I called this blog, “My journey of healing…”. As it stands, I wanted to make it a public account of everything I would go through in each passing day. This entry is no different.
Call it “spewing”, “ranting”, or what-have-you. All I know is today is a bad one… This will be, essentially, verbal vomit.
I went out with some co-workers last night. I don’t think I was ready for that. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun with them, but the after effects have been debilitating. I only hope that this is only for just this one day. I don’t want to see the progress I’ve made, be dampened by just a small attempt to get out for a few hours.
Why would I say, “debilitating”? Because I’m rendered back to the state I was, when I was initially free from my Psychopathic monster. Not completely, I don’t think. I haven’t been reduced to the panic-stricken mush I was, then. However, I did realize how “not right” I am, still.
My emotions and thoughts are back to the scrambled egg mess they were in the beginning. I feel so friggen dis-jointed from the rest of the world, that when I try to assimilate myself back into society, I feel exposed. I feel like a fish out of water. I don’t know how to act, what to say or anything, to the point that I believe I was exposed as a weird duck. A “crazy” person. At least that’s how I feel.
I want to crawl into a hole, and bury myself deep inside.
Before my relationship, I was an awkward type of person, but happy being me. Now?
I’m entirely fucked up.
I don’t make enough to go to counseling…even if they accept payment on a scale of income.
I’m a caring person. I used to be intelligent, though these days my thoughts and emotions are on a whirl-wind so often that I can’t keep a thought straight or make sense when I speak. I’m grateful for this blog. If I was to talk to any one of you in person, you would wonder…
Thanks for letting me vent. Wish I could say I feel better for it. something MORE has to change.