Healing involves some bad days, unfortunately

I called this blog, “My journey of healing…”. As it stands, I wanted to make it a public account of everything I would go through in each passing day. This entry is no different.

Call it “spewing”, “ranting”, or what-have-you. All I know is today is a bad one… This will be, essentially, verbal vomit.

I went out with some co-workers last night. I don’t think I was ready for that. Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun with them, but the after effects have been debilitating. I only hope that this is only for just this one day. I don’t want to see the progress I’ve made, be dampened by just a small attempt to get out for a few hours.

Why would I say, “debilitating”? Because I’m rendered back to the state I was, when I was initially free from my Psychopathic monster. Not completely, I don’t think. I haven’t been reduced to the panic-stricken mush I was, then. However, I did realize how “not right” I am, still.

My emotions and thoughts are back to the scrambled egg mess they were in the beginning. I feel so friggen dis-jointed from the rest of the world, that when I try to assimilate myself back into society, I feel exposed. I feel like a fish out of water. I don’t know how to act, what to say or anything, to the point that I believe I was exposed as a weird duck. A “crazy” person. At least that’s how I feel.

I want to crawl into a hole, and bury myself deep inside.

Before my relationship, I was an awkward type of person, but happy being me. Now?

I’m entirely fucked up.

I don’t make enough to go to counseling…even if they accept payment on a scale of income.

I’m a caring person. I used to be intelligent, though these days my thoughts and emotions are on a whirl-wind so often that I can’t keep a thought straight or make sense when I speak. I’m grateful for this blog. If I was to talk to any one of you in person, you would wonder…

Thanks for letting me vent. Wish I could say I feel better for it. something MORE has to change.



15 thoughts on “Healing involves some bad days, unfortunately

  1. You are still a caring person. You are intelligent. Just so you know, I created “outings” to help me learn to be normal with people. My trips to L.A. were my “what would I be like if I weren’t in the insanity all the time.” It was awkward at first. I didn’t think my friends in L.A. would ever want me to come back because I was so “out of sync.” But they did ask me back, and gradually, as in yearly visits, I became more comfortable with myself with them. It’s just practice. You’re making progress, even if you don’t feel like it. I haven’t had a sanity vacation ever since I lost my bread-and-butter job, almost two years ago now. I’m feeling it.

    1. I’m entirely afraid of ‘outings’. I do force myself to go and do on occasion, but in the end I’m left like I’ve been today. Thank you for the suggestion. I really need to find a way to practice a bit more. For you, don’t cheat, punish, or take yourself for granted. Allow for those outings as you have in the past. I’ll keep trying. I don’t like what I face at the end, but I have to keep trying.

  2. What exactly happened while you were out? What triggered you? I don’t think you are back to where you were but you went back to that place for some reason. Many of us suffer from PTSD but don’t know it until we are in public situations. It happened to me several months ago. I think it happened to you last night.

    1. I’ll give you a hint…I was out with co-workers in a bar. My entire relationship was centered around him controling me in regards to my co-workers, and everyone around me. It’s hard to view that situation in a constructive way. I still feel exposed and on the chopping block. That’s where he liked to keep me. Though the actual scenarios are over (what he would do), I still remember and fear them. I’m afraid of being vulnerable and open with my co-workers. Couple that with one co-worker making advances, and in the end you have an entirely traumatized individual (me). More than I could handle.

  3. We would WONDER?? 🙂
    Yeah, I DO wonder…..Where have you been my WHOLE LIFE????
    Love to you and what little strength I have, I am tossing your way!
    (If you read my comment to your Blog entry PREvious to this, you will GET IT!!)
    We are NOT damaged goods.
    Always SO much easier to say (and 100% damn well MEAN!) than breathing those AWEsome words of WISdom!

    Don’t let a HARD night….
    Make you feel that you have a BAD life!

  4. Hey, I like scrambled eggs. And you.

    I’m an introvert — that’s partly defined as what takes energy from you socially vs gives you energy. Extroverts gain psychic energy from socializing, introverts lose it. I’m exhausted after spending more than an hour with a group of people. I need time to recharge my batteries. I truly believe much of why this is for me is because being on guard with people, trying to gauge their moods just wears me out.

    On the other hand, I sometimes find people who do charge my batteries. I hold them close because I don’t find many of them. It’s about trust, I think. Or a certain connection. I’m not sure.

    1. though I’m afraid of people in social settings, I find that i still need them around me day to day. Left entirely alone, i don’t do real well. Too much time to think. I value the jack-ass customers I get on a regular basis. They keep my blood flowing.

  5. weareonebyruth

    One step forward two steps back is the starting of a Cha-Cha. Everyone has bad days. Every survivor has a field of land mines with more to be triggered in groups then any other place. It is OK and may have gone better than you think. You are more aware of you inner turmoil then any one else. If I met you in person, I would feel deepest sympathy that you understand so much of what I feel. Hugs. Hope you feel better tomorrow.

    1. Ruth, I’m glad you’re here. Thank you for the fact that you understand. Know that if I could, I would remove all of your experiences for you. I can’t stand anyone I care about to be in pain. Especially this type.

  6. To all of you: Thank you for your encouragement and kindness. I REALLY don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t met you. I hate the fact that you all understand, and in that are going through the same thing I am. It’s not right, nor is it fair for ANY of us. As much as I hate that we share this, I value your friendships more than you know. You all are a definite strength to me.

    Group Hugs!!

  7. I have all the same experience as you guys, it was really touching on all different levels, cause once you go through a sociopath relationship, you start to turn into levels Ive noticed. I have a level of pretending to enjoy life, I have a level of social anxiety, a level of pain tolerance, and now a new level of personality that i have now lost.
    I dated a sociopath for a couple years, super controlling, manipulative, and CRAZY
    ! I even moved over an hour away with my mum, she knew how crazy he was.We chose to live in a condo on the third story, unlisted even, thinking he would never find me. ya he found he even got into the building by manipulating another tenant.

    How unfortunate that i didn’t get the help i needed sooner in life,
    I was 16 when we met, I’m also from a great family.
    I left him when i was 18, but he slowly crept back into my life, you d think i would have seen all the red flags, but young i guess, he called me all day long, if i was busy my phone would say 76 missed calls in an hour. and cause i didn’t answer, you know.

    I was free but only for a short time.his next step was to get me pregnant, hes not embarrassed, he even told me how he did it and planned it around my period, CRAZY,

    My life has been tortured ever since, The games, the e mails, the phone calls,I ve got some of it under control now, but worst of all the COURT battles, he has filed over 40 applications in court to continue the harassment and abuse, and you d think the court house would do something but, No.
    My lawyer says they don’t have a law set up to protect woman like me from litigation abuse, wow. my son is ten, and its worked out that i have gone to court every other month for ten years!

    Some one save me! please!

    I even have two more trials booked for february, it never ends.

    Thats my venting for today


    1. Hi Cassie! Thank you for your comment! I have been without the internet for quite a while and am only just getting caught up! Whew!!

      Litigation abuse is, sadly, one way our abusers know they can use against us. It keeps the anxiety alive in us and turns into a game to them. It’s always been a game. Deliberate donkey is a blog I follow. When is going through the same battles with her ex husband as you. Unfortunately her ex husband succeeded in gaining custody of her children. You might be able to relate to much of her story. I’ll look up her URL and post it for you in a minute. You are strong sweety! And definitely not alone!

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