My X said something that was actually great advise, regardless of the messenger…”Make this year better than your last”. I hate the idea of thinking back to something “good” in that relationship, since it was such a harrowing experience, but this is actually good.
It’s good for survivors of one like him.
Every year prior to that experience was met with the same old mistakes, the same old struggles, the same old failures. Why was this? It’s because I chose to ride the waves of life, expecting fate to carry me to safer waters. Yeah, umm…nope! This year will be different. As with every day, it begins with the first breath and the first step. I’ll touch on this one, later…
This last year has had some successes for me. It’s also had some failures. We cannot allow ourselves to look at the failures and dwell on them. All that will do is bring a defeated spirit to our lives, which will cause more FAILURE! We’ll be afraid to look and move forward. Isn’t that just what he (or she) caused in you during your relationship in the first place? We’ve grown past (for the most part) the defeated mind-set that he placed so skillfully in our hearts and minds. Why would we, who have grown so much in this last year, accept that again?! This is a time to reflect on our own successes, strengths and opportunities to be better and stronger, yet.
Humans are on a constant track of learning and growing. If we look at the failures as OPPORTUNITIES, we will be better, still!
I’m learning the art of setting goals. Yes, most people on the planet have already learned this skill. I really never did. I’ve made small goals (time centered goals, like how to get everything done in one day), but nothing with a big dramatic joyful ending. Until this past year, of course. I still have lots to learn in that area. However, my biggest downfall is STARTING! I realize the areas that still need to change, or at least the need for me to become stronger in. The “how’s” just aren’t that clear.
I’m learning to believe that in such a case, the most important thing to do is BEGIN, whether or not the path is an obvious one. Step into unknown territory. Make your OWN path. Part of being human is in making the mistakes. But instead of becoming defeated by them, we find direction IN that mistake. It is what will help us find our way to the end of that goal. Take a deep breath, and then take the next step. sometimes it’s necessary to take a day to reflect, but make sure you don’t stay in that place for too long. We become complacent, which creates the atmosphere to stay in our own hell, a little longer. I don’t know about you, but this is something I want to get away from, very VERY soon!
I don’t want to be the same person I ever was. I don’t want to be the defeated jelly-fish ever again! I want to become whole, safe and loved safely, in the end.
As I said above, every year prior had been met with the same old mistakes and failures. The same abusive patterns (though this was the first Psychopath I had ever met to my knowledge), the same defeated mind-set, and lack of hope. The common thread in all of that was my OWN LACK OF MOVEMENT! I expected life to carry me. I expected God to do all the work in my life, and I wouldn’t have anything dealt to me that I couldn’t handle.
Every miracle in the Bible was first tested by the movement of the recipient. If that person were too afraid and refused to pick up his bed, for instance, would he have received the miracle and been able to walk? I believe that would be an emphatic NO. He told the lame man, “You are healed! Now, take up your bed and WALK!’…What if that same lame man said, “But lord, I still feel pain in my joints, I don’t feel any different, I’m afraid to fall on my face…No, I’m not going to try.” He would have remained bed-ridden. My point with this is to say; the cosmos, life, fate or even GOD will NOT give us what we need, if we aren’t willing to “take up your bed and WALK”! Relying on such things to make our lives better, only makes us a meal to a shark. It makes us stagnant in that same life we are complaining about. Being the same jelly-fish we were 10 years ago, isn’t the fault (at first the abuser carried the blame) of the abuser in the end, but lies in the one LIVING THE LIFE!
It’s important for the survivor to take the time to process everything they have gone through. This takes time. Please take that time, if you are fresh out of that relationship with your X-Psychopath. This entry is met for those of us who have been out of it for a while. Me, I’ve been away from my X for over a year. My goal is to learn those habitual patterns I’ve carried throughout my own life, that has made me such a sumptuous meal to abusers, and then CHANGE THOSE PATTERNS!
For the rest of us,
We are healed! Now, its most definitely time to take up our beds and WALK! It doesn’t mean that we won’t falter or even fail sometimes. The point is in the MOTION, in refusing to accept unhealthy patterns any longer.
The reason I keep writing about this type of thing is because I still struggle with it. I’m growing, learning and becoming stronger. This year will be even BETTER!