A few weeks ago I went out with some old friends of mine. One of which I’ve been spending some time with, just ‘hanging out’. There were moments that I was interested (or thought I was) in trying to see some relationship potential, as a sort of “watch and see” game of mine. I used this time to try to recognize some red flags. I found some. Some were minuscule. Other’s were huge!
I’m practicing the art of calling bullshit, bullshit…and acting accordingly. After my relationship with my X, there are some things I will NEVER ALLOW AGAIN!
1) In our case, our age difference could cause some issues. I like to have fun, but not at others’ expense. That doesn’t mean that I can’t joke around with someone, or engage in verbal jousting matches with the best of them. But it DOES mean that riding bikes in the middle of Wal-Mart is NOT good way to pass the time. Yes, it’s stupid fun, but it’s also disrespectful to other customers and the employees who work hard to keep their store presentable. No, I didn’t do that with him but he bragged about doing that with other friends recently. Sorry, not my cup-o-tea.
2) We went Karaoke-ing the other night. We left the bar and were met with a couple of inches of snow on his car. I took my bare hand and helped brush away the snow off his car. He didn’t ask for help, yet I knew that I COULD help to make the job quicker and easier. I was still in my work clothes as he didn’t let me know what he had planned, and I had just gotten off work. Afterwards we went to a local gas station to sit and have coffee. We met at this particular gas station to start off the evening. By the time coffee was done, and I had to leave so I could get up for work the next day, the snow on my car was piled up. He got in his car and sat with the heat on, while I cleared ALL of the snow off of my own car. No big deal to the lay person. My work shoes really need replacing. There are holes that allow for all of the snow to soak my feet. He sat and watched. This is a red-flag in and of itself. If you hadn’t figured it out, he didn’t even think to help me. He didn’t offer or anything. He stayed warm while I froze my tail off, wondering why he didn’t even offer to help.
3) We both had a little more Christmas shopping to do, so we went to a store or 2. We went to a video rental store, where I said something pretty stupid. I admit it, and should have known better. He made fun of me in front of the clerk, talking about my “lack of attention to detail” and such. He embarrassed me. This is becoming his favorite “quality” about me, that he likes to point out…in private or in public. We’ve known eachother for several years, with a few years absence in between. We were always singing buddies, and pool partners (I, more of a hinderance to the game than anything).
4) His Aunt has been sent home with terminal cancer just before Christmas. The entire time that he talked about that, he ridiculed each one of his family members for being emotional about the prognosis. He snubbed his nose at the very thought of their becoming emotional, or showing emotion when seeing said Aunt over Christmas. He came back, talking about how he down talked them to their faces for shedding tears.
Now, the lesson:
As pertains to scenario #1; Acting like a jackass doesn’t impress me in the least. Listening to someone brag about acting like an ass for laughs (especially at the expense of others) doesn’t make me interested in pursuing anything in the least. I’m not impressed, nor am I the least bit interested. I used to be that nutty, when I was younger. However, there comes a time when you have to grow up a little and be responsible. That means take care of your bills, learn and implement respect for others, etc. Above all, I don’t have to act like a jack-ass in order to get someone to like me. The fact that just his stories made my skin crawl, was a red-flag all its own. I’ve paid attention to that gut instinct. What does this scenario tell me? I’m not 100% sure about that. I’m not sure if he’s just that insecure, or that Arrogant and doesn’t care about others. He has shown some caring toward me, however. Now, I think it was just to impress me, and nothing genuine.
Scenario #2; Brushing the snow off of cars. What does the fact that he didn’t think to help me, knowing my shoes are holy and I helped him, say about him? About any possible relationship? This is what I got out of it: His concern for me was zilch…nadda… The only concern was for himself and his comfort. Yes, he started his car so I could climb in to be warm while mine warmed up, but he allowed me to brush my car of 4-5 inches of snow without an inkling of care or consideration. It showed that he’s selfish. It showed me that if I ever needed him to stand up for me, it wouldn’t ever happen. He’d find something funny about it instead of caring for my well-being.
Scenario #3; (This one should raise some hackles on the back of your necks) Being demeaning toward me in public and in private. It was to get the clerk to laugh, while in public…or at least that was one perk. He likes to point out my short-comings in private conversation and in public. There again this shows lack of care and consideration, except for himself. I’m seeing a common thread, here.
Scenario #4; Aunt dying of cancer at home… Where’s the empathy? Where’s the concern? I understand the need for the kids to have a nice Christmas, but the tears were away from the kids. The sadness was between family members, who are meant to be a strength for one another. Ridiculing them was not a nice thing to do. It’s a sad time for them all, too.
One good thing has come of my experience with a Psychopath…I see the red-flags and recognize them WITHOUT EXCUSES, almost immediately. I know that I don’t want a repeat performance from another selfish, narcissistic person. We’d be better as friends…in time.
As it stands at this point in time, I really don’t want to spend any more time with him. Friends are friends. We are friends because we encourage one another. We don’t demean each other for our own benefit or for ANY reason at all! We accentuate each others’ strengths and talk about the hard things with RESPECT for each other. He doesn’t seem like much of a friend after-all.