How Perpetrator’s ‘groom’ Victims To Make Them Feel Like Its Their Fault


This is a great article, but as the authors said, be prepared for it to be triggering for those with PTSD or vivid memories. This pertains to pedophiles, but the same tactics are used by Sociopaths and Psychopaths in a “relationship (barf)” setting. Calculated attempts to blame shift, in order to remain hidden. Just read…

https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/how-perpetrators-groom-victims-to-make-them-feel-like-its-their-fault.20270/

Why I made it out after a little over one year


Today, while plugging along in my new duties at work, I kept thinking about a couple of things. This has been a topic of discussion, or reasonable mention, for a little while now. I wanted to address it, because I believe it’s important for others to understand, too: It’s the reasons I was able to see the Monster and his evil, slimy hide so early and as a result, was able to find the strength to leave.

The reasons were two-fold (quite possibly 3).

I learned some of the tactics he was using against me (and others) when I was very young, as a curious topic. I had an insatiable drive to learn whatever I could get my hands on, or what I thought sounded interesting. For whatever reason, I noticed several things that were pretty standard behaviors and reactions among people which are natural and universal (in normal humans who have a conscience and are strong empaths). I noticed them, saw what things, words and tones brought about certain reactions, and realized just how easy it would be to get someone to act the way you wanted them to, without the person realizing it. It was a curiosity for me, much like Astrology and personality traits. It was never something that was callous on my part, or something that I would EVER use in an evil or self-serving way. I’ve never used it against anyone. I just learned that type of manipulation was possible. It was the same with Brainwashing tactics. I learned it for no reason but to learn the facts behind it. This was one thing that allowed me to see the abuse and manipulation earlier. Both of these are part of Brainwashing, by the way.

English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt...
English: A large chess game inside Enoch Pratt Free Library in Baltimore, MD, USA (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In a video I saw recently, it compared the methods of this type of psychopath to a game of chess. Each piece on a chess board has a particular move. They never differ in those moves. The player can use each chess piece to manipulate their opponent into moving in a desired direction, setting them up for defeat. The pieces are people who the psychopath chooses to be pawns or blind patseys. These people are set up against the chosen prey, without realizing their role in the game, to guide the victim to act or react in a particular direction, which guides him/her to be defeated. They also use carefully placed lies, told with just the right “tone” to make it more believable. Much like the shepherd and his gentle prodding of his staff guiding sheep to slaughter. How many parallels can I come up with? It’s all gross manipulation at its worst. It’s gas-lighting, crazy making, sly talk with a slithering, forked tongue. It’s evil and dangerous, when you are dealing with a Psychopath who has no natural limits to what he/she is capable of. It’s cruel anyway, but especially in the hands of a Psychopath. This is what got my final attention.

When I met my X, he was only charming until we exchanged phone numbers, basically. He was only a gentleman for a very short time. Looking back, it seems like he was already rushing to get the “job” done with me. He wasted no time.  It was only a few weeks in, that he started dosing me with his crap. At first, it was to see how I would react. What made me tick. What would make me feel guilty and be easily swayed. It’s what made the rest of his tactics work as well as they did. He knew I didn’t trust my instincts, and that an angry tone would get me to cower or second-guess myself. He used this with great cunning and skill.

Most people aren’t placed in the same type of scenario. Their monsters (whether it be male or female psychopaths) were more patient with them and in implementation of the scheme of control and assimilation, I assume. The grooming stage was more slowly played, setting the victim feeling overwhelming euphoria just in his or her presence. It’s this stage that makes us believe everything GOOD about him or her.

For me, the grooming stage was intermittent with quick guided taunts and demeaning statements. It was mixed with quick bursts of anger and accusations, then when I would be upset by the shock, it wasn’t him at all that caused it. It was because of “past relationship issues” or what-not. This was within a matter of a couple of weeks. He would do nice things, and then within a few hours he would say something cruel or twist a scenario, words, or his perceptions in order to get me confused, and shaken. I was already guided into being afraid to contradict or question his actions. Instead, I silently stirred everything around in my mind, as I knew nothing he was trying to get me to believe was at ALL correct. However at the same time, I was battling in the same way, trying to convince myself that I was wrong about him. I wanted so bad to believe he was still the sweet gentleman that I met. He was horribly jealous. But not just jealous…absolutely paranoid to the point that he had to keep my entire household on edge. With each gas-lighting attempt, I would utter some nonsense statement to myself, in order to try to convince myself that the abuse didn’t just happen that way; that he didn’t just try to convince me of an obvious lie. While I had the good vs evil dialogue playing back and forth in my mind, I was gradually but incessantly becoming conditioned to act and react the way he directed. I was still aware of the anxiety, fear and confusion inside of me. I was aware where it was coming from and what caused it. You notice the pin wheel effect, here? That’s what my thought processes were, the entire time during that year. There was a battle going on, between my gut and my reasoning. I couldn’t shut off my intuition or fear. The more I ignored it, the more my body revolted against me.

When you continuously ignore those warnings that your body sends you, it begins to erupt in the form of illness, panic attacks, weight loss, and so many others. It’s better to listen when your body is trying to tell you something with intuition or fear. Me, I was affected by constant anxiety and fear. My weight dropped drastically to below 10o pounds, and never above 102. My normal weight is 120. I had a nervous breakdown right in front of him. Imagine the fun he had with THAT!

It was solely my curse of incessant introspection and extrospection that kept me thinking about what I was seeing, hearing and experiencing from the monster. I was constantly aware of my body’s reactions to what was said or done, including lies and set ups against me. I was completely aware when he would set someone up to believe a lie. I was aware when he did that to me. I was aware when he set up a scheme to be used at a later date. How he set it up, what was told to whom in order to make the job easier, and so on. I was ALWAYS aware. I just ignored, placated, second-guessed myself, and became the fargen jelly-fish for his sake. After I realized how bad he was for me, I was too afraid to walk away. I didn’t know what he would do if I did, so I stayed in that hell, trying to find the best “diplomatic” way to break up with him.

You see, There are 2 or 3 things that enabled me to see him for what he was/is, sooner. 1) The fact that I studied those very tactics so many years prior to my jaunt with the Psychopath, that after some time I recognized them. 2) Though he DID try to groom me to be more receptive to him, he was impatient and pushed the abuse too soon…I mean the more obvious abuse. 3) My curse or blessing of the art of introspection and extrospection. Self analysis.

With these, I was forced to end things as a matter of safety, finally. It was a final scheme he set me up for, that I caught him in and all at once, realized that he HAS NO LIMITS AS TO WHAT HE WAS CAPABLE OF. Just that knowledge made me realize how evil he really is, and how much danger I was in.

There was still a lot of damage done. It didn’t have to be that way, though. I was aware of the warnings my body was giving me, but didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t trust myself and instantly reasoned everything away. It didn’t silence my intuition or awareness of what he was causing to erupt in ME. I allowed for the abuse to continue. I created the perfect scenario for him to really get deep into my psyche and cause damage. Some areas are really bad. I may talk about that in a later post.

The effects he caused in just one year, are the same as those caused in a victim (now survivor) who had been a pathological relationship for many years. I say that because the symptoms I have and the battles, reaffirmation, purging and so on, are the same as other survivors who were in it longer. I am living it. I lived it. I know what is left of me. I am lucky that I was able to see him sooner and begin the healing process. He was good at his game, very thorough and conniving. His tactics and abilities are so fine-tuned, he can cut you apart while making you believe he’s giving you a massage.

I still consider myself lucky, in the grand scale, though not so much because of the damage left. The healing that I have seen so far, is also being brought about by my awareness and self-analysis. The same that was around during that year with the monster. I’m a thinker. I analyze. I come up with ideas of how-to, and attempt to put them into practice. So far, it’s worked for me for the most part. If it doesn’t, I breathe, change directions and try again.

I hope this has answered some questions you might be having.

Trigger…


I am taking a break, I swear! However, today I had something happen at work that really floored me. I don’t know whether to call it a response to a PTSD trigger, or if it happened solely because I’m unable to trust men in general. I’m going to run it past you, for your thoughts.

I was waiting my turn at the employee computer to clock in after lunch. The man who has been my friend throughout everything, jokingly said something that normally wouldn’t affect me. “Get the freak out of my way!” Maybe it was his tone. I know he was kidding, yet I poised myself to be ready for a fight in an instant. I’m not a violent person, and would have never reacted that way, normally. I stared him down, and I’m sure I made him uncomfortable. I definitely made myself uncomfortable!

This particular type of scenario never happened during the relationship with my X-monster, so I don’t know what to attribute it to.

This is really nothing. I’m just really curious why I reacted that way to a statement from a friend who was joking with me. I told the girls around me that he was just playing and everything was ok. In my normal way of being, there would have been no other reaction to his playful demands, than a pop on the arm, or a toss of his hat. I would have walked away laughing. Today was, well, nothing short of uncomfortable.

What do you think?

Taking a break is the next best step…


I believe that taking a break from blogging right now, is a good idea. I won’t be deleting my blog or anything of the sort. It’s time to start living again. I won’t be dating or toying with the idea for quite some time, but I have realized that I need to LIVE now. I’ve spent countless hours writing down every step that I’ve gone through..every phase that has hit me along the way. I have written these down for any other new survivor that finds themselves in the same place I was, in the beginning.

I’ve hashed and rehashed every possible thing about my Psychopathic X. While still in the relationship I understood that he was psychologically abusive, and decided to try to understand just what I was in. What type of man is he? Why was I so buried with anxiety and confusion? I spent many hours, days and months trying to understand. When I finally understood what he is, (that was pretty close to the end) I got away. I was finally allowed to see just how dangerous he is, and was finally able to see the monster without the veil of pseudo-humanity.

I got away, and with time I came to grips with what I had been through, which included the abuse. I learned to differentiate between every type of psychological abuse the monster used against me, in order to keep me silent, shaken and very very unsure of everything around me…that included myself. I was able to be “ok” with everything, and accept that there are evil people out there that prey on women like me. I was too visible to a predator.  There are no neat little boxes to put the experience in, as it will never make total and complete sense. But, I’m ok with that, now. The box is called “disorder”, and rightfully so. The entire relationship, every day of it, can be categorized as “disordered”. The monster himself, is also “disordered”. That’s the best understanding I have and am able to give you, the new survivor.

Every step from that point on, was with the need and decision to get my life back. To get MYSELF back. I needed him COMPLETELY out of my life. If I was remaining centered on HIM, I would never move forward. I would have lost…He would win. I couldn’t allow that.

I learned to silence his voice in my head for the most part. There are still some very triggering things, that I haven’t learned how to grow past yet, but as it has been in every other step and area, that will come.

The place I am in, now, is going to be a long road. I think I will be stuck talking about the same stuff that I’ve learned up to this point. I’ve been able to find the keys to complete recovery, and the rest..the ease of which will come with more practice.

Today marks no mile stone, other than the fact that I have come “this” far. I’m not giving up in the least! I’m so elated to finally be almost completely free of his effects, I can hardly stand it! I’ve begun the process of recognizing those difficult things about me that made me such an easy target to catch, and worse…to hold onto. It’s these things that will take time to perfect.

The boundaries aspect will take as much time as the redefining of myself, to see to fruition. Though, I highly doubt if I will ever completely ‘arrive” to total completion. That would mean I’ve reached perfection. I am, and will always be, human. I will make mistakes in my life. I will probably meet another like the monster. There in lies the entire reason for reaffirming and building boundaries. It’s the reason for recognizing and changing the difficult things about myself, so when that day comes, I won’t allow myself to be food for another SPATH. I will recognize and trust my instincts without fail. But, even more than that, I am changing and respecting every new and old boundary I have, from this day forward. Not just so I won’t have a repeat of hell in my life, but so I will finally be WHOLE! Holistically whole. Healthy boundaries, healthy views of myself and others, and complete. It’s the person I had never met, that is the reason for all the changes and affirmations, now.

That person is myself!

My instincts have NEVER ONCE failed me! I will repeat that, because I have said that to friends and gotten some flack over it. MY INSTINCTS HAVE NEVER, EVER, FAILED ME. They have always been true and faithful. It’s my distrust of myself and of those instincts, that allowed the abuse to continue as long as it did. My X started showing me his true nature, early on. I was so caught up with who I thought I met, I just wouldn’t allow myself to believe anything less. It was when I was hit with TOTAL reality that I couldn’t ignore the abuse anymore, or excuse it, or find more “patience” with that “poor man”. I have gone through several abusive relationships in my life. I have never had the wherewithal to change, nor did I ever see the need to recognize the unhealthy characteristics about myself that wound up hurting me every time. I thought I was fine and it was all the asshole’s fault. It wasn’t until I was psychologically raped and almost destroyed as a result, that I was finally able to recognize that there was SOMETHING about me that I needed to learn and ultimately, change. I place no blame anywhere. The psychopath is being true to his disorder and can’t be expected to be anything else. He thinks its amusing to play the game. That’s what his disorder creates. I feel no sympathy or pity for the monster. He knew what he did in placing every pawn and scenario, calculatedly and without remorse, and  tried to destroy me a little more with each passing day. It was fun for him to do this. I was a game to him.

Never again.

I have been able to be ok with everything, or as much as I am humanly able. I have made peace with the abuse, in as much as I am able to right now. I have made MORE peace than was there a year ago. I will NEVER make peace with the Monster. No contact means absolutely NO CONTACT…EVER! Just because I am more at peace with the abuse, doesn’t mean the predator has had a life changing epiphany, too. He never will. Ever.

So, as each day continues from here, I will continue to reaffirm my validity as a human being. I will AFFIRM the fact that my feelings are worthy of their own grand-stand (in a way). It’s ok for me to request that others respect me, as much as I respect them. It’s ok to walk away from a situation or person who refuses to respect my boundaries. When my age-old intuition starts playing the harp with my nerve endings, it is ok for me to listen and trust it. I have always, deep down, had my own interests at heart. It’s ok for me to validate my OWN life, my OWN NEEDS, and so-on.

From here, I will continue breathing, taking each day…each step…as it comes. Sometimes there isn’t a “right” way or direction to go in our healing process. There are no rules, as we each heal differently. Understand that the sooner you are able to focus on YOURSELF, the better off you will be. Keep in mind that when there is no “right” way, the ONLY right way is to MOVE YOUR FEET! Life and situations will meet you, that will facilitate your own healing, as long as you aren’t allowing yourself to stay TRAPPED in a wounded state of mind.

The you that you will meet along the way, will astound you. You will amaze you, as I have been amazed through every day of my journey.

I will continue to read your posts and comment. I will continue to be there for other survivors, so feel free to talk to me. I’m still here.

Thank you for every one of you!

Most steps are unsure, but it’s necessary to take those steps anyway!


In the beginning of the end of my toxic relationship with my X-monster, I can’t say things were pleasant, easy or anything of the sort. There was nothing easy at all. The easy thing, however, would have been to allow myself to be defeated by the emotional/psychological rape and minefield I had been subjected to. I couldn’t stand the idea that, with every painful echo of his voice left in my thoughts and memories, he would be allowed to win this battle. He set out to create a moldable glob. One that he could manipulate into being. One that he could pressure into silence for the duration of whatever life I would have left. I couldn’t stand the thought that in getting into the relationship, I willingly went to war. The war was over my own psychological health and being. I couldn’t stand the idea, after fighting so hard to get away in the end, that he could ultimately win.

I wouldn’t and could most definitely NEVER allow him to win. For the sake of all that is or ever was, good.

I’ve mentioned before, how, after initially getting away from the monster, I was hit with daily anxiety attacks for about 2 weeks after. I want to stop and make known that in the middle of several of these episodes, I DID try to call in to work and try to get the day off. Things were so excruciating for me in the beginning that it was VERY difficult to just leave my own home. I was scared, pure and simple. Even though I didn’t initiate this step myself, it became the first step toward later and greater healing. My boss said simply, “No, we really need you to come in.” This was his common response each time I tried to cry “uncle” in those days that were pure hell for me. I was forced to leave my home and go to work. I didn’t want to go. I got angry at his supposed callousness toward my plight. I was angry at him, but I still went to work. I didn’t want others to suffer for my absence. I couldn’t afford the time off financially, either. I sheepishly opened my door, walked to the carport, checked for any sign of my X lurking around, then RAN to my car! I have recently called my boss to thank him for that. He didn’t know it, but he was instrumental in the beginning stages of my recovery, and may have well saved my life. He didn’t know how to respond, but  said, “thank you..”. He must have thought I was off my rocker. I don’t care. I appreciated that in his refusal to give me the day off, he actually DID help me in the biggest way.

1) in the beginning of healing from a toxic relationship, it is MOST IMPERATTIVE for you to MOVE! I don’t mean to move from your home, but refuse to allow yourself to be a prisoner to the hell that is from mental and emotional purging. That’s what I attributed the anxiety attacks to. I was in an ever-increasing state of severe anxiety, at the hands of my psychopathic X. When I was finally free, that overload had to go SOMEWHERE. It was natural for it to come out in some way. It had to. Pick up your normal, daily routine IMMEDIATELY, regardless how you feel. Move your feet, especially when it seems impossible. It’ll give you strength for the rest of your healing recovery.

I realize that even though things seem as though it has been easy for me to move forward, I can assure you, nothing has been easy or simple. The only thing has been at all easy is, DECIDING NOT TO BE STUCK. All I knew is, I didn’t want to hang onto anything left from that POS. That included lingering lack of confidence, fear, being unsure and scared of my surroundings, etc. I recognized the areas that were important to me, were a favorite choice of attack for him. I refused to let him win. I wanted things back. I wanted ME back…everything that made me, me, that he tried to destroy. I set out to reaffirm who I am, and the areas that meant so much to me as an individual. Keep in mind that this part of the process has taken pretty much the entire past year to get to this point. Everything I would do, was out of necessity for survival and to contradict every area my X tried to infiltrate. If he tried to shock me out of confidence in any particular area (such as singing for instance), I was determined to take it back, in whatever means I could. If he said, “You suck at “—” “, I would purposefully fight against it by acting in direct opposition to that conditioning. That’s pretty much the avenue that’s been taken through out this process. I would see his face and hear his voice in every “I can’t” statement that would hit me, or the, “I’m scared” statements, and decide to do the exact opposite. I was still afraid, but I couldn’t let him win…EVER. I took back as much confidence as I could. There are areas that I haven’t found out how to conquer yet, but as my life over this past year and 1/2 has proved to me… each victory truly HAS showed with each first uncertain step.

There has never been any “self-help” books for me, or “How to” articles. All I had to go on has been the support of other bloggers that I’ve met in this blogosphere, which I don’t mean to negate in the LEAST! Without your support and strength, I wouldn’t be doing near this well. I also had the putrid taste in my mouth left from that puke’s psycho-babble, and I wanted nothing to do with it. I recognized that the entire relationship, including every tiny bit of ammo he tried to use against me from the beginning, was nothing but falsities and absolute LIES. I wanted no part of anything left after I got away from him.

After my thinking shifted from him and the relationship, to me and what about me needed to change so I don’t have any sort of repeat ever again in my life, I started doing some serious soul-searching. I had a few talks with my Mom during this, which helped me to gain a better understanding as to WHO I am, and how I came to have some of the issues I’ve had throughout my life. Each one of these things that have transpired, has worked together to bring me to this place, now.

There isn’t one thing that I’ve tried with confidence, other than the fact that I needed to do “something”. In regards to boundaries, it was sort of by accident that I formed a game plan. I haven’t “arrived” there, of course, in that I am nowhere near completely and 100% confident and comfortable in every situation. Not in the least, really, though this is getting better. With more practice, I know this will continue to grow and thrive. I recognized the fact that the boundaries I had that WERE solid, were shaky in the aftermath of the pathological, toxic relationship. I had to reaffirm those boundaries, first. But everything had been shaken. EVERYTHING! I only recognized the need…not the “how’s”. Step one… learn to recognize and accept when your intuition is trying to get your attention. Learn to act accordingly. Let “no” be the #1 word you say in such an instance. It may be easier to walk away from the situation or person entirely, until you are stronger in that area. I just “started” doing this. It was the direction that seemed the most obvious. It was easy to recognize that it was HIGH time that I believed my own intuition. It’s easy to say that, I believe, after getting out of a relationship with a Narc or Psychopath. Intuition is important, necessary and 100% unequivocally, absolutely CORRECT…absolutely EVERY time! This fact has finally been beaten into my otherwise once senseless head! Ok, I finally get it and accept it. It’s easy to accept when so many areas are still raw and painful.

Start allowing yourself to “see” the difficult facts about yourself, which caught his attention in the first place, and then enabled the abuse to continue. You are NOT a bad person, nor is any of the abuse YOUR FAULT!!! Please believe that. However, that said, there are personality characteristics that are attractive to the psychopath, sociopath and/or narcissist. High levels of empathy and caring, exist in the target. If a person has ever been abused as a child, this is something that is most often visible to the predator. It means that the intended target might have some self-esteem issues (just an example) and are an easy meal. The target doesn’t need to tell the psychopath about her abusive past. He already knows by watching and taking mental note. Again, this is NOT your fault! YOU ARE NOT BAD!! However, it is in the weakened areas within us, that enabled the abuse to start, but most of all to CONTINUE! It’s why we didn’t get out sooner. It’s why he was able to manipulate and redirect our thinking for a time. It’s why we isolated ourselves from friends and family. it’s why we willingly lived in fear. Why would we do that??

This is another step that started with being unsure of which direction and step to take. I recognized my previous inability to believe my own intuition…as if I actually knew better… yeah right! My past can attest to how wrong my thinking has been throughout my life, until now. What makes it so hard to stand up for ourselves? Fear of negative emotion? Do we believe that our existence is actually for the guys in the world? Are we REALLY meant to be and remain as, tools?

Each one of us has a different story to tell, as to why we would allow for such atrocities in our lives. There are many reasons. Repeated invalidation while growing up. Previous physical, mental, emotional or even sexual abuse by others..maybe by family member, preacher, childcare provider…what was your Achilles heel? I believe I can safely say, NONE OF US…NOT ONE…HAS EVER WANTED TO ENDURE ANY ABUSE FROM ANYONE! None of us wanted the abuse. We didn’t go into the relationship, thinking, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if he manipulated me into relaxing my boundaries enough that he could keep me silent around others?” Of course we didn’t. However, in our actions and refusal to stand up for ourselves, the Psychopath actually treats us as if we “asked” for him to be abusive. In our inaction, we invalidated our need to be treated as wonderful loving people, and instead we validated HIS need to CONTROL AND ABUSE US! How do we break this?

Quietly, at first, if it’s necessary to teach ourselves. The important things is in the action. it’s in recognizing our own need for boundaries, holding fast to them..and expecting others to respect them as well. If someone is being disrespectful of our boundaries, it’ll spark some “red-flag” moments. Learn to recognize these times, and DON’T HESITATE to react. It doesn’t mean to be mean to someone. It does mean, however, that you express in some way, your displeasure. You re-emphasize that particular boundary and demand that it be honored. If that person refuses, then walk away from them. They aren’t worth your time. You don’t have to appologize or leave an explaination for your departure. It’s in your departure that they will understand. They already know they were being an ass. You don’t have to tell them. Each time, you will become stronger and more self-assured.

This is the place I’m in now, but with some wonderful twists showing along the way.

Succeeding in the recovery/healing process is, quite litterally, a step away. With each action there is an equal and opposite REACTION. If you start moving forward (whatever direction that might be for you), recovery will meet you in the middle. Every step, every motion, every necessary progression. Recovery and healing will come…and keep coming…even if you don’t know “how” to accomplish “something”. All you need to do is do “something” that is moving progressively forward. You will find your way through.

This is a long process, but as long as we NEVER stop, or call defeat, we will make it.

I’m stronger than I was yesterday. I’m most definitely stronger than I was a year ago! I’m glad for guiding hands…where ever they are. I see the evidence…

Why do YOU smoke?? Is it in the need to feel Validated?


Lol! I used to get asked that question by non-smokers, quite regularly. “It stinks, it’s expensive, it’ll KILL you…” The list goes on. Of course, the forever condition of my lungs made it even MORE asinine for me to smoke. My lungs are shit. Pure and simple. I’ll be lucky to live to 60. My doctors didn’t think I would make it to 40, yet her I am and then some. A PFT (Pulmonary function test) and x-rays showed my lungs to be 25% blocked by scar tissue, by the time I was 12. I’m 46. I’ve been smoking for over 20 years (after first quitting when I was 17.). When I was 22 (ish) my doctor did a PFT test and announced that my lungs have an age equivalence of 50. I’m 46. Kinda screwed, doncha think? Most of the damage was caused by my severe asthma, and the cats that I lived with. I don’t respond to allergies like most people, who pop a benadryl and call it good. Nope, my body reacts by my lungs shutting down completely. A bad allergy usually means a trip (or stay) in the hospital. I rarely have allergic hives or sinus-allergies. Nope…just my lungs. Here’s (as long as we are all being honest) the dumbest part, yet, for me to be smoking…I’M ALLERGIC TO TOBACCO! (all of the allergies showed in scratch tests)

Ok, I mentioned all of this to give you a picture of everything I have going against me if I choose to smoke. Stupid, right?

My girls and I, a few years ago
My girls and I, a few years ago

I also have 2 beautiful daughters whom I love and worry about, incessantly.

My Granddaughter when she was 2 1/2.
My Granddaughter when she was 2 1/2.

My granddaughter is the sun to my darkest days. I am all she has, here, as a place that she can go when things are hard for her and/or her mom. Where would she be without me?

I’m not strutting or showing off or what-have-you.. in spite of everything, I could ALWAYS  sing. I would get comments like, “Where the hell did that come from? Your big toe?” I have always been a powerful singer, in relation to my size. 5’2″. My parents used to be able to pass me off as a little kid to get the discount at an area fair. What most didn’t know is how bad my lungs have ALWAYS been. I learned (I had to) to work and push myself while growing up, to move and “go” even when I was having problems breathing. My dad wouldn’t let me be still, especially in those times. I had to go to school, even if walking was excruciating. I had to get my outside work done, even if I could barely talk. If anyone knew the status of my lungs’ health, they would have asked me, “How are you able to sing?” I think the fact that I HAD to learn new ways of breathing to get my work done, and to be able to go to school, also helped me to be able to sing. I can’t describe how, I just learned the skill and put it into practice. It was a matter of survival at first, and then it turned into something I could pull out of my hat when I needed to or wanted to. It also helped me to keep singing.

With all avenues against me, I still smoked. I smoked for years. On good days, 1/2 a pack. On really stressful days, two packs. Silently but progressively killing myself…and…I have been invalidating both my daughters, My grand daughter, as well as my Mother by ignoring their concerns. My mom has C.O.P.D. The doctors recently told her that she COULD have another 2 years left to live. Mom has to have surgery to remove a mass on her ovary. They are worried that she won’t be able to handle the anesthesia, and could die in surgery. That’s next month. She has a 50/50 chance to live just through the surgery. She wants to live. I want her to live, too. I don’t want her living the rest of her life, knowing that I, her only daughter, is slowly killing herself. My mom cried when I told her. I didn’t want to make her cry, but it’s wonderful knowing that in quitting, I made her very happy!

I want to live, too. I tried EVERY known quit method, not including hypnosis. I couldn’t (or wouldn’t) drop the nasty little coffin-nails.

So…now the story on the OTHER side of the picture.

I recently found out WHY QUITTING SMOKING WAS SO DIFFICULT FOR ME! It was a result of all of the epiphanies and trying to learn about myself. I found the key for me, after I stopped smoking for a day and a half.

My X-monster, in all of his attempts to destroy me, gave me the wherewithal to want and NEED to take a closer look at myself, from the inside. It was necessary to insure that I don’t have a repeat of the life I lived for over a year.

This progression started with just one small sentence that another blogger wrote, “My feelings are valid.”. From the moment that I read that for the first time, it felt like I had been hit with a brick! “My feelings are valid”. I realized that throughout all of my life, no-one had taken the time to validate ME, to validate my worth and worst of all, I WAS TAUGHT TO NEVER ALLOW MYSELF TO BE VALIDATED BY OTHERS, later on. I lived my entire life as if my own existence was INVALID!

I began mulling that statement around in my mind. I began repeating it, in order to understand. The rest happened almost naturally. I realized that VALIDATION IS THE KEY to get over my own hell with a pathological liar, with a purely EVIL person, with a PSYCHOPATH. My feelings ARE valid.

I have been struggling with finding new boundaries and reaffirming old ones. The key to success there is in recognizing that in order to do so, you must understand completely and without a doubt…EXERCISING THOSE BOUNDARIES isn’t just because you need to for survival. It’s because you are WORTH IT!

Now, here we are. I haven’t smoked since last Tuesday. I realized while doing my habitual analytical thinking, introspection/extrospection thing, that I was and am DONE WITH SMOKING, ENTIRELY. The real reason I smoked. The real reason that NOTHING I tried, worked… is that those nasty, smelly, life-changing, life-altering, life-destroying coffin nails were my only way to FEEL AND BE VALIDATED!

I am VALID. I am FREE to be who I want to be, free to demand that others respect my boundaries. I am WORTHY OF A WONDERFUL LIFE, JUST BECAUSE… I AM…

Let me restate that: YOU are VALID…YOU are FREE to be who you want to be…free to demand that others respect YOUR boundaries. YOU ARE WORTH OF A WONDERFUL LIFE, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE.

I am valid without the cigarettes. I don’t have to smoke anymore. I still have the withdrawls, and I am NOT playing games with them. I am taking necessary steps to insure that I NEVER pick them up again. I won’t anyway.

I don’t have to!

The skin crawling sensation


This past week or 3 has been a flood for me! Ground-breaking realizations have abounded and seemingly ‘bounded’ all around me. All of these have been necessary, though I won’t say at all, fun.

One of these is something I realized about 1/2 way through my time with the Monster. Part of what made my skin ‘crawl’, or the sensation of it, was when my X would talk “too much”.

I’ll back up. But, before I do, I do NOT want to keep rehashing everything and in doing so, appear as though I’m not on the right road to recovery by my refusal to move forward. Actually, I’m moving forward, backward, side-ward and loop-de-loopward (spell-check isn’t going to like that one). Sometimes its in the memories that our biggest “ah HAH!” moments come through. As we heal, we also uncover things from our past. It’s like a veil has been lifted and we can finally SEE. This is no different in the aftermath of a Psychopath. It can seem that we are stuck ruminating, being drawn or addicted to the ‘victim’ state for validation or sympathy. Don’t get me wrong. For some, it is EASIER to stay stuck than push through to the “you” that you’ve needed to validate all along. Not the victim, but the person you were supposed to be! Changing, learning and growing in the wake of psychological and emotional rape. Clear? Clear!

Skin crawling. It always happened when he was saying something to me. ALWAYS something out of the blue, with no preliminary phrase or action, it was just “there”. I learned to recognize what happened prior to the sensation. One of which was a change in his normal tone. He was normally abrupt and determined. When he was fishing for information or covering “something” up with a precursor/lie, his voice was sing-songy and unsure. It was obvious that he tried to cover it up with spot jokes, but my intuition was always quite adept at recognizing these things. It was my “introspection/extrospection” talent which allowed me to put the pieces together. Let me tell you, IT SCREAMED AT ME!

*Just a thought…brainwashing, as I learned years ago, can also include certain tones the perpetrator uses, including a “sing-songy” voice, intended to soothe and lure the victim.

Here were some of the instances. I won’t list details as many will recall some of these scenarios, but if you are curious about any of these, let me know and I will give you details… The Key… The “how many men have you been with” lines… The attack early on about my ex-boyfriend trying to get me back when he previously seemed supportive of me and the concern I had… the push to get me to go to management to turn in an old co-worker from the gas station I worked for, for sexual harassment… and finally: Trying to get me to say something negative about a co-worker.

Each and EVERY time, the skin crawling sensation was a reaction to his out of the blue statements or questions, and was in conjunction with some scheme he was setting up to be implemented even MONTHS down the road. Many times I could figure out what he was scheming, which worked in my favor. Other times, I couldn’t figure out his scheme until later..then it was the most earth-shattering “ah hahh” moment, and very very shattering to me.

I was never wrong, by the way, when I finally figured out how to think like him. How to recognize these “set-up” times.

He talked too much. Prior to finishing up the finalities of his schemes, he felt the need to set up a plausible lie or lies. He tried to cover his steps with camouflage…a lie, a suggestion that he counted on to steer me (or others) away from his intent. The “key” was one of these. I will say, he constantly schemed against me primarily, though I’m sure his scheming wasn’t limited to JUST me.

One of the things I’m known for with my friends is, thinking and analyzing upon waking up. This is one realization that hit me first thing this morning.

Why the incessant lies and cover ups? Why would he say SO MUCH in order to mislead me or others? Why did he ALWAYS go too far in the lies, which always exposed his true intent?

HE DIDN’T TRUST HIMSELF! Light bulb goes here! Lightning, fan-fare, the crowd roars…”YEAHHHHH”.

The number one thing I discovered about him in my search for understanding (while still in the relationship) was that he was highly paranoid. Paranoid Personality Disorder and symptoms of it, fit him to a “T”. He trusts NO ONE in his life. I think least of all, himself. He doesn’t trust his ability to keep from exposing his lies and disturbed self to everyone around him. He doesn’t want to get caught. It isn’t because he has a conscience, which would keep him from doing wrong. It’s because he didn’t want to be discovered. Psychopaths have a social understanding of right and wrong. They know what will get them into trouble or have adverse effects that would remove the veil for ALL to see! They know (at least a book-knowledge) right and wrong. They know what they are doing to you, as the victim. It’s intentional and CALCULATED.

I think this is important. It’s important for other survivors to understand a little more about WHY he did what he did. It still makes no sense from a human standpoint, But, we didn’t deal with a HUMAN, now did we?

One more notch for me!! One more thing conquered on this road of healing. I’ll write about all the other ones, later.

Regrowth, reaffirmation, validation, establishing and solidifying old and new boundaries. These are all successes that I look back on as steps ALREADY CONQUERED in this journey.

Once the light goes on, the steps become easier. A huge door has been opened to me and the garbage is spilling out and away from me!

Understanding is such a strength!

 

Validation


I see a trend in my thinking right now. So, I’m just gonna go with it.

Validation: 

Merriam Websters says; Validation : an act, process, or instance of validatingespecially: the determination of the degree of validity of a measuring device

I love the in-humanness of Websters. It’s always cut and dry in the definitions of English terminology. Unfortunately, it’s lacking in HUMAN understanding. I’ll do my best to fill in the gaps..

Validation: The act of understanding and accepting one’s own or others’ deep emotional well-being. The process where-by a person is able to deal with and accept their own emotions caused by grief, mistreatment or abuse. To validate another’s emotions, means to allow them safe-haven when needed and keep from laying blame on the offended party. Recognizing that there are REASONS for bad behavior, allowing for the core of the problem to be safely expressed. 

I know that doesn’t quite do it, so please feel free to list what your own personal definitions of validation, are.

If a child is misbehaving or throwing temper tantrums, this should not be allowed! They need to understand what respect is for others, and that included outrageous expressions whether in public or in the private home. This brings an imbalance between the roll of parent and child, by which the child gains authority over the parents, eventually, and not the other way around. Teaching self-respect and self-expression in non-violent ways, is important. You can validate a child without allowing for violent outbursts or screaming at you. That said…

It’s important for young children to be validated. In my previous post “Perfect”, I outlined some abuses I went through as a child. The one thing that echos throughout the entire post is the LACK of VALIDATION, and it’s effects on the rest of my life. To invalidate a child’s emotions or blame them for any abuse done TO them, creates such hell for even the young child. They learn, early on, that they don’t matter in this life. To a young child, this creates inner turmoil that their young minds can’t understand. Life is supposed to be safe with their parents, not threatening or even dangerous. The effects can go a couple of directions:

1) The child learns to be silent, allowing for abuse to befall them, because they feel there’s nowhere to turn for help. The abuser is the one that matters, to the young (or older) child. Or,

2) The child resorts to violent outbursts and acting out, in order to be validated.

In both instances, there is much anger in the child.

In the first example, that anger is directed INWARDLY at themselves, without fully understanding why. In the second example, the anger is directed at EVERYONE in and around them. It’s the only way they can be heard. Even with violent outbursts causing the child to be reprimanded and punished, they still act out, violently. It’s the only way they can express the grief and anger they have, inside. Understand, however, there is anger being directed INWARDLY, in both examples.

For older children who have learned these things, many go on to alcohol and drug abuse. Many become violent in society and find themselves in and out of the court system. They are looking to find validation that they matter in this life, that we see their worth. There comes a time that these children are responsible for their behavior, yes, but to understand WHY the behavior is happening will allow us to help them where possible.

Parents who come from abusive homes, might have a difficult time processing mistreatment of their children. It’s easier to ignore the mistreatment than it is to face it and protect the child. This continues one part of the cycle of abuse. It allows the victim mindset to grow in a sweet pliable mind of a child. It doesn’t belong there, people! In ignoring the abuse and dismissing it, entirely, without validating the child’s need to be heard, understood, loved and protected, parents inadvertently continue the abuse for the child. There is no where they can feel safe. For the introverted child, this can manifest in many ways. These are clues into what is happening to that child.

1) A young child might harm him/herself in different ways, included in that but not limited to, are: Hitting, biting, gouging at face, picking at skin, banging their head onto floors or walls. These might be accompanied by inexplicable bouts of rage, and NOT that which is being brought about by being told “no”. One is an expression of severe inner turmoil, the other is just a normal child-like temper tantrum. It’s important that parents keep from confusing the 2…

2) A Child who is past the potty-training stage might willfully urinate him or herself while in the presence of the parent. Some will also defecate. This is not to be confused with the occasional “accident” where by the child has been playing and waited too long to make it to the bathroom.

Too many times, parents are too quick to INVALIDATE the child’s only avenue to process the abuse, or to try to get someone to notice them. For the young child, these outward expressions are all they have to tell us that SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE, IS GRAVELY WRONG! For example: When a child has an inexplicable bout of rage, and in turn bites him/herself, the parent might choose that the BEHAVIOR isn’t wanted, and bites the child themselves, in order to curb that behavior in the child. The parent invalidated the child in doing so, without recognizing that HUGE warning sign that should NEVER be ignored or punished. There is something WRONG! The parent needs to #1, PROTECT THE CHILD by investigating the cause. Sometimes a child-psychologist will be needed to make the causes known.

Understand, folks, THERE MOST DEFINITELY IS A CAUSE!

Do the child a favor. Stop the abuse. Recognize the warnings that your child is giving you. Validate your young ones and make sure they know beyond a shadow of a doubt they are SAFE!

 

Perfect…


I have to tell you, this is the first time I have ever seen Pink’s video. I’ve heard the song and identified with much of it, but the video is disturbing. The reason I like her so much is that she says the tough things, and doesn’t hold back.

This video is about invalidation, basically.

It’s important as parents to keep from invalidating our children’s emotions. We have to teach them how to deal with the hard things, yes, but if they are being wronged in some way, we need to lay blame where it’s due. If that child acts out to protect him/herself, we need to ask why. We should NOT blame the child for protecting him/herself. Perhaps teaching a better way, yes, but when someone hurts them, they need to know that they matter, too, and not so much, the behavior.

There are so many things that I remember growing up, yet so much I don’t remember. I remember snippets. First grade… I remembered my teacher’s name for many years after. I, thankfully, don’t remember her name, now. That was many years ago, yet it had a profound effect on me. We were having a type of spot quiz, in which I was given the word, “Of” to spell. I had been reading for 2 years already, including novels, and the backs of hairspray cans. I read everything I could get my hands on. “Of”..such an easy word. I confidently said, “O…F”. My teacher said, “I’m sorry, that’s wrong.” and “try again.” I tried to come up with several possible variations that would satisfy my teacher. I knew my original answer was correct, but she said it wasn’t. According to my teacher, no variation I could possibly come up with, was right. She was the teacher, I was the student. I was instantly wrong, regardless how I felt. This bantering went on for what seemed to be a long time. I got upset because I knew I was right. I could spell and read better than anyone in class. Long story short, I was locked in a closet. That’s where my memory of that day, ends. I didn’t tell my parents because I knew it wouldn’t matter. I would get into trouble for my “behavior” and for not spelling the word right. I knew that. It fell by in time, and I continued through school.

At home, my parents would pack what I needed for school. Much of the time my Dad packed everything. Pencils, paper, lunches, etc. When it came time to leave for school, my Dad would get in my face about a pencil. Yep, a pencil. He scared me into promising not to lose my pencil. This was every single day. I was teased unrelentingly throughout my school life. I would go to school where I would be made fun of. Of course some kid would take my pencil, thinking it would be funny. Inside, I panicked. I cried. I was afraid to go home and tell my dad I lost a fargin pencil. I cried easily, which made me an easy target for being teased. I couldn’t tell my dad or mom that I was being mistreated at school. All that mattered was the pencil.

My mom taught me the “golden rule’ during this time. To a child that was raised to believe that her feelings and well-being didn’t matter, but that everyone else’s did, the golden rule turned into a dungeon for me. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Simple, right? To this little girl it meant picking that statement apart. This is what I came up with, “Do anything in your power to keep from hurting others’ feelings. How would you feel if that person made you cry? You wouldn’t like it, would you? Don’t make someone cry. Don’t hurt their feelings.” Sick, I know.

I started getting molested when I was 7 (that’s the best I can come up with, I really don’t remember how old I was…all I know is I was very young.). My grandmother was a nurse in a nursing home. I would go to help her and spend time with the men that she took care of. One man, fat and balding, wearing those blue striped farmer’s coveralls, asked to spend time with me. I thought it would be fun, and my grandma was ok with it. I remember a mirror, a restaurant or 3, and nasty canned prunes. I can’t smell them to this day without gagging. I remember years going by. This man found out where we lived somehow, and would show up while my parents were at work. He’d send my brother out for pipe tobacco and while he was gone, he would do his thing with me. I can’t smell pipe tobacco, either, without getting sick. I was 14 when this finally ended, and only because we moved and I talked to my Youth Pastor at my church, who in turn told my parents. There were times that i should have told the man to stop. I should have been able to talk to my parents. There was one occasion that my Grandmother walked in on me and the man, while I was at the nursing home “helping” her. Instead of tackling him, she turned her back and walked away. Nothing was said or done, and it continued. I remember one time, crying, thinking that I didn’t want him touching me. The man proclaimed his love for me and if I ever said anything to anyone, i wouldn’t be allowed to come back. Enter “golden rule” speal, here. I stayed quiet.

If I had talked to my parents, myself, I wouldn’t have been believed. I would have been accused of making it up. If I had mentioned my grandmother’s involvement  i would have heard, “Your Grandma wouldn’t do something like that!” I was trapped in quite the little pickle.

I grew up feeling and knowing I didn’t really matter. All that mattered was “behavior” and inanimate objects.

Completely and 100% invalidated throughout my life.

There was my sister and I as teens. She ruled everything including our Dad. I had to get up at 4:30 every morning to get a shower. I couldn’t be up that early because I would wake everyone and get into trouble if I did. That meant putting make-up on in the dark. My step sister always wanted me to do her hair and would get pissed if i didn’t. I had to make time to do that.

There are so many things. Growing up with severe asthma, my doctor told my parents to get rid of the cats in the house. My parents didn’t want to kick the cats outside because that would be “unfair” to them. As a result, I had daily asthma attacks, where the only relief I had was when I went to school, or those days that i was so bad, my parents took me to my Grandma’s for the night so I wouldn’t be around the cats. By the time I was 12, my lungs were 25% blocked by scar tissue. I self medicated much of the time. I slept maybe 3-5 hours a night, for years, because I couldn’t breathe. I quadrupled my medicines a couple of times, to try to be able to breathe. Cats are lethal to most asthmatics. I was in the ER at least once a week. When I did have a severe attack, according to my dad it was my own fault because I forgot to take my medicine. He had it in his head that just because I took a pill for my asthma, it would keep me from having attacks. It was a preventative, yes, but the cats’ dander was stronger than any drugs.

The cats mattered. Their well-being mattered. I didn’t. I got into trouble for having an asthma attack, because THEY wouldn’t follow the doctor’s orders and GET RID OF THE CATS. Of course, it was my fault. I spent one entire night and most of the next morning barely breathing enough for a whisper. I was afraid to tell my Dad that I needed to go into the hospital. It finally got so bad that I had no choice. I got the breathing treatment, and on the way home Dad picked up hamburgers. It had been so long that I was in that attack, I couldn’t keep it down. I threw up all over his dash-board.

Invalidation.

My subsequent relationships echoed the rest of my life, previous. I learned not to express anything. I learned that if i told the truth about what was REALLY happening, I would get into trouble because of one reason or another. I learned to be afraid at all times. Afraid of hurting others’ feelings. Afraid of the backlash if I uttered a sound in retaliation for mistreatment by anyone.

I see my granddaughter, now. To me, she’s perfect. I’ll kill any bastard that puts her through one smidge of what I went through. I want her to know she matters. I want her to know that she can stand up for herself, but to be caring and loving, as she is naturally.

My grandbaby is perfect. She loves music and loves to sing. She loves to make someone happy. I am starting to see signs that she has some inner turmoil. It shows in her coloring. If she’s proud, she’s careful to stay in the lines. If she’s upset, she scribbles in black. This kills me. I want to stop this for her before it becomes her own dungeon. She’s only 4.

I want her to know beyond anything else that she matters, and no matter what…

She’s perfect to me.

The Internal Dialogue


From day one of our relationship with the Psychopath, we have been paying homage to one internal dialog or another.

I remember one central thing during my entire relationship with my monster; Every time I tried to give him a human face, he proved me wrong. From stalking my friends and family online, to stalking my home, daughter, etc. I found out a number of months into my relationship by happenstance that he was actually driving by my home at odd hours. I happened to have a problem sleeping one night, and witnessed his slow progressive drive through the series of duplexes I lived in. He was checking the perimeter. I knew he was incessantly stalking me online, but I minimized it, thinking he wouldn’t do “THAT”…after all, no-one did. I didn’t believe he’d set up a profile just to see mine, and what I was up to. I didn’t think he would set up a mylife profile just to stalk me even further. I especially didn’t believe he would stalk my mother, daughter, and people he didn’t even know, just to get more dirt on me to use. That was the jest of my inner dialogue from the beginning. “Yeah, he did that…but I know he wouldn’t do THAT!” . Wrong again. Each and every time I said that to myself, he proved me wrong in spades.

I found out later that he was walking over to the duplex when no one was home, checking EVERYTHING, WHILE HE WAS ON THE CLOCK AT WORK! He questioned me about beer bottles that the neighbors were throwing into my recycling bin. He’d dig for information which, regardless of truthfulness, was always something he’d use for ammo. He questioned me about footprints outside my car at night. It never stopped. He would watch each and every car, truck or what-have-you and question me about who they were and why they were at “my” house. Very seldom was anyone at “my house”. I hermitized my daughter for his sake. The rest of the time it was neighbors having friends stop by, or a babysitter that my daughter had arranged to watch my granddaughter. Of course he had a problem with that one too, since the sitter’s boyfriend dropped her off at the house. That was “one more male that knew where we lived.” Of course, he was only concerned for our well-being and safety…he had witnessed such atrocities in the past with previous girlfriends…yadda yadda…bull-sh**. Yes, this was during the “I love you” jargon. It was during the gift-giving, and sweet talk. That is, when he wasn’t twisting something to form into an impromptu attack on me.

His questioning was never just “questioning”..it was always me being under the microscope/chopping block, with the monster being the judge jury and executioner, all within a matter of a few minutes or hours. This was pretty much daily, throughout the entire year. No wonder I was buried under a pile of anxiety! It got so bad that I began leafing through my OWN garbage, and did a quick check inside and out, just to make sure there was nothing that he could see and twist, in order to attack me with it. There was never anything that any  normal person would view as abnormal, but I was dealing with an abnormally paranoid freak. I was dealing with someone that could argue me into a corner, where my only defense was to become quiet. I couldn’t argue with the man, as he would twist things to the point that I would become confused WITHIN the argument ..even if it was a discussion I started to begin with.

I started thinking like him, trying to cut him off at the pass so-to-speak. Closer to the end, I started believing that maybe he was right about me and that I really was having mental problems and needed to enlist the help of a doctor (like he suggested). My inner dialogue still told me of the inconsistencies and the blatant manipulations, at the same time.

The inner dialog. I talked myself out of believing that what I had was a very sick, twisted individual, and fought to believe he was fully human. I believed that I was wrong about him, and kept being “patient”. Oh how wrong I was!

The inner dialog continued on, throughout the gaslighting and brainwashing attempts. It continued goading me into action and giving me the proverbial slap in the face, later on, that i wouldn’t be able to ignore or discount. My inner dialog in the beginning, was my greatest downfall. Later, it became my greatest ally, which also helped bring me strength to get out of that situation.

You are probably reading this, thinking, “That’s OBVIOUS STUFF!” and “I don’t understand how she could ignore it!” Well, you’re right. I ignored everything, to spite my intuition and red-flags (flags? More like BOMBS!) I ignored everything for a long time. After we got back together (wow, I got away, once…), He poured on the “sweet” stuff, yet he was probing for information from me as well as co-workers and family (my daughter). The thing is, I saw it and heard it. I heard my own “still small voice” which was screaming by now, telling me to get away from him. By April 2011, I was entirely stuck with fear. My internal dialogue sounded something like this: As i was mulling over all evidence in my head, I would say to myself, “That’s abusive!”. My reasoning side, which was always against me, told me, “You’re probably wrong, he would NEVER do that!”

Later it turned to, “He’s psychologically abusive! He’s a narcissist!” “I’m afraid of him, but I’m stuck.” “Why am I stuck…” I decided that I was too confused by his twisting and goading. I was confused by my fear and anxiety. In order to get away, I would have to break the emotional side of things. In this case, that was the best thing I could do. It would have been better to just get away ASAP, but I knew that if I did, I’d just be easily pushed into going back. I had no self-confidence left. I wasn’t myself anymore and even more controllable than I had been before. There was only a hint of me, left. Once I pulled away, I started seeing things more clearly. I started really recognizing each abusive line and twist. I started really recognizing his attempts to slaughter me, in order to become my savior in the end. I recognized his tone and my body’s reaction with each ‘out of the blue’ conversation. He always had a scheme going. sometimes he was putting things into place to be acted out months later.

In the end, my internal dialogue was my best friend! It’s what enabled me to see that which I was hoping away.

It’s important, ladies, to listen to your gut! The first pang I got with him was a sensation that my skin was crawling, based on a story he told me about a key. There was no reason that I could see for the sensation. I just knew it was there but only for a second. it was my body’s only way to warn me that something wasn’t right. You don’t have to understand WHY your intuition is screaming, just the fact that it IS! IF YOUR GUT, INTUITION, etc. is screaming at you, your best option is to pay attention. If it’s screaming over a seemingly small reason, know there’s more to the picture that your body is picking up on, though you haven’t seen it yet. It’s a warning! Get away from that person!!

I ignored mine. Though there are some positive things that have come out of my relationship, it would have been better to not have gone through it at all. It’s my own fault that I didn’t listen. It’s my own fault that I stayed in that situation. My intuition is NEVER wrong, though I’m ALWAYS wrong when I think it is.