The steps needed to recover from pathological abusers..

Within the past few days I have been blessed with ground shaking epiphanies, which I most desperately needed! I have received a new direction, instead of the stagnation that I was plagued with for a while. I was in a mental and emotional tail-spin, trying to figure SOMETHING out. That plateau or stagnation caused me to re-hash everything I had been through during my relationship with a pathologically twisted, psychological abuser…a psychopath. I was searching for a new direction, as I had conquered (for the most part) the first, most obvious one: silencing his voice in my own mind. I couldn’t stand the thought that “that was it” and “I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life”. I couldn’t stand the thought that there was nothing more I could do, to become “normal” again. I’m exceedingly grateful!

I woke up thinking about the place I was when I started this journey, which brought my thoughts to those people who might be in that place RIGHT NOW! What if they found this current direction (destroying the psychopath’s roots within me, and replacing ALL roots with better seeds) while reading my blog, thinking that THIS is what they need to do immediately. I believe this would be detrimental to their own healing process. I believe EVERY phase and beginning step is absolutely NECESSARY! So…this entry is for them.

This current direction I’m in is much needed, but I believe I wouldn’t be able to take this next step without growing stronger, in the beginning. I needed to find strength for the next phase of this journey of healing. The first goal was the stepping stone, but I had to fight to be strong enough to succeed in it. You see, every step, every struggle, every phase you go through is ALL YOU! You have to initiate EACH AND EVERY STEP, in order to get past what you have been through, to become whole again.

It would be like starting a book in the middle. You might get the gist of the story line, but you miss the most important parts. The beginning is what is needed to bring a full understanding of the rest of the story. The beginning ties into the ending. Without it, end result isn’t as good. Ok, I’m not making much sense here, but I hope you get the picture.

If you are battling horrifying depression to the point that you feel suicidal, you might need to enlist the assistance of a Dr, and get on an antidepressant to help. It isn’t a ‘failure’ to do this, nor does it mean that you have to stay on the antidepressants forever.

The beginning of your processing, is absolutely EXCRUCIATING, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Your abuser more than likely succeeded in isolating you from your support network, friends and family. The first thing you need to do is get back in touch with them! They will be such a strength for you! We all have those in our family or network who discount our traumatic experiences. If they, in any way, minimize what you have been through, or tell you “There’s always 2 sides…”, AVOID THEM RIGHT NOW! That doesn’t mean you drop them entirely (unless you want to) though, to pick up that friendship later, it’s just that kind of thinking and input that could drive you over the edge. You need support, not criticism. You are in a very tender place right now.

You are probably confused and in a tail-spin, right now, trying to make sense of everything you’ve just been through. Let it happen, but fight to keep from habitually ruminating. You will in the early days, and it’s necessary to get to the point of somewhat of an understanding. The whole point of the early days is getting his or her GARBAGE OUT! I had panic attacks for the first few weeks. You might too. CALL YOUR CLOSEST FRIEND during the hardest parts. She/he will be the one to give you the strength to make it.

I’ve been in this process for a little over a year, now. I’m only just getting to the place that I can tackle the bigger issues, which caused EVERY abusive situation I’ve ever been in, as well as battling the conditioning from my psychopathic X. I wouldn’t be able to do this without going through all of the hell of the early days of healing. I don’t think I could have, if I had the wherewithal to try.

Start at the beginning. There’s no hurry, and it’s necessary that you go through each step and phase. Allow yourself to process and feel, but learn to recognize which thoughts are HIS or hers, and replace them with what ever is good, noble, true and POSITIVE. This is crucial to moving past this phase.

Do NOT jump into another relationship right now! Take time to heal and find who you are. A new relationship might feel right or good right now, but it won’t remove any effects from your abuse. Covered, the effects will grow exponentially!

Thank you for stopping by. I do hope this entry has helped with that overwhelming feeling you might have. Looking at the vast expanse that IS healing, can seem overwhelming. Just remember this, which has become my mantra…

One step at a time, one day at a time…breathe in, breathe out.

You will become stronger in the coming days. Relish in those days that you get to see YOU poking through! Be proud! You have looked into the eyes of PURE EVIL and survived! Nothing is near as bad as what you are now FREE FROM!

I wish you peace in your heart, each and every day as you start your journey. The end of the journey is a beautiful place!! We are walking through this together…


2 thoughts on “The steps needed to recover from pathological abusers..

  1. I had a somewhat similar relationship in my past; a marriage long since over. It was the most toxic relationship I’ve ever known and in the process I felt I had lost everything that ever mattered to me. The physical and mental abuse at the time did a lot of damage to me. I found myself living life in almost constant fear. Getting out of it, getting away from him, and beginning to heal was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. So I can related to much of what you talk about here.

    That being said, I have learned that is only ONE way to heal. It’s coming to the realization that everyone’s reality is created and sustained by the thoughts they carry. I had to learn that I wasn’t a victim. In some senses, yes I was, but ultimately once that person is no longer physically in your life the pattern of abuse continues in the form of self abuse. I know well, when someone is in the throes of the pain and confusion of the situation or after you’ve left it, that the natural reaction is to deny it. But, this is a pattern we’ve learned in this type of relationship. We don’t know any other way of being, so we begin self destructive thoughts. Rage, anger, blame, depression and victim-mentality are all forms. The healing starts and ends with us when we take our own thoughts back.

    I was suicidal directly after it ended. I was on watch and on anti anxiety meds for awhile. It’s not an easy thing to admit but at the time I was in such emotional extremis I couldn’t cope without them. But after some months passed, and with the help of a wonderful counselor, I was able to regain enough equilibrium to begin my healing process on my own. After the initial cocooning phase, where I withdrew from everything, it was time to reassemble the life I wanted and that was not a life of wallowing in the past. I had to realize that every thought I gave him, every ounce of rage and anger I harbored, didn’t affect his life at all. It was destroying only mine. Once I figured that out, I forgot about him. It was water under the bridge, regardless of how ugly it was. The past is dead. Holding onto all those negative thoughts and emotions was only poisoning me. I simply let it all go.

    Letting go isn’t easy, but necessary if you want to be a whole healthy person. I hope everyone climbing out of the victim-trap can find and embrace this. Once you do, the world will fill with color again and you’ll find you can breathe.

    1. Jean, thank you so much for your wisdom, here. I’m learning each of the things you are talking about, here. The abuse continues long after the relationship has ended, though not at his hands…OUR OWN! Through ruminating, allowing all the negative, self-defeating thoughts to take over, only continues what he started. Part of my process, now, is growing past his conditioning, learning to become strong under MY OWN power. He’s not in the actual picture anymore, but without what happened, I would never have the thought to delve deeper into what about me makes me a meal to a toxic person. he did his thing, yes, and I am coming to a place that, I believe, will end his influence entirely. But, what remains still needs to be dealt with.

      Our own thoughts can either defeat us or give us the strength we need. If we habitually ruminate on all the negative in our past relationship (of course I’m talking about after first ending the relationship), we will NEVER move beyond it! If we decide to change our thoughts, then change our actions to match, healing isn’t too far away. I’m looking forward to becoming a much stronger person than I have EVER been. That means getting past the conditioning (fear based) of a psychological abuser, and then relearning what it means to be a holistic person…healthy in every way imaginable.

      The hatred, bitterness and struggling we allow ourselves to go through (even if it’s the natural part of healing), is only encouraging to the abuser, who is relishing in our supposed defeat. We aren’t defeated in the least! This is one needed step of many to a better existence 🙂

      In the beginning, I didn’t really deny anything. But i didn’t understand anything either. I spent my time rehashing the entire relationship. He hated me from the moment he asked me out. Then to remember the sweet things he did, along side of the hatred he carried…I just could NOT get the information to a place that I could digest it, let alone understand. I had to do a lot of thinking, remembering, and studying in order to get to a place that I was “ok” with everything as it stood. I was beginning to be at peace with the whirlwind left inside of me. Silencing his lies about me and his voice was every bit as important. Reaffirming the person I knew I was before he ever came along, was difficult (I was so disjointed) but necessary. I actually had to force myself to go through the motions until my mind and body followed suit. It’s definitely a hard process. If we walk through it with the goal to GET PAST IT, we won’t be stuck in this place. I am truly excited to see what is at the end. I just have to deal with the important things first. I’m 46, and only just now learning what it means to be strong. I’m only just learning that it’s ok to stand up for myself. It’s ok to tell someone ‘no’ even if it might hurt their feelings.

      I’m learning things, only now, that I should have known by the time I first got married. Sorry for the book Jean 😀 Sometimes my thoughts take over, which spark more….

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