Today has been a full day of learning for me. I haven’t accomplished but one thing that I set out to do…find my kitchen 🙂
In the early days my time was spent trying to make sense of the nonsense I was plagued with after leaving my monster. You all know this particular step: Make sense of who he is. Make sense of what is left of you. Make sense of the garbage in your mind and separate lies from what you know is true. The biggest of all of these is trying to get my mind and psyche to mesh with FACTS! I KNOW what happened, is exactly that. It HAPPENED! I had such a hard time just accepting that particular fact. I will be honest, I still battle that one, though it’s less of an issue. I trust my memories. I know what he caused, what he stole, and what he tried to do. No one, regardless of their views of him as a “person” (barf), can tell me otherwise…I LIVED IT! I’m just grateful that I never moved in with him and that it was a comparatively short stretch. It was just horrendously damaging. I’ve said it before and I’ll continue to say it, “He was good at his game”. He was good at his, but I’m getting better in spite of it all.
I don’t have to tell you, as you can see it from some of my posts. There have been some hard days, yes, but the fear is mostly gone, now. I am not nearly afraid of him or the damage he could do. I’m constantly aware of his potential that I never did see. I do understand that he is dangerous. I also understand that he’s the insecure little boy, manipulating everyone around him because he knows…deep down…he’s absolutely unlovable. The twist is he doesn’t care. All he cares about is how to build a better mousetrap. I suppose I have to retrain myself in my day-to-day life, to continue to reaffirm who I AM as a person. To eradicate his manipulations and hand in my actions and reactions. I’ve come to gain understanding in my mind. Now, to put this all into practice, outwardly. The beginning to this is in the first step.
How long has it been since he’s been out of my life? Since I was able to win my freedom?? Fifteen months. A year and 3 mos. I wonder how long this is going to take? Since there’s more involved than healing from a “bad” relationship, such as rebuilding myself, killing off areas that cause me to be attractive to predators, getting rid of areas I really didn’t like anyway, etc it’s going to take quite some time, I think. There’s no time limit, nor am I stuck to a rigid calendar. I’m recreating who I am, and beginning to become who I want to be. It’s a blessing that I have such a bad attitude toward men in general. I can NOT succeed if I’m continuously dealing with someone else’s insecurities or what-have-you.
There are some definite steps that need to be taken. In fact, I can probably outline them as goals. Maybe I can do that here? Bear with me…
- As I said in my earlier entry today…Recognizing needed boundaries and setting them in stone. Without this as the beginning, the rest cannot happen. This is the building block…the corner stone to a bigger accomplishment as a whole.
- Retrain my reactions into that which I want, instead of what That BASTARD conditioned in me. This falls back onto boundaries. I will not be “bound” by silence. I will be proud at the end of all of this, and claim it beginning today. No more second-guessing.
- Remember my dreams. Success or fail…I have to work to see them through. This falls back on the previous 2. I can’t push to see dreams come to fruition without confidence in my step. I can’t have confidence unless I can trust myself to be my greatest advocate.
- Be a strength for others throughout this process, as they bring strength to ME!
I refuse to be held prisoner for the rest of my life. Remember the “shit-kicker” scenario? well, I’m pulling up my boot-straps and trudging through….