The “crazys”

Every day I’m noticing some things I like and others I don’t like, happening in this “healing” adventure.

An update…

I’ve noticed that I’m most like the old me when I’m at work! No kidding! That’s most definitely ironic, since I was least like myself there, in the beginning. Here’s why, I think…

I don’t have any real close relationships with anyone there. I like some, but aren’t close to anyone. Some people, however, we’ve developed a playful relationship which creates even more of a fun atmosphere. One co-worker in particular likes to mess with me at every opportunity. He’ll playfully wave from across the room, yelling (in front of customers, too) “HI!!” lol! I respond in kind. It’s nice. The manager that I was so fearful of when he joined our team has become someone who I really enjoy working with. The girls are confiding in me about life issues, and really seem to be ok with me.

I joke with the customers, who sometimes take the “jokes” a little too far. I can handle the ones that are a bit “over the top”. When the transaction ends, they leave. “Whew!” I enjoy working with the customers I don’t know. I can hide behind the counter, and I think that’s become a sort of “safety” barrier for me. The walls of the building are a safety net, though I do remember the monster who can walk in at any time.

Away from work, however, I’m still disjointed. I worry that I sound crazy to whom I’m around. I try on occasion to get out of my house and have fun, but I act and sound like I’ve lost it. I don’t know if anyone has picked up on that when they are around me during those times. I feel it. It’s almost painful. I do know I’m uncomfortable. When I feel like that, it’s like something takes over and some things that pour out of my mouth sound strange even to me. I don’t know how to describe this to you.

I’ve always been an awkward person. I’ve always been a little unsure of myself when around others, but it’s become accentuated since my experience with the Monster. Now, I’m completely disjointed. I’ve always felt like I didn’t completely ‘fit it’ anywhere, but was okay around others. I always had a ball when my friends and I would go sing karaoke, or what-have-you. Now, I REALLY don’t feel like I fit in. I still have a wall of protection around me, and I think when I’m in a potentially precarious situation, it makes things much worse. I still feel like I have to shield myself. But, from what?

My X hasn’t been around (other than the occasional time at work) since the last court date. He’s left me alone (directly), though I know that the Psychopath will never be completely gone. They never completely stop their shit. He’s just doing it on the side-lines where no one can see. I’m positive the internet searches are still going on. He’s still blocked in every area I can possibly block him.

I’m still dealing with some things that are a direct result of his conditioning. His brainwashing. I’ve turned into at least part of what he wanted me to be. I won’t pretend to understand anything that he did or even what his desired end was. That will always be a mystery to me. If I were to ask him, he’d lie to me anyway. He’d throw out the normal gaslighting and manipulative shit he always did, in answer to my question. Nope, won’t go there.

Again, what am I shielding myself from? This is in regards to going out in public or spending one on one time with someone I used to be close to. I’ve always been a little shy, but when I was with my friends, I overcame that pretty easily. Within reason 🙂

If anyone is curious…this is me, doing the ‘introspection/extrospection’ thing I’m a slave to. This is how I figure things out… Keep reading 🙂

Lets take a step back. What is one common denominator in this? CLOSENESS! I think when I’m out in a normal social situation, I unconsciously (or somewhat consciously) realize I’m potentially in the direct line of “fire”. I’m exposed. I’ve become one that feels safest in a completely controlled environment. It can’t be completely controlled unless I’m in control. When I’m at work, I’m not in control so much, but it IS a controlled environment. When out in a social setting, I’m anxious. It creates the “crazys” in me, when I’m around others. It’s embarrassing and excruciating. I would rather be home, where I’m safe and call all the shots.

What has lessened my anxiety at work? The fact that I HAD to be there. I REFUSED to quit my job or stop anything there because of my X. I had to be there to further my place in the company. I didn’t want him to gain anything by my quitting so I stayed. It created a forced practice scenario. I had to be there when my anxiety was on overload. I had to be there when I was having my panic-attacks. I had to be there for a paycheck. It’s taken a full year, but I feel almost at home with my co-workers. It’s a strange area to be blessed, but I am non-the-less.

My friend suggested that I see my doctor and ask for antidepressants. I refuse. I’m not “depressed”, I’m just struggling in areas. I’m as contented as I can be at this point in time. I’m just struggling in some areas that will be better in time. That is, only IF I don’t allow myself to stay stuck. If I don’t challenge myself and my anxiety around others, this will become ingrained in me for the rest of my life. I’m aware of that, too.

I think it just takes practice.

Think I’ll call my friends and plan on a girls night out. I miss them. I’ll have to give them expressed instructions to forcefully drag my ass out, since the closer the night comes, the more likely I’ll back out.

 

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2 thoughts on “The “crazys”

  1. Something else to add to the pot: Work has automatic boundaries you don’t have to establish. You mentioned it yourself: You’re behind a counter. It’s there without any work on your part. You didn’t have to decide if it was too much or too little. It’s there; you work with it. When you’re not at work, you have to establish every single boundary and decide with whom to expand or contract your boundaries. I’m much more myself online than anywhere else because there are automatic boundaries I don’t have to establish; they’re already there. In the work place, you know pretty much what to expect, even up to and including understanding monsters still show up. However, you have the awareness that should monsters show up, you have back up to protect you, other workers, work rules, etc. I think I hate that the most: My NM taught me to doubt myself, taught me I wasn’t capable, taught me no one would accept me, taught me I couldn’t trust myself : the person I must trust the most because I cannot escape myself.

    1. Excellent point! I hadn’t thought of it like that. It’s easy deciding where the boundaries should be, what you want and so on. It’s HARD to establish those boundaries when you just want to run the other way. At work, its automatic. I don’t have to worry about speaking up and demanding boundaries be adhered to. They just “are”. I have to be able to trust that I’m strong enough to handle things on my own. Demanding that others respect my boundaries, saying something when I need to and so on. I’m also most myself online. Automatic boundaries…no need to work to establish them…

      Hmmmmm…

      By Joe, I think she’s on to something here! Thanks Judy!! I think you have just stumbled onto the actual issue. One I couldn’t see.

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