get ourselves out of those situations, and be successful in going no-contact. I know the coming days will be difficult for you, but you GOT this 😀 I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as well. I pray the monster goes away entirely. Without coming back at all..

        2. Angel, Meredith’s comment said it all. I couldn’t have given you better advice 🙂 I’m praying for you, too… You WILL make it! They definitely keep the fear-a-coming, don’t they? But what I found when I faced those fears, they ALL became dust at my feet! In other words, he’s full of shit..hot air and nothing more. It’s our fears of “what-if” that are so hard to conquer, fueled by his lies. But remember, they ARE LIARS AND MASTER MANIPULATORS, pining for our most emotional reactions.. whatever they might be about. Keep talking to someone. Know that we are here for you, too.

          I know where you are, inside. It’s conquerable. Just remember that.

          1. Thank you so much for all of the support and prayers they are much needed. The divorce is over and now it’s an entire different rollercoaster ride. My ex lives a double life and it is completely obvious. He thinks he is on a quest from God, so he has that group of friends that he keeps at a comfortable distance, but close enough to where they only think he is the sweetest thing ever. Then he has this dark side that I get to see. He gets all of the perks and accolades of being a proud father. He takes some cheesy pics and then hands our son off to his psychotic mom and sister. He has not abided by anything in our divorce decree orders because he knows I cannot afford to take him to court to have them enforced. He only gave half of his sworn inventory of income, so he just left me thousands of dollars of debt, which includes the birth of our son, which has now gone to collections. I have taken that on myself because when I allowed them to contact him it gave him the right to keep tabs on what was being paid and when and he just refused to pay them anything. So, I don’t want him to have that control or to be able to keep tabs on me. We are still on no contact. I record every pick up and drop off. He wages were ordered to be garnished at the first of the month, but his company is not abiding by that. Now I am looking at court for that. It’s emotionally draining and exhausting and it really keeps me from finding a steady job. I find myself praying that he will somehow by the grace of God be removed from the lives of me and my children. He and his family have gone on a smear campaign against me, so now I’m having to find a completely different career. It’s a real mess, but somehow I know it’s going to be okay. I’m so glad I did not stay married to this man!!! I would have completely lost my identity! Plus, it wouldn’t have been him I would really be dealing with, but his family too and they are all the same. He is their leader bc he gives them money and since he cannot make real life decisions for himself they make them for him. As hard as it is right now, I know I did the right thing. These people have double lives. I have noticed that when first meeting them, people love them, but then run upon their second meeting, so they really only stick together. They only keep the people they can use and manipulate in their lives at a strange distance, so they can say they are good people. Soooo, weird. Anyway, please continue to keep me and my kids in your thoughts and prayers. My oldest is really having a tough time with this bc he doesn’t understand how this man could trick him. So, who knows what is next. I just make sure that my kids are my priority and money really isn’t my main focus bc getting our lives healed and back on track is. I do ask for thoughts and prayers though for these people to just go away and not come back. The effect they have had on my son, finances, life in general has been devastating. He has already warned me about moving on, he let me know he won’t be ok with that. He has also sent me highly inappropriate photos of me coming out of surgery, being heavily sedated saying “i loved you” Let’s note I had no idea these photos were taken and it was during this time when our son was conceived if that puts it in a nutshell. There is no telling where else he has sent those photos and I’m crushed and I can’t afford justice for me or my kids. It’s all on me, but that’s ok bc at least my kids have me to teach them right from wrong. I can’t even imagine how bad it would be if I didn’t divorce him. I’d probably be dead. Anyway, please thoughts and prayers would be much appreciated.

      2. This post is old, but it makes me realize I must take action soon. I’ve stopped engaging with him or taking the bait. Now he’s being super nice (it already seems like I’ve overreacted again). There never was any intimacy, he has withheld that for the past 3 years. He’s going to start trying to elicit sympathy for an imagined illness or have need to “have to” spend an excessive amount of money to try and get a rise out of me. My main problem is he is on the mortgage of my house, not the Deed, but the mortgage. I want him out and every time he says he’s going to leave (in a rage) or I tell him to leave, he winds up acting like nothing is wrong and doesn’t go. He is only there for the extra monetary benefit my income brings him. I’m afraid I’m going to have to sell the house to get him out, which is a shame, because I love the house. i have told him to get a mortgage for it in his name only and I will leave. He doesn’t do it. I would leave, but I am sure he would stop paying and I would end up paying for a house that I don’t live in and trying to afford my own place. Calling the police seems excessive to me and I’m too embarrassed to do it.

    2. hello, Angel… Just checking in with you. It’s been a few months since you stopped in… How are things going for you? Were you able to get away yet? I know its hard, and only just the begining for you, if you are out… Don’t give up on yourself! The coming days will be hard for you. Stay positive, and don’t allow any negative self-talk…. Call your friends. Don’t go this alone. It will get better, I promise! I’m thinking about you…

  8. I am still living this hell…refuses to leave as the house is the last bid for control.There has been no marriage for about a decade , as we all know with the npd they dont want a marriage just a victim to control . Stalking and Random slamming things for manipulation are the favorite outbursts. We have 2 children together , they both cant stand him . My daughter begs on a daily basis for us to leave. How do I pack up and get out unnoticed ? Ive never in my life hated anyone with every fiber of my soul as I do him. I work 53 hours just to be out of the house then sleep in a little room on a couch while he sleeps in a queen size bed with ac. Every family member on my side , every coworker , every friend of mine has been alerted that he is a narrcissistic abuser. Of course his family knows nothing , as the abuse is kept up there is no need to tell them anything , I wont tell them as I dont know what the back lash will be . This is a horrible horrible way to live , I dont wish it on anyone.I just no longer know what to do..how does anyone do this and not feel it is abuse ????? It is a form of domestic violence !!! I am so miserable

    1. Kristen, I’m soo sorry you are in this hell! It’s not easy to go through in any fashion of the word. Is there any way you can leave the house? The most important thing is YOUR safety and the safety of your children. In a case like yours, when it’s pertinent to your survival wthout other options, it’s sometimes prudent to get out when you can, and count your losses. You have taken all the right steps about your situation…alerting everyone around you…

      Do you work outside the home? also, have you alerted your boss about the situation? another one, does your husband work? If not, does he have any regular activities that take him out at regular intervals? You may need to enlist the help of a friend or 3, or even arranging for some movers to come.

      I had an abusive bf before my x-psychopath. I had a boss who also had a rental. She called the house, asked for me to help her clean it because she had renters who wanted to move in asap. It was a normal day to my bf and he didn’t question a thing. It took a few weeks… actually I started putting things into place the prior month, but set on a date to move out while he was at work. I knew I had to be quick about it, so I wasn’t caught. I priced different moving companies, spent long hours cleaning the rental… many late nights… and when it was done, I was ready to go. He left for work one morning, and the movers were there within the hour. I was moved out, and immediately moved into the new rental. I left no note or forwarding address…not even with the post office. I alerted everyone I needed to, about the new address, personally. I also changed phones and phone numbers so he couldn’t contact me on my cell. It went very well! I was scared, but ok. He wasn’t a psychopath. He was just a mean man with very little self control. But, he was still dangerous.

      My point is that you CAN do this! No amount of potential loss is worth your safety! Start by setting small goals of what is needed in order to get out. Set up a separate savings account without his knowledge. Ask a friend to help with this, that you trust to be honest, and ask that person to hold onto any paperwork regarding that account. Determine how much you will have to have…not want…need… and when you will need that money. Start making phone calls and get things set up with a small army to help you, if need be.

      Don’t be afraid sweety! That’s obviously what he wants. it’s what keeps you stuck in this hell. He’s an insecure boob who bullies to compensate, essentially. Ask about staying at a friend’s house or family member’s for a while…

      when you are finally away from that situation, call who ever you need to at any time, to keep you from contacting him. don’t be afraid of getting the police involved. They are your best ally.

      I don’t mean to insinuate that this is easy at all! Its probably the hardest thing you will face in your life! But you are strong and already taking steps to separate yourself from him, emotionally. Take a deep breath. it’ll happen. When you are afraid, is the best time to get things done. Just don’t let it paralyze you into being immobile. Time is of the essence, and you deserve so much better! Your kids deserve to have a happy mom, too.

      I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You aren’t alone! don’t forget that! That’s the most important thing I ever learned…

    2. I apologize. I re read your comment. Its sad that you have to work so much for just a little bit of freedom… I understand it, though. I’ve been there too. With you working such long hours, I suspect you might be able to arrange a day off with your boss supporting you. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system, still. Be grateful that you didn’t allow him to keep you isolated. That is so rare! Wonderful!!! If your boss is willing to give you a day off, it’ll enable you to at least get away. you may need to rebuild, and might have to leave much behind in order to do so… Plan a day when you know he’ll be gone…especially if he allows for a couple of days somehow. Timing is imperative! Just don’t say anything to your husband about any of it. Don’t let him bully you into giving him any information. Sounds like there isn’t much communication other than from him being violent and manipulative. Don’t respond and if you have to, use short quick “yes” and “no” answers. Try not to give him any leverage or ammo, if you can help it. it’s hard to keep from being baited into an argument. i know. Do your best to dissociate from the onslaught while it’s happening. It’ll keep you from responding. Maintain communication with those you trust the most. If any are gossipers, I wouldn’t ask or tell them anything… for your own safety.

      Determine what is necessary that you have to have. If anything is replaceable, painful as it will be, leave it behind…

      A support system is soo very important, in order to get out! They are there for you. don’t feel like you are putting anyone out by asking for help. You don’t have to go it alone. you will need someone to help you… It can be done, and you CAN do it!!!

    3. Kristin, the good news is that it’s possible to get him out of YOUR house, YOUR home. I got mine out a few months ago, and just like yours, he didn’t want to leave, even though life was hell for everyone.Worse , we have a severely disabled son together. Now this is what you do. You’ve got to get sneaky. First of all go to your family doctor and spill your guts – tell everything. Write down the worst stuff so you don’t forget.Now ring Social services and get a meeting with one of them. Again spill your guts and lay it on thick about the child abuse/damage to the child/children and them begging you to get away together.At this point either get their help in getting rid of him – social services will come round make him go and if there is any trouble they call the police. Or, you can get your family round and they can coerce him to leave there and then, or they will call the police because they are worried about the kids. Actually your child/children are the best asset you’ve got.Everyone will do everything they can to protect the welfare of the children.
      Fortunately my brother removed my abusive , narrcisistic ex-husband after a terrible argument with him. Your family too might help you to get rid of him by ganging up on him and telling him “Out now, or else!”

      Alternatively you rent a storage crate and start to put stuff in there, ready to go. Start getting hold of the money too, if there is any.

      1. Heather…Awesome comment!! Thank you for standing and helping her. I’m glad you are fee from your psychpath and moving on your own road to healing. It does get hard from time to time, but you already know how strong you are even if you don’t feel it sometimes. You have a lot to be proud of. Go YOU 🙂

  9. What should I do? I realized I had gotten involved with a narcissist after a only a few months of dating him. I started breaking things off with him bc he just seemed so sweet and sensitive, fragile almost, but I could see the red flags. The lying, the no boundary issues, he would try to save me when I didn’t need saving, then get really mad, he would mimic what I would say, and lie lie lie all of the time. The biggest thing is he would make these huge commitments and then say he never did or just pretend that I was crazy. He would often say, “well, I know I said I would do that, but they will understand that I just can’t.” He took everything as a challenge when he was told no and pushed harder. Anyway, I told him I wanted to see other people and it would not be a good idea for us to be in a relationship and definitely not be intimate. Well, he just refused to accept it and about a month later I found out I was pregnant. We agreed that we would work on things as a couple for the sake of our child, but I did not think it would be good for us to consider marriage until after the baby was born. Well, then he really started being sweet as sugar, watching everything he said. Making huge promises, so I would marry him, but they were all lies. He was just saying what his mom and sisters were telling him he should say. His family is very dysfunctional. They were all abused and not allowed to talk about it and he was the “golden child” after their father died. He took on all of their financial responsibilities, so he is like a God to them. At the time I didn’t know this, it came out later. So, they really put it on me hard about how we just needed to go get married bc it would look so bad to the world if we were not. He even said that we were going to hell if we didn’t get married. Well, then he asked me to compromise he said, “how about we just go get a license. it will not be legal bc we won’t send it in and it won’t be processed through the courts. That way if we decide to get married we can just have a jp sign it and mail it in and it will be done. Easy as that!” So, I compromised and went and got the license. It was not signed by a JP and it was not sent to the courts. However, what he failed to tell me is that he had listed me already on his insurance as his spouse and in the state we live in if you go pick up a marriage license and the woman is pregnant, even if it is not sent in or signed by an official the marriage cannot be disputed bc there is a child involved. So, when I realized that I was legally married a week later and he had put me on his insurance without my knowledge (which just solidified everything) I cut all contact with him. The only contact we had was months later, when we decided to go to counseling to work on getting along. I let him know that I would be filing for divorce and I hoped that we could be get along for the sake of our child and raise him in a positive environment. He agreed. Well, out of the blue he called me up and said he had decided that if I divorced him he was going to kidnap our child and take him, so that I could never see him bc I was evil for not wanting to be married to him. At that point counseling stopped and I didn’t not hear from him for months. I started having some problems at the end of my pregnancy, so I went ahead and filed for divorce and put a restraining order in place, so he could not run off with the baby. He was served with divorce papers and a restraining order 2 weeks after our son was born. Then he said he wanted to meet him. I agreed, but just let him know he could not run off with him. He never showed. Next thing I know he was ordering paternity testing, which I consented to and he was the father. Two months later he wanted to meet our son and we set up visitation via our attorneys. This was suppose to be just him and me and our son. An hour before he let me know that his entire family was on the way. I let him know that was not what we had agreed to for the first visit, so he refused to show up. We are now on a visitation schedule, but he keeps delaying the hearings and mediation. He has accused me of terrible things that are not true. I spent hundreds of dollars on drug testing, which showed that I never have been a drug user bc he began saying if I didn’t want to be married to him then I must be on drugs. Anyway, the list goes on and on with what he has pushed through the courts and it is not at all in is favor. He is ordered to do something by the courts and then he won’t do it, then he will have the next hearing rescheduled the night before bc he will be held in contempt. He has delayed 5 hearings now and 1 mediation. Our son is now 5mths old and we are set to have a second go at mediation this next week. I’m scared he is just going to keep delaying everything, like he has been bc he cannot have his mom and sisters there to make decisions for him. Anyway, this is where we are. He is fighting for visitation of that of a toddler and he just met our son two months ago. Trial is very expensive and since he has dragged it out so long, he will be required to pay for it. So, he has that hearing delayed to. He is just trying to bleed me dry until I cannot afford legal counsel and I cave, but I won’t. Does anyone have any advice? What in the world should I expect when this is over? He isn’t good about paying child support as it is. I think he would walk away and sign over his rights if it wasn’t for his family. Any thoughts? Advice? Help? I would really appreciate it.

    1. I do need to mention. I realized that he had an obsession with young single moms, and that is the only person he will date and was paying all of these women’s bills. The one that really got me was the lady I found out was raped and he said that she was raped bc God had planned it that way, so he could fix her. During my entire pregnancy he tried to turn my family and friends away from me. He and his sister would use his niece to make me feel guilty and manipulate me for my decision. He told everyone I’m crazy, ruined my career. I have another son, who is 7yrs old. He would stalk us at the park and try to get my son to talk me into doing things and promise him things if he would talk me into letting him in the house. He broke into my home and now he is basking in the glory of being this wounded victimized saint. He has broken into my car, taken the air out of my son’s bike tires, so now I have to put out cameras. It’s just awful. I don’t understand how he can be so terrible and have this “Godly” image that he can keep up so well. I really need some advice here. There is not much to be done until I can catch him with security cameras. The courts are just a game to him. Sigh, I’m so overwhelmed. I just don’t know what to do.

      1. Meredith, Thank you for reading my blog.

        My heart aches for you, and what you are going through! What this monster has and is doing, is what so many of them are so famous for! Regardless of him being a Narcissist, though to me he sounds more like a Psychopath, your #1 concern should be your safety as well as that of your children. They are so well known for slyly enlisting the attention of others to his “plight”. They not only manipulate their intended target (you), but those around you as well. It’s unfortunate to US that those we trust the most, ie: friends and family, can be so duped that they too become abusive toward us.

        You feel trapped in this situation, that is certain and understandable. What you have in your arsenal IS your children, as well as your experiences. Even when we don’t seem to have proof of the stalking or abuse, on the outside, we actually do. You have a 7 year old, who you want to protect from the entire situation, I’m sure. Your child has also witnessed the abuse. The best thing you can do is DOCUMENT every instance, and have your older child write what he has personally seen as well. If he isn’t a very good writer yet, you can write what he says. Its a good idea to have a recorder (digital or tape) there as well, to help you write it out. The recording might not be admissible, but the transcripts are. Have the recorder available in court, should the judge want to review it. Put into a journal form, including dates, times and facts, showing each instance.. no matter how inconsequential anything seems. The courts LOVE documentation! I’m glad you had the wherewithal to get a divorce and restraining order. If he is able to contact the court and ask for a continuance, what is stopping you from talking to them as well? Most courts have a victims advocate, who you should have met when you filed for your restraining order, and went to that initial court date. Call that person and tell them everything and then follow their advise. You are not evil and should not continue to let him bully you into thinking you are WRONG!

        I would suggest leaving that area, or at least your home, completely. Definitely DO go “no contact”, regardless of the child. He’s proven himself to be abusive, emotionally, psychologically and physically. Breaking out the windows of your car (I assume the baby and older child witnessed it too) is violent behavior which should not be taken lightly. The courts will understand, and actually pay closer attention when you do go “no contact”. To start, you are welcome to print your comment on this blog to use it, as well. With it, provide approximate dates (to the best of your ability) and enlist others to provide statements as well, to what they have personally seen. Make sure all statements are in affidavit form, so they will be admissible in court. You can download and print these affidavits from the state court website. You have the right to stop all visitations on the ground of abuse. Esp when the abuse has happened to your children! ie: letting the air out of your son’s bike tires… Play hard ball. Use what you have, which is your own experiences, and that of your children. REFUSE VISITATION on the grounds of abuse. Reinstate that restraining order! Definitely follow through with getting those security cameras.

        You are on the right track, though I know its excruciating for you. You are trying to do the right thing, and that is commendable, even though you are putting yourself in jeopardy, doing it. He’s bullying you into doing what he wants.. STOP! Since there are court proceeding, you do need to be there. But since nothing is legally set in stone yet, you have more room to fight. Abuse is never passive and should never be ignored. Submit every detail you can. The courts will not ignore it. Definitely tell them how terrified you are of him!

        You will be in my heart and thoughts over the coming days. Be strong, sweety! don’t go through any of this alone! Have someone with you!

  10. Thank you for your post. I’ve been separated for a year and my narcissistic husband told me he “Will never ever let me go!” I have had a protection order since April 3013. I’m doing everything to divorce him and he brags that he knows how to legally do only what he has to. That we “will” get back together. He was so abusive for so many years that I hate him.
    I have children so he uses them anyway he possibly can. I use the no contact as much as possible unless it pertains to my kids, and even then I try to use my lawyer. My kids don’t want to be with him either.
    My counselor told me that in 34 years he has never seen a situation so distinction due to my narcissistic bipolar husband.
    I’d love any advise on how I can get as far away as possible from him!
    With the protective order, not talking to him I receive cards, letters, flowers which I forward to my lawyer.
    Nothing works! He states. “I’m working on my marriage. Divorce is immoral.”
    He is sick and I need help to get him away from me.

    1. Nantobefree, I’m so sorry you are having to go through this! It sounds like you are doing everything you can from your end, to end the harassment from your ex. The only thing I would recommend doing (and you may have already done this) is, whenever you receive anything from your ex, to call the police and report it! Since he is deliberately violating the protection order, any contact from him at ALL will land him in jail. If they don’t arrest him immediately, call again. Document everything he has done and is doing. Also, if your children are old enough to write down why they are afraid of him, and any instances where they have been abused as well. Check the laws in your state regarding domestic violence. Make sure you have a copy of the protection order with you at all times. Yes, stalking and harassment do fall into this category, especially if it’s causing stress for the children and/or fear. He definitely sounds like a sick, depraved individual! Kudos to you for getting away from him!

      A girl’s blog I follow, deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com, talks about exactly this type of thing. She has kids involved, too. I have never had to deal with that myself, so I can advise you about getting the law involved and how to go ‘no contact’ (which you are doing very well, by the way). She can advise you about the rest, I believe.

      I hope this situation gets better for you, very VERY soon! Hang in there and don’t give UP!

    1. The power the Narcissist or Psychopath has, is only when we ARE helpless. That’s why they fight so hard to create it in us, from the beginning. If they can keep us afraid and feeling helpless, they can have free reign over us. When we begin to take our lives, and in deed, our SELVES back, they loose control! Thank you for reading and commenting, Lindsay 🙂

  11. Wow reading that I can feel your screaming emotion from when you wrote it. Noone should be abused but people shouldn’t say people are psychopaths, cluster B’s etc unless the person is actually diagnosed. It is wrong and mean also. Plenty of people without disorders are abusive and plenty of people with disorders are abused. I have a cluster B disorder and I have been abused. You can choose to ignore me or deny this can be true but it is. It is ignorant to generalise everyone to the point of “them and us” all the time, it helps noone. People don’t all fit into neat little boxes, everyone is different someone can just be a jerk and not have a personality disorder. Everyone has a personality and some personalities suck wether they are disordered or not. lol

    1. Thank you for commenting. I agree that not all abusers fit into neat tidy boxes. However, as you probably know if you have ever been psychologically abused, there is a phase where you do try to make sense of the abuse and abuser. Most of the “cluster-b’s” won’t seek psychological help, without a court order. What’s left are the resounding characteristics, which is all we can see. Statistics say 1:25 people are part of the cluster-b realm, including antisocial personality disorder. Those of us who have been abused also tend to have characteristics that shine brightly like a beacon for those deemed disordered. I’ve met abusive men who have poor impulse control but don’t fall into the category, characteristically, as the psych, narc or what-have-you. The characteristics are all we have to make the determinations with. It helps to place a name to the monster, with the healing process. A rare cluster-b will seek diagnosis or treatment.

  12. Get off and stay off my blog. Please spread the word to the supposed “Dr. Odiagbe Akhibe” that neither he or his “testimonials” are welcome on a support blog, for victims of abuse. That being said, If you are a victim of psychological abuse, please continue…but understand the testimonials are NOT AT ALL WELCOME HERE! I hope I have made myself clear.

  13. Wow I know I am a little late posting, but this article is right in line with what I am going through right now. My N/Soc will not leave me alone no matter how many attempts I try to tell him not to contact me. He moved and I don’t have his current address, only the city, but he constantly emails me even though I have blocked several of his phone numbers and one personal email. His work email I cannot and he knows that. I have saved all of them and his texts. I have to say, like you, I have also responded back to be cordial and thank you for the reminder that it is just encouraging them. Should I try to get a restraining order at this point? I have even contacted one of his family members to tell him. I was thinking that they could have an impact on him, but that is not the case. If you have any advice that would be great!

    1. Hello LMiller 🙂 Thank you for reading and for your comment. I know how frustrating and SCARY it is, when you have tried so hard to rid that vermin from your life, only to have them turn up the torment even more. It’s a fear tactic, and a good one. #1, don’t play the game. It’s fun for him to see you try and ultimately fail, in your attempts to sway him. Family members and friends of his, will only believe what they want to believe, regardless how many times you have tried to get them to believe you. Unfortunately, only those who have seen him for what he is, will know you’re telling the truth even though they will still avoid talking to you. It’s the same for every survivor I have met.

      The best advise I can give you is to trust your gut. You have saved all of his emails and texts. If you have written to him (or talked to him directly), telling him you want no further contact from him, print that also. Remember, even though voice recordings aren’t admissible in court (unless you have disclosed that the phone call is being recorded, of course), you can create a transcript of that recording, which IS admissible in court. I believe you are completely and 100% RIGHT to get a restraining order. Keep in mind, especially if your ex has showed violent tendencies, a restraining order is a piece of paper, allowing your evidence to bring criminal retribution against him, should he violate it. It still does not protect you, physically, if he chooses to break the order. I don’t mean to scare you, but I do want to make you aware of the possibilities. Collect all evidence you have, and go get that order! It will protect you, and make the authorities aware of the gravity of your situation.

      Always trust your gut.

    2. Yes, do contact your phone company (cell carrier if that is what you have), contact your local police, tell them your account of what is going on, do file for a restraining order. Do open a case at your local FBI office, just in case this goes interstate, since it’s the FBI job to track the buggers nationally.

      Also, record your phone calls, as evidence. Document, document, document. Save everything they send you, as disturbing as they might be, it should go into an evidence file.

      Do change your E-Mail address; make multiple E-Mail addresses, that you give each E-Mail to certain people in your life, then you can find out who is leaking information if your ex gets a hold of it and contacts you. Do change your phone number and make it unlisted. Do change your street address, if you can move, don’t frequent the same stores you normally do in an established pattern. You might be under surveillance and not even know it.

      Have your phones checked for bugs or taps if you’re on a landline. Check for viruses / trojans on computers and smartphones. If you need some suggestions, just post a reply.

      Do get a mail stop / post office box and route your mail to that. You’re safer in a post office or UPS store getting your mail.

      Trust me, these evil S.O.B.s will stop at nothing to ruin you, it’s not necessarily out of fun but they consider you theirs, property, if you will, and if you rebel against them, they see you and your soul as a threat to their survival, their very existance. They can and do act violent, sometimes with deadly consequences.

      If you absolutely have to send something to these nuts, make sure you use certified mail with return receipt, this is very important, so you know they’re receiving the mail and can’t say they didn’t receive it. Make sure that if you do this, you have another post office or UPS that you visit, make another box there, explain to them what’s going on and that you want your contents of the box to be redirected back to your original box. So, that if your ex shows up to that box number and loiters, he / she will show up on the security cameras but you won’t be there, your mail will go to your original box without the ex knowing where it’s going. Use misdirection and redirection to your advantage, this is what they employ as defensives, you use it as an offensive move. You’re best defense is your offense.

      I hope this helps you and anyone else reading this reply.

      Please be careful, LMiller6794!

  14. Well, I just am so exhausted from this mess I allowed my life to be in. My Narcissist ex friend he would say BF and my Narcissist ex husband both hate that I have gotten stronger and I now know who and what they are. The ex friend/ BF is refusing again to leave my house.. I guess if anyone is in one of these situations and confused because their partner does so many things for them around the house (but not work a regular job outside of the house, and has two million reasons why they can’t get a job that this is a good sign you are in one of these relationships. You break up with them and they don’t leave. Who doesn’t leave when someone says I DO NOT LOVE YOU??????????????????? I think these types like abuse and pain. So me telling him I do not love him only makes him dig in his heels deeper. We do not think like they do. They have twisted, messed up thinking and can’t ever think about someone else’s best interests. Won’t ever happen. If they are acting concerned about you, that’s exactly what they are doing. ACTING! They have studied us and know exactly which buttons to push and how we react to things. If we suddenly change up it throws them into a frenzy big time. They use guilt a lot because they know we have a conscience and are good people. They lack conscience and really aren’t at all good people period. So they’ll work you. They will think youre thinking they are doing good things for you. And because you can never actually come up with proof of their evil deeds that they have you over a barrel. And they do. Keep a journal. HIDE IT. write every thing down regardless of trivial it might be. You could end up needing to refer back to things later. To file police reports you have to have something happen to report. The fact that your keys came up missing again for the 90th time this month isn’t enough. And that those keys will be somewhere you looked and know that those keys weren’t there. In getting rid of these types of people, I noticed that they set things up for you to constantly need them. They might sabotage things to break when they are gone so you will need to call them to help fix things, or to be eager to let them in the door after they have gone out and run amuck a few weeks leaving you to tend to your life that they know how it works better than you do.

  15. Well, when he made a copy of your key without your supposed knowledge and definitely not your consent. Don’t just tell your landlord, open a case with your local police department and FBI office.

    When they make a copy of your key in this case; that’s a warning sign, a deadly one at that. Next time, if you run into this behavior change the locks, notify all the parties. Get restraining orders on him / her.

    There is one thing I will have to chime in on about not changing yourself because of your uniqueness. This is true up to a point. There was a woman I knew that she would always pick loser guys, because that is what her father was, many of the men she picked out were of the same types talked about in this blog subject. Then she turned her attention to me, I ran like hell, didn’t want to mess with that one.

    Going to see a shrink after you’ve gone through this type of abuse is always a good idea, helps to decompress, find better ways to deal with the stress or PTSD the EX(es) have caused you.

    What I have found is this, perhaps it happens to others too; Attraction is not based on what you think (not logic) but how you feel (your emotion). You attract like energies. Meaning, if your negative about something, something negative will come your way. For example, Narcissists and NPDs ideal victim are meek people or are equally unbalanced but are BPDs. Those two psychology maladies play / feed off of each other. Someone that has a desperate or lonely look and feel to them will attract narcissists, as well as the other baddies. That’s why people have to be mindful of their emotions and how they carry themselves to make it appear that they’re not an easy mark or target, if you will.

    Perhaps this comment will help someone deal or give them an idea on how to protect themselves.

  16. I don’t really know what I am supposed to do. My ex and I have a child together. But he was emotionally abusive when we were in a relationship together, and he demonstrates REPEATEDLY that he doesn’t care about our daughter (she’ll be 1 soon). He just keeps telling me we should get back together. “Don’t you think we should work things out for HER sake?” And so I get along with him. But whenever he suggests we get back together, and I say no, I’m not ready, he threatens to take me to court and try to take my daughter away from me! So… I just don’t know how to handle the situation. I’m scared, and overwhelmed. I don’t even know if I could get a restraining order against him. If I did, could he still try and take my daughter from me? I just don’t know.

    1. Thanks for your comment, Kristi. My situation didn’t involve having a child together, but I will do my best for you, to give you some advice.

      As you already know, the abusers will use any tool they can, including our children, to try to hurt us. Unfortunately, the father has legal rights to that same child. The best tool you have is, believe it or not, a pen and paper. Hopefully you have already enlisted the help of an attorney. If not, definitely do! In the meantime, jot down every time he has been abusive toward you, in any way, especially in front of your baby and be sure to include the date and time of each occurrence. If you are able, record the interaction. Here’s the catch with that… in order to have those recordings admissible in court, he has to be notified prior to being recorded. It can be a typed or handwritten note on the front door of your house, or verbal. There is no law, however, as to how small the note has to be. Only that it be clearly visible. In my case, letting him know he was being recorded, directly, only stifled his regular abusive jargon. He became sweet as pie, instead. I suggest a note in plain view, say, on a 1/4 inch X 1 inch piece of paper, just above his eye level. It’s still in plain view, and isn’t your fault if he isn’t observant enough to see it 🙂 Or, you can record the interaction without his knowledge, and type it out in a transcript. The court will allow that to be entered as evidence. Be sure to bring a copy of the recording for the judge to review, if necessary. Be aware that some laws vary from state to state. Again, talk to your attorney.

      As far as the attorney, he/she is there to protect your rights too, and will help you get a legal parenting plan together. If you are afraid for your life, or your baby’s well-being, he/she will also advise you about getting a restraining order. Be sure to emphasize how afraid of your ex you are. Be prepared to give written examples as to his behavior, which causes you to be afraid for you and the baby.

      The best option is to try to get along for the sake of the baby… BUT in the case of any abuse, the baby will be psychologically and emotionally harmed (yes, even at such a young age) just by witnessing the abuse, and/or seeing mommy hurt. Your number one concern should be your baby, and then yourself. Don’t be concerned with your ex’s emotional well-being. You’re not responsible for how he feels. That’s on him.

      Trying to take a step out of the situation, can be just as hard (if not harder) than living with the abuse, itself. We get stuck in thinking about endless “what-if” scenarios, which seem to spiral out of control. For me, the best thing I did was take a deep breath and take control of the situation. I had control of when and if we talked. Usually, within minutes of talking, he would start his psychological mumbo-jumbo, and I would calmly tell him “it’s time for you to go”, shut the door in his face AND LOCK IT, and walk away. By taking control, it also limited the time I spent talking with him, and gave me more time to gain control of my emotional self, also enabling me to see more clearly.

      I know your situation is very scary for you. It’s also heartbreaking for you, I’m sure. When I was a young mom, I believed that my kids needed a dad, to grow up happy, healthy and secure; regardless of the abusive situations it placed them or me, in. What I later came to realize is, what they needed was stability, love and direction, with or without a father-figure present in the home. That choice is yours, of course. My kids would have been better if I had learned that particular lesson, sooner. Please don’t make the same mistake I did. Wait for someone who is worthy of that role. I had a list I kept in my head, of all the qualities for my “dream guy”. I also thought they were over-the-top and unrealistic. I thought I was unreasonable, and noone could possibly be that “perfect”. As a result I always settled for some of those characteristics, thinking the man was “good enough”. Not a good way to live, let me tell you! Instead, wait for someone to come along, who proves their worth, who isn’t faking those qualities and really is who they say they are. Time, in this case, is your best friend.

      I wish you happiness and peace in the coming days, Kristi! Give that baby lots of smooches, every day 🙂

  17. It has been over a year and my crazy ex still threatens my life. I do get fearful & have taken measures to protect myself & 3 year old son. I stopped our voluntary visits he had with our son 6 months ago due to emotional/verbal abuse of me in front of our son. He was also terrible to deal with. It’s difficult to accept he may not care about our son. He uses not seeing his son against me, yet tonight I asked if he’d like to talk to our son & he hung up on me. He says he will see me take my last breath & that I’m lucky he “has shit” going for him or he would’ve already snapped.
    My dilemma is filing a restraining order. I am fearful that will make it even worse. He thinks so highly of himself & I fear he would take it as a mark on his reputation & blame me & snap. He has only made empty threats for a year now. Should I interpret that as he will not do anything g and he is just doing this to get to me? What should I do?

    1. Hello, Lori 🙂 It’s been a few days since you’ve commented, and I’m sorry it’s taken this long to respond.

      You are doing everything right!! Good for you! I know it’s heart-breaking and scary at the same time. The best thing you CAN do is get a restraining order. It might piss him off more, but you have an edge. He’s threatened your life, which is very obvious. Did you report that to the police? File a report, yourself? These things MUST be on record, for it to benefit you, even in the least. Tell your friends about what is going on, but only those who aren’t mutual friends.

      To answer your question: Empty threats are still threats, whether he follows through or not, and should NEVER be taken lightly. Don’t underestimate him, ever! Here’s the thing to remember, though.. anything he does TO you, is a mark on his reputation, especially when you start calling police and filing reports about his threats and behavior. Chances are, he will back down…or he’ll be more sly about it. Protect yourself, and forget about his emotions regarding the baby. You do what’s best for you, the baby, and your home. Be mamma-bear! Which, by seeing what you wrote, I can tell you already are 😀 !

      Get in touch of a domestic violence advocate. You can get the number from the police, when they come to take your report. Don’t be afraid, but DO be determined! You’re doing great!

  18. I am a male dealing with what I believe my Ex to be a female Narcissist, but by your example feel a little lost and confused. She shows all signs of a narcissist; gas-lighting, verbal abuse, denying events or name calling ever happened, always blaming me for every situation, never accepting any fault, aggressive, has attacked me a few times and has hit and scratched me…
    Now I know that it isn’t stereotypically females in this role, but I feel like I’m crazy with her. After reading this article, I find myself not strong enough to leave, wanting to go back for more after swearing to never get back with her, but then we do, and the situation repeats because I’m never good enough for her. The problem also is that we have a 2.5 year old little girl together, and I can’t just get away from her completely?
    I find myself doing some of the crazy things she talked about in this article myself to get us back together because she is constantly telling me it’s my fault and I’m to blame for everything. The thing is, I know I’m not perfect, and struggle showing emotions and other things, but I’m not a bad person, which she makes me feel like. I can’t tell you the amount of times we would have an argument over something stupid and it would end with her saying “F**K you, you’re a piece of Sh*t” then telling me if I didn’t like what she said I should leave our house, leaving me with no place to go and constantly having to stay at a friends or families place, involving them into our drama.
    I have to admit, I’ve tried some crazy things myself to end our relationship, getting on dating sites, making police reports after she attacked me, and after she would claim I made false reports on her, denying the marks on me or my ripped shirt?! In the end only making me feel crazier, and my only way back into our dysfunctional relationship, that was strictly physical, was by apologizing for filing those reports and saying I lied so she would forgive me.

    I’m at a loss, and even now wonder why I can’t let go completely? Please help me.

    1. Hi Josh. I do understand where you are, in the relationship you have expressed. I’m an outsider, looking into the emotions and situation, and as such can only make suggestions. Don’t be discouraged! Easier said than done, I know. The fact that you are questioning the relationship, your roll in it and the effect she is causing in you, shows me that your gut is (as it has been for a long time) is SCREAMING at you to get away. You are confused. That doesn’t mean you are crazy by any means. It’s what she is creating in you. You say that you show no emotions, outwardly. That might mean you don’t cry in front of people, or could be as drastic as disassociating from the emotional turmoil, and are completely numb, emotionally. That doesn’t shut down the emotions you feel, inside. What happens when you dissociate? It might numb the emotions for a while, but they are still there and will erupt inside of you, when things are quiet enough for you to reflect. To show no emotion, especially with dissociation, is a survival tactic. It’s natural when you have hit “overload”.

      What I see just in reading your comment, is one of the tools she uses against you. One of your endearing qualities, which makes you a good man. You listen, but you are easily guilted into changing. You feel like it’s YOUR responsibility to make her happy. You are afraid of her, to the point that you will place yourself in harms way, just to placate her. She sounds like a beast! You care about doing the right thing for someone in your life, even at your own detriment. That can be reworded as, “I’m not important..” You forget who you are, who you want to be, and where you want to be, years from now. If you haven’t forgotten, it’s been placed by the wayside to benefit her, and cling to some hope that she might change some day. Take my word for it…she won’t…ever. Sometimes its easier to stay in a horrible place, than step out into the unknown, away from it. You also care about your baby. I’m sure she uses that same child against you at every opportunity. Shame on her!

      I don’t have to tell you that she’s dangerous. I don’t have to tell you to get away. You already know these things. You say you aren’t strong enough to leave…but it’s fear that is keeping you trapped. Fear is a slimy little worm 😀 Believe with your entire being, when I say this: You are strong enough! How much are you willing to take before you tackle that unknown variable which includes PEACE in your heart and soul?

      When you are in the middle of everything, it’s hard to separate your heart and psyche enough to see clearly. I suggest separating from her by getting your own place. Any interaction with her, is done at your own place, at your own pace. You control the “end call” button. Let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no. Stand your ground. You call the shots as to any time spent together, and when the conversation is over, with her. Be determined to start recognizing when the attacks are happening, and learn to say “no more” at that exact point in time. This really is as easy as turning your back, and shutting the door behind you. You don’t have to say a word. The time spent away from her, will also help you see more clearly, gain more confidence, and become stronger regarding her abusive behavior. Be aware, though, that during that time, she will throw more ammo against you, she will not stop at anything to try to win. Don’t be afraid, though. You have all the power, here. Remember…She’s more insecure than you could EVER be!

      I’m sure you are keeping a record of every onslaught and every abusive time. DEFINITELY include any of those times that she abused you in front of your child. Include every date and time of occurrence. Stop lying to her, yourself and authorities, about the abuse. What that will do, is make your accounts less credible. When you move into your own place, go directly to the courts and get a parenting plan in place. That doesn’t mean you won’t get to see your child. it is a court document that requires you BOTH to follow it. You will still have to deal with her, while the baby is growing up. but be direct, don’t allow her to pull you into arguments (you know how twisted they get), and still let your yes be yes and no be no.

      When you are ready, taking the records you have kept, you can enlist the help of an attorney to get custody of your child. IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU RECORD EVERY TIME THAT SHE ABUSES YOU IN FRONT OF THE BABY, NOT TO MENTION EACH TIME YOU SEE HER MISTREAT THE BABY. Remember, pictures and recordings are admissible. You can buy a relatively inexpensive camera that is wirelessly connected to your computer, online or at best buy. Make sure you have a notice in plain view that recording equipment is in use, “Smile, you’re on camera” works. There’s no law that says how big the notice has to be. It just has to be in plain view 🙂

      I know this is a book, and I apologize for that.. Start saying this as a mantra to yourself, on a daily basis…let it sink into your soul from this point forward:
      <
      <
      <
      "Your feelings are valid".

      Peace to you!!

  19. I’m having the same problem right now.. u have tried leaving so many times. No matter how I say it, no matter how much u cry abs tell him I don’t want to be with him, no matter how mean and cold I am with him he won’t leave or leave me alone. Noted her even forces me to have sec with him. Even if I say no. He still does it. I tell him I don’t want to and no. But he will accuse me of cheating and start telling me things. I don’t know how to get out off thus situation. It has turned violent aa well. I feel stuck and depressed. Everyday is the same. I want to be saved.

    1. Hi mami.. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. What you have expressed, is the exact reason so many people are stuck in abusive relationships. You are afraid to leave, plain and simple. You are afraid of the ‘what-if’s’, IF you should leave him. You’re gut is screaming at you for a reason and the more you ignore it, the worse your anxiety and depression is going to get.

      But, you know this already.

      He forces you to have sex, won’t leave, etc… even though you tell him to stop. You become cold and mean toward him, and he doesn’t take the hint. He’s enjoying the control he has over you. Another thing they do, which you have also expressed, is they break down whatever boundaries you have, and can make you do anything they say, just because you are so afraid. The problem here, is that they know they CAN. There are no boundaries that you will absolutely enforce, due to the fear you have. You feel like you are weak, and don’t have the ability to enforce anything. You can’t say anything and have him listen to you.

      Ok.. now that I have told you everything you know, already, let’s look at what you can do about it…

      You are the only one who has any say over what happens to you, your body and your life. He can’t have control unless you give it to him. Your life is your world. You are strong enough to protect it and stand up for it, even though you don’t think you can. That doesn’t mean to attack him, head-on. You will have to be very secretive about it, so take great care to keep him out of the loop. He’s alienated you from your support group. What would happen if you get in touch with one person who you trust? Who isn’t a mutual friend of your guy’s? He might have your phone tapped, so think of a place you can go, safely, to make a phone call and pour everything onto your friend. Let them know EVERYTHING. Ask that person for help. You need a plan to escape, and stay safe.

      1) You need to secure a place where you can stay, RIGHT AWAY!! ie: friends, family, women’s shelter, etc. You might want to get ahold of DSHS, or your local equivalent (welfare), as they will have some suggestions for you. Don’t assume that your friends or family are mad at you, just because you “dropped” them out of your life for a while. They are your friends for a reason. They love you and will be happy to hear from you. Trust me on this one. I’ve gone through it, myself.

      2) As soon as you are able, go directly to the police department, and tell them everything. File a report and tell them you are afraid for your life. I know you are and will be scared for a while, but this is your best defense. Go to the courthouse and get an emergency restraining order. Your local police department will help with this, too. You will have to go to court to get one finalized, but the emergency restraining order will protect you, while you are getting everything in place. There is a victim’s advocate, specially trained in domestic violence, who is appointed by the courts to help you. She/he will stand by you and stay with you in court, so you aren’t alone.

      3) CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER!! If you have a cell phone, he might have tracking software on it, so your best bet is to get a new one. straighttalk.com is a good place to look for refurbished phones, that cost next to nothing. Change your email address (especially any google account that is connected to your phone), and when you get into your own place, DO NOT update the address online or by filling out the ‘change of address’ form. Call everyone and update your address directly. Otherwise, online people search engines will make your new address publically accessible. If you have the money, a P.O. box is your best option. You don’t want him to know where you are. They aren’t that expensive, really.

      4) ABOVE ALL…

      ABSOLUTELY DROP ANY AND ALL CONTACT!! At first, you’ll feel like you have done something horrible by leaving him suddenly. You don’t owe the bastard anything! Remember that!! You are not responsible for any of the abuse you have suffered with him, and you are DEFINITELY not responsible for his emotions!! You did NOT make him do ANYTHING! You did NOT cause the abuse, or cause him to hit you, though he tells you to your face, that it’s your fault. Remember from today on… HE IS NOTHING BUT A LIAR!!!! Don’t believe anything that worm says!

      These guys are master manipulators, and even bigger liars. They do NOT care about anyone but themselves.

      You deserve so much better for your life. Where would you be without him, seriously? Happy? Secure? Able to laugh? This is what you really want, and you won’t be able to find it until you are away from the abuse. Be strong, dear one. You are stronger that you know.

      Don’t worry about the things you might lose… just drop everything and run. You can replace most everything. You can’t replace yourself.

      Take a deep breath, and calm your soul to the best of your ability. It’s easy for someone to tell you “don’t be afraid”. I know as well as you do, that’s easier said than done… You’ll be afraid for a while. The trick is to move your feet, and take steps toward a healthier YOU, in spite of any fear. You’ll cry. You’ll shake, and you’ll feel paranoid for a while. Those are just emotions, and by no means have any more control over your life, that what you give it. You are the boss, here. Not your fear… especially if it’s your fear that is keeping you trapped.

      I apologize for the book.. Please get yourself out, and be safe!!

  20. I need help. I can really relate to your postings. I am second guessing myself, ignoring my instincts, and now on to the phase where I am waiting for my boyfriend to realize its over between us. I have never been so confused in my life before. I have had the strength 3 times so far to tell him to leave but each time I crumble apart and he ends up staying. I feel like I’m just not strong enough. Its the worst, most horrible feeling I have every felt. I guess at some level I am emotionally still clinging to him. I live with my boyfriend, his son and my daughter. Its not just my life that is affected when I ask him to leave. I own the home where we live. He does not contribute to the expenses and instead spends money on building up his farm business. He is very selfish and works all the time, very hard. I admire his work ethic but he has no desire to spend any quality time with me. Instead he feels unproductive like time spent with me is wasted. I have tried for three long years to make things work. I am now so far beyond … I just don’t even feel like myself anymore. I feel many of the things you talk about. Nothing I ever do is ever good enough. The hateful things my boyfriend says to me sometimes echo in my mind over and over again. I’ve put on weight. I feel depressed and consumed by my emotions all the time. Sometimes my boyfriend can be loving but most of the time I am ignored, felt to feel unimportant, used, and silly. The things that come out of his mouth are often so hurtful. I try to tell myself that he is just angry or upset and can’t control himself but it still doesn’t change the way his words hurt. My boyfriend is so selfish he only thinks of himself most of the time. I’ve tried to pull away emotionally, not speaking to him unless needed, letting him live his life. I’m now at the stage where I’m hoping he realizes for himself that we just don’t work together. I read your post above … its probably very stupid of me to take this position. He’ll just keep using me. I don’t know what to do. My mother and friends think I need to get rid of him. His son is just like him and is also abusive and disrespectful towards me. Can you provide any words of wisdom to give me strength? Thank you, Becky

    1. Good morning, Becky 🙂

      I know the feelings that you have expressed, all too well. I know the “what-if” scenarios that plague you every time you try to break things off with him. I know how those same scenarios tend to cause you to be frozen in step, causing you to feel stuck. I totally get it. What a terrible place to be!

      The turmoil you are experiencing within you, is literally caused by putting yourself second to the abuse. You are treating yourself as if you are worth less than the man who is abusing you. Your gut is telling you what you need to do, but you are ignoring it because you are afraid of what ‘might’ happen if you follow through. The more you push the prodding of your heart to the side, the more painful and uncomfortable it will become. I don’t mean to sound condescending or anything of the sort. What I am telling you is exactly what I have learned in the 4 years since I got away. I do understand that our situations aren’t the same, in that I didn’t live with the man, though he tried very hard to get me under his roof, to stay. I understand how much more difficult that must be, for you to break free from.

      The fear is in that first step. You have to be worth more than that. You have GOT to find your fight or flight (which is what you are experiencing, by the way) response. You absolutely have to call it what it is…from the abuse, to the confusion and echoing of his voice in your thoughts (taking absolute residence, right now…consuming your thoughts), to the fear you feel when you think about the absolutes of everything like leaving or making him leave. What-if’s are debilitating in this situation.

      I’m going to suggest something for you to try, and what I am hoping is that it will build your self worth to the point that you don’t need him anymore. There is a trauma bond that forms within the fear. The trick is to break it. I’m hoping it will teach you to succeed in anything you choose to do, in the face of any fear. Sounds scary, right? I have been where you are and know the fears that walk with you, with every step you take. Ready??

      Think of something you are good at… and I know the first though you probably had was, “I’m not good at anything…”. Sewing, singing, writing, walking, running, it doesn’t have to be anything huge, it just has to be something that will challenge you. Is there a promotion or position you want, at work? Or another place all together? Chances are, there is something you have a desire to achieve, but don’t think you are good enough to succeed in. Just now, your thoughts probably drifted to that one particular thing. Whatever it is, write it down. Write why you want it. Write what life might be like, if you succeed in that. (do not allow your thoughts to drift to what your boyfriend might say or do, in response. Do NOT talk to him about it at ALL, because you know he will discourage you and shoot down your dreams, or tear you apart in one way or another. He doesn’t belong in your personal dreams.) Now, whatever that dream might be, go try for it. You might be afraid of being embarrassed, or even failing. What happens when you let those fears keep you from trying to get what you want? You remain frozen in step. Nothing changes. Nothing. What I want you to do, is try anyway. Begin to live your life as though he isn’t in it.

      When I started trying for whatever I though I wasn’t good enough to achieve, do you know what I discovered? The fears I had were bigger than real life. It wasn’t so bad after all. I started succeeding in areas I was afraid to try for. Once you take that first step, don’t stop. See it through. Whether you succeed in realizing your dreams, or you discover that it isn’t the right time for it, but try AGAIN…what you will find, is those fears aren’t such big bugs. They are just loud. Not big. Definitely not bigger than you, dear-one. Once your confidence starts growing, you will find it easier to drop the ass-hole. Of course, the best thing you can do for yourself, is to get him out right now… but I also know how he’s ripped you apart, and minimized your dreams. Mine actually tried to cause my dreams (singing was mine), to appear as something dirty or awful. Your guy doesn’t belong in your dreams.. That is yours, and yours alone.

      Something I want to leave you with, is four little words. I hope they will be as powerful for you as they were (and are, still) for me…

      Your feelings are valid.

      You matter, and your emotions matter. You are more important than you believe.

      Please keep in touch, and let me know how it’s going 😀

      You aren’t alone, anymore.

  21. It’s an interesting article however, I would like to address the title of the article.
    “When a psychopath, narcissist, cluster-b, ASPD won’t leave..”

    Technically, if you reworded the title to, “When an individual with ASPD, BPD, HPD or NPD won’t leave you alone…”, that would yield better search ranking in the search engines and directories. With the meta tags of; historonics, borderlines, narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths and ASPD.

    Cluster B, has the following personality disorders; NPD, BPD, HPD and ASPD.

    ASPD have sub-categories; Indeterminant (or plain ASPD by itself), Sociopath and Psychopath (rarely used by the clinical community, thought to mean the same thing as a Sociopath but in reality, they’re much different but just as bad).

    All Cluster B personality types have sharpened ability to pick just the right subject to annoy or hurt you with, it’s not just ASPD or NPD.

    Another thing about NPD clinically diagnosed individuals, many are misdiagnosed and should be clinically diagnosed as ASPD.

    The real difference is the NPD clinically diagnosed individuals do it to prop themselves up and look good in other people’s eyes or to be well thought of, it’s purely ego based. They don’t care about your feelings for as long as your feelings of love and admiration is towards them. As your sole existance is to praise them, to exult them with monetary based splendor.

    The ASPD doesn’t just do it for the ego boost but enjoys hurting you, the more pain that is inflicted, the more they enjoy what they do to you. ASPD doesn’t care about your feelings at all, they will manipulate you over and over again. Even tell you they love you, to extract every little thing they want out of you. As your sole existance is to serve them, you are their property, anything you own is also theirs.

    Note:

    There is no reason why you should be cordial to a Cluster B individual, as they see this as an invitation to f*** you up. Be just as cold and indifferent; don’t get into arguments with them, that’s what they want. If you feel that the person won’t leave, you need to contact the local authorities and open cases with local police, sheriff of your country, state police and the FBI. They all need the case numbers from each department you work with, that way if something happens, everyone is on the same page. You can have someone removed from your premises, taken in for psychiatric evaluation and observation. Just be aware that if they don’t find psychological or psychiatric illness, you’ll be next to be brought in and checked.

    Be sure to give all the documentation to all the authorities that supports your case that said person is dangerous to you, themselves and the rest of society. If it checks out, you not only have grounds for a restraining order but the person might have their records state that they’re psychologically / psychiatrically impaired and have the authorities monitor said individual when released.

    On another note:

    All NPD are never psychopathic.

    All ASPD / Sociopath / Psychopaths are narcissistic.

    If someone states that a narcissist is psychopathic, that would be clinically incorrect, then that narcissist / NPD is actually ASPD in disguise. Psychoanalysis is based on observation and evaluation of said individuals at a given time, personality disorders aren’t static, a person can be more or less disordered during the time of testing, this can lead to misdiagnosis or no such diagnosis being handed down.

    People really need to understand the difference between a predator and an opportunist. People that are diagnosed with ASPD will see you as a challenge waiting to be conquered. While individuals with the other three personality disorders are opportunists. Meaning what can they get from said person at said time. The one difference is that the NPD see a person that has a higher status than them as a threat, they will stop at nothing to get you status dropped and to extract narcissistic supply from you.

    Opportunists are conditioned by what happens in their life and can be helped by by properly trained clinical staff.

    Predators are naturally this way, more than likely a brain injury or neurological disorder became a personality disorder later on in life. Dealing with ASPD, is a hit and mostly miss situation when it comes to psychological and medical help.

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