Within the past few days I have been blessed with ground shaking epiphanies, which I most desperately needed! I have received a new direction, instead of the stagnation that I was plagued with for a while. I was in a mental and emotional tail-spin, trying to figure SOMETHING out. That plateau or stagnation caused me to re-hash everything I had been through during my relationship with a pathologically twisted, psychological abuser…a psychopath. I was searching for a new direction, as I had conquered (for the most part) the first, most obvious one: silencing his voice in my own mind. I couldn’t stand the thought that “that was it” and “I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life”. I couldn’t stand the thought that there was nothing more I could do, to become “normal” again. I’m exceedingly grateful!
I woke up thinking about the place I was when I started this journey, which brought my thoughts to those people who might be in that place RIGHT NOW! What if they found this current direction (destroying the psychopath’s roots within me, and replacing ALL roots with better seeds) while reading my blog, thinking that THIS is what they need to do immediately. I believe this would be detrimental to their own healing process. I believe EVERY phase and beginning step is absolutely NECESSARY! So…this entry is for them.
This current direction I’m in is much needed, but I believe I wouldn’t be able to take this next step without growing stronger, in the beginning. I needed to find strength for the next phase of this journey of healing. The first goal was the stepping stone, but I had to fight to be strong enough to succeed in it. You see, every step, every struggle, every phase you go through is ALL YOU! You have to initiate EACH AND EVERY STEP, in order to get past what you have been through, to become whole again.
It would be like starting a book in the middle. You might get the gist of the story line, but you miss the most important parts. The beginning is what is needed to bring a full understanding of the rest of the story. The beginning ties into the ending. Without it, end result isn’t as good. Ok, I’m not making much sense here, but I hope you get the picture.
If you are battling horrifying depression to the point that you feel suicidal, you might need to enlist the assistance of a Dr, and get on an antidepressant to help. It isn’t a ‘failure’ to do this, nor does it mean that you have to stay on the antidepressants forever.
The beginning of your processing, is absolutely EXCRUCIATING, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Your abuser more than likely succeeded in isolating you from your support network, friends and family. The first thing you need to do is get back in touch with them! They will be such a strength for you! We all have those in our family or network who discount our traumatic experiences. If they, in any way, minimize what you have been through, or tell you “There’s always 2 sides…”, AVOID THEM RIGHT NOW! That doesn’t mean you drop them entirely (unless you want to) though, to pick up that friendship later, it’s just that kind of thinking and input that could drive you over the edge. You need support, not criticism. You are in a very tender place right now.
You are probably confused and in a tail-spin, right now, trying to make sense of everything you’ve just been through. Let it happen, but fight to keep from habitually ruminating. You will in the early days, and it’s necessary to get to the point of somewhat of an understanding. The whole point of the early days is getting his or her GARBAGE OUT! I had panic attacks for the first few weeks. You might too. CALL YOUR CLOSEST FRIEND during the hardest parts. She/he will be the one to give you the strength to make it.
I’ve been in this process for a little over a year, now. I’m only just getting to the place that I can tackle the bigger issues, which caused EVERY abusive situation I’ve ever been in, as well as battling the conditioning from my psychopathic X. I wouldn’t be able to do this without going through all of the hell of the early days of healing. I don’t think I could have, if I had the wherewithal to try.
Start at the beginning. There’s no hurry, and it’s necessary that you go through each step and phase. Allow yourself to process and feel, but learn to recognize which thoughts are HIS or hers, and replace them with what ever is good, noble, true and POSITIVE. This is crucial to moving past this phase.
Do NOT jump into another relationship right now! Take time to heal and find who you are. A new relationship might feel right or good right now, but it won’t remove any effects from your abuse. Covered, the effects will grow exponentially!
Thank you for stopping by. I do hope this entry has helped with that overwhelming feeling you might have. Looking at the vast expanse that IS healing, can seem overwhelming. Just remember this, which has become my mantra…
One step at a time, one day at a time…breathe in, breathe out.
You will become stronger in the coming days. Relish in those days that you get to see YOU poking through! Be proud! You have looked into the eyes of PURE EVIL and survived! Nothing is near as bad as what you are now FREE FROM!
I wish you peace in your heart, each and every day as you start your journey. The end of the journey is a beautiful place!! We are walking through this together…