Some things I’m noticing

As always, I struggle with the right words to describe things, but I will do my best. I’m not really going through a hard day, depressed or anything of that sort. I am, however, full of thought and body is reacting in kind. I’m quiet and somewhat expressionless. I’ve been like this for a couple of days. As I said, I’m not depressed but I am noticing some things that are alarming to me. Add another cold to the equation, and you have me… (side note: I haven’t had THIS MANY PROBLEMS with colds in close to 10 years! This sucks! Colds turn to bronchitis for me, which means at least a trip to the er, if not full on admittance for a few days to a week if I can’t get it to go away QUICKLY. For me, there is no such thing as “just a cold”.)

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this type of thing after their encounter with a Psychopath?

I remember enduring abuse in the past. Emotional, physical and sexual. I always came out of it ok. I never lost who I WAS in the end. I was never left questioning anything, except for the whys of the abuse. Things were as they were and I picked myself up nicely-ish. There was really no question about my boundaries for the most part. Once I saw that changes weren’t being made, though I ignored the initial warnings, I was all about speaking my mind. I didn’t call off the relationship until things got SO BAD that I couldn’t stand it any longer.  I was able to be ‘ok’ in a relationship (though most turned abusive in the end), and was ‘ok’ with not bringing anything from my past into it. It was a non-issue, and not even a thought. Irregardless of the fact that i was actually damaged going into the relationship, which is why I continued getting into abusive ones. I did second guess everything that my gut was screaming at me to pay attention, which allowed for the abuse in the first place.

This time isn’t the same. Its as if I am a new born baby. Everything is new and I have to relearn everything. Its like I have never lived before, and am just starting out again. Whenever I try to go out with friends, especially when a guy is interested in me, I fall into a shell of sorts. Instead of speaking my mind, I clam up entirely. My eyes go to the floor and I am absolutely silent.

I recognize those areas that my X destroyed. Confidence has been hugely affected in many areas! Though I have gained much in this area over the last year, personal interrelationships is one area that I’m still struggling in. As long as I’m behind the counter, the real OLD me shows. As long as people are at arms length, I’m ok. If someone tries to get closer (say, as a true friend should be), I am like a fish out of water. Totally exposed and uncomfortable.

This isn’t ME!

In the past, my prior relationship never had any bearing in a new one…at least as I looked at it. I wasn’t threatened by any man (per-say). I was comfortable and happy. Now, the instant I even consider trying again, I go into THIS mode. All it takes is a glance by someone, and I’m in this place.

I’m having to relearn how to be comfortable again. I’m having to drown out my x’s influences in every area, in order to try and function normally. With a hint of a familiar scenario, I become beat down again. The person never causes it, but I can’t quell the fargin pictures and scenario replays in my head. Some of those echos aren’t quiet yet.

I’ve silenced the lies that were left inside. The sound of his voice, and his words for the most part have been killed. Except for the scenario replays.

I remember how he put me in a position to shatter me in an instant. I remember when I would talk to him about having fun at work, and he would accuse me of flirting or that the guy just wanted to take advantage of me (get in my pants, as he would say). I was made to feel like a slut, and worse…that he SAW me as one. This was continuous. His online stalking and outside schemes only solidified his distrust of me, which I paid for. My psyche is still remembering those times, and is still living it, apparently.

I can’t seem to get past this, yet. I need a “how-to” book to help me out, here. I’m at a loss.

I doubt if I’ve made any sense, here.



5 thoughts on “Some things I’m noticing

  1. You made sense. It’s why I quit dating. I couldn’t figure out how to keep myself safe, not fall into the habits I’d been trained to follow. I still haven’t figured out how to change it, though I think I’m making progress. I’m working to become comfortable with who I am, not who I think I should be or wish I was.

    1. I still hold on to the fact that I’m just NOT ready to pursue anything, until I get ME under control. There is no balance in how I view men in general. If they are friends, then God bless them. If they are wanna be hopefuls, then I won’t be able to view them as the nice guys they might be. All I hear echoing in the background is “slut”, regardless of the circumstance. That’s his bull-shit, through and through. That’s what I was if I happened to speak to another man, or even if my daughter talked to a guy outside of our complex. I was blamed, and held responsible for yet another man knowing “where we lived”. That, of course, translated to “slut” to my X. Yes, I was the slut, irregardless of the circumstance. That’s the stuff that won’t go away. Probably TMI, here. But it is what it is. Here’s hoping this new year will bring MORE growth and MORE strength!

  2. First, silence the shit’s voice that keeps repeating to you that men just want to get into your pants. Sure, there are some that just want that. But you must be confident in your ability to recognize those losers at first glance, first encounter.

    If you start talking to a new man/potential date about a book you’re reading, let’s just say, and he changes the subject to how nice your ass looks in those jeans or how pretty your smile is, walk away because he’s not interested in YOU! If, on the other hand, he asks you more questions about the book or recommends another book that he’s read, remain open.

    For the most part, we can’t interact in the world with others if we are closed. We are always open to a degree. But we shut down due to fear. Pin-point the fear and then work to control it. Are you afraid of being judged? Being seen as only a piece of ass? Being accused of being stupid? Being accused of being “ruined” in some way?

    Your default should be “I have a lot to offer someone” not “I wish I had a lot to offer someone.” Do you really care what others think? Then work on changing that. We can’t get through life that way and be 100% happy or reach our fool potential. You know these things!! You just need to remember them and repeat them as your mantra.

    You’re beautiful, worthy, and free to be you!! Anyone would be thrilled to be your friend or lover. Good men exist. They do. And you can be the good woman they’re looking to meet. XOXO!

  3. Aaaawwww….I just dealt with this the other day. Neighbor guy brought me a home made turkey pot pie that he made over the holidays, to which he had a few left and put into the freezer and thought he’d bring us one. He made it himself.

    He has approached me before and we have had casual and quick conversations. He’s relatively good looking and appears to be a nice man. He continues to invite me to his place for “beers”. Well, that was where it ended for me. When I was with my ex, he nearly destroyed my life by introducing wine into it. He used this as coercive, inhibition lowering tool, but under the guise of a fine wine “expert”. I had an alcohol problem when I left the relationship. When he was gone, so was the alcohol. I have nearly two years sober.

    This is a boundary for me now. I understand the anxiety that you’re feeling. For me, I identified it as making a mountain out of! it was actually an inner war…I WANT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP, BUT DAMMIT! I’M TOO UNHEALED YET TO DO IT.

    That’s all it really is. Our PTSD can create some monsters when it isn’t necessary and this is part of soothing self talk….so….you’re not ready yet. And that’s O.K! You will be, just not now. Try to relax around men. I don’t mean to give yourself up to them or anything, but try not to project your ex’s projection onto them. If they do not respect your boundaries, simply tell them or walk away. You don’t owe any explanations and in the end, we worry more about what people think then any time they give to us.

    You will heal, and you’re doing really well, too. Time is the biggest healer. Just know you need more of it. 🙂

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