As always, I struggle with the right words to describe things, but I will do my best. I’m not really going through a hard day, depressed or anything of that sort. I am, however, full of thought and body is reacting in kind. I’m quiet and somewhat expressionless. I’ve been like this for a couple of days. As I said, I’m not depressed but I am noticing some things that are alarming to me. Add another cold to the equation, and you have me… (side note: I haven’t had THIS MANY PROBLEMS with colds in close to 10 years! This sucks! Colds turn to bronchitis for me, which means at least a trip to the er, if not full on admittance for a few days to a week if I can’t get it to go away QUICKLY. For me, there is no such thing as “just a cold”.)
I wonder if anyone else has experienced this type of thing after their encounter with a Psychopath?
I remember enduring abuse in the past. Emotional, physical and sexual. I always came out of it ok. I never lost who I WAS in the end. I was never left questioning anything, except for the whys of the abuse. Things were as they were and I picked myself up nicely-ish. There was really no question about my boundaries for the most part. Once I saw that changes weren’t being made, though I ignored the initial warnings, I was all about speaking my mind. I didn’t call off the relationship until things got SO BAD that I couldn’t stand it any longer. I was able to be ‘ok’ in a relationship (though most turned abusive in the end), and was ‘ok’ with not bringing anything from my past into it. It was a non-issue, and not even a thought. Irregardless of the fact that i was actually damaged going into the relationship, which is why I continued getting into abusive ones. I did second guess everything that my gut was screaming at me to pay attention, which allowed for the abuse in the first place.
This time isn’t the same. Its as if I am a new born baby. Everything is new and I have to relearn everything. Its like I have never lived before, and am just starting out again. Whenever I try to go out with friends, especially when a guy is interested in me, I fall into a shell of sorts. Instead of speaking my mind, I clam up entirely. My eyes go to the floor and I am absolutely silent.
I recognize those areas that my X destroyed. Confidence has been hugely affected in many areas! Though I have gained much in this area over the last year, personal interrelationships is one area that I’m still struggling in. As long as I’m behind the counter, the real OLD me shows. As long as people are at arms length, I’m ok. If someone tries to get closer (say, as a true friend should be), I am like a fish out of water. Totally exposed and uncomfortable.
This isn’t ME!
In the past, my prior relationship never had any bearing in a new one…at least as I looked at it. I wasn’t threatened by any man (per-say). I was comfortable and happy. Now, the instant I even consider trying again, I go into THIS mode. All it takes is a glance by someone, and I’m in this place.
I’m having to relearn how to be comfortable again. I’m having to drown out my x’s influences in every area, in order to try and function normally. With a hint of a familiar scenario, I become beat down again. The person never causes it, but I can’t quell the fargin pictures and scenario replays in my head. Some of those echos aren’t quiet yet.
I’ve silenced the lies that were left inside. The sound of his voice, and his words for the most part have been killed. Except for the scenario replays.
I remember how he put me in a position to shatter me in an instant. I remember when I would talk to him about having fun at work, and he would accuse me of flirting or that the guy just wanted to take advantage of me (get in my pants, as he would say). I was made to feel like a slut, and worse…that he SAW me as one. This was continuous. His online stalking and outside schemes only solidified his distrust of me, which I paid for. My psyche is still remembering those times, and is still living it, apparently.
I can’t seem to get past this, yet. I need a “how-to” book to help me out, here. I’m at a loss.
I doubt if I’ve made any sense, here.